A rhe Beaver js prinUHj on 100% recyciefl papr^r. Please rec>'de your copy. J-r. r. IlifL J N. B 21 November 2006 Issue 651 The newspaper of the l^SESU Barack Obama /4 saviour for America Page 16_" .v'^ J:: Vermin in LSE halls of residence js same-st;x relationships [havt; been strongly ^.condemned by ihe GovernmeDl^ smx studeniii wiiG --e suspected of haNiiig homosexual ten len-cies are expr? ' froni African men into 'sissies' through globalisation and modernisation by arguing for gay rights in Africa. What I conclude is that you would rather be anything but gay in Africa. Africa is still boasts and glorifies corrupt' leaders, whose dictatorships go unchecked, where civil wars are rampant, BnV infections are rising and malaria is still one of the major killers. For some of us who have lived in Africa, we know that with the right connections and the right money, one can do practically anj^hing. The rich in Africa do not go to jail, do not pay taxes and do not queue in line. There is only one exception though. Being gay. It does not matter how educated, learned, rich, charming or connected you are, if you are gay you are guilty In Africa we have been brought up in a culture that tells us that we have to be married to members of the opposite sex. If we do not get married we are failures in life. We are preached to by the churches that tell us that for a man to kiss another man is an unforgivable sin. Despite this, there are men that grow up to realise that they still have a strong attraction towards members of the same sex. We have absolutely no one to talk to for there is virtually no support system that is designed to help children handle the confusion that may come with being gay. I once knew a boy who decided to tell the local priest that he had feelings towards other boys. Later on that week, the priest called him up in front of the congregation and had him banished from the church. In schools same-sex relationships can occur. This has been strongly condemned by the Government and as a result a lot of students who are suspected of having homosexual tendencies are expelled from school. In one prominent boarding school, a boy's mother was called to school to collect her child for he had been expelled on suspicion of being gay. The mother was so heart broken that in an attempt to cure the son of his "disease" she undressed and offered her- self to him. It is heart breaking when you watch the people you called your friends throwing stones at you and shouting "Fag" at you as you exit the school grounds with your suitcase - alongside a crying parent. If you live in a country that respects and upholds gay rights then there will always be a tendency to take freedoms for granted. In Africa many gay men end up getting married and living unhappily ever after Some decide not to get married but live a disguised life. In most cases they will eventually be found out. They will lose their jobs, they will lose all ties with their family, if they have had children then they will lose custody of their children. Their parents will write him off and consider them as good as dead. They will lose all social ties that are necessary for their existence. It is so much easier not to be gay than to be faced by the stigma that comes with it. One may wonder why I prefer to be anonymous, forwarding no address or indication of the country from which these experiences come from. It is for the very reasons that are stated above. I might be living in London now but in this university there are Africans who think in the very manner I have described above. For me to sign my name below this article means that I will probably lose my friends here and back home. It will be like coming out and my family and my Government will not be very happy about my sexuality. This only helps to reinforce the point I am making. In Africa you would rather be anything but gay. ¦ From apartheid to a-partner writes about South Africa's new law which legalises gay marriage South Africa passed a bill in the House of Parliament with an overwhelming majority that is set to make it the African continent's first country to legalise gay marriage. There was plenty of opposition from religious groups and opposition parties but the ruling African National Congress powered the bill through the National Assembly late Tuesday Nov 14^^. The Bill is yet to be passed in the second house of Parliament, and is expected to come into effect by the end of November. This will make South Africa only the 5^^ in the world to have such a law, the others being Belgium, the Netherlands, Spain and Canada. The Bill passed in the National Assembly with an overwhelming 230 votes in favour and only 41 against. South Africa's Government had been ordered a year ago by its highest court to start granting marriage licences to homosexual couples, ruling that it was unconstitutional to deny gay people the right to marry. Kenneth Meshoe, the leader of the African Christian Democratic Party thought otherwise. He called it "the saddest day" of the 12 years of South Africa's Democratic parliament, adding, "Adultery, sexual immorality and homosexuality are grave sins in God's sight" This is an amazing result given that the subject of homosexuality is still taboo in Africa, let alone the idea of gay marriage. Many African dailies decried the decision. Tanzania's national Daily News sought to disparage the decision saying that it ignored the majority view. The editorial of the Tanzanian daily pointed out that given South Africa's highest court's ruling, the government had no choice, but to either draft a bill or leave it to the courts to draft which is what would have happened as of the I®'' of December an3rway. The paper made a lot of the fact that the Government chose to draft the legislation in order to salvage any provision that they could, in this case being a clause pushed through giving officials the right to refuse to perform gay marriage ceremonies if they had a religious reason or if it conflicted with their conscience or beliefs. This would be a plausible dismissal of this laudable victory for the gay community in South Africa and in Africa as a whole, were it not for the undeniable majority with which this bill was passed. This is truly a ruling to be celebrated and applauded, for its progressive-ness, considering the fact that, even in England, the best we could do was a mere token recognition of Civil Partnerships which falls short of granting the same rights to same sex couples as does a marriage. A Civil Partnership does not, for example, grant the same immigration benefits to a same sex couple in the UK, with the requirements being far more stringent for civil partners than they are for married couples. It is truly a brave move, which shows a commitment to fight injustice in a country that has already seen too much of it, and maybe countries such as the UK and US could leam a thing or two from South Africa. It is heartening to see that South African lawmakers see the hypocrisy of denying equal rights to all South Africans regardless of any variable, in a country that has fought long and hard for freedom and equality for all in the eyes of the law. The country has, however, been known as one of the most liberal in the world as regards gay rights, and with only 12 years since self governance, has already seen 18 years of Gay Pride parades, and was one of the first in the world to allow gay adoptions way back in 2000. While things have been changing, however, black South Africans have not enjoyed as much of the same freedom of expression as their white counterparts as homosexuality is far more of a taboo among the black community. This ruling, and the bravery that the ANC has shown in pushing it through against the wishes of so many, is an example that puts many western democracies to shame, and in particular, the USA, where the issue of gay marriage is so polarising, that it takes precedence over many sensible economic concerns in the minds of the voting public. The ANC went forward with the very admirable resolution to maintain its duty to uphold the constitution at all costs, to ensure equal protection under the law for all. In an awe inspiring display of leadership, the ruling party went ahead arguing that even though this is an unpopular ruling, the country and the continent it's on will come around to accepting equality and justice for all in the eyes of the law. This is true leadership that we can all look up to in admiration. 9k & two' tuesday the twenty-first of november, two thousand and six '-•'-s.viri On The Cover Gael Garcia Bemal on playing Che, learning to direct and political activism in Latin America. Middle.Beginnihg.End. Our cut-out comics explore the limitations of linear narrative. With knob jokes. Style rampant gay cliches. Going Down : Gay Men, Lesbians and Pi The House of Homosexual Culture presents this themed evening about the power of prison in gay people's consciousness. Featuring presentations, new research unveiled, personal testimony shared and a quiz. Where: The DriU Hall When: Tuesday 21st Price: B^ee ( 'f\ ."i.'t PI London's only mixed lesbian, gay and straight comedy club, compered by Simon Happily. Tonight's show will include performances from Shazia Mirza, Hattie Hayridge, Hal Cruttenden and Debra-Jane Appleby. Where: BarCode Until: Tuesday 21st Price: £10 Smack-shooting Anton Newcombe destroys all comers with the tattered remains of his self-destructing band. Where: Astoria When: Sunday 26th Price: £14 Violent Fernmes Go, daddy, go, to see the blistering alt-rock Americans play their final British show of this tour. Where: Shepherd's Bush Empire When: Monday 27th Price: £17.50 Travel Homosexuality around the globe. rara comptroller joshheller music comptroiier samashton visual arts comptfoiier daisymitchell-forster film comptroiier angustse iiierature comDtrolter erinorozco ' theatre comptroiier moiiytucker st^ comptroilei' abaosunsode travel comptrolter jessicamcardfe food & drinkina comptroiier kimmandeng comedy comptroller christinewhyte thebeaver. partb(ilse .ac.uk i j-m Theatre We get Bent. -J' We all have a narrative of ourselves. Our autobiographies are our great reflexive projects, stories that we weave from the fragments of experience to create a sense of ourselves that is stable and continuous. Kevin's self-narrative is atypical in that it contains an explosive schism. His lost years (from the ages of 6 to i8) are consigned to the chemical dustbin of good times, as such his witty and self-deprecrating life-story tends to disturb potential partners, consisting as it does of 'I was bom, drugs... hello'. Daniel's narrative arc is ragged and multi-peaked, largely composed of things that he read on the internet. Delivered in a monotone mumble he is the Ed Wood of self-narrative. Enough sordid self-mythologising, this week there are words and pictures in various combinations. Enjoy, Music tv on the radio make us quite like them, ironically the like make us hate them. m Food and Drink Bavarian sausages devoured, unfortu- j nately, there's no ^ bigsausagepizza.com ^ tuesday the twenty-first of november, two thousand and six three bending the narrative arc irfaanmerali sees cinematic innovation out-ranging time's arrow Narrative structure usually follows one of a set of basic patterns. For example, one of the simplest, which also happens to used in Steven Seagal movies, is the 3 Act structure. This is often based around (a.) the introduction of the characters (Seagal, his beautiful wife and young daughter), (b.) the addition of a problem (the massacre of said wife and daughter); and (c.) its resolution (the massacre of several baddies all the way up to and including the big boss). However, some have noticed a recent trend in films that are looser with their structure and have predicted the end of the conventional narrative. Is this fair? First of all, the recent trend is not so recent at all. Yes, there have been Crash and 21 Grams, which only had a series of loosely connected events as opposed to an actual flow of a story. But Scorcese made After Hours (about a man who ends up exploring the city by night) and Godard made A Bout de Souffle (vaguely about a man fleeing from the police) years ago. And what about Bunuel's Surrealist That Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie, a film ten times as bizarre as Don Cheadle's accent in Ocean's Eleven (at one point a soldier, in a caf6 without any drinks, tells strangers how he murdered someone on the advice of his mother's ghost). And some dare to argue that it is not just the 'artier' films that are doing this and accuse that classic of American cinema Ice Age - and, indeed. Ice Age 2; The (which has a narrative on 3 separate timescales) is showing now, has commented that novelists have greater freedom than filmmakers in playing with structure. Does this mean a change is on the horizon? Will this revolutionise filmmaking just as Steven Seagal did method acting, or Ice Age did the modern, angst-filled hero movie? Look to literature again for the answer. Most novels nowadays still follow traditional, conventional, narratives. So films will too, in all probability. But yes, there do seem to be more films that are more adventurous. It could be seen as part of a wider shift in film and other arts. Though films like The Bourne Identity and Mission Impossible III have not been revolutionary in terms of narrative, their overall style has. The way the fight scenes look more realistic, the way people get hurt and the way the hero has problems that aren't just about his ex-wife. Watching films like these make watching - with all due respect for Bruce Willis and his grizzled puppy dog of a face - Die Hard, for example, look weak and stilted, a product of simpler age. The other huge innovation has been the use of handheld cameras. Although this was pioneered by the Nouvelle Vague movement of 1960s France, where the camera lens was supposed to become closer to truth by being freed from its moorings and wandering around streets and buses, getting all up in the faces of old Meltdown - of not being an extreme experiment in narrative but a badly made film. Yet The Wizard of Oz had the same structure, except that while Dorothy wanted to make her way home, Sid and the gang wanted to return a human and avoid the 'Meltdown.' If these kinds of films have been made for years, there is no danger of descending into a narrative vacuum anytime soon. As evidence of this, have a look at films showing now or soon; Casino Royale, that Tenacious D movie and Santa Claus 3/4/52. Crash and 21 Grams are the exceptions and there is a limit to how much experimentation will be accepted. Since film is primarily a visual medium, the essence of the film is on the director's vision, not the scriptwriter's (contrast a playwright and his play's director). Therefore a good director can take a mediocre script above its level, which means that the screenplay is less important. There has been more freedom in other forms of art. Literature for example has seen movements like stream-of-consciousness and postmodernism radically change the way we think of novels. Perhaps this is because literature is such an established art form whereas film is a relatively young one. (Literature and film are actually closely related; Quentin Tarantlno said he would have been a novelist if he didn't make it as a filmmaker.) Christopher Nolan, who studied English Literature at UCL and whose film The Prestige women and wobbling from the a-frame of bicycles. This handicam technique was picked up by the Dogme 95 directors in the Denmark of the 1990s as a dogmatic mantra (nothing other than handicams here). Whilst being overused in slasher hicks for the purposes of first-person POV chase scenes since the schlock horror of the 50s, it is now a dramatic cinematic innovation in its own right. This can be seen in comedies too; think of the realist style of The Office, Arrested Development (the greatest show ever) and Curb Your Enthusiasm. This change, amongst others, is demonstration enough that cinema has many avenues for experimentation, change, and progression, other than simply sacrificing a sensible plot-line. Stylistic development happens regardless of narrative, and makes for the exiciting film that we all enjoy today. Narrative cinema is not dying; it hasn't even been Injured. Cinema is developing, but mass audiences will not be able to take complex narratives. At the end of the day, the reason why these unusual anti-narrative films stand out and are noticed is because they are the exceptions. Now I'm off to see how enthusiasm (sloth), caution (woolly mammoth), courage (tiger) and something else (?) can save human innocence (baby human) from the harsh realities of life (evil carnivores) in Ice Age. Wish me luck. joeymellows would like to pronounce narrative cinema not only (dead but smelling funny The Best Picture Oscar for 2005 heralded a brave, new and exciting opportunity for film writers , and directors who have, like this j author, grown tired and increasingly I frustrated with the questionable i direction of 'classic' narrative cinema, that is to say, cinema that employs the . trajectory of begining/middle/end as the immutable plot order. The win for ; Paul Haggis' 'Crash' was an incredibly ; important moment in Hollywood cinematic history and refreshingly broke up the monotony of wins for safe, conservative films with good old fash-! ioned American values and pre-¦ dictable narratives, such as, 'A ^ Beautiful Mind'; 'Chicago'; and to an ^ extent, 'Million Dollar Baby'. It is important to point out that, although Hollywood is changing, becoming potentially amenable to more offbeat narrative ideas, this author does not believe that narrative cinema is dead as a form, or even necessarily in decline. Rather I am arguing that in order for film as an art form to avoid stagnation, new ideas with regard to screen-writing structure and the presence of creatively diverse film directors are both increasingly important to drive the medium of film forwards. However, as the vast majority of films, since the birth of cinema, have followed a linear narrative structure, it would be foolish in the extreme to criticise a narrative directive and call for its ultimate replacement and departure from the seemingly conclude. However it's important to note that this is not how things exist 'out there' it is rather a fact of consciousness, that we seek to order experience into a series. The ability of cinema to take us out of ourselves, to suggest other ways of being and doing, is nullified when all it does is conform. Another, more practical part of the problem, is the sheer size of modern film budgets - especially in the case of blockbusters - and the importance given to the financial, at the expense of the creative. People who invest in film do so, usually, in the expectation of seeing a return on their investment. It's not surprising then that, as budgets increase, the people who are paying become increasingly conservative and do not wish to risk such large amounts of money on a film that is not afraid to be viewed as original, exciting and challenging for the audience. So instead of finding an interesting story to tell, the studios become more concerned about what was a quantifiable financial success last year. It's the need to quantify that causes the problem, and this in turn drives the money towards even bigger special effects, bankable stars and already popular brands, all of which have an identifiable audi- j ence to watch the regurgitated, formulaic and ultimately predictable product being pitched. The continuation of narrative' cinema could be seen as lacking i C . S. tWj JmA cinematic realm. This having been said, it is perhaps the sheer volume of films following a traditional and 'safe' linear story that is causing the indignation, defiance and debate on the narrative structure. For every narrative success story such as, 'Seabiscuit'; 'Hotel Rwanda'; and 'The Incredibles'; there is much more pathetic drivel such as, 'The Fantastic Four'; 'Blade: Trinity'; and the visually repulsive, 'Little Man'. The British film critic and regular contributor on The Culture Show, Mark Kermode, argues that the decline of narrative cinema has, "gone hand in hand with the rise of consumer test screenings, the grisly process through which Hollywood execs show a movie to a cross section of its imagined 'target audience' and then ask them what they would do to make it better." This is one interesting theory and opens up amongst other things, a great many questions on where this cross-section of cinematic rapists are collected from. However, Kermode does not go deep enough into explaining why so many films are derived from focus groups and a hunger for traditional linear narratives. One problem is a mammoth history of linearity. From the bible to Grimm - beginnings, then middles and finally endings - have been the storytelling norm. Perhaps it could be argued that this is how things, under the aegis of time, progress. Processes start, they go along, and then they