The Beaver
The Newspaper of the LSE SU
First Published 5 iViay 1949
18th March 2003
Issue number 579
Nolan's Fringe Reaches the Final Frontier in B:art.
LSE's finest dissect the coming war in B:Middle East
Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind in B:art
LSE Prepares For Anti-War Climax
Michael Bourke & Mark Power
With war imminent the LSE is once again at the centre of student opposition to the coming attack , on Iraq. The Stop The War Coalition is organising walk outs and protests for the day after the bombing begins.
Since the Air War will almost certainly start late at night, students are planning to rally on Houghton Street at 10 am the following day. STWC activists are urging students to walk out of lectures and ran a stall on Houghton Street all of last week to get their message across. Their actions have been endorsed by the national STWC. At a meeting of its "Peoples' Parliament", which met Wednesday 12th March in London, it resolved to escalate protests against war. It urged school, college and university students to strike and occupy tomorrow in opposition to the war.
Tension has been mounting steadily over the last week as it became clear that the final phases of diplomacy were being entered. Sunday's "Azores Ultimatum" from President Bush all but eliminated any residual hopes that conflict might be avoided.
The LSE STWC organised protest for the morning war breaks out is to be the focal point for Anti-War protest among students in London. The invitation is for all London .Students to assemble in Houghton Street at 4.30pm and March down to Parliament to protest the outbreak of war. The organisers' email caUs upon students to stop Blair from "getting away with it." With deeply politicised cam-
puses like SOAS nearby hundreds of demonstrators are expected to respond to the rallying cry.
The coalition has also called upon the Staff Against War group of LSE lecturers and support staff to assemble in Houghton Street at 12.30p.m. on the day of the outbreak of war. Students have been asked to encourage staff to attend. The LSE STWC has also set up a petition on the Universities Against War website. The petition has enlisted the support of more than 100 LSE staff, from a total of 400 full-time academic staff in the three days since its creation
To finalise all of the details for what promises to be a frantic week at LSE, the STWC called an emergency meeting yesterday.
Leading LSE STWC activist Tansy Hoskins told the Beaver "I would encourage people to think about people like them in Iraq at the moment. Imagine facing the bombing, seeing your home, family and university blown up. Quite literally seeing the total destruction of your world."
Hoskins went on to defend the STWC from suggestions that the advent of war is evidence of the failure of the Coalition. She said "It took 5 or 6 years for opposition to the Vietnam War to bear fruit. What the war shows is the power of what we're up against."
In this vein, Hoskins was keen to stress that the anti-war movement would continue campaigning after the beginning of hostilities. She said "This Saturday's National Demo will be smaller than the 15th February but we really need everyone to into overdrive to build for it."
Bill Mahal - making serious allegations about the running of the SU
LSESU Branded "Illegal"
Mark Power & Michael Bourke
LSE student Bill Mahal has made an extraordinary batch of allegations against the LSE Students' Union, LSESU General-Secretaiy Tuuli Kousa, UGM Chair Dave Cole, and LSESU General Manager Gethin Roberts. If true the allegations, which are strongly contested by all of those facing them, seriously call into question the running of the SU.
Mahal, who suggested that he might take legal action against the SU, made his most recent allegations in response to an alleged "campaign of harassment" against his person. Previously he had voiced profound objections to the SU's regulations on societies.
In a dramatic confrontation in Houghton Street last Thursday, Mahal claimed that both Dave Cole and Tuuli Kousa were "guilty of malicious prejudice." He went on to claim that Cole's actions in the UGM were "illegal". His contention was based on Cole's decision to step down from the Chair to oppose a motion calling for the erection of a plaque commemorating LSE's Nobel laureates. Mahal alleges that this constituted a breach of the rules of "natural justice".
The discussion on Houghton Street occurred after Mahal heard of Beaver plans to publish a story on his earlier disagreements with LSESU's Constitution and Steering Committee, and the Union itself. The constitution Cont. on page 2
Editorial Page 9<
f ^
The Beaver Review of {he Year ptige 5

Page 2
Government's Favourite PhD Student Comes to
LSE
TheBemxrNevcs
IRAQ'S

Mark Power
Ibrahim Al-Marashi, the student whose dossier was plagiarised by Downing Street in order to create the dossier on Iraq's Weapons of Mass destruction, visited the LSE last TYjesday.