ficient mental and intellectual stimulation for a large proportion of the audience who are growing increasingly hungry for new ways to stretch their way of thinking especially in the modern-age of increased access to information and communicative art forms. The success of such films as the aforementioned 'Crash' is not a flash in the pan, nor is it a mere exception with regards to it achieving worldwide success both financially and critically despite its non-narrative structure, I encourage you to go out and watch, 'Sin City'; 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind'; '21 Grams'; 'Irreversible'; 'Amelie'; 'Memento'; and 'Pulp Fiction'; to name but a few. These films give credence to the growing clamour for film to be viewed and acknowledged as an art form in the same way literature has historically been. Having said that, even literature needed important movements such as modernism and postmodernism to propel it along and expand and provoke the way people conceptualise and appreciate complex artistic mediums, which are unafraid to move away from the recognised norm and be different and challenging, The aforementioned films are doing just this and should perhaps not be seen as exceptions to the traditional but perhaps the catalyst for a new and more intellectually stimulating movement in cinema. How are things ever going to improve? Here's a sug-gestion. Stop paying for bollocks,_ B. four tuesday the twenty-first of november, two thousand and six joshheller meets gad garcia bemal, and is moved to poetry by the young actor Bom in Mexico where there's always hot weather, His parents, sadly are no longer together Selfishly I hope that they are some day For his name, you see, will be easier to say After study in London and a number of soaps. He'd acted on stage and was learning the ropes. Performances then were smart and assured. Amores Perros was his reward. This elegant film he made his feature debut in. The foreign film Oscar we thought was a shoe-in. But Gael's performance was to send him far. The beginning of a talented and rising star. His next feature film sent his star flying high. He played a teenager who was horny and bi. The film was intelligent and to all a treat. This young Mexican actor had the world at his feet Controversy followed and more than a smidgen As he starred in a critique of the Catholic Religion Uncontroversial, in the century old tale Was his part as the priest and his gripping portrayal The next major role was the one that's his best oh Biking through South America as a young Ernesto Through his face we saw his conflict internal In the brilliant film of the writings in his journal Unlike many young actors this guy's not a twit He's a political fellow and he knows his shit Scripts fly at him so it's jolly good That he's an artist enough to resist Hollywood With people like this who have something to say Repeating other's words seems a shame in a way An attempt at direction may be a smart move As an actor, one feels, he will grow and improve. In the future, all celebrities will be like Gael Garcia Bemal. No longer will we be subject to lashings of media attention on talentless, inarticulate drones with nothing to say. The people who so many look up to will be like Bernal, interesting, articulate and excel in their chosen field. Gael Garcia Bemal is the antithesis both of the Hilary Duff school of acting and the Britney Spears school of public speaking ("trust our president in every decision he makes"). Gael's English is excellent and his accent is genuinely English, the result of his study in London. Gael had been in Mexican soaps and was quite well known in his own country when he came to London aged 19 to learn his craft and with a plan to work in theatre. After only a year and a half at the Central School of Speech and Drama, he got a call from Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu, asking him to do casting for Amores Perros. His career took off swiftly from there, but it almost never happened. "My school didn't allow me to work. In England they don't let you miss school, you miss more than three days you're chucked out. In Mexico that's completely incomprehensible." Luckily the director came up with a "very good Latin American solution." He got his cousin, the director of a hospital, to write a medical certificate detailing a tropical disease. Later, people at the school were understandably "surprised that a film I'd been in was already playing at Cannes." YIU Mama Tambien was his next film role; it made him a star in his own country, as it became the highest grossing film in Mexico. The role that really propelled him to, if not the mainstream then at least the consciousness of independent cinema-goers, was in The Motorcycle Diaries. Gael won critical acclaim for his part as Ernesto Geuvara, portraying subtle character changes that the young medical student experienced as he travelled from Buenos Aires to Pern. American critics were less receptive than others, the Commie sympathizing perhaps being too much for them to stomach. One called it an "unexpected renaissance in Soviet filmmaking." He doesn't like comparing himself to the revolutionary, but Gael came to similar realizations as Geuvara did in his travels for the film. It reaffirmed his belief that Latin Americans are incredibly similar to one another. "We are countries that were created out of colonial caprices" (His word, I had to look it up, it means impulsive decisions) "The Church decided where the borders would be." Like many Latin Americans, Gael believes that there should be more collaboration between the nations and particularly in the medium of film. "We should work as a bloc." Talk is cheap though, a lot of actors and public figures can say they have ideals but not act on them. This is not the case with Gael. He attended the G8 protests in Edinburgh; it was there that Oxfam first approached him to work with them. He was part of the Oxfam delegation to the Hong Kong WTO meetings and as well as protesting, attended a series of meetings himself. He specifically spoke out against hugely subsidised genetically modified corn and the negative impact it has on Mexican farmers under NAFTA. Some of his political action is centered on the world he knows; film. For example he is working hard at the moment to make sure all money from film premieres in Mexico go to charity. He has a film company with his friend and Y Tu Mama Tambien co-star Diego Luna; Canana. They are working on a number of projects, including Drama/Mex, which got a good reception at Cannes and the London Film Festival. He is in England now to promote his latest film Babel. It is directed by the same man who gave him his break in Amores Perros] Alejandro Gonzalez Inarritu. He sees the film as the third of a trilogy that began with Amores Perros and continued with 21 Grams. It takes a similar style to those films, moving between stories and time. There are four stories in the film. An American tourist (Cate Blanchett) is shot in the neck whilst on a bus in rural Morroco, we see her husband's (Brad Pitt) struggle to keep her alive. We also see the story of her shooter, a young Morrocan boy who was just showing off his marksmanship to his brother and not meaning to hurt anyone, and the consequences to him and his family. There is a seemingly unconnected story about a deaf Japanese girl's sexual frustration after losing her mother to suicide and being unable to connect to her Dad. Then there are the American couple's children in San Diego; their Mexican nanny who takes them to Mexico for a wedding along with her nephew (Bemal). The film is ambitious in that it is in a number of different languages (hence the Biblical name) and set on three very different continents. There are a number of unknown actors used, in Morocco most actors were locals who'd never been in front of a camera before. Ifinaritu says he prefers "innocence to experience." There's a difference, Gael says, in working with Ifinaritu this time around. Amores Perros was his first film and he feels he's "grown as an actor" since then. The editor and director may feel the same way, but it is not evident in the final film. Gael plays a minor part and the film suffers because of it. Although, admittedly most characters play minor roles in this quite well directed film with four wholly underdeveloped stories. The future for Bernal seems bright. He is currently on post-production for a film he has directed. Deficit. Confusion sets in as he coyly dances around talking directly about it. "It's about words that have no meaning, yet have such deep impact in our own lives. And about us thinking that we know the meaning of these words but really we don't. At the end of the day, the film is about the end of impunity. 1 know it's very broad, I won't give you the details because I want you to see it, come on." Gael's status at the heart of the Mexican cinemantic revolution has not gone unnoticed by producers in Hollywood. He is currently turning down offers from that world of shattered dreams and stretch-Hummers. There were strong rumours of his being cast as the main villain in the third film in the Bourne trilogy. The Bourne Ultimatum. But his intention is clear, "I have to live in Mexico, I have to work there, I have to keep on trying, to keep on struggling." The conflict is clear in his voice when he discusses the "very seducing offers" he's received. Yet Gael's already starred in an independent American production. He was entirely convincing in both his accent and acting in last year's The King. There are a large number of Spanish speaking actors that have made the transition to Hollywood and almost always to their detriment. Think Alfonso Cuaron with Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. It seems at least in the foreseeable future that Gael will not make that full transition. So maybe he's not the future of celebrity. It's probably a good thing for all concerned. One feels the Hollywood world wouldn't suit Gael, even worse it might change a thoroughly friendly bloke. This is a guy who, despite his fame, still likes to use the tube. A few weeks ago for Halloween, despite being dressed as Sergeant Pepper, he still got on the Northern Line, conspicuous as can be. tuesday the twenty-first of november, two thousand and six 4 B. SIX tuesday the twenty-first of n* back at school, we were taught that every good story needs a t need to be in that order? here at PartB, we're giving you the chc of the comic strips, mix them up, re-arrange them, and create sc ycef iAtV\4. feouMtiS riiv«w$eV«oU , ^ ft Wfi YfJ ht Pi& G>rMiK.dsS^ 1S oS (L.^cjJkc : ''fcb 9 ''i: ••' r •V 7^'. •S*^ J- M CTi*P I j? ,-.'# >««• • (S;; i|T ;p\ i j . J a hUiifj! a. L J6.§l..§L 1 p -§«c -"d^" SJftC.i --3-e h*r* w> 90. if t mst J«xk«d tjp on thtsMMld b«a littl»«oisi«r. no> only ismycookamorbid lift k snip* at th» niia>ak, > hi it SofjpJs yCi-tk /ro-KiC- 1 I won't do it any | Shut up and put Ihe 1^ mote fattier, Ivvont dress up ' wig baci< on, Jimrry. Sony t 9ot ski your «ye, darthg. Same tme to mo now? I have 1o take this hat bade in an hour. mummy any more Fuck you. dad. I can't take thk any more •er> -o K -¦" ) 5 • .QWi llLi\ 'O^w ... MEANWHfLC £5is:rrvr kxlhg h«U thai was futt. « ^lv«irip«idoMn on th« old iht JJJ aH slight lybitUr^ out tk«n «pot 1 MdkoTMiaMO^. r«sp*ct tm J 4# B. eight tuesday the twenty-first of november, two thousand and six boking gay: a typology shanegarvin on ail things bright and beoutiful, all creatures great and small (m The LGBT community isn't a subway special, but it is celebrating diversity this week. Style examines some of the cliches and subcultural identities that, whilst stereotyped, are nonetheless unique. From trannies to leather daddies there's something for everyone, bring your Nan - bring your tutor, just make sure you use protection: Emo Gays (i.e. all emo bojrs) For these guys, the tighter the better. It's all about tight-ass, testicle-bursting drainpipe jeans. Pair this in combo with 'I can't breathe' extra small t-shirts supporting the names of their favourite bands' (Dashboard Confessional, My Chemical Romance...) and the 'look' is almost complete. Of course, no gay-emo is whole without the token facial metal and 'suburban-life-is-so-diffi-cult' fake wrist scars. Note: the more of their face their hair covers, the more established they are. Most likely to say: "Dude, life ...like...so totally sucks". You can find them: At Trash Palace, Ghetto, or in their rooms- crying themselves to sleep. Trannies Think Christian Aguilera meets Dolly Parton meets Dame Edna Everage. The bolder, brighter and more revealing their clothes are the sexier they feel. It's all bright pink lipstick and big. Big, BIG hair. And let's not forget those 'fuck me pumps' - fabulously tall heels which make their already gigantic frames even scarier. Most importantly there is their mantra -'accessorise, accessorise, accessorise'. No sexy-mama is complete without his/her prop, from fans to whips all the best trannies have their own special tool to make them even sexier and more tempting. Most likely to say: "Darling, does this dress make my cock look big?". You can find them: Working the guest list and VIP rooms at most gay clubs. Butch Lesbians If builders wear it, so do these gals. Think heavy, industrial jeans teamed up with big ol' Doc Martins. A range of t-shirts are suitable as long as it fits two vital criteria - a) it has absolutely no shape and b) it's horrible. All the best butchies know that there's no better way to show off your masculine arms and dragon tattoos than with a stylish "wife-beater" sleeveless top. Oh, and how could we forget, short and cropped hairstyles are an absolute must-have in every season. Most likely to say: "OI! MATE IYER STARTIN'?" You can find them: In all gay men's nightmares. Pretty-Girly Lesbians Anything pink, fluffy, girly and spark-ly. Head to toe in pretty and glitzy bracelets, necklaces and hair-clips, these girls are like a walking 'Claire's Accessories' store. T-shirts with popular and cute cartoon characters on are an absolute must, and none of these lesbians would be seen dead with less than two pigtails. The ultimate and most committed of these types will wear school girl uniforms in support of their all time hero's T.A.T.U. Most likely to say: "I only do (. this because my boyfriend likes * it...." You can find them: WARNING: THESE GIRLS k, ONLY EXIST ON THE INTERNET Fag Hags This season, fag hags will be supporting whatever her gay best friend tells her to wear (as always). Of course, no self-respecting fag hag would leave the house without her army of fashionable, well groomed gay followers. Oh and small animals. They love little doggy company for when their homo-friends aren't around. Most likely to say: "Sweetie, are you gay? Fabulous, we can be friends!". You can find them: Anywhere, as long as she's surrounded by her gay mates - in the LGBT committee, for example. Leather Bears The quintessential accessory for these REAL MEN is one which can't be piir-chased in shops - hair, hair and more hair. Leatherwear comes in many styles and sizes suitable for all sleazy occasions, from knee high boots to crotchless chaps. All up-and-coming daddies should hunt down two crucial pieces of equipment -yes you guessed it, nipple clamps and cock rings. If you're trying to create this look, simply think 'Big Foot in a leather harness'. Most likely to say: "Gmrrrrooowl". You can find them: The Hoist, Vauxhall. Clubbers It's all trainers, glow Nticks and pounding, pounding techno music. Perspiration, as a result of non-stop dancing and high dosages of E, means that the most suitable attire for clubbers is none at all. Rarely seen with tops on, you can guarantee that at some point during a night at a gay club you'll end up experiencing the joy of one of their sweaty, greasy backs rubbing right across your face. Most likely to say: "Do you know where I can score some pills?". You can find them: Right at the front of the main room at Heaven, working up a mammoth sweat. Are you bored with the academic life? Maybe you've had all the economics and political science you can take. Why not chuck it all in and follow the worldwide circuit of LGBT events? If nothing else, you'd probably get a load of free stuff you could sell on E-bay. This week, in keeping with PartB's LGBT theme, we bring you all you need to know to make this vision a successful one: First, why not go transatlantic with a trip to Los Angeles where apart from taking in the usual attractions like Disneyland, you could also check out Fusion: The Los Angeles Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender People Of Colour Film Festival. An annual event held from December 1-3, it describes itself as 'the only multicultural, gender-inclusive film festival of its kind' and includes all manner of movies, music and performance arts from across the globe. Be sure to check out the film 'Cut Sleeve Boys' which allegedly features an underground drag club, sex in a public toilet, and witty one-liners. Could you ask for more? From here there is a decision to be made. Either you head north to the land of maple syrup otherwise known as Canada, or south into Spanish speaking Central and South America. Whilst many of us love a stack of pancakes and the Canadian west coast does have a vibrant gay scene, everyone knows that it is in Latin America that they really know how to party. At no time is this more apparent then during Brazil's world famous Carnival which is held every year in February, seven weeks before Easter. This year the official dates are the 17th to the 20th. Although it's chiefly associated with the city of Rio de Janeiro, Carnival events fea- . turing parades, music, outrageous cor- ^ tumes (think feathers and sequins) and generally one -hell of a ^ P a r t y ^ happen^-^ all over the coun- , try. The fact that Carnival is one of the most diverse, vibrant festivals on the planet means there is something for everyone, no matter their sexual orienta tion. Be sure to get there well in advance as accommoda tion rates are known to quadruple and even then, everything^ from the grandest five-star hotel to the vilest hole in the wall will be completely jam packed While you could quite easily from A . ¦ while away the rest of your life in South America taking in its beautiful landscapes, relaxed atmosphere and great steak dinners, you may want to leave in order to attend the Sydney New M a r d i G r a s over in Australia anytime between the 2nd of February and the 3rd of March. Packed to bursting with a huge range of cultural events, its all about celebrating what it means to be gay modern society. In between checking out the iconic opera house and the Sydney Harbour Bridge, don't forget to pack in a few of the many exhibitions, concerts and theatre productions which explore sexual diversity and fetishism in all its forms. It's also worth mentioning that the temperature should be at around 25°C, so bring your shorts. With all this time-zone hopping, you may well be feeling a little jet-lagged, which is why you should rest yourself and take a little time off. Not too long though because you really ought to be starting your intensive training regime in anticipation of the Tennis London International Championships. The bland name belies the fact that this annual event is actually the largest gay and lesbian tennis tournament in the UK and is just one of the thirty-two which are held annually worldwide. Being staged at Battersea Park from May 12-14, it promises high-quality action from a host of international players as well as several domestic hopefuls. All levels of player are welcome to join in, so you best be dusting off your rackets and getting re-acquainted with your topspin lob. If you don't feel like playing, you should at least get involved in the launch party held the night before the first day of play. And whilst the trip to Battersea Park may not chalk you up too many air miles, it is home to both subtropical gardens and a wide variety of flora and fauna so if you try hard enough, you could probably delude yourself into believing that you're in a foreign country. Once you've done all that, you should be fairly worldly, cultured and have many a fascinating tale to tell. On the other hand, you're brain maybe totally destroyed from drugs, alcohol and way too much partying and you might feel you need a holiday. Either way, at least you'll have gotten out of the house and not spent all your time on Facebook. rahimrahemtulla is a modern day phileas fogg. around the world in eighty gays tuesday the twenty-first of november, two thousand and six nine on the road to perdition iangwdon drives at gay writers and finds iW...... sexualily taking a backseat When feminism was the new and cool thing and everyone was doing it, there were a lot of great books written by a lot of great female writers about a lot of difficult female matters. This is perhaps the natural reaction to being subdued for thousands of years and being forced into having babies rather than becoming accountants. The same is not true about male gay writers, predominantly because they have always been able to get published just by throwing in some tacit references to heterosexual cravings into their work, or at least by talking about war and other macho things. And so the question arises... being female invariably helped feminist writers write about female matters, but did being gay help male gay writers pen some of history's greatest prose? The immediate answer would appear to be no. Long lists of great gay people of the past are useful in that they remind bigots that being gay doesn't necessarily mean that God hates you and wants to send you to hell as quickly as possible. But surely we are not to assume that all gay people are brilliant by association. Even if Alexander conquered vast swathes of land all the way to the Indus in order to find a nice Indian fellow, does it really mean that it was his homosexuality that gave him the ability to do so? On the other hand, perhaps the repression that gay people have faced in the past has manifested itself in the hubris of their works of art, inadvertently making their prose more touching and emotionally immediate than that of their heterosexual twin brothers. I'm not about to answer this ques- tion, but I think some analysis of famous gay writers can at least point us in the right direction. According to glbtq.com. Lord Byron was bisexual, and so it may not be a she at all that "walks in beauty like the night, of cloudless climes and starry skies," Does that matter? Is true love anything to a romantic poet except the idealizing of one's lover's form as an embodiment of nature, whether male or female? Surely no one sexual persuasion is any more apt to spotting beauty than another. It is E.M.Forster in particular, and A Passage to India most specifically, that suggests that even if a gay author writes about very non-sexual themes, they may have an inclination on how to make male-female relationships most platonic, and male-male relationships most meaningful. The relationship between Mr. Fielding and Aziz is heartbreaking regardless of the perspective from which one reads Forster's greatest novel; rarely do heterosexual writers reach such subtle beauty in male to male dialogue. Kerouac's duo, Sal Paradise and Dean Moriarty, are another example of a male-male relationship embodying a dynamism unseen in more hetero-secular works. But again, one must question whether bi/homo-sexuality is the cause or the effect. Isn't any great writer perfectly capable of expressing the emotional details of a relationship that means the most to them? Sometimes the mere admiration or care for a member of the same sex is enough to earn the gay label. T.S.Eliot was a deeply religious man who married twice and left a trail of women in his wake, which is not to suggest he could not have been gay, or at least bisexual. But insinuations that The Wasteland is a love poem to a dead man may be missing the more subtle elements of men's relationship with one another, at best. At worst merely an excuse to bring our most popular modern poet into the pantheon. Love, in most quality fiction, is a little more multi-faceted than mere sexual attraction. I am not trying to suggest the contributions of gay writers is null and void. Rather I would argue that great works of fiction become so because their hubris so universally applicable as to make particular sexualities irrelevant. It is word-smiths that quantify and qualify human nature in its purest form, and that is a service to all (except ignorant bastards that don't read). "Strange friend, past, present, and to be; Loved deeplier, darklier understood; Behold, I dream a dream of good. And mingle all the world with thee." -Tennyson Martin Sherman's 1979 play about the Nazi persecution of gays begins in the tawdry underground clubs of the Berlin cabaret scene and ends in the Nazi Dachau concentration camp. The idea that Sherman is trying to show in his play is that love can triumph over oppression. At the start the hero, Max, played by the Scottish actor Alan Cummings, is a flaming figure working in a Berlin nightclub in the mid-1930s. After the 'Night of the Long Knives' in which Hitler's homosexual henchman, Rohm, was executed. Max and his lover, Rudy, are forced to go on the run. However, they are captured whilst in hiding and deported to Dachau, where Max chooses to disown Rudy in order to ensure his survival. In the play's second half, set entirely in the concentration camp. Max meets an inmate over whom he becomes protective, Horst, played by Christopher New. Inevitably emotive given its subject matter. Bent is more rewarding for what it represents than for what it shows—a call for the power of love, in this case homosexual love as chronicled during the Nazi persecution of gay men. But, precisely because the content is so explosive, the play demands a certain restraint. In the first half, however, we are treated to a super-heightened theatricality. The first example of this is when a Nazi storm trooper, after the invasion of Max's flat, exits with a gratuitous wave that would not be out of place in The Producers. The man who brought the production to London, Daniel Kramer, uses an approach that has a significant drawback: by extending the theatrical metaphor to the behaviour of the Nazi soldiers that raid Max's apartment, they move in choreographed formation like a cabaret chorus line; they bark their lines and swagger like caricatures. This is a serious misjudgement: their atrocities, however outrageously grotesque, ought to seem real, and we need to feel a genuine sense that these are ordinary people whose humanity has been hideously perverted. What makes Bent so powerful is that we see Max as an alcoholic, whorish drug dealer, not some innocent child who's cut down in the prime of life. It's easy to state that Anne Frank didn't deserve to be murdered in the camps, but to make the point that not even this human scavenger deserves the heinous wrath of the Nazis is tremendously important. That said, in the second half in the camp Gumming is very good in the Dachau scenes where he acquires resilience and dignity through a steadfast abandonment of ego. He is also well-partnered by Christopher New who lends Horst a prickly defensive-ness that slowly turns to love. All in all, this is a production that is not comfortable to watch at times and you leave the theatre thinking about what it must have been like to live in those times, even though homosexuals in Berlin pre-Hitler probably had a better time of it than their counterparts in Britain. As our global society repeats past mistakes over and over, it becomes more and more imperative to absorb the lessons of plays like Bent in order to stop the madness from continuing. LSE Drama Society's first production of the year is upon us! Moira Buffini's Silence is not to be missed, and we hope you will all join PartB in taking a look... The year is 999 AD. The enfeebled King Ethelred cowers in his bed, while Viking raiders pillage the English coast. Lord Silence of Cumbria, a 14 year-old of Viking descent, is summoned to Canterbury to be married to a Norman princess, Ymma. But nothing is as simple <; as it might be - Ymma has her own reasons for coming to England, Ethelred will soon covet Ymma for his own wife, and as for Silence ... is he really what he seems? "Silence" is a medieval romp, with equal parts comedy, romance, adventure, historical allegory and millennial angst. Performances are in the Old Theatre, on the following dates: Fri 24 Nov 2006, at 7pm Mon 27 Nov 2006, at 8pm Tue 28 Nov 2006, at 8;30pm Tickets; £4 (or £3 for Drama Soc members) benblggs finds n ioial inipeiatives in bent's drarnalisation of holocausf homosexualify I cannp naz esson*^ tuesday the twenty-first of november, two thousand and six tv on the radio samashton gets his mediums mixed up the like loisjeary points out that there's more to the like than legs My left testicle is aching. It's defiantly cancer this time, I'm sure of it. I worry about readjusting to life with just one testicle; I'm sure it wouldn't be that bad, tongue cancer on the other hand... My maudlin meditations are rudely interrupted by antipodeans conversing loudly, I don't know whether its the oh so casual racism or their habit of raising their voice at the end of every sentence, turning everything into a question, but something about this particular gaggle is seriously annoying. I try to push all thoughts of debilitating diseases and loud Australians from my mind and concentrate solely on the music in front of me. Guitars roar, pianos twinkle, drums thump and vocals caress, but somehow I find it impossible to stay in the moment, my thoughts always wan- dering. It's probably not the bands fault, in fact frontman Tunde Adebimpe is more than engaging, shimmying across the stage arms a flutter. Perhaps it the ovarian confines of KoKo that are to blame, the cavernous ceilings and blood red walls somehow acting as a barrier between me and the band. Or more probably its those cunts behind me talking loudly. As my eyes flit around attempting to catch a glimpse of the various members of TV On 'The Radio I see an abandoned beer bottle. A small part of me fantasises about smashing the bottle and peeling the skin from the faces of those chattering around me with the bits of broken glass, the rest of me agrees with the other parts motives but wonders somewhat about the ethics of the proposed method. Suddenly the band leave the stage, have they really been on that long? It is only 10.00 pm afterall. Such a short set, and I have to waste it on hypochondria and murderous urges. The band re-emerges, I push forward, determined to enjoy what little the encore will offer unfettered. The opening chords of 'Staring at the Sun' ring out, a song I've spent much time with, but unfortunately something isn't quite right. The icy restraint and carefully measured beats of the original are gone replaced with roaring rock, thus reduced the song sounds limp and unoriginal, disappointed I turn and leave, maybe tonight just wasn't meant to be. Surrounded by a disproportionate number of middle-aged men and lesbian couples, and feeling thoroughly out of place, I started to wonder what it was about The Ldke's oestrogen-fuelled rock that attracted this particular demographic. But as the three young L.A ladies took to the stage, all hotpants and minidresses, it became worryingly clear - The Like are hot, and frankly if they had stood on the stage playing James Blunt covers, I don't think anyone would have noticed. This is most frustrating when you realise that The Like are not a soft-porn act and should be judged on their music, not their legs. Drummer Tennessee Thomas was impressive and from the pounding opening of 'Falling Away' to the more gentle '(So I'll Sit Here) Waiting' powerfully drove every song along with Charlotte Froom's melodic bass lines. Singer and guitarist Z Berg's rich voice was impressive and shone on the fantastic cover of The Kinks' 'I'm Not Like Everybody Else'. Yet the show, coming as it did at the end of a long tour, felt half-hearted and ultimately frustrating, ending after a pitiful 40 minutes as the band skipped off to canoodle with Alex Zane in the nethere-gions of his backstage and the audience waited for an encore that never came. The Host is a South Korean popcorn gem, which I'm afraid will be unworthily overshadowed and forgotten in the box office, competing as it does against the likes of Borat and Casino Koyale. Director Bong Joon-ho (Memories of Murder - and yes, his name does sound like a cheap weed joke) has created a splendid 'monster movie'. No, it's not a pun. While the genre is related to horror and fantasy/sci-fi (a turnoff for some), and in recent times evocative of CGI-laden-but-hollow-to-the-core-geek-wet-dreams (hint: Peter Jackson's massive masturbatory effort King Kong), don't let this discourage you from experimenting. Not that monster movies should adopt a deeper meaning and purpose, but, as the current issue of Sight and Sound rightly proclaims, they should 'remind you why you started going to the movies in the first place'. Genuine thrills and moreover genuine entertainment is the key, and The Host certainly provides this. Park Gang-du (Song Kang-ho) is a near-narcoleptic single father running a kiosk stall along the Han River. His father, Hee-bong (Byun Hee-bong) moans what a slob his son has become. All this changes when an amphibious monster, a giant tadpole with the head of an Alien, emerges from the River and causes havoc, swiping Park's daughter Hyun-seo (Ko A-sung) in the process. Initially believed to be dead. Park receives a call from her daughter, who's hiding from the dangerously close monster. Thus, the family, with his ex-stu-dent radical brother Nam-il (Park Hae-11) and his nervous archer sister Nam-joo (Bae Du-na), launch their rescue mission, against all odds, to save Hyun- Director Bong certainly has a hand in crafting memorable scenes. The beginning, where we first see the monster on his rampage, exemplifies masterful direction. The blending of CGI effects and live action, showing the monster terrorising, eating and flinging citizens in the air is simply stunning and provides the adrenaline rush that we come to expect. Particular mention should also go to the claustrophobic sequences showing Hyun-seo trapped in the monster's lair; as well as the unforgettable finale, which is both surreal and graphic at the same time. Although the monster is the main attraction, much of the film focuses on the tamiiy and their rescue attempt. Like Bong's previous films, black humour is infused throughout the story. Serious moments, such as the mistaken funeral of Hyun-so early in the film, somehow end up as ridiculously comical. Indeed Bong is known as a maverick director within Korea, mixing and matching elements of different genres to create an entertaining film. The Host refuses to take the cliched storytelling approach of placing heroic characters brandishing guns-and-ammo going head-on against the beast. Instead, we are looking at a bunch of misfits who somehow, by fluke, end up reaching their goal. Not to mention the unconventional weaponry- arrows anyone...? What is obvious right from the beginning is the political tone of the film. The Americans in the film are directly responsible for creating the monster, involved in the quarantine process and formulated the 'final solution' to the beast. Korean bureaucracy is seen as obstructive and kowtowing to the US. In reality, the presence of the US Army in Korea is a sensitive topic, and The Host can be seen as an allegory. However, Bong claims in countless interviews that he was more interested in concentrating on the working class family and their trials and tribulations throughout, and thus making an anti-authoritarian point and on the social ills in Korean society. While this may be true, it's hard to ignore the implicit pointed criticism against the US, and perhaps Bong is deliberately keeping this low-key to avoid stigmatising the audience. The dark finale, in particular, seems to be an episode ripped off from a war film but carrying a pacifist message. Don't misunderstand that The Host is solely a political exercise though. Being the highest grossing South Korean film of all time, it is a roller-coaster delight, with the combination of Western CGI-graphics and unconventional but thrilling and humorous storytelling (when will Jerry Bruckheimer et al ever leam?). As an alternative popcorn choice, this is a good bet. It's just a shame about the poor promotion for the film, and a shame about releasing it at this time, with such stiff competition. the host angustse witnesses a monster of korean cinema tuesday the twenty-first of november, two thousand and six eleven ve azauez daisymitchell-forster delights in diego at the national gallery Diego Bodriquez de Silva y VeWzquez (1599-1660) is considered to be one of the most astoundedly talented painters of all time. His lifelike portraits and unique talent for capturing the visual experience on canvas ensured his success in becoming the leading artist in the court of King PhilUpIV. This unanimous acclaim of his talent during the contemporary baroque period places him in an unusual niche of appreciation during his own lifetime. He focused on portraying the exact body language and facial expressions appearing on his models before his eyes, allowing the subject of the painting to communicate with the audience regardless of the pictures context - from ancient myth, to court life and to the ordinary. Born in SeviUe, Andalusia Velazquez showed an early gift for art and, when he was only eleven years old he served as an apprentice under the artist and teacher, Francisco Pacheco. His early paintings depict common everyday 'low-life' street scenes in a sombre manner, the humble characters portrayed with great dignity and gravitas. The simplicity and the seriousness with which he considers the mundane are overtly depicted in one of his most notable works. Kitchen Scene with Christ in the House of Martha and Mary (1681). Here, a young woman is preparing a simple meal as her older companion indicates towards the framed scene taking place through the hatch - Mary sits at Christ's feet as her busy sister Martha gnmibles that she is not helping with the work. Christ explains that Mary has chosen the better path in taking time to contemplate her eternal life. What is espe- cially peculiar in this painting are Velazquez cleverly mastered background and hatch perspective. It can then be seen as either a painting hanging on the wall behind the subjects on the foreground or an insight, a window, to the room behind. Velazquez is inviting the viewer to consider the contemporary activities in the foreground in the light of the message from the Bible, demonstrating for the first time his interest in multiple levels of reality and perception. Even by the 1620s Velazquez's position and reputation was assured in Seville and his appointment as painter to the King, the only one who was to paint the royal family, in 1623 opened new doors for the advancement of his career and for his development as an artist. In the immaculate painting of Phillip IV of Spain in Brown and Silver, the King is portrayed as immobile, impassive and superior -genuinely and truthfully depicting his reputation within the nation. The Toilet of Venus ('The Kokeby Venus') (1647-51), is perhaps the most outstanding painting - if one is allowed to be selective in this case - out of the works that are exhibited. Velazquez's only surviving nude is posed backwards to the audience as a cupid hols up a mirror for her toilet and, although the reflection is foggy, it is clear enough that her gaze meets her admirer's. The indistinctness of Venus' visage allows each individual to fill in the features of the perfect woman, supporting a belief, that mar well have been Velazquez's, that true beauty is unrepresentable and ultimately immaterial. The portraits of Francisco Lezxano and Pope Innocent X are also worth mentioning as true masterpieces in their own right. But it is especiaUy intriguing how Velazquez portrayed Francisco Lezcano -a dwarf playmate of prince Baltasar Carlos, sprawled like a child to accentuate both his stunted and bowled legs, leaving him limited not only in stature. His gaze, at once penetrating and lacking in focus, is echoed by the unsteady tilt of the head and the open mouth that drifts between smile and stupor. This image is one of many from a painter renowned for picking his models out of everyday life and capturing their personality and essence at that particular time of their lives - whether it would be pride, absence of thought of sheer pomposity. Velazquez dizzying use of vivid brushwork in the midst of baroque academic style of his contemporise and the free application of paint and rich use of colour makes him the father of the Spanish school of art. The work of Velazquez are being exhibited in The National Gallery and wiU be nmning until 21st January 2007. Highly recommended. P. n A Male Perspective What can we teU about a culture from its food? Probably loads. Bavarians seem to enjoy basement restaurants with no windows, and they also enjoy sausages in all different shapes and forms. There are big and small, white and black, brown and darker brown. Sausages are offered as starters, mains or sides. That most intriguing of meat-products, no one can tell you how they're made but everyone can teU you that German people like them. Well they have every reason to. The sausages at the Bavarian Beerhouse (the first Bavarian restaurant in the country) were excellent; they managed to be minimal on gristle and maximum on porky-herby flavour. So what does the Bavarian love of sausages tell us about the culture? They don't mind how something is made so long as it ends up looking like a veiny bangstick. Another thing that Bavarians love is cabbage. White and red, pickled or not, these guys love their cabbage. love much that when they serve you a main course, they are perfectly happy to take up over 60% of valuable plate real estate with red cabbage. Cabbage is of such importance that the only thing they see fit to place their beloved sausages on is a bed of pickled cabbage. That's right, I talk of none other than sauerkraut, that most peculiar of dishes. It may sound like a stereotype of joyless German people, but in fact if you look past the name it can taste quite good. Smothered in spicy mustard just strong enough, along with those ubiquitous sausages; sauerkraut is almost yummy. The Bavarian's love of Sauerkraut tells us that these people are smart; they understand that the best thing to do with that most maligned of vegetables, is to ferment it for several months. The authenticity of the restaurant might be called in to question. The waitress was wearing a Dirndl (a German dress) and all the staff spoke German. However, never having been to Bavaria I can't tell you if it was authentic or not. Luckily I ate with a friend... A Female Perspective The Bavarian Beerhouse certainly offered a touch of Germany in central London.The cheesy German pop and waitresses clad in traditional Dirndl, along with the somewhat uncomfortable wooden Bier Garten benches, did give the basement venue a Bavarian feel, if not exactly an overwhelming likeness. This sadly also applied to the food, which impressively enough is shipped in from Germany. Unfortunately it seems to have lost some of it's authenticity along the way. The starter of pretzels did have a lovely original pretzel taste, with the little rock salt bits, although maybe a little on the soggy side. The Apfel-Shorle, which can be best described as sparkling apple juice, was pretty good in helping to wash the soggy pretzel down. The classic ^ Currywurst und Pommes (Sausage in a curry-ketchup sauce with fries) was next. Although listed in the Snack section of the menu, it was big enough to be a main course. The sauce. which I am more accustomed to be thick and ketchup like in substance, was more like a watery lake. The fries were also nothing to write home about, but were served with a side of mayonnaise in true German style. The whole meal was heavy to say the least, and left absolutely no possibility of dessert. This was a shame, as the offers, including Black Forest Gateau, did sound tempting. The restaurant was empty, which may have been due to our timing, two o'clock on a Wednesday afternoon hardly being a busy and happening time in any venue. The frequent phone calls the hostess attended to did seem to indicate that the Beerhouse is quite jjopular, especially during the Bundesliga matches, which are shown there and for which the bookings were flooding in. Most amusing was the fact that you could purchase your very own traditional Bavarian dress at the restaurant, although at 119 poimds I am not sure they are bestsellers. If you're looking for something a little different or a wide-ranging German beer selection then the Bavarian Beerhouse is the place for you, but I must warn you the prices are on the higher end. striking a blow for sexual equality, kimmandeng and joshheller give us a nnale and a female perspective on bavarian cuisine sausages, sausages, sausages twelve tuesday the twenty-first of november, two thousand and six 1 T 14' 2 5,M 1. 171 --1—-—t-- :3^ 1 1 8 7 2 3 15 6 -3 4 8 6 3 1 6 4 9 3' j ...........2| ¦'C- 13 rj Across 7 abstract things in a row 8 hack at my chin with this 9 a little mistake 10 listening in 11 hard boney structure behind the ear 13 not advanced 15 city-lunch 16 weird little instrument much loved by Zelda 18 a place that gives advice 19 stairs for those on wheels 21 we stare at it all day, it's not a breast, it's flatter than that 22 suffuse in a nasty way Down 1 bells do this 2 he will take your things around town, on wheels 3 process of things going in things j when they're next to each other 4 eight things making noises 5 something not-heavy that flies 6 the ramones wanna be 12 the ramones don't wanna be this, this carries roman water 14 a non-sexual plastic 17 the opposite of lost 20 you can do the monster version, or do it to a potato 5i 2 1 7 1 b 3 1 2 5 8 9 5 ! 4 8 i 4 6 2 1 ' 9 2 8 8 4 7 3 1 2 / Ooh my!!! I do like young boys in ties and Mr Shaw certainly doesn't mind pig tails and fresh fanny's deliciously wrapped in those tartan skirts. The school disco in the quad this week went down a treat!!! Although my own attempts to sport whatever perk I have left of in my pompoms failed miserably, I thoroughly enjoyed lusting after all yours. I must say, I do wish this 'bite-a-snake' drink concoction was more popular in my day - it sent me over the edge very fast. I mistook the bouncer for Mr Shaw at one point and well...mistakes happen. No regrets of course. This week I've had a lot of letters from young ladies...perhaps it's that time of the month. So young-uns, prepare yourself for dildo disasters, tampon tantrums and as always, spelling mistakes. Enjoy! Dear Auntie I found a dildo in my girlfriend's drawer at the start of term. It's perfectly possible that she had it before she met me but it has increasingly become an issue for me and my marLhood. It's big, incredibly life Uke, purple, takes AA's and has a 'simultaneous cli-toral stimulating function'. Don't ask how but I know it's stiU used. If I could do all those things and take AA's up my ASS I WOULD BUT I CAN'T, I FUCKING CAN'T, I AM NOT A MACHINE, I HAVE FEELINGS....I'm GOING TO KILL HER (Ps. She doesn't know) 2nd Year What on earth were you doing in her drawer?! I think you might be suffering from a few minor insecurities. Since you certainly do not seem like the confrontational type, a little shock therapy for your Missus can cure her addiction to Roger. Why not mischievously replace the item with anal beads. Discovering this in her drawer will completely shock her system right through and soon paranoia that she bought the item will begin to kick in. If this fails, put the item in a fellow flatmate's drawer and create a bit of tension in the household. This will ultimately lead to a female wrestle which you can sit back and enjoy! I recommend www.sextoys.com Auntie Shaw xoxo Dear Auntie You said these letters can be as explicit as we want so here it goes (and I want explicit answers too!) What is better, a tampon or a pad? The thought of a tampon creeps me out but pads always have potential overflow issues and I hate the sight of blood. The tampon or pad issue is a great debate among health critics. I'm sitting on the fence until I hear from you Mrs. Shaw. 1st Year Name withheld, Passfield HaUs The female menstrual cycle is a bit of a bloody bizarre issue isn't it? What a beautiful thing a birth is (I stiU remember holding a kicking and screaming Flanny Flirtina in my arms) but is all the bloodshed really necessary? I would personally stick to the female sanitary towel. The thought of anything else there up in those sensitive regions other that myself or Mr Shaw is rather disturbing, although that could be due to my age...I was rather adventurous during my student days. If you are looking for a discreet way of managing your menstrual cycle then tampons are the best option. These days, I hear you can mistake them for packets of sugar However discreet you are, boys will always squirm at the remote thought of 'feminine issues'. I hope your haven't really been setting on that fence until you heard from me or that would be a very dirty fence indeed. You can gain up to 91bs during ovulation Auntie Shaw xoxo Dear Auntie F is my best mate, so is S. We always do everything together. Recently, F has been hitting on my mate P who is my ex flatmate's ex boyfriend. I normally wouldn't have a problem with this but I know for a fact that S used to fancy F and she got the hint that the flirting wasn't just a one way thing. T is such a bitch because she moved in with us this year and she just eats all my food and listens to really shit music. I've recently been confiding in T about this and she thinks that F and P have already had a thing just cifter my ex flatmate and P split up. T's ex, J, have been on and off for a while but J is my really good mate who I shared a kiss with last Christmas. I'm not sure whether I should tell T about this after she has been so nice to me. It meant nothing and I'm not even sure they were going out at the moment. If anyone has ever been more deserving of advice from Auntie Shaw I'U eat my own pair of shoes. Government and Social Policy LSE '08 However exciting meddling and gossip maybe be (I do it as a living), there is a limit. After reading and re reading your letter, I really couldn't find a single issue that you could potentially be involved in. F is clearly a bisexual, the x-mas kiss needs no mention, leave J and T alone and as for the SPF triangle, it will not become a square. Oh and those shoes, I would start eating them right away young madam! Start with the laces Auntie Shaw xoxo If you want to share (or scare) me with you problems, rants and general nonsense, please do get in touch at thebeaverpartb@lse.ac.uk or through Auntie Shaw on Facebook. Ever your Auntie xoxo eness Week Special IBeaver i 21 November 2006 onation not discrimination Alex Finiiegan argues against the discrimination that prevents gays from giving blood My grandmother always gives blood. Once every six months she tnindles into town and waits for her turn. It's a good opportunity for her to rest her feet, chat with her pals and get a cup of tea and a biscuit. She's the only one in the family that bothers to do it. She is always on at me to do the same. But I can't give blood, I am not allowed. In the UK, there is a blanket ban on blood donation by gay and bisexual men. The National Blood Service (NBS) argues that gay men are a "higher risk" group than others in society and therefore we are banned from donating blood. Don't get me wrong, the NBS does a fantastic job. Many thousands of people across the country rely on the service otherwise they would die. It just seems strange that it has imposed a blanket ban on one section of society based on the misleading stereotype that all gay men are promiscuous and put themselves at risk. Pardon the pun, but let's get a few things straight. Proportionately, the risk of HIV infection is still higher amongst gay and bisexual men - but this is proportionate to the size of the gay and bisexual community. Newsflash: it's not that large! Secondly, rates of HIV infection continue to increase more sharply in the heterosexual community, despite the safe sex message. The ban even applies to gay and bisexual men who have always used a condom. The NBS seems to view all sexual activity exactly in the same way. The NBS should discriminate before it takes blood from people. But it should discriminate based on behaviour rather than sexuality. Not all gay and bisexual men have multiple partners. I could have had a monogamous same-sex relationship for ten years. This would put me in a far lower risk category than someone who has multiple heterosexual partners. It is all about behaviour and individual risk. Not sexual identity. Last year, patients received over three million units of blood that were tested for HIV, Hepatitis B and C before they were used. One of the problems associated with testing for HIV has to do with what is called the 'window period'. This is the time between infection and the time It takes to detect the infection in the blood. The NBS argues that this 'window period' means its blood tests won't reveal the presence of antibodies in the blood, which confirm that the infection is there. However, new testing procedures mean that they can detect infection in the blood far more quickly because they are looking for the virus and not the antibodies. In the UK there are dwindling blood stocks. It seems wrong to me that the NBS would cut itself off from a potential source of help. I am certainly not encourag- ing anyone to break the rules regarding blood donation. It is important that the blood supply is as safe as possible and gay and bisexual men, just like their heterosexual brothers, might not always be aware of the risks to them and their body. Sexual health check-ups are a must. However, it is time the NBS changed its policy. Other countries in Europe are reviewing their policies and the American Red Cross has called for the ban to be lifted. All this week, on Houghton Street, we will be encouraging people to sign our petition, to urge the NBS to review its policy so that individual donors are assessed on their behaviour, rather than their sexuality. Please come and sign up. Giving blood is a responsibility, not a right, which can help save the lives of millions of people so please give blood today. I wish I could. ¦ m m 1 Vv»v"-"!l tuily ft'r-l a UllU' jnick t 141 leaver 121 November 2006 FEATURES: Disability Awareness Special Is the LSE campus disability friendly? Features Editor Fatima Manji discusses The Beaver team's experience of being 'disabled' for an hour and highlights some of the problems disabled students may face whilst at the LSE I G M K Last Friday, Emma Hallgren; the Union's 'Students with Disabilities Officer,' organised a competitive Campus Orienteering activity to highlight the various problems faced by disabled students around LSE, as part of Disabilities Awareness Week. As always your very own Features Editors were up for a challenge and we thus volunteered ourselves and new-kid-on-the-block Sports Editor Joey Mellows to take part with the intention of familiarising ourselves with the issues pertaining to disability awareness as well as engaging in a bit of friendly competition against the two other teams; the infamous UGM celebrities: C&S and the Student Union Executive team, represented by the Sabbatical Officers. (Unfortunately the former failed to show up, whilst the latter had to be coerced into taking part -thirty minutes into the challenge, so as far as the 'competition' element is concerned; it looked like a victory for The Beaver from the start.) Thus we set oft to explore the LSE campus armed with precise instructions and closely followed by Emma and her assistants to make sure we were observing the rules, in order to be able to experience five different disabilities. Disability Nvn br -:: obi'Lv This is perhaps the one that most obviously comes to mind and most people would think of a wheelchair user, when hearing the word disability. However according to official government statistics one in five people of working age are considered to be disabled and this encompasses a whole range of problems; not just that of mobility. Mobility impairment itself refers to an inability to use one or more extremities or a lack of strength to carry out physical activities such as walking and those who are mobility impaired often use wheelchairs, crutches or walkers to aid them. With this particular disability, usually being overtly noticeable we imagined the LSE campus to be fairly accommodating. But as we headed off to the Careers Service, as per our instructions, almost immediately we were confronted with a problem. Just as we were about to run down the stairs, towards the Towers, we were reminded that we were technically meant to be in wheelchairs and this was impossible. Aha...but there's a lift we thought smugly and just as we were \ i ?wSi about to decipher the exact workings of this modern invention...turns out the lift appeared to be strangely 'Out of Order,' posing us with a bit of a problem. (My investigative skills suggest this apparent fault with the lift was staged for the purposes of this activity - so don't all write into LSE Maintenance!) Eventually we worked out in order to reach our destination, we would have to go all the way round from the other side, but having finally reached the doors to Tower Three we were faced with problem number two as wheelchair users; being unable to open them. Joey and I clearly looked confused, whilst Ben made a desperate plea to passers-by: "Excuse me, I'm in a wheelchair can you open the door for me?" One man rather aggressively ordered him to "Open it yourself! " (this of course set me off with an attack of hysterical laughter for about three minutes), whilst others simply ignored us. Finally one bewildered looking student obliged and we gained access to the building. What would have been a matter of seconds ¦ for the three of us normally, took much longer when we were faced with mobility impairment and this was to areas where 'disabled access,' is supposedly enabled. In any case, the activity served its purpose and for the rest of the challenge we all began spotting potential problem spots for wheelchair users including narrow gaps in doorways and lifts. Obvious? Maybe not. Disability Number 2: Hearing Impairment a Vv'hal s meant to be --xrong - This can consist of varying degrees; from a complete absence of hearing to a decreased ability to perceive auditory information. Our task was to answer five simple questions by listening to a pre-recorded lecture-but here's the catch - it was deliberately played faintly so as to allow us to experience what it is like to be hearing impaired. We felt it was difficult enough to listen even in silence, imagine what it could be like for someone with hearing difficulties, having to concentrate around people chatting during a lecture or when there is a high level of background noise - as is the case in many of the classrooms close to main roads such as in Clement House. Disability Number 3; Accessibility Next task. Student Union Copy Shop - which by the way isn't accessible for wheelchair users. And so we were given an ordinary task: photo- Photograph: AditiNangia, 1 ub now'" A confused Beavt-r team copying to conduct as a growth impaired student. Joey very kindly volunteered of his own accord (after some level of coercion from Features) to take this on - photocopying, whilst standing on his knees. As three editors who might be described as technologically 'challenged,' we have a tough enough time deciphering how to work photocopying machines as it is. This task took a good ten minutes. Perhaps some form of height adjustable photocopying machines would make life a lot easier for students with this disability? Disability Number 4: Visual impairment FEATURES: Disability Awareness Special Contrary to popular belief, visual impairment does not simply refer to someone who is fully blind but is also a term used for those with reduced vision. A person can be registered 'blind' on the advice of an ophthalmologist, if they cannot see the biggest letter on a standard letter chart with both eyes open when it is held three metres away. The activity we had to undertake to experience this disability was again to answer five straightforward questions, this time by looking at a paragraph of writing from a projector slide. Writing which was deliberately skewed to make it difficult to read, thus allowing to empathise with the potential problems faced by a visually impaired student. Hence the clear sense of confusion on all our faces in the photograph. Although this activity was enlightening in informing us 538 students at the LSE are registered as disabled. There may be many more who experience a disability and are not. Disability Number 5: Dyslexia The confusion continued into the next activity as we embarked on unscrambling a love poem - an example of viewing the world from the perspective of a dyslexic student. Dyslexia is a learning difficulty of a complex nature. It impacts a person's ability to read, write and count - and results in a person's cognitive ability being lower than that which would be expected from a person of their intelligence. Approximately 4% of Britain's population is thought to suffer from dyslexia, but 10% show some of its symptoms, So in conclusion then our campus orienteering activity was a fun experience in watching each other struggle but also a very real insight into the problems faced by different types of students. Fun and games aside, there is a serious tone to all this: the fact that disability awareness is fundamental. Regardless of how progressive and educated we may believe ourselves to be, the reality is that very few of us are aware of the realities experienced by disabled students -and in this I do not just refer to those in wheelchairs. Two very important elements stood out for me. Firstly that disabili- ties are not always that obvious; everything from dyslexia to hearing impairments may be entirely invisible and this needs to be considered when we speak of the 'needs of disabled students.' Secondly, despite the School's efforts in trying to accommodate the needs of different students, there is still much more which can be done. For those with mobility problems, certain areas of the campus are completely inaccessible including The Beaver office. And other disabled students may experience problems of a different nature. In writing this article, I am not advocating patronizing raph: Photo;' th'-. fiUy Dft' students with disabilities in a self-righteous manner. But we need to be aware that various students around us; our friends and classmates may face different disabilities. Our role is to be aware of them and to be willing to help accommodate their needs, without treating them any differently as individuals in their own right. H (And in the final scores for the challenge; The Beaver team successfully beat the turned-up-late Sabbaticals!) With many thanks to Union Student with Disabilities Officer Emma Hallgren and her team of helpers for organising an extremely insightful experience. If you would like further information on LSE's provisions for disabled students please contact Emma on: Su.Disability@lse.ac.uk sy '0 the Towora Addressing disability issues in our education system Features Editor Ben jam in Biggs examines the debate around where disabled children should be educated The debate over whether England's 1.5m children with "special educational needs" — which range from dyslexia through behaviour dysfunction to severe medical conditions— should be educated in mainstream classrooms rather than in specialist schools was a key campaign issue at the last general election. The prevailing view amongst education professionals was that they should. However last summer a report published by the all-party parliamen-taiy committee on education concluded that the system is not "fit for purpose." Inclusion seems an uncontrover-sial enough aim. Supporters say that segregating disabled children in special facilities keeps them from achieving their educational potential and developing social skills. Mary Warnock, an academic and now a peer, led the crusade for inclusion. Her ideas became law in the 1981 Education Act, although the money, under a Conservative government, lagged behind. When Labour came to power in 1997 they declared that "the proportion of children educated in special schools should fall over time." Ministers have also stumped up more cash (about £1.5 billion since 2002) into educating children with special needs, much of it in ordinary schools. Through the "School Action Plus" programme, mainstream schools were told to identify children with problems and give them extra help. Thanks to these policies, the number of pupils taught in special schools has fallen dramatically, from 131,000 in 1979 to 90,000 last year. The number of children who are legally entitled to specific help, has fallen too, by 8% since 2001. Many mainstream schools are struggling though. Children with special needs now account for between a tenth and a quarter of an average intake. Yet schools do not always earmark extra cash for them, and many pupils do not get the help they need. Their numbers have increased too, partly because medical advances have allowed more children with severe problems to survive. Teachers are not trained for the widening range of conditions defined as educational disabilities. A growing number of pupils are autistic or have behavioural problems, and hence are disruptive; two-thirds of all those suspended from school have "special needs". Pupils with physical disabilities or milder learning problems can thrive in mainstream schools but others are unhappy, especially at secondary level. Many would prefer specialist schools. Lady Wamock has also changed her mind: last summer she published a pamphlet arguing that inclusion had gone "too far". The Conservative Party, in line with their stances on everything else it previously believed, have changed their mind too. Andrew Adonis, an influential education minister, wants to redefine inclusion. His new vision is of "third-way provision"—special units located within ordinary schools so that pupils with special needs can mix with the others for some lessons but be protected from the chaos of school life for others. He says that the government does not have a policy of closing special schools, although some may amalgamate. Cash; as always may eiusum prove be what matter. Special facilities cost up to ten times as much as mainstream ones.H + 161 leaver 121 November 2006 FEATURES: Profile Barack Obama: A Saviour for America In the first of our series of American Presidential profiles, Greg White takes a look at the new darling of the Democratic Party The Democratic Party is in shambles. At least that is what you hear from right to left across the United States. If you watch any sort of television news programming in America or read The New York Times you might begin to believe this as fact. To understand why this is the case one needs simply to look at those individuals currently leading the party. While Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid have done a fine job of saying little in their positions as Democratic Party leaders in the House and Senate, respectively, the country has been left to look to figures such as Hillary Clinton for inspiration. While a shrewd and tremendous politician, SenatorHillary Clinton is anything but leadership material. There is nothing inspiring about her rhetoric, nothing that a citizen could grab hold onto and vote for on a national level. The search for a new Clinton continues, but in the process the country may have found a new John F Kennedy. The diamond in the otherwise stripped mine of post-Clintonian democratic politics is Barack Obama of Illinois. It's unlikely Obama hysteria has crossed the pond at this stage, but it has certainly conquered blue America from coast to coast. Obama was quot-¦ ed as saying,"rm so overexposed, I'm making Paris Hilton look like a recluse." Possessing the speaking ability of Clinton with the imagination of JFK, he is the most capable populist politician the country has seen in some time. Coming from a mixed race background, a black father and a white mother and an education in both Christian and Muslim schools. Hiilar>f Clinton is anything but leadership material. There is nothing inspiring about her rhetoric, nothing that a citizen could grab hold onto and vote for on a national level Obama has appeal with a diverse group of communities. Senator Obama also possesses the international aspects, most capable American Presidents have, without the decidedly Francophile style of defeated democratic candidate John Kerry. Having lived in Indonesia as a youth after his mother remarried. Obama has a more global outlook than some of his more domestic counterparts. The pedigree of Ivy League studies is also well established in Obama's veins, having studied international relations at Columbia and graduated from Harvard Law. While all of this is appealing in many ways, it is his broader ideas and conceptions of the United States and the world that make him such a compelling character in American politics. A moderate anti-war leader, who seems to talk more than he votes on the issue, Obama represents much of the sentiment of common Americans on the Iraq issue. He has been a strong voice in the Senate in regards to anti-torture legislation when Republican candidates, such as John McCain, are floimdering on the issue. Obama has stated; "Today we are engaged in a deadly global struggle for those who would intimidate, torture and murder people for exercising the most basic freedoms. If we are to win this struggle and spread those freedoms, we must keep our own moral compass pointed in a true direction." This is the sort of inspirational rhetoric the American people are craving, not the decidedly crippled electioneering of Hillary Clinton or John McCain. And like every presidential candidate, Obama has written a book. Titled The Audacity of Hope, influential broadsheets like The New York Times have showered it with praise; "And in these pages, he often speaks to the reader as if he were an old friend from back in the day, salting policy recommendations with colourful asides about the absurdities of political life." It's the reality that Obama brings about in his script that is so appealing. In his previous book Dreams From My Father, Obama was audacious enough to describe his experiences with drug use. Admitting to that in American politics is quite typically political suicide. The US has had candidates cover these issues up in ridiculous style such as the bizarre series of Clintonian remarks about not inhaling. The impact of his books and speaking ability has been the creation of a community, intent on getting him to run. Not that Obama has not been secretly building this group for some time now, with his blogging and pod-casting activities. But this stretches beyond the Deaniac, internet, grass-root campaigners of the previous presidential election. Time magazine, a rather centrist outfit, ran an article on its front page; stating why this man will be the next President of the United States. That is a rather aggressive piece for someone who has not even served a whole term in public office. But perhaps it is just that which makes him so appealing. His roguish, progressive, morally mindful attitudes are what should be shaping the party lines of the Democrats, not the conflict driven pursuit of further differentiation. All the nonsense in the US about red and blue states is a great deal of rubbish. People have always had different opinions on issues of society and class, but more or less, most people agree on 'the big stuff.' I doubt many Americans feel that education and healthcare should be so under-funded as to leave a generation of students behind and in debt and that a generation of seniors shoiild be reduced to making car trips to Canada in order to buy cheap drugs. Nor do people believe that the US should start an American Empire of foot soldiers who march the world waving our flag and shoving our culture down others' throats. And that too works in the reverse, as most Americans do not want the US to become isolationist, distant from all the cultures that make up the United States of America. Obama stands for the progressive centrism, 'common sense politics' that can turn a generation destined for cynicism and doubt, into one of hope and inspiration. All he has to do is run and the whole nature of American politics could be shifted.® In his own words... "Money is not the only answer but it makes a difference." "There's not a liberal America and a conservative America - thenVs the United States of America." "My job is not to r{:pr<>.sent Washington to yon, but to repre.sent you to Washington." leaver! 21 November 2006 17 Rumsfeld resigns, but will Gates give the US a new foreign policy? Features Political Correspondent Gianfirrti examines those in charge of US Defence Policy After six long years, Donald Rumsfeld is finally out of ajob. Thus ends the tenure of the most unpopular and polarising Secretary of Defence since Robert McNamara, the architect of the Vietnam War. Henry Kissinger, the former Secretary of State, once described Rumsfeld as the most ruthless man he had ever met. Indeed, his rule at the Pentagon was characterised by ideological bullying and intolerance of dissent. In Bob Woodward's new book on the Bush administration's execution of the War on Terror, State of Denial, Rumsfeld is portrayed as a pigheaded jerk whom the President had to order to return then National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice's phone calls. As if this weren't enough to indict Rumsfeld based solely on his personality, The New York Times recently reported that the man plays incredibly dirty squash, refusing to clear the middle of the court to allow his opponents to reach the ball. But Rumsfeld was not ousted because of his objectionable personality or foul play on the squash court. Rumsfeld lost his job because of a long list of catastrophic failures. At the top of this list, was his campaign to transform the American military into a 21®' century fighting force. He sought to reorient the military away from the Cold War mentality of large standing armies and big, costly weapons systems towards small, flex- rf-w Gates...should bring a degree of consensus building back into the Defence Department. He is not an ideologue and has been critical of the war in Iraq. ible special ops units capable of responding to crises around the world swiftly, decisively and inexpensively. The so-called "Rumsfeld doctrine" seemed to have been vindicated in the immediate aftermath of the lightning-quick disposal of the Taliban in Afghanistan and Saddam Hussein's regime in Iraq. Subsequent developments served to discredit this method of waging war Rumsfeld made few provisions for keeping the peace and rebuilding vital infrastructure. According to neo-conservative logic, a liberated people are a peaceful people and oil revenues will pay for infrastructure redevelopment. We all know how that turned out. The American military is hopelessly overstretched, a problem that has been compounded by Rumsfeld's decision to disband the Iraqi army and purge members of Saddam's Ba'ath Party. The Taliban is resurgent in southern Afghanistan along the lawless Pakistani border and to say that American forces are containing the rampant sectarian violence in Iraq would be generous. Furthermore, there is a tragic irony in the fact that Rumsfeld's 21®' century fighting force is now woefully unable to deal with 21®' century problems like nuclear proliferation. "There is no doubt that Iran and North Korea's nuclear activity has become far more brazen of late because they know that an American military response is highly unlikely due to logistical and political constraints. Beyond hamstringing the American armed forces, Rumsfeld presided over a string of scandals. The first was the lagging procurement of life-saving armour for Humvees and infantrymen. In response to one serviceman's request for more armour Rumsfeld replied, "You don't go to war with the army you want, you go to war with the army you have." Evidently, this means you go to war with an incompetent defence secretary hell-bent on fighting wars cheaply regardless of casualties. The second and most damaging scandal was the torture exposed at Abu Ghraib. While perhaps not specifically condoned by Rumsfeld, the kind of abuses that occurred at Abu Ghraib were only possible within a military culture that does condone looking the other way and passing the buck downward in rank. The same could be said for the scandalous cover-up of the Haditha massacre in which a platoon of marines who had just lost one of their number to a roadside bomb slaughtered 24 Iraqi civilians including women and children. This list of scandals could be lengthened ad infinitum, so comprehensive was Rumsfeld's negligence. What is striking is how utterly unrepentant and indignant he managed to be in the face of these scandals. Rumsfeld was completely unwilling to accept any responsibility for his errors in judgment and the kind of culture he helped to foster within the armed services. As the midterm elections approached this fall, the steady drumbeat of calls for Rumsfeld's ousting reached a point of cacophony. Embattled Republicans, Democrats, retired generals and the military press all lent their voices. In the wake of the Democrats' victory in both houses of Congress, many prominent Republicans, most notably former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich, are blaming the White House for not sacking Rumsfeld before the election. The Bush team is claiming that they didn't want to give any weight to the Democrats' claims that Iraq is a failing endeavour in need of a new direction. Unfortunately for Bush and the Grand Old Party, the results of this election cycle indicate that this is exactly how the American people feel. They wanted Rumsfeld's head on a plate and that's what they got. Several months ago, before the midterms it was clear that Bush would never let go of Rumsfeld. Iraq is so central to Bush's legacy that the loss of Rumsfeld, as the architect of that war and the War on Terror generally, would be tacit acknowledgement of the failure of Bush's vision. Additionally, the Bush administration has adhered to their "stay the course" mentality fairly closely despite the fact that they chucked the phrase itself. Right up until the midterms. Bush was saying that Rumsfeld wouldn't be going anywhere regardless of the outcome of the elections. Finally, Bush can't seek re-election and Cheney is not running. If they had refused to make changes in the face of gross incompetence when they could still be held accountable electorally, as lame ducks with nothing to lose there was no way that they would cease their unequivocal support of Rumsfeld. For all these reasons, I was slightly perplexed when I found out that Rumsfeld had resigned. To some extent, the people have spoken and the Bush administration responded accordingly. But this was not a spur of the moment decision. In the past week it has come to light that Rumsfeld's resignation had been in the works for months. The Bush team was having a hard time finding a replacement (understandably) and, again, they wanted to wait until after the midterms. Interestingly, Bush refused Rumsfeld's resignation twice during the Abu Ghraib scandal. Rumsfeld's exit from the Pentagon and Robert Gates' nomination to fill the post tell us three things about today's Bush administration. First, it proves that Bush is finally willing to acknowledge publicly that the situation in Iraq is deteriorating and in need of a fresh, bipartisan approach. Rumsfeld was the perfect sacrificial lamb to show that Bush is ready to make changes and not simply stay the course. He was a partisan enforcer that ruled the Pentagon with an iron fist. Gates has served under both Republican and Democratic administrations in various capacities and should bring a degree of consensus building back into the Defence Department. He is not an ideologue and has, in fact, been critical of the war in Iraq and the administration's approach to Iran. Second, the Gates nomination No matter how you slice it, Rumsfeld's resignation is a step in the right direction for the United States allows Bush to mend the rift between the Defence Department and the State Department. Rumsfeld first opened this wound by rejecting then Secretary of State Colin Powell's advice on the invasion of Iraq. Powell is a four star general with a doctrine attached to his name as well. The Powell doctrine is one of overwhelming force to topple regimes and keep the peace afterwards. Obviously, this did not fit in with the paradigm Rumsfeld envisioned. The antipathy between the Defence Department and the State Department was only perpetuated when 'Condi' replaced Powell in early 2005. Gates was director of the CIA under the first President Bush. He rose out of the intelligence agency's Soviet analyst ranks. During Bush I's presidency. Gates worked closely with 'Condi', also a Soviet expert and then a member of the National Security Council, formulating policy on the collapse of the USSR. Third and finally, Gates' entrance into the White House inner circle indicates that Bush may have finally gotten over his Oedipus complex. I don't mean to psychoanalyse W, but the war in Iraq could be seen as an effort to do what the old man couldn't, oust Saddam and turn the Middle East into a democratic Utopia. Adding fuel to this fire, is the fact that Rumsfeld is Bush I's great rival. It is reported that the two men despise each other, having worked together under several Republican administrations. Rumsfeld's inclusion was certainly a thumb in Dad's eye. Gates is not the only evidence that W may be trying to reconcile with his father. He has been more attentive to Brent Snowcroft, Bush I's National Security Adviser and a leading Republican critic of the war in Iraq. Most importantly, W appears to be eagerly awaiting the findings of the Iraq Study Group, co-chaired by James Baker, Bush I's Secretary of State. These men were 'Cold Warriors'. They are seasoned realists of the old school that should tamp down the idealistic bent of W's foreign policy. No matter how you slice it, Rumsfeld's resignation is a step in the right direction for the United States. I'm sceptical as to how much things will actually change, particularly in Iraq. Gates can't will into being the huge amount of combat ready troops we so desperately need to keep the peace. But we can be hopeful that the Bush administration will begin to engage members of the so-called "Axis of Evil" such as Syria and Iran to prevent Iraq from becoming a failed state. Also, Gates may be more serious about implementing the recommendations of the 9/11 Commission.® 18|leaver |2i November 2006 ¥EAT\JRES:Business More money for Fat Cat CEOs Giles Wilkes argues the huge pay gap between chief executives and their employees is unfair and must be addressed Last month, we learnt from Income Data Services that the average pay of FTSE 100 chief executives grew last year by 40%, to stand at £2.89million, or 98 times average earnings. Ordinary wages grew at around 5%. In fact, they had to - the economy only grows so fast. But, somehow, the salaries of bosses defy gravity. How can this happen? I like the 'E' in 'LSE', and tend also to like what free markets do -much smarter and more adaptable than governments - and so find myself intrigued when they seem to misfire so badly. For that is the standard excuse for pay awards, at both ends - "it's a free market, innit", and who can gainsay the all-knowing market? In fact, the Director-General of the Confederation of British Industry (CBI) put it so much better in an letter to The Times: "Senior executive pay has increased in line with international benchmarks, while lower-skilled employees have found themselves competing with low-cost workers overseas". How interesting! Being in an international market has pushed CEOs pay UP, but keeps other workers' pay DOWN! I have experience working with people at the Mercedes-end of the pay-scale in the City. The most striking observation I gained was that higher levels do not incen-tivise better work. In fact, the more they were paid, the more whiny, defensive and aggrieved the employee would be. Being able to buy almost any amount of stuff made little difference to motivation. In fact, at high levels of pay, the absolute value of a salary package becomes immaterial compared to the positional advantage it gives you relative to your peers. Once the bills are paid, the wealthy don't care how many pints, houses or suits their salary packet can get them. But finding out that Bob from Fixed Income got as much as Rick from Equities is enough to have Rick chucking the rattle out of the pram and storming into the boss's office, even if Rick has just been given enough to buy himself a portion of the Caribbean. Such lack of perspective on the 'demand' side would not matter if the market was efficient in all other ways. After all, having a few yuppies complaining about not yet being able to afford the Ferrari wouldn't matter if their jobs could be instantly taken by a graduate on a fifth of the pay. But it doesn't work like that -entrenched employees ! . have real bargaining power, through their accumulated knowledge, their valuable contacts, in fact as much through the damage they can do as the good. I am a believer in the fairness of free labour markets - when they are genuinely free. This means - lots of buyers (employers), lots of sellers (employees), no barriers to entry, and so on. But the CEO pay bazaar is not such a free market. A CEO has "local monopoly power"- which means the ability to extract supernormal 'rent'. To be a candidate for his position, you need to have a history in that business, sometimes in that very company. You need the existing sales relationships, knowledge of the other key employees, the funny technological quirks of your business. In particular, you need to be known and trusted by the City, who could punish a 'wrong' appointment with a 10% fall in the share price if it looks too out of court. The result is a short candidate list -and not because the talents are incredibly rare. Other factors differentiate the CEO pay-market from that of a burger-flipper or cleaner. For the CEO, a panel of similar people - directors, other CEO's, etc decide his pay. They won't fight for a low salary package, because they also benefit from the system. Few directors want to be known for being the worst payers in the FTSE 100 or 350, whereas one suspects that showing brutal restraint on lower level salaries is seen as a tremendous virtue. Furthermore, the ultimate paymaster is the shareholder. Where are they? Supposedly present in the form of the directors, their interests are in fact heavily diluted, and confused by the short-term City share price reaction. How frequent are shareholder revolts over CEO pay? They tend to be famous because their very rarity, such as the squabble over JP Garnier's package at GlaxoSmithkline. The "benchmarking" of CEO salaries also explain a bias towards empire-building mergers and takeovers. Taking over another company, study after study has shown, does not enhance the shareholder return for the acquiring company. But it does push a CEO into a bigger bracket - and with it, a better benchmark. I am not against high pay as such. To give an example of ludicrous salaries that nevertheless 'make sense', look at the football market. In the 1960's, owing to a legally-rigged market, professional footballers were paid a maximum of £20 per week, until this was ended by Jimmy Hill (better known nowadays for being a large-chinned pundit). By the 1970's, salaries had risen to £100, and, in the early 1990's, £10,000. Now, following the Sky Television bonanza, £100,000 per week is not uncommon. Much less, and the player will be seen in some cafe, complaining to an agent about what an insulting chap the Chairman is. Footballers get away with this not because ball-juggling talent is so much rarer since the days of Pele, Johan Cruyf and Bobby Charlton. If anything, the supply of good players has increased. The actual reason concerns the structure of the market, and the supply of cash. With the end of transfer restrictions in 1995 (as a result of the Bosman ruling - a mediocre player having a huge effect), the genuinely limited supply of star ¦ players, now in full possession of property rights in themselves, could fully leverage their value. But the football market is fair. There are few barriers to entry. Any sixteen-year-old who can run all day and bend it like Beckham can break into the top ranks. The competition for his signature is genuine and fierce. Unlike CEO's, a footballer is also the major capital asset of the 'company'. The CEO of BP, on the other hand, is making money that is actually being earned by billions of pounds of invested capital. Also, a footballer is in a very risky job. The vast majority fail, and even the superstars have at most 10-12 years of good earnings to pay for a subsequent lifetime as PE teachers. Finally, Gary Neville's salary is not decided by a panel consisting of Paul Scholes, Ryan Giggs, and, for balance, his brother Phil from Everton. So footballers were unlocking their true value after decades of a false market. CEO's are not, instead they are increasingly exploiting their monopoly position, and abusing the fact that their compensation is decided by reference to other CEO's. Government organisations like the Civil Service are closer to the right mark, paying amounts more like ten times the average salary at the top. They don't have trouble recruiting. How can this broken market be fixed? Shareholders need to care more, and make it clear that they do not see a huge CEO pay package as a share-price boosting virility symbol. But ultimately, the only answer can come with restraint on the demand side. So long as every CEO wants to be paid well relative to his peers, they will just be a herd of fat cats chasing their own tails, getting fatter and fatter but no more satisfied. Their peculiar selfishness seems worse for the fact that they are pursuing lumps of cash that they clearly fail to appreciate for its real value - instead, seeing it as tokens in a childish competitive game. There are plenty of reasons to be proud of becoming a CEO - it is a huge achievement, despite all I have said here - but earning 100 times that of the average employee is not one of them.H An Apple a day keeps Microsoft away? Simon Wang says Microsoft must fight to revive its once giant status Microsoft is old. In the 21®^ Century, it is clearly lagging behind - outmanoeuvred, so to speak, by faster, clever, hipper and more innovative competitors - from Apple and Google to Flickr and YouTVibe. With its share of both hardware and software markets dwindling, something needs to be done. It's not really a case of if Microsoft will truly challenge Apple's iPod, the Blackberry or MySpace, but rather how - after all, it's already happening, regardless of whether people are aware of it or not. In June, Bill Gates stepped down from his role as chief software architect (although he will remain Chairman) of Microsoft - marking the end of an era. His handpicked successor, Ray Ozzie, now has the task of facing the opposition, which has to this day outmatched any new products Microsoft has managed to produce in this new battleground. Apple Computer currently completely controls the online music and MPS player business with the firm grip of the iPod - Microsoft has tried to compete with its own music device, the Zune, released five months ago, with a very low success rate. Although Microsoft's games console, the Xbox 360, has been a hit, competition from Sony's Playstation 2 (and the upcoming PS3 and Nintendo's Wii) means that profits are elusive, if they exist. And as for internet applications - what is generally considered to be the defining factor in future technology companies -Microsoft is clearly not leading the pack. Google reigns supreme in both search functionality and online video (after its swallowing ofYouTube a few weeks ago), as well as experimenting MK? piayiTS: WincitiiVv of opportunity with web apps, and MySpace, Bebo and Facebook generally dominate the social networking sector. Meanwhile, Microsoft has been struggling with the sort of things it has done best - big software packages. Windows is slowly but surely losing ground to both Mac OS X and Linux, due to the security of the former and the cheapness of the latter (Linux is free), and Vista, due out next year, is two years late and has no firm release date. But Ozzie has a plan. He is painfully aware of the story of IBM in the 1970s - when it was the most powerful corporation on Earth - so powerful that the government sued it for antitrust violations. Ozzie does not want history to repeat itself. Therefore, instead of spending billions and years on one giant deeply integrated software package, Microsoft seem to be taking a leaf out of Google, Apple and Yahoo's book, by designing smaller and thus, faster releases of software in interchangeable pieces. They are trying to copy what is currently known as the 'Apple Effect' - the effect of the hugely successful iPod contributing to greater sales of Apple's main profit maker -iMacs and MacBook computers and laptops. Microsoft wants to create a similar effect - they want users who have a Windows machine to be inclined to buy and use a Microsoft Zune MPS Player, a Windows Mobile device, MSN Messenger, a Xbox 360... and so forth - thus allowing users to have access to all their information wherever they are, whether at work, at home or on the move. However this path is radical and risky - one of the fundamental reasons why people still use Windows is because they are used to 'the way things are.' If things change, then other options such as Apple's products may be considered by consumers. However, Microsoft still has a plan for this - its 'Live Initiative' - where it slowly integrates its own products into our lives. From Windows Live, an internet-based hub where users can access their email, storage, calendar etc, to Xbox Live, Microsoft's $70/£40 a year gaming service - currently the videogame industry's benchmark - for its Xbox and Xbox 360, to Office Live - an online space of Office and Website tools. Ultimately all these 'Lives' will be integrated together with each other - and thus the 'Apple Effect' (soon to be Microsoft Effect?) will be complete. Still, will this all be enough to challenge the iPod, Google or YouTVibe? There are certainly reasons to believe that it is possible. Microsoft is cornered on all sides, and it's toughest when cornered. It is hugely pushing for web apps as well as innovative hardware (although unlike Google and Yahoo, Microsoft seems keen to develop its own rather than gobbling up other companies) - and ultimately, Windows is still the most commonly used operating system in the world by far. However, as time goes by, the world of computing changes extremely quickly, and Microsoft is struggling to keep up, while Google, Yahoo and Apple's outmanoeuvring seems to continue. Ten years ago, people thought Microsoft would control the internet with MSN. Now Microsoft seems to be hanging on the edge. In 1995, Bill Gates foresaw the internet tidal wave and pushed his company to adapt. Today, Ray Ozzie is doing the same thlM, but this time, it's about survival.® FEATURES:5oczeiy ^eaverl 21 November 2006 19 An Immaculate Collection Features Editor Benjamin Biggs looks at the history of collecting According to a study published in the Evening Standard last week, one in three people in Britain exhibit "mild collecting tendencies" whilst one in seven Britons have "OCD related tendencies towards collecting." In other words collecting takes an unhealthy amount of their time. Collecting is something we have all had a passion for at some point in our lives. When we were small children we may have been interested in finding shells or marbles; then perhaps moved onto collecting comic books, dolls or toy cars. If collecting is common amongst humans it is even more common in the animal kingdom. In the mountains of Papua New Guinea, the male bowerbird collects flowers, moss, berries and man-made items, fashioning them into a bow to attract a mate. Collecting is "the process of actively, selectively and passionately acquiring, possessing and disposing of valued things, often removed from ordinary use and perceived as part of a set." Hunting for them excites the collector, and taking possession of the object of his desire can be a moment of pure passion. Don Juan, with his 1,003 conquests in Spain alone, was an archetypal collector. His hunting ground was half the human race, so he could never hope to complete the set. Most collectors pursue less ambitious goals, merely wanting to acquire every first edition by an author or every denomination of a stamp, and love putting the last piece into place. Some people think the urge to collect may be related to mankind's origin as a hunter-gatherer. Others have looked for Freudian explanations: compensation for a loveless childhood, or an attempt to impose order on a chaotic world. (Freud himself possessed over 4,000 antiquities, many of which look distinctly phallic.) Collecting has been around for a very long time. King Nebuchadnezzar II of Babylon kept statues from the period of the kings of Ur which at the time were already hundreds of years old. The Roman Empire developed a craze for antique statues, paintings and other objects from Greece, which were plundered and brought to the capital for sale to Roman collectors. For much of the Middle Ages, collecting in Europe was mainly done by the Church, which kept treasuries of artefacts made from gold, silver and gems. By the early Renaissance, princes and nobles in Italy became interested in collecting art and curiosities, and the habit rapidly spread northwards. From the late 16th century, the wealth and political stability of the Netherlands brought a passion for collecting among a middle class that had the money and opportunity to indulge it. Rembrandt kept over 2,000 weapons and pieces of armour, as well many paintings and prints, ethnographic specimens from Asia and the Americas and lots of other items. The 17th-century saw the famous craze develop surrounding tulips in the Netherlands. TUlips first arrived in Holland from Persia or Tlirkey in the middle of the 16th century. In 1623 a tulip collector, Nicolaas van Wassenaar, bought a single bulb of an exquisite red-and-white striped variety for a sum that at the time would have bought eight oxen. The collector's instinct had become mixed up with speculation, greed and fear. Like all bubbles, the mania subsided, leaving many a speculator ruined. But interest in the rare and exotic survived, soon to be fed by another craze: the grand tour. Well-to-do Europeans started travelling south, mostly to Italy, to visit the sites of classical civilisation and buy up antiquities and paintings to take home. Some of these acquisitions p f>l> A TAP • \ ^ \ • S m mi- t'oople who collect stamps arr. piiilateiists formed the core of great museums, such as the British Museum. A grand tour of another kind, Napoleon's military progress around Europe, yielded the first collection for the Louvre in Paris. By the 19th century, the collecting habit had started to pass from rulers and nobles to robber-barons such as Andrew Carnegie, John Pierpont Morgan and John D. Rockefeller. Nelson Rockefeller saw collecting as a duty saying "in my position I must collect. My mother did it, and my grandfather did it. It is an obligation." In Europe, magnates such as Heinrich Thyssen-Bornemisza, Sir William As many traditional items of desire, such as paintings, cars and furniture are reaching prices only plutocrats can afford many people are turning to new items to collect Burrell and the Rothschild family developed a similar sense of duty, and many such collections ended up in their own museums for all to enjoy. According to James Stourton at Sotheby's, who has met a great many collectors, those who attend auctions often share certain characteristics. They are very intelligent, predominantly male, typically Jewish, often childless, and sometimes gay. Most serious collectors are not motivated by money, but by a fascination with the objects themselves. Sometimes they go over the top, like Sir Thomas Phillipps (1792-1872), an Englishman who declared that he wanted a copy of every book in the world. He managed to acquire around 50,000 books and 60,000 manuscripts, but went bankrupt in his quest. A modern example of the passionate collector is Robert Opie, who as a teenager took an interest in consumer-goods packaging. This came cheap, because it was designed to be thrown away. He now has a collection of over half a million objects which he markets as an image bank and a repository of advertising history and nostalgia items. It has taken over his life, but perhaps this is not surprising. As many traditional items of desire, such as paintings, cars and furniture are reaching prices only plutocrats can afford many people are turning to new items to collect. Alistair McAlpine, a British collector, remembers how in 1964 he paid £2,000 for a painting by Mark Rothko which his friends thought was dreadful. This year another work by the same artist dating from 1964 was sold at Christie's for over $10m. Lord McAlpine, who has formed some 100 different collections in his time, subsequently moved on to rare chickens and now collects cyclads, a variety of tropical plant-. They have yet to appreciate in value the way the Rothko did, but he says he collects for love, not money. Another way to avoid disappointment is to collect something nobody else wants. A few decades ago Victorian art was unfashionable, but once enough people had discovered its charms, prices went up. Likewise, ethnographic art held no appeal for collectors in the 1920s when James Hooper started buying it, so although he had little money to spend, he was able to build up a splendid collection. Mass production has democratised collecting and brought it within reach of ordinary' people When the rest of the world caught up, starting in the late 1950s, it became very valuable. The best way for a collector to ensure he can find what he wants is to develop an interest in something machine-made. Mass production has democratised collecting and brought it within reach of ordinary people. Once something could be made in a workshop or factory—a print, a piece of china, a candlestick—the supply became much more elastic. Not too elastic, though, because even a mass-produced item can become rarer and more valuable if it has a flaw or a slightly different colour from the rest. And there is always the device of a limited edition. During a craze for Beanie Babies toys a few years ago, some versions were made only in small quantities, which persuaded people to queue up and pay high prices for these "rarities". The biggest change in the world of collecting in the past decade or so has been the arrival of the internet, though television has also boosted the habit. There is no end of websites that cater to collectors, offering information, specialist books and magazines, valuations, search engines for wanted items, auctions, framing, shipping and insurance services, and much else besides. The internet has made an enormous difference. Abbotts, an auction house in the east of England which holds fine-art sales every few months, used to publicise them by advertising in the papers, sending out catalogues and telephoning dealers. Now it puts its catalogues on the web, complete with photographs, and finds it gets inquiries from much farther afield. Auction results too are posted on the web, so it is easy to find the prices achieved around the world. This is useful for collectors, but not necessarily for dealers buying on behalf of clients, who find their trade secrets exposed. Andrew Patrick, who used to run the Fine Art Society in London's Bond Street, says many dealers prefer to buy privately to preserve their mystique. The same sort of transparency is available on eBay, the online auction house that in a mere ten years has almost 200m registered users and saw a turnover of $40 billion last year. eBay sells mundane things, from clothes to cars, but also has a large section of "collectables" that offers a wealth of more esoteric fare. Would-be buyers browsing the site can see a description of the item, a photograph and the highest bid offered so far, and if they trump it they may soon get their purchase through the post. It may lack the theatrical excitement of raising your hand at Christie's, but it is wonderfully efficient, as hordes of hoarders have found. H 6 Listings TUESDAY 8:30 CU Prayer meeting, Chaplaincy 11:00 LGBT Awareness Week Drop in session with adviser to male students Matthew Engelke D6 13:00 LGBT Awareness Week Public lecture: 'Human rights and homosexuality in Zimbabwe' with Matthew Engelke H201 14:00 Yoga Ashtanga Yoga, Badminton Court 15:00 CSSA Chinese Classes: B-class D106 Apologetics Science and God, Speaker: Dr Sharon Dirckx, a brain imaging research scientist S421 16:00 LGBT Awareness Week Public Lecture with Peter Tatchell, organised jointly by LSESU Labour, LSESU Greens and LSE LGBT, Location to be confirmed. 17:00 LGBT Awareness Week 'Know Your Rights Workshop' with NUS LGBT Officer, Claire Anderson H208 18:00 AlESEC Weekly meeting S421 18:15 Yoga Intermediate Ashtanga Yoga ' D002 19:00 Debate Weekly meeting D302 20:00 LGBT Awareness Week Bar crawl around Soho Meet outside. Peacock Theatre ' WEDNESDAY 8:30 CU Prayer meeting, Chaplaincy 11:00 LGBT Awareness Week Women only coffee morning with ULU L53 13:00 Catholic Mass Green party Weekly meeting Hindu Vedic lunch Anime & Manga Drawing class Accounting Homework help session Student Action for Refugees Weekly meeting Go Weekly meeting 14:00 Pakistan Weekly meeting Opera Weekly meeting Yoga Intemediate Hatha Yoga 15:00 Maths and Stats Homework help session Chaplaincy HI 04 D211 Z129 G107 A283 VI01 U203 . H104 D702 Z332 Weekly meeting K05 CSSA Chinese Classes - B-class VI03 16:00 Bridge Weekly meeting GJ07 CSSA Chinese Classes - I-class H206 17:00 LGBT Awareness Week GMFA Sex and Your Health Workshop. Followed by pre-film drinks D206 18.15 Politics Discussion forum / meeting H103 19.00 Swing Dance Improvers Classes G108 Classes cost £2.50/£3..50 (members/non-members) 20.00 AU night Mexican Mexico in Motion! Party Motion Bar, Victoria Embankment 20.30 LGBT Awareness Week Film Night: Short documentary on LSE LGBT, followed by Brokeback Mountain New Theatre THURSDAY 8:30 CU Prayer meeting, Chaplaincy 11:00 Australia and New Zealand Weekly meeting 13:00 SUUGM, Old Theatre 15:00 CSSA Chinese Classes - B-cIass 17:30 Yoga Hatha Yoga, Badminton Court People and planet We^ly meeting Sikh-Punjab H103 S78 Music class Dance Intermediate hip hop class S75 SU and OneVoice 'Israel and Palestine conflict: forget what you've been told', Old Theatre CU CU Central: 'Grace not Works' S50 Come along to CU Central meeting- LSE CU united on campus for dynamic praise and worship and practical teaching. Be prepared to meet many exciting and Eassionate people. Be prepared to have your eart ready ana challenged for God. ¦^sual Arts Life drawing class D206 18:30 LGBT Awareness Week 'LGBT careers in the workplace' panel with JPMorgan, PwC, McKinsey, Google, a leading law firm and Ben Summerskill from Stonewall, U8 19.00 Debate Workshop D302 19:30 LGBT Awareness Week Free champagne reception, Underground Bar 20.00 European Conference: 'An ever wider union? Effects and prospects of EU enlargement'. Hong Kong Theatre Speakers include TXirkish and Austrian ambassadors to the UK FRIDAY WWW.Isesu.com/whatson QUAD OFFICE HOURS 8:30 CU Prayer meeting, Chaplaincy 13:00 Yoga Intermediate Acrobatic Yoga D702 14:00 CSSA Chinese Classes - A-Class Y115 16:00 CSSA Chinese Classes - 0-class S221 17:00 LGBT Awareness Week GMFA Sexual Health Workshop D106 Hindu Gita Classes Dll 19.00 Dance Ballet Class S75 20:00 Malibu Soundclash Crush With exotic dancers, 4 new dj's, tonnes of games n give aways and a venue MONDAY 16:00 CSSA Chinese Classes - B - class 19:00 Swing Dance Beginner's Classes Classes cost £2.50/3.50 (members/non-members) SCO NEWS Want your own society webpage? Go to www.lsesu.com/register and speak to su.comms@lse.ac.uk for more info and advice. The LSE Arts advisory forum is hosting the 'LSE Perspectives' photography competition. E-mail lseperspectives@lse.ac.uk for more info. Book your end of term party in the Underground Bar or the Quad! E-mail su.ents@lse.ac.uk for more info. Any Society questions? Pop in to the Society's officer's office hour from 1-2 pm every Friday in the quad. Visit the SU shop for special bulk discounts for student societies when you buy at a least a dozen of the same product. Want to be included in these listings? Send your event details to su.societies@lse.ac.uk Friday evening at the latest. Jimmy Tam , General Secretary Ibursday, 2-3PM Joel Kenrick, Treasurer Ibursday, 2-3PM Alex Finnegan, LGBT Thursday, 2-3PM (in office of Alex Vincenti) E200 Alexandra Vincenti, Education and Welfare Thursday, 2-3PM All Dewji, Communications Friday, 2-3PM Arthur Krebbers, Societies Friday, 1-2PM Aled Fisher, Environment and Ethics Monday, 1-2PM Fadhil Bakeer Maribir, International Students Tuesday, 1-2PM Emma Hal^en, Students with Disabilities Tuesday 1-2PM Shanela Ha que, Anti-Racism Friday, 10AM-12PM James Caspell, Postgraduate Officer Diursday, 3-4PM Zoe Sullivan, Womens Thursday 10-11 in D703 Louise Robinson, Residences Hursday, 2-3PM Anushka Shenoy, General Course Tuesday l-2pm Sid Kamath, Ebcecutive Editor The Beaver Tuesday, 3-4PM in E204 ROUS Journaiism and Society '¦( 'V -¦¦ii ¦4 1" Are you a student looking for real world media work experience? Then POLIS is looking for you. POLIS is currently recruiting interns to work on a variety of projects: media and development, the state of the US media, the UK media in a post-Blair era, and the future of news, including 'property and profit' and 'citizen journalism'. We also welcome new ideas for projects. POLIS is the new forum for research and debate in to journalism and society at the LSE and the London College of Communication. Check out our website at www.lse.ac.uk/polis. If you would like to get involved please email your CV and an indication of your interests to Laura Kyrke-Smith at polis@lse.ac.uk. _____don't have to be a brain surgeon to open minds. Whatever career you discover, with the NHS you'll benefit from the knowledge that you're playing a vital part in making people's lives better. But the benefits don't rest there. Designed to produce our leaders of the future, our nationally acclaimed Graduate Management Training Scheme with specialist threads in Financial Management, General Management and Human Resources Management ensures you reach the heights you've always aspired to. With specialist training at its heart, our offering is second to none, and will see you attain a postgraduate or professional qualification in Human Resources, Fihance or General Management. Bring your leadership to life. Visit our website. www.bringlngleadershiptollfe.nhs.uk pppsepiiispipp ¦ i ¦ 'i . ¦ . * Come and visit us Centre ^¦1 K i.Want an iPod? 2. Are you: LSE Student LSE Teacher LSE Staff Gener al Coui'sc B 1st year ¦ 2nd year ¦ lird year iBeaver survey [.L :(i^ mB liiMD {TTOSi{i.Ml€l':FT:(Q.i^ l.'i. Rate the Sports section of the Beuver: Vt'iy Snniewhal A\-erage Not really Not at all N/A Intci-esting ¦ ¦ ¦ ¦ ¦ Fun ¦ ¦ ¦ ¦ ¦ ¦ Informative ¦ ¦ ¦ ¦ ¦ ¦ Overall: good?® ¦ ¦ ¦ ¦ ¦ 14, Did you hear about the PoUy Courtney book signing event? YesBNoH Other (please specify) ¦ Postgrad ¦ 3. How often do you read the Beaver? Every week ¦ 2-3 times a month ¦ Once a month ¦ Less than once a month / Never B 4. Why don't you read the Beaver even' week? Cannot find it ever\' week g Only lake it if front page is interesting ¦ Not interested in the Beaver enough ¦ Do not agree with the articles or views ¦ Other specify) m||||||m||m|||||||H 5. When do you genei'ally pick up the Beaver? Please tick all answers that apply. Tuesday n Wednesday ¦ Thursday ¦ Friday ¦ Weekend ¦ (i. Where do you pick up youi' copy of the Beaver from? Please tick all answers that apply. Outside Quad g Outside Old Building ¦ l..ibrai-y ¦ Brunch Bow) ¦ Shaw Library " LSE Halls of Kesidence ¦ Pick up someone else's ¦ 7. Where else would you prefer finding the Beaver? The cun ent locaiions are fine g Peacock Theatre ¦ Clement's House/ D Building ¦ Inside Quad ¦ Inside'Ains ¦ Common liooms ¦ Other (please specify) ¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦¦ fi. Rate the Bea\ er in terms of: Very S S Interesting ¦ ¦ Fim ¦ ¦ Informative ¦ ¦ Useful ¦ ¦ Object ive ¦ ¦ Controversial ® ¦ Overall: gocid? ' " 9. Which sections do yi ei News Features Part B Spoils Auntie Shaw / Puzzles I read them all , 1 don't read any i 10. Kate the News sect o Veiy & Interesting ¦ ¦ Objective ¦ ¦ Iriformative ' ' Overall: good? • ' 15. Did you attend this event? Not reallv Not at all N/A 'iesBNoB If). If yes, did you enjoy it? Yes, a lot ¦ Yes, somewhat ¦ It was average ¦ Not really ¦ Not at all ¦ .jc| all that apply. did not attend this event, why not? • i Not interested ff I Did not hear about it ¦ j Was not free at lime of the event ¦ ; 18. Did you get an Accenture/The Beaver bag at the beginning of the : year? YesBNoB Koi reallv Not at all N/A 19. If yes, do you still uselhQ bag? ¦ ¦ ¦ ¦ YesBNoB -. ,S 1 ]. Kate the Features i oipS'"the Beaver Veiy sB'uf^l Average Not re:dly Not at all N/A (please specify) 20. If you did not gel an Acit'nture/The Beaver bag, why not? Did not see them B ! Did not want one B They were all gone B Interesting B Analytical ¦ ¦ Informative " " Overall: good? " * )2. Rate the Part B sei^B'i of the Beaver: 2]. Did you gel a Fresher'.s'Guide? YesBNoB / 22. If yes, please rank it: ¦\^iy Somewhat A\'erage Not really Not at all Interesting Fun Informative Ovej'all: good? ?hat Average Not really Not at all N/A Interesting Fun Informative Included all I want Published eai ly Overall: good? Tell US what you think about us 20"'-24*^ November 20'^''-24'^ November MONDAY 1600-'700 Room D6 j Drop-tn Adviser to Femaio Srudersts Dr, Dsphr-i: n i 1930-0]00 Unccground Bar } UL'j IGBT special Cowboys and Indians' part/ '£2 c-ntr/, r;vc-'vhody- i wet'ome} . . . . i I M ',W / ; \ j 1 (!)(; i .'00 Kuusri ' !•: j lip-jri Se'SSiOn V/llj; Advt!;!;! iij f'KMO ViiitihMii , ! ii "'ioti iiuv*; - I ¦ ¦ , ¦ j 1 ;i)l) MOl; Hooiii ; 111;! } "i-iunviii Riqnis ant; t / in '''rnh.tu v: ' j ¦ pLliiHt ijitXOrt: i>y iJr I'EuiMn. v/ j iHOO ROfHO : 'Know Yuiir VVOikShOf^ V/iui I-MK. l-..iU r 0?fK>!C ; I y'Oflfi !)i (V/.'ii (!C i'lifta lis V li' : -iK; I WEDNESDAY sv., rr.:-i 100-1200 Room L53 vVon-,en's only coffee rnorning vvith UUJ - . 1700-1900 Room D2D6 '-¦ GMr.A Ms-e Sex and You workshop. Foitov^'ec pre-f;'rr. dr-r:-'9 ONEll-VOICE 200G onwards New Theatre Fsim Night; B.'-okeback f-lountain !.' Mi! !ii tho Workpiai.!: • f-r /..iH-'-; v/ji ;: I!'i'i'.T t;. 1 OPEN YOUR EARS TO WHAT THE ISRAELI & PALESTINIAN PEOPLE ACTUALLY WANT Oome wdl iistm to the on tim groimd and a p/a« for change from iB&Mng isr^i and f^^titmn You^h Acti\fi^s QsMSm^Smliamy!m^MC£^ndh4oran6xM mth an ifnroductt&i from PrafMsor Frwi tHitiftkiy Thursday, 23"* November, 6pm Old Theatre Sponsored by Howard Oavjes and (h© Students' Union FRIDAY rai" .'^Or 22 IBeaverl 21 November 2006 SPORTS Team mates This week Rob Lowe names and shames the Footie 2nds Hard-man: John Verdon. Any argument on the pitch and he's right there! JV's got your back! Any man that gets past him on the wing can also expect a crunching tackle from behind. Surprised he hasn't been booked for that yet... Teammate you would least like to be: Probably Bailer, not only cursed with being short, but also ginger! Someone up above is having a right bubble at his expense. Most likely to be a raging gay: Gabs Butu, I suggest him only because of all the gay clubs he's been going to recently... there's no smoke without fire mate! Also because proclaiming yourself as an AU legend to girls you're chatting up, having been at university for little over a month, is pretty homosexual. Lady Killer; Half the team seem to have girls dripping off them, with the exception of the captain. Ace, Simbah, MJ, Smallwood, Gabs... spread the love guys. Who's the longest in the shower: That would have to be gorgeous George. Strangest sex stories: Aged 17 one of the lads shagged a sixty year old, to prove that he wasn't gay to her. I feel slightly ill thinking about it. Cock of the week Step forward Andy 'Birdman' Burton. No justification is needed to explain why Andy is this week's cock of the week. Indeed, Andy could win cock of the week every week (as a number of you have mentioned in your e-mails to the editor). However, Andy plummeted to yet another record low on Wednesday when he chose to spit all over his housemate and 6th team player Matt 'Brummie' Davenport. Not content with drenching his friend with his own salivary Reef coloured drool, however, Andy made the unwise decision of going back to the bar in order to ruin everyone's night and further embarrass himself by emptying his drinks on any women, disabled people and Muslims he could find. What a cock! Women's Rugby Double Whammy I I Ivy I "Minnesota I Nice" I LeToumeau LSE ladies King's Medics Berrylands 15 5 LSE ladies Imperial Berrylands 15 5 As a rookie and a native of a land where pansy-ass "men in tights" sports like baseball and American football reign supreme and "Rugby" is merely a tiny town in a state no one's even heard of, I am perhaps not the best qualified member of the women's squad to be vsrrit-ing a report on our recent Berrylands shaming of Imperial (I think I'm writing this as a fine for drunken belligerence at team dinner; wankered after 20 minutes). But I know enough to say this much: Wednesday's win was only the latest instalment in a series of sleek, sexy, ever-improving matches from a team that doesn't just LOOK good, but IS good. Still riding the momentum of our 15-5 victory over King's Medics during Week 5, we were off to a strong start when Yvette "I run circles around fatties" Chee scored our first try within five minutes, assisted by a string of neat passes by the attacking line. Imperial became intimately acquainted with their end of the pitch. rarely driving us more than ten metres from our try-line for the first half. The offensive advantage was an empowering environment for new recruit Sophie to get her first taste of real contact, and this netball double agent's brash, fearless sprints gained valuable ground and hint at a promising future with the team. Experienced newcomer Sarah proved equally invaluable both at kick-offs and bolstering up the scrum, and her brutally inescapable tackling inspired visible fear in every Imperial ball carrier. Our women continued to prove that LSE ladies CAN do it all, balancing academics and sport with the hard work of being sexy. Fellow Yank rookie Heather took an afternoon off from the demands of an MSc program to spend a couple hours boosting our mauling power and throwing shoulders into the gut of any Imperial woman who had the audacity to tackle her. Megan hauled her ass to Berrylands after her noon class and the team breathed a collective sigh of relief as she bounded towards the pitch just minutes before kickoff. Besides scoring our slick second try, Laura continued to be the team's equivalent of a conscience. She's that little voice in the back of your head (or behind it, really) telling you the right thing to do, and she can spot a penalty a mile away, often giving orders for "Back! Back ten!" before the ref even flaps his arms. Pint sized terror Hannah darted around lumbering Imperial defenders for our third try, discrediting the notion (apparently embraced by our opponents) that one has to be a hulking beast of a woman in order to be a good rugby player. Fearless Rachel Warner, my partner in second-row crime, repeatedly demonstrated her own driving finesse, nimbly skirting multiple defenders, and dragging would-be tack-lers several metres before succumbing. Rachel "Disney" Allchurch was ever-versatile, improving every situation whether it was a lineout, scrum, maul, or a lucky offensive breakaway. Imperial's five points came on a try that was as sad, lonely, and isolated as most of their thunder-thighed, dog-faced players will be for the rest of their lives. Just after the half-time goal switch, they made a dirty and desperate dash across the try line as LSE was momentarily stunned by the visual horror of our men's thirds' kit. Coach-slash-centre Jennie expertly rallied and refocused us, stopping that freak accident of a try from becoming an Imperial second-half comeback. Not letting Imperial's shit try or shady lineout tactics discourage us, we were determined to again confine them to their end of the pitch. Our success in this venture hinged on quick, sound thinking and smart passing, and Wildcat wonder Komal definitely delivered, keeping herself strategically situated to make quick breaks when the ball came out of rucks and mauls. A defensive highlight of the second half was fullback Christina's head-on flying tackle of a breakaway ball carrier, reinforcing the comforting belief that aU is not lost just because the opponent has snuck behind our main defending line. As Imperial's situation became more perilous with time running out, they became more ruthless. With no 2nds team to nick substitutes from, we had to carry on through all but the worst injuries. In true hooker form, Kimmy kept coming back for more no matter how abused she was, valiantly embodying Yvette's now-famous admonition: "Get over it." She hooked back beautifully to even deny them of their own put-in dans la scrum on one occasion. Despite a lingering busted hand from the King's game, and facing a dirty-tricking beast of an Imperial tighthead, Josie represented LSE admirably in the front row and in the breakdowns. The victory was sealed as we dashed Imperial hopes for a last-minute score from close-range scrums and penalties. Joined by Naz after a bad hit took Jen out of the game, forwards and backs alike joined to form an impenetrable try-line defence. LSE repeatedly repelled Imperial's attempts to batter through with a gigantic tank-assed woman, proving that obesity and the laws of physics are no match for a fit team that cooperates and communicates. Well done, ladies! Punter Matthew JCG Partridge The Beaver would like to sincerely apologise for and retract the comments made in last week's "Slag of the week" column. The ending of the mid term elections are traditionally the starting gun for the Presidential elections. With this in mind, and given that I am writing this from the boyhood home of Harry Truman, I am going to begin a nmdown of the market prices on the various candidates for the Republican and Democratic nominations in 2008, starting this week with the Democratic candidates. There should be no surprise that the favourite is Hillary Clinton. With strong name recognition and a huge war chest, this is justified. However, the price at which she is quoted on Tradesports (55-56) is too high as her divi-siveness, and the fact that her attempt to reposition herself as a centrist candidate has both annoyed the left and failed to convince those on the centre, makes her nomination far from certain. A1 Gore is also overpriced at (10-11) since his single issue focus on the environment has fallen from the agenda. It is also extremely uncer- tain whether he will actually run. Both of these candidates present short selling opportunities if you are prepared to tie your money up for over eighteen months. There are few opportunities either way with Barak Obama since he is fairly priced at (15-16) with his inexperience and left-wing positions on foreign policy being balanced by his image as a fresh face and a solid political base, which will be very useful if the field is crowded. Similarly, Kerry's political career was mortally wounded by his joke about Iraq but the fact that he has a large amount of cam- Fanny paign funds left over from 2004 makes him a reasonably priced long shot at (1-2). My hunch is that the quintet of Bill Richardson (2-3), Evan Bayh (2-3), Ken Salazar (not quoted yet) andTomVilsack (1-2) could set the contest for the Democratic nomination alight. They are all centrist Democrats from swing states who do not have the baggage of the frontrunners. Use any advice given here at your own risk and don't gamble what you cannot afford to lose. Columnist(s) may have positions in wagers mentioned. Prices quoted are correct at time of going to press. The Fanny Report Hello there my lovelies! Haven't we been quiet? This week it was fireworks for Berrylands, but was it fireworks for any AU members? Nathan Alone was obviously hoping for some when he face-raped a girl on the dance floor after some smooth moves, yet the girl had other ideas and left him hanging. Unsure of what to do next, Nathan proceeded to look very confused and embarrassed and attempted to cover the awkwardness with a crack at the lone-tango. Maybe Lippy Slyer should have helped him out since she was caught busting some moves on the dance floor at Berrylands, alone. Everyone's favourite Toy-Boy seems to be taking his recent split well by using the age-old technique of a major slaggish rebound-pound, after being spotted playing tonsil sumo-wrestling with Netball "discontinued" 7th's Pecca Stiff. After being liquidised, Netball 7ths have shown they are still very active members of the AU; most are dedicated players of the soon-to-be-Olympic sport known as "The Field". Angel Puke is a prime example; using an attacking move on weekly Slasha, repeatedly, to win the coveted prize of free drinks from Walkabout. Handy Birdman was understandably disappointed that he didn't have a mention in last week's Fanny column and so decided to draw attention to himself by being, well, a cock. An opportunity arose in a dentist's chair challenge in which he whole-heartedly emitted two entire Reef's in Twat "going home for a Pot Noodle" Havemcort's face. This began a drinks duel between the two where both parties took advantage of their Swot card discount when buying drinks simply to offload onto each other. Sacrilege. Congratulations go out to new couple Dont Holdthis and Cloudier Than Whitby, who are about to embark on a beautiful journey, ready to be scrutinised by all. Commiserations however to Sid De Mouth and Hazelnut who are currently in therapy after Sid's crush at Crush, on Sam Jones. Joining them in therapy should be anyone who may have been blinded by Kath With NoNicksOn's nipples, or anyone unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity of Deliver high on poppers. More congratulations go out to Dick Gulp who this week announced his membership to the LGBT society. Dick soon decided to swing back the other way after being the object of controversy as the only gay in the AU, and proceeded to reaffirm his straight-ness by taking home Mary Fakum and her acquaintance for a bit of tri-person housework. Keep it up guys. Mwah XXX SPORTS leaver 121 November 2006 |23 Women's Hockey Holloway convicts can't escape Louise and Ju LSE Women's Hockey 2 Eoyal Holloway 0 Battersea Cough, cough; Juicy Ju is out of the game... and that was just the beginning of our injury list for our fourth BUSA game of the season. Having won the other three, we weren't about to crumple in the face of week six essays, bank interviews and hospitalisation! We scraped together twelve fearful souls (Gabba) and set off for our fortress in Battersea. Warm-up consisted of chats on the sideline, while the opposition walked through their lunges and skips, sporting a rather attractive kit that only LoUy could be jealous of. In the pre-match team talk Betty's eyes grew wide as she found out she was sweeping (but not the Hong Kong streets this time) but the likes of MC and debutante Azra aka Razzle (don't you just love that?) stepped up to show us what they were truly made of. JJ blew the whistle and what had shown to be a shaky start soon saw us pulling ourselves together and making moves that only your Under-thirteen school coach could dream of. We passed around the pitch like we had all the time in the world, but still Gabba could not seal the deal for us. The frustration mounted slightly but our team qualities shone through when suddenly, from the sideline, a Todd shouts 'Talk to each other girls, we all know each other's names!'This coming as somewhat of a surprise, the team began to finally communicate like we do on the old minibus when nobody's watching. The chat and nonchalant passing around the stunned opposition built up to its climax as Kimmy slotted in our long awaited goal. Uno a nada. A bronchitis-infested Ju whistles like crazy and that marked a turning point as we strode on to the pitch for the second half, cool as cats. Lolly holds the fort at the back but makes a few bold surges forward, backed by Emily past the defending half (what is this?!) Razzle was ever present in the middle of the park as she and Pheely worked up a 'one-two' storm down the right. We still needed another goal... it was time to bring on the Todd, our secret WMD. Not that she scored, but she brought with her a renewed wave of confidence, going bravely into the tackles. With a valiant MC, Tbmips, Toddy, Jadeth and Zoe making our defence impene- trable, our attack became unrelenting. Razzle somehow managed to steal some space in their crowded 'D', where they lined up their entire 1st XI in front of the goal, and got a snap strike away. Clean as a whistle, as a nut even: dos a nada. Not much was left to do at this point except to attempt a clean sheet, which the defence did oh so well with some clearances coming from the gut and some hustle and bustle between Jadeth and her rather pushy opponent, she shouts "Stop pushing me, Dick!", (not bitch notice.) We wrapped up the game and all came off the pitch smiling, so content with our 5th win in a row that we even invited Royal Holloway back to teas, knowing how difficult it is to scramble some grub in Egham. Oh well, more for us as they wallow on home... Nobody even doubted teas followed by a rather large curry, it was a match made in heaven. Well in Kimmy, for bagging herself 'man' of the match for her unquestionable poise. And now, we go on to organize a mighty away squad for the minibus journey of the season: Portsmouth, or Pompey as Meeny Meenal would call them. Good times to be had for all the family. (Note; the mighty Stilyian Petrov, of the mightier Aston Villa, said a team must be like a family, and we are just that.) Football Mozza's men march on Nathan Muruganandan and Rich Morrow Sublime Otlis 3 KCL 2 Berrylands The times-they-are-a-changing! The Sublime 6ths are usually poor starters, not a single recorded victory until mid-Nov but this year we have now won four of the seven with the wins coming in the past five matches.Yes the rumours are true, we are the in-form LSE team! Football is not a game for the faint-heart-ed or for big-mouth forwards to be beaten by substitute goalkeepers in free kick contests! Drela nonchalantly placed the ball past Eduardo into the top comer to win two pints, much to the bemusement of this author. It has definitely been a topsy-turvy season; to be in 5th position with a goal difference of -26 after only five matches. Despite this alarming lack of consistency, Capt Morrow still claimed the team was in with a chance of promotion; a declaration some may put on a par with Wenger and Ferguson sharing a bottle or two of vintage port while discussing the merits of pretty wives at home! Nonetheless, the opposition were old rivals Kang's, and the 6ths continued the LSE-trend of plaguing their polytechnic! Abandoning the 4-5-1 for 4-4-2 illustrated a desire to get back to grassroots tactics. The match started at a frenzied pace, with chances being created aplenty. The breakthrough came after fifteen minutes as neat interplay between Erlend and Ollie released Toby "road-runner" Irving to claim his second of the season. However, as only the 6ths can do best, they sought to make life hard for themselves. A needless free-kick saw King's level before half-time as the finishing touch eluded the 6ths. This was somewhat harsh on keeper Eduardo who had been a virtual spectator for the best part of the encounter. The second period started badly as King's second shot on goal of the entire match ended up in the top-comer. Alarmingly, after dominating the entire match, the 6ths were staring defeat firmly in the face, and smelling its garlic-laced breath! But behold, the game was taken by the scruff of the neck with cock-of-the-week contender Brummie winning everything in the air and marauding full-back Ed Frew providing impetus down the left-hand side. Suddenly, the ever opportunist Ollie drove forward and unleashed a sizzling shot into the roof of the net from outside the box. Constant pressure was duly inflicted upon KCL defence as the search for the winner proved elusive. With twenty minutes remaining, super-sub Robyn Sargeant strode into the penalty area and after shaking off the attentions of his marker placed a shot across the rather rotund goal-keeper which made its way (eventually) into the bottom comer. The 6ths continued to dominate and were unfortunate not to ejrtend the lead. With team-dinner traditions being kept, Berlin becomes the Sublime 6th's port of call come the end of the term; red-light district debaucheries and "Ich bin ein Berliner" faux pas await! Netball 3rds draw Pompey v^ores Mad Dog Ang LSE Netball 3rds 30 Pompey Perma-taus 30 Pompey The Portsmouth Perma-tans. What a fucking joke. Don't get me wrong; on court, I am the most sporting captain ever, but it has to be said, Portsmouth are actually ridiculous. I will try to elaborate... At 1pm on match day, I received a call from the ringleader, demanding to know where my team was and why couldn't we start the match? I simply and calmly told her that it was too fucking early for a 4PM SCHEDULED START! Twaaatt. When us 3rds arrived at Berrylands courts, we were blinded by some yeUow neon flashing lights which had appeared out of nowhere. Car headlights, court floodlights, some kind of atomic explosion? No, if only! It was, in fact, the glare from the perma-tanned, bleached-blonde, skirts-up-arses, Grant Mitchell look-alikes, those Portsmouth skanks. The word 'rat' could not have been more appropriate. With our eyes still burning from the glare, it appeared that their skirts were so far up their arses that rolls of cellulite Men's Hockey bulged out of their knickers, and on some supposed 'girls', these seemed particularly large. Finally the match began, but the temporary blindness and near-vomiting had evidently affected those 3rd team Freshers who had not been hardened by the Barrel and the Perma-tans went into the lead despite some honestly shitty play by both them and us in the 1st quarter. However, early in the 2nd quarter, 3rd team Goal Attack Rose Donovan had a plan; shouting to Shooter Laura Khong to "Spread your legs!" in the shooting circle, Laura replied excitedly, "Ok! I can do that really well!" After that, many goals were scored. By the end of the 1st half we were only down 19-22, with the whole match to play for. With so much testosterone in their veins, the Perma-tans were getting increasingly pissed off at 3rds team's Emma 'Say No More's constant interceptions in the shooting circle, and Jess's constant retrieval of their missed shots. Their bulky frames, it seemed, could not travel as swiftly through the air. It seemed to drive their Captain Trunchbull completely psycho, as every few seconds she screamed and swore at her team, then proceeded to pet them and call them "Babe"... Cuckoo! The Skanks' constant shouts of "Come on Pompey!" were seriously fucking off the whole 3rd team (I mean - who are you?) Social Sec Jen Barking-Mad showed a not-so-sociable side as she and the Trunch had their own private catfight and the 3rds shouting oncourt became deafening. It became clear that I (the original Mad Dog) had been training them in the Art of Aggression. Oh yes. Goals were coming one apiece for each team and nothing seemed to deter either side. Even Barking-Mad's comedy shutdowns such as "CeUulite eat your heart out!" could not raise our game enough to prevent their Miss Perma-tan 2006 scoring a couple of goals. When the final whistle blew, the score was heart-wrenchingly close at 30-30. After playing our Mad Dog hearts out, we didn't know whether to be happy or sad. Thank God for our Keeper Jess Cartwright who pointed out that Chav Crush was just around the corner and "Now at least we've got some ideas for costumes!" Personally I have never been so proud of my 3rd team girls for an astounding performance in which we all helped each other to improve, some serious aggression, and most of all team spirit in the face of our opponents (who incidentally haven't lost a game all season). Well done girlies, it's definitely our tum-ing point of the season. Game on for the, away match; as our ¦ much missed Mad Dog Emma' Coker-Cola once said, "We'll kill the bitches!" Der Hammer time i Dan the Businessman LSE 1st XI 4 Qiieeu Mary l.st XI 2 Battersea What was initially supposed to be a straight-forward victory for the men's Ists descended into a veritable battle of attrition at Battersea Park. Having conceded a sloppy goal right at the beginning, the team struggled to find rhythm and convert chances for much of the first half. An awe-inspiring team talk given by skipper Kieran at the break spurned the comeback as Jakob "Der Hammer" scored our equaliser at the start of the second half. Mary's came back at us strongly and eventually forced a penalty flick which was converted despite a heroic attempt by keeper, Hemal. Things were beginning to look very bleak with ten minutes on the clock and no substitutes on the bench. However, either through sheer testicular girth, or wanting to impress the MILFs randomly watching us from the touch-line, the team rallied and equalised with a beautifully constructed goal instigated by Evan and executed with typical German precision by Jakob. At 2-2 with five minutes on the clock, Furzey's pre-match promise of a goal was fulfilled with cheeky deflection from a short comer. The MILFs were treated to a show of Julius Agahowan proportions as he celebrated his first ever goal for the club. Mary's then started to crumble and allowed Jakob to complete his well-deserved hat-trick. Rob Moore heroically repelled the Queen Mary's feeble attacking line much in the same way as he does the women's hockey team. Man of the match deservedly went to Jakob "Der Hammer" and dick of the day went to Rob Morris for volunteering to be Furzey's dance partner at the bus stop; all were left asking, "Where on earth did he leam to do the tango?" Punter Place your bets on the Presidential elections JCG Partridge Post mortem King's Medics are rucked over by women s rugby ^ Ivy LeToumeau Sublime 6ths score Without the aid of rohypnol Rich Morrow and Nathan Muruganandan sports Ultimately, they didn't win m Dan Pasternak I,SE Eqitilibriiim King's College South London On Sunday, November 12th, Ultimate Frisbee's Team Equilibrium travelled to the far reaches of South London for our first Winter League tournament. A sizeable LSE squad turned up at 8:30, eager like hot sweaty Beavers to apply all our accumulated skill against a team other than UCL. A seemingly lucky draw had us facing King's College first at 9:30. King's is traditionally to Ultimate as King's is to most disciplines of the brain or body, so we collectively assumed an easy victory. How exactly the final score was 8-3 in their favour still remains something of a mystery. With the comparative intellectual wattage of the KCL women's rugby team and the facial asymmetry to sug- gest ancestral indecency, we next encountered a squad whose peculiar existence was a form of nostalgia for those of us familiar with the Gorg's (yeah, that's a Fraggle Rock reference, just appreciate it). These truly hideous creatures showed little decency or discretion given our unstable condition following such a humiliating defeat earlier, and proceeded to punch-fuck us 9-2. If the large Australian fellow on the team happens to read this: We get it. You have a really big penis. It is probably very nice. Stop being an asshole. Praise the lord sweet baby Jesus for redemption. Our next match was against the Tamer's, a club comprised mostly of local intellectuals, featuring a woman in an LSE tracksuit who is allegedly a professor here. Let's hope Mamabear's remaining tenure at the school is not compromised by the hit that left her flat on her ass. It was unintentional, but to be fair, if you show up to a game against us dressed like that, it kinda looks like you want it. Inspired by our colleague's temerity, we proceeded to score an impressive twelve points to their eight, which means... we won? Oh karma, you cruel bitch.' Why did we have to be humiliated by losing our next and final match to the University of Chichester? I will commend the male members of team Chichester on their surprisingly exceptional hygiene. The women on the team however had the distinct odour of stale semen mixed with rotting potatoes. I wasn't the only player on Equilibrium whose fleshy interest was suddenly piqued by such an olfactory affront. Running upright with an erection in one's shorts is not easy, regardless of how small it is, and thus both our points are admirable. Also, they were good, and they scored twelve. Not the success we had hoped for, but not a complete wash-out either, for all team members learned something from this expedition. For some it was humility, for others it was patience, and for Darkness it was how to properly tickle a man's junk. We shall further refine our efforts at practice and will return on December 10th for Winter League II.., hopefully with a better story. Wombles uimecessaiy as LSE clean up in Wimbledon Andy Hardman 1.S.E Men 3rd LSE Women 4th Wimbledon Conunon Last Wednesday afternoon saw the biggest contingent of LSE runners since time began descend w, on Wimbledon Common for the 3rd race of the season. In all, 16 of the most gorgeous runners in the league gathered at the start in perfect running conditions. The long course of fast downhill sections and long climbs promised this would be among the most debilitating races in the calendar. Running through the forest in the fading light combined with Kings' piss poor course markers (they used carrier bags, sticks, grass clippings, small kids, stray dogs etc) meant that getting lost en route was a distinct possibility. Experienced members of the team instilled a high level of confidence in the rest of us by sharing stories of previous years cock ups involving runners disappearing into the forest to return sometime after everyone else had finished. Kings' crapness was firmly established post race when it was revealed that four of the five top runners took a wrong turn on the first lap and failed to finish the race, not that we were complaining. Hopes were immediately dashed with the conspicuous absence of "the girl with the hot ass" that had spurred on those at the back in previous races. Lacking such a crucial motivational tool the LSE seconds had to resort to each other for support and enjoyed a formation first lap moving through the field in a textbook diamond that Sven Goran Eriksson would have been proud of. In a similar fashion to the ex-England boss the system was found to be crap, once the hill at the end of the lap had left everyone knackered. Second time around, the surprise hurdle of the fallen tree was taken with all the grace and elegance of an arthritic pensioner, as everyone's legs decided they'd prefer not to bother anymore. Despite this, the results suggested there may in fact be some underlying talent nestling beneath the outer hot-ness. The captain led from the front (well, 10th actually) with Michael Lui and Sam Trowbridge producing impressive performances to finish in 14th and 15th. Matt Rushworth was the fourth LSE vest over the line finishing in 18th but, owing to the fact he's actually at SOAS he didn't score any points. LSE racing debutant Nathan Converse (like the trainers) left us wondering why we hadn't forced him to race before, finishing in 22nd. An inspirational performance by the LSE firsts was rounded off by Lawrence Leong rolling home in 36th and Tome Sandevski a couple of minutes behind in 47th. Overall LSE firsts finished 3rd behind the future Olympians of St Mary's and a strong UCL team. The start of the LSE second team came with Charlie Dougherty in 51st. Andy Hardman was cruelly shafted by Tim Windle in the last twenty metres, after Andy failed to spot the finish and ran the wrong way (pillock). They finished 52nd and 53rd with Greg Opie following shortly after, a tenth of a second behind his increasingly well protected nipples. James May completed a sound run for the men's team by finishing 63rd, although his glow in the dark Millwall FC shorts signaled his impending arrival half a mile before he eventually turned up. The LSE second team finished 8th, top of the pile for second teams and beating the Kings first team by a massive margin. (This is in no way due to Kings only fielding half a team and is entirely down to LSE's superior skills). In the women's race, team captain Helen Sharp looked up at all the other girls on the start line before giving most of them a bloody good hiding, finishing in 11th, followed closely by Caterina Scaramelli in 15th. A good run by Sarah Horn finished off the first women's team who finished 4th overall and the second from the ULU teams, losing out to Kings by a few points. Paula Svaton finished 25th as the solo runner for the LSE second team, but still managed to be the third 'B' team across the line. The post race social was held in theTUns with LSE conclusively proving that they are better looking, more sociable, better dancers and bigger drinkers than everyone else in the league. In a rather rash move some misguided UCL punk challenged LSE to a drinking competition, look out for news of their destruction in the future. It's a smug LSE team then, that moves on to Hackney Marshes in a fortnights time where LSE will prevail as a running deity in the ULU championship. Be sure to check out the much anticipated karaoke version of "We are the champions" as we bask in supreme gloiy. Probably. "I'd much rather kill a person than an animal" Tanya Rajapakse