He spoke to a Grimshaw Club organised lecture, outlining his background and research interests and went on to speak about what the Guardian described as a "journalistic cut and past job."
Mr Marashi, who is currently pursuing a doctorate in histoiy at Cambridge, was researching Iraqi intelligence services when he produced an article for a periodical specialising in Middle East history. His article was an investigation into the documentation, captured by Kurdish rebels in their uprising during the 1991 Gulf War. Marashi describes the article as a "guide to Iraqi intelligence services."
When questioned as to how he felt about Downing Street's plagiarism, he replied "I am not in the least bit offended.
Nick Spurrell
Over 250 students attended on Wednesday a conference event on the 'Future of Economics', organised by the LSE (SU) Hayek Society. Four LSE economics academics discussed the role the discipline will play in the coming years.
Nobuhiro Kiyotaki chaired the event, which was based around a panel discussion by Professors John Hardman-Moore, Christopher Pissarides, Danny Quah, and Dr. Linda Yueh.
The importance of markets and economics was affirmed, and LSE's historic and continuing role in the field was brought to the attentive audience's attention. Various LSE alumni were noted, in particular, the influence of Priedrich von Hayek, the eminent Nobel Prize-winning scholar after whom the Hayek Society is named.
The Conference also highlighted other important figures in the field. Panellist Dr. Yueh emphasized a need for further work into the connexion between the disciplines of economics and law. She referred to Bruno Leoni, whose book. Freedom and the Law, extends Hayekian thought into this sphere.
Prof. Quah discussed the causes of economic growth, stressing the significance of globalisation. However, he suggested that one area in which economic studies should focus in the future is the search for solutions to the problem of failing intellectual asset markets.
Focusing on the way in which econom-
I just wish they would credit me with it." He said that he felt flattered that the government had seen fit to use his research, and that expressed the hope that they would do it more often. Having worked in the U.S. State Department himself, he commented on the lack of Iraqi expertise in both the department and the other U.S. intelligence services. He said" I think the work that academics do in this field is highly commendable and should be consulted more often."
Marashi reacted with some hostility to newspapers that had scorned the government for being so desperate for information on Iraq that they had to stoop to a student's work. He foimd offence in the implication that "a students work isn't worth looking at." He was particularly resentful of an article by Alistair Cockbum in the Independent, in which this implication was strong. He said that he had "incident to pursue his agenda of arguing against the war."
In questions, Marashi was asked for his view on Wctr with Iraq. He responding
by saying, "As an Iraqi, I am keen to see Saddam toppled, but not necessarily an U.S. invasion." He reiterated other academics concerns regarding the structure of a post-war Iraq. He said that "the U.S. is going to be more concerned about keeping Iraq together and the oil pumping, rather than bringing people who commit these acts [war crimes] to justice."
His concerns centred on the presence of current Ba'ath bureaucrats and army figures of middling rank being used by the U.S. in their interim administration. He said that many of the documents he had studied indicted such figures, but that it was unlikely that any post-war administration would comprise of a purge of such war-criminals.
Mahal concluded by reiterating his fears of the intentions of the current "neo-conservative ideology prevalent in Washington D.C." and his fears that the war on Iraq could be the small step to a much larger U.S. programme in the middle-east.
Tuesday IStfa March
Mahal's Allegations cont.
Cent, from page 1 of the Democratic Club has been the subject of intense debate between Mahal and the Committee, which raised objections to various sections of it.
During the at times heated discussion Mahal also suggested that he might launch legal action against the Beaver should it publish anything he considered defamatory against him personally or the Democratic Club.
Since Thursday Mahal has sent various emails to the involved parties, stating that "there is case law to establish that charities [i.e. the LSESU] are bound by the rules of natural justice." He followed this by apparently misquoting the Oxford Dictionary of Law. He appears to omit the crucial qualifier to his argvmient, which states that his interpretation only applies to people acting in a judicial role. Cole responded by saying that although he regards the role of the UGM chair as important, he didn't regard it as "a judicial post."
When asked for a response to the allegations made against him, LSESU General Manager Gethin Roberts said that "If Mr. Mahal has a complaint about me then he should follow the proper channels through the elected officials of the Union."
Mahal's correspondence repeatedly highlighted the possibility that he may begin legal actions against the Union, TUuli Kousa, and Dave Cole. Kousa told the Beaver "I can't imderstand the motivation behind Mahal's actions. I stand by Gethin and his management and refute the allegation that the Union is guilty of any wrong doing towards Mr Mahal."
Dave Cole expressed his concern at being accused of any poor judgement, stating that "I take any accusation of wrong doing on my part seriously; I have always done my best to up hold the union constitution and act fairly in all Union meetings."
A close associate of Mahal has distanced himself from the attacks on the Union. Nick Spurrell, the co-Consul of the Democratic Club described Mahal's behaviour as "ridiculous", a description he also applied to what he termed "Bal's apparent threats to
sue." He said that he had considered resigning from the Democratic Club, but he felt it "would disappoint the membership who have joined in entirely good faith." Furthermore Spurrell went out of his way to disassociate Mahal's actions from the Democratic Club. He told the Beaver "I would like to make it absolutely clear that he is acting in a personal capacity, and that I do not agree with him."
When asked what the likely consequences of any legal action could be, Mahal replied that "it could ruin those involved." In a later email he alleged it was his year at LSE "that has been ruined by certain individuals spreading a malicious falsehood."
The likely outcome of this furore is currently unclear. In an email sent to the SU officials whom he had previously accused of various misdemeanours he concluded "I have been considering making an official complaint to the School, but have decided against doing so. I hope that this kind of conduct is never repeated again."
All of the involved officials continue to uphold the record of the union in its relations with Mahal, and categorically deny his allegations of harassment.
The Future Of Economics: All Very Right Wing (Allegedly)
ics seeks to solve such problems. Prof. Hardman Moore argued that economists should devise intricate troubleshooting mechanisms. Interspersed with jokes and witticisms, he contended that, with regard to game theory, unlike other academic disciplines, economics do not just explain the results, but get to design the games. Further comment on the changing role of economics came from Christopher Pissarides.
The event is the second aimual 'Future of Economics' conference from the Hayek Society, and repeated and extended the success of last year. It followed a similar 'Future of Management' event the previous week, and a more controversial panel discussion earlier in the term entitled 'Capitalism: The Only Hope for the 21st Century'. At that, the 160-plus audience responded welcom-ingly to the guests'
pro-market arguments.
Despite being perhaps not so high-pro-file as certain other societies, the Hayek Society is one of the largest in LSE with approximately 450 members. It publishes a regular academic journal, Ama-gi,
which has recently won - - international ¦ students listen in
acclaim from several Nobel Laureates and other scholars. The Society, through its journal, events, and discussion groups seeks to defend classical liberalism and free market economics and foster an envi-rormient for the mutual exchange of ideas, in the spirit of F. A. Hayek, its inspirer.
The 'Future of Economics' event comes at a time of particularly high activity by many Students' Union societies, given that the end of Term is fast approaching. As S.U. General Secretary, Tuuli Kousa, has said: "Judging by the amount of events taking place during the last two week of term, LSE students are by no means crumbling under essays and hand-ins."
rapt attention at voluntary econ lecture...
Tuesday 18th March
The Beaver News

Grips Beaver!
Eleanor Keech
Party fever gripped the Students' Union's media outlets last Wednesday as jelly, ice-cream, Tony Giddens and the well-know club and radio DJ Judge Jules attended the official opening of the new Beaver and PuLSE offices on the second floor of the East building.
Having survived for many years in dark, dank offices in the basement of the Clare Market building (believe us, the conditions really were that bad), the old , Beaver and PuLSE offices are being converted to a room dedicated to societies.
After a tumultuous move to a snazzy office (with new computers, windows -fresh air, a complete novelty! - as well as a strange smoky vortex effect) in which The Beaver managed to lose chairs, books and a printer,; lb managed to successfully hide all our rubbish and the party was on. Cue lots of sub-editors who flocked to the party in their droves with the promise of a free glass of champagne or two.
PuLSE managed to acquire a second studio in their new office, which makes Ufe a lot easier for them (although you really would have to be the size of a hob-bit to fit in the second studio) and should hopefully lead to an even more professional sound. To celebrate their new
acquisitions, PuLSE and The Beaver united for a shindig of mass media proportions. Giddens made his usual "thank you LSE Student's Union" speech which we have all come to know off by heart over the years, and Jules reminisced about the pirate radio he allegedly ran -the 1980s out of several LSE halls of residence, whilst completing his undergraduate	law degree here at the LSE. The accompanying pictures of the merriment for reveal all... (No naughty shenanigans I'm afraid.)
Also see Mike Bum's Judge Jules interview in full on page 18.
The Judge and the Director - a meeting of minds to behold
Jules graces the PuLSE studio with his disc spinning talents.
Robertson Cancellation Controversy
Continues To Rage
Mark Power
Following last week's cancellation of Lord Robertson's lecture, new details of the STWC's campaign to stop his speech have emerged.
David Meyer, organiser of the event, spoke out in outrage last week over the Stop the War Coalition's campaign to stop the lecture. He said "I would strongly refute the idea that his cancellation should be seen as a victory for anti-war campaigners." He went on to ask of the STWC; "Would they rather he stayed in a sealed office in NATO headquarters, or came and took part in a free and democratic debate? - I know which I would prefer."
This criticism comes in the wake of a week of STWC protests including a campaign to stop the Columbian Vice-President from giving a lecture on Thursday morning. The STWC was particularly attacked for its personal campaign against Lord Robertson, including what Meyer described as a "defamous[sic] and personalised" campaign.
When contacted for comment. Stop the War activist Laura Muir said that she "didn't see how the STWC's actions pre-
vented Lord Robertson from speaking." She added that "it must be that he's so ashamed of his warmongering that he can't face a protest of student opinion." This of course contrasts with the views expressed in last weeks Beaver by James Meadway, another STWC activist, that "we don't want people like Robertson coming to the LSE when we are on the brink of starting a bloody war against the people of Iraq."
The STWC would seem to be somewhat divided as to the motivation for their protests, something reinforced by Muir when she said that "nobody speaks for the STWC."
Whatever their motivations, the STWC did seem to stop Robertson's appearance although Muir continued to reiterate that it was Robertson's own "shame and discomfort with his actions" that prevented him from coming, yet when asked had no answer questioning as to exactly how Lord Robertson could be described as a warmonger.
Meyer expressed that he hoped in the future the STWC would "feel able to join in the democratic process, rather than standing on the sidelines shouting and claiming victory when debates are called off."
GES6{iEB8B!BTS8K
WAftWONGj^
«ASS PftOTE
Meyer holds up the poster accusing Robertson of multiple misdemeanours
Page 3
Union Jack
Onjee sig^u this jiear,:Jack has been over-looked'for the Oscars, AU colours, and the Dev Cropper Memorial Award. And he isn't happy about it. He won't be awarded an Honorarj' Studentship either, being himsrff a life-student at the LSE.
Do you people not appreciate the finer things in life? In a: fit of petty jealou^, he has decided to give out his own awards this year: the Johns. And they are as follows;
Most exciting eviction from the UGM: run- ^ ¦ ner up - Beyzade Beyzade, winner - Tom PisstakeK	"--J:;
Dodgiest haircut: runner up - Elliot Simmons, winner - Iain Wilson,
Being caught in the act in the Ents Office ; with a gingery Individual: runner up -Supertramp, winner - Supertramp.
Most flagrant display of drunkenness: runner up - Jelleyman after last Tuesday's pub quiz, winner - Iain 'bundered' Hundred for his snakebite and black in the UGM, outstanding lifetime achievement - Jimmy B for repeat offences.
Most waited hours in the Tuns (female); runner up - Candice Macdonald, winner - Sam Nicklin.
Most wasted hours in the Tuns (male): joint runners up - porters/booksellers, winnej - Jim Fagin.
Most interesting items thrown in the UGM: runner up - tangerines, winner - sausages^ "
Prettiest Queen: runner up - Ed, winner -Piers.	. ¦
Most crushing election defeat: winner -Patronising Dave, outstanding lifetime achievement - Dan Lewis
Most likely to iae sleeping under Waterloo Bridge after graduation: runner up - Tall Paul, winner - Packer (as Jack suspects this is his current addi-ess anyway)!
Most likely to end up in court after graduation: runner up Jack, winner - Beyzade Beyzade.
¦ Most likely never to bother graduating: runner up - Belleridi; winner - Nick "Mr Bums" Stoker.' ^
Services to Wrights: runner up - Bellendi, winner - Jimmy B.
Honourable Mentions;
The Bemado Duggan Award for refusing to move on from the Tuns: Loser Lewis.
The Tom' Packer Award for worst dress sense: Say-Anything-Kousa for boxer boots/cropped trousers coinbo, special mention - K's hat.
The Howan Harvey Award for 'Is it a boy or a girl?': Gregor Hackmack.
The James Dearman Award for brown nosing: Elliot Simmons.
The Patronising Dave Award for Mating the obvious in a UGM: Heather Blake for 'this is white paper'.
The Yuan Potts Award for dubious behaviour: Oliver Hanson.
Next term. Jack will be foimd sitting quietly in a comer of the Hins, meditatively sipping his. pint and reflecting on the events of the past year. i)uring the exam season, when hacks'are busy tiying to make up for all those lost hours spent campaigning and trying to learn a year's worth of material in four weeks, he'll be enjoying the chance of a little peace and quiet, without the bother of intelligently and wittily commentating on student politics every week. V
Jack's favourite scandals have included the 'Four Members Affair', the 'Question of Quoracy', the 'Beyzade Business' and the 'Equal Opps Male Mystery'. The creation of the Thursday Club, the Fair Play Coalition, the Unfair Play Coalition and the Democratic Club have all added to the intrigues as messages between hacks flew across cyber space - no longer was gossip dependent on cryptic emails, but set out in the open for all to see! This of course led to far too much openness, with C&S attracting members from far and wide for the first time in many years. Jack wistfully remembers bygone days when C&S would be over after five minutes of carefully doctoring the motions to remove any offending clauses before they even reached the UGM. May 'The List' rest in peace.
Jack has one final award to bestow: for the most number of Dishonourable Mentions in Jack: Rex Walker. May he come back for many more next year!
Page 4
Tuesday 18th March
They Win! ULU-ose!
Apathy, poor publicity 8t bizzare computer voting
Oliver Jelleyman & Justin Nolan
Tommorrow sees the final day of voting in the latest round of student elections, this time for the sabbatical positions in our maternal organization, ULU.
The University of London Union has the more members than any other student union in the country, with 120,000 students across the thirty or so colleges that make up the University of London, eligible to vote.Yet for such an important set of ¦ elections there appears to have been very little publicity, with the hustings not publicized and few posters advertising the elections around campus. This is especially disappointing as those who do not possess a ULU card cannot vote, and even those who get them now will not have registered in time to be able to do so.
The Hustings themselves were very poorly attended, with candidates and extremely avid Union hacks (yes Dave Cole was there) making up the vast majority of the fifty or so people who attended, in Room 101 at ULU's headquarters on Malet Street, last Monday night. Moreover, with seven out of twelve positions unopposed and no candidate for Men's Officer (plus ca change), the
evening was for the most part an ocean of mind-numbing boredom for the few people there.
Three LSE students are standing for election, with two, Beyzade Beyzade and Ciprian Alionescu, standing for Vice-President Welfare and Student Affairs, and the third, Chris Piper, standing for ULU President itself. Beyzade will be hoping for a more successful campaign than in his LSESU election bid, though calling himself 'a male slut' in his speech and being ejected from our very own UGM does seem a somewhat bizarre electoral strategy. Susie Reilly, current ULU Students with Disabilities Officer, and Fraser B. Stevenson, President of Heythrop College, will provide stern opposition.
Piper, who was President of KCLSU in 2000-1 and is credited with improving its fortunes, appears to be in with a strong chance of victory. A postgraduate here, he assured the few who listened that he would continue the fight against top-up fees and GATs. He will face strong competition, however, from Ben McMechan, Co-President of UCL Union, and Imran Khan, President of Birbeck College Students Union. Khan provided the only real entertainment of the night as he used the platform to launch into a lengthy diatribe against 'Political Hacks' in ULU and
against the War in Iraq. He also insinuated that he would be willing to go to any lengths necessary in order to achieve his aims in office, repeatedly shouting the phrase 'fuck ultra-vires'.
Questions however remain of Mr Khan's competence as he was non-confidenced and then sacked as	Birbeck
Union's President in their only quorate meeting for over	three
decades, and a frank exchange between him and meetings (and Taylor. Taylor
. I I I I i
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I
;'l 1 i f ! f. I II 111
T"F
The view that Beyz, Alionescu and Piper might be seeing on their way to work next year...
of views occurred chair of his Union's ex-LSE student), Peter protested that Khan was never present in his own Union and had allowed Birbeck University to increase academic fees by 10% due to his absence. Even so, Mr Khan's fireworks had provided a welcome distraction from the rest of the tedium that had preceded him, and
with very few people actually turning out to vote in these elections (last year it was only three hundred) students in London may not have heard the last of him.
Those of you who own a ULU card can vote online up until 1700 on Wednesday at 'www.uluelections.net'. Candidate's manifestos have been printed in the London Student and are on the website.
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Students Protest Proposed 'Hijacking' of Carr-Saunders Bar
Prashant Rao
Residents of Carr-Saunders Hall are up in arms over a proposal submitted by Hall Administration to decommission the posts of Student Bar Manager and Student Assistant Bar Manager and replace them with an external, non-student.
Current Bar Manager, Sophie Mallett commented that these 'threats' are made every year, but this year, there has been a much more serious tone to them, and Hall Administration seems much more intent on pushing the proposal through, with the backing of David lymms which they already have.
Carr-Saunders Administration has attempted to justify their calls for non-student Bar Managers with the claim that to do so would promote continuity within Bar Management. Mallett comments that the Bar already has a system built-in to promote continuity in that the Assistant Bar Manager is always a second year Manager-in-training who will become Manager in their third year, thus ensuring that any incoming Manager has a year of experience.
The Hall Committee has vehemently opposed any proposed reform of the Bar Management, with Committee President, Anas Makhdoom, going so far as to calling it a 'hijacking of the Bar by the Hall Administration,' in a letter to both David Tymms	and	Carr-Saunders
Administration.
Hall Committee Vice-President, Amit Mistry, confirmed that the Committee will remove anything that they had purchased from the Bar should the proposal go through, including the TV, Speakers,
Playstation2 and Table Football, leaving the Bar devoid of any alternative forms of entertainment. He went on to say that the current working relationship between the Committee and the Bar is very good, and any change in that relationship would only serve to the detriment of the students.
Mallett also voiced various other concerns including a fear that a non-student Manager would not put in a full effort to prevent prices from spiralling out of control. She comments that in her time at Carr-Saunders, the price of a pint has risen from £1.30 to £1.50 and the price of spirits have risen from £1.80 to £2.20, with her putting in a tremendous amount of effort to prevent any further rise. Also, employing non-student staff would possibly result in higher wages, leading to higher prices to compensate.
She also fears for the job safety of students employed to work in the Bar, pointing to the example of the now-defunct position of Student Porter-Manager, a student-manned position at Hall Reception. After the 2000-01 academic year, however, all of those student jobs were removed from reception.
The Hall Committee has started a petition that they hope to have every resident sign, and are hoping to get word out to ex-students of Carr-Saunders to join them in protest.
Mallett did acknowledge, however, that David T^mms has agreed to meet with her and members of the Hall Committee to discuss any compromise, and also has agreed to give backing to any compromise the Committee and current Bar Management reaches with Carr-Saunders Administration.
Tuesday l$th March
The Beaver Bedew
Don't look back in anger...
Page 5
Aqeel Kadri and Michael Bourke
look back on the highs and lows of the last two terms and distribute some awards to the best and worst of what we've all been through.

Best Moment of the Year -
Anti-War Protest Sees 1000 on Houghton Street
1 000 LSE students headed off from Houghton Street on the 15th February to show their opposition to the war with Iraq.
They quite literally marched into history, forming a part of the biggest ever demonstration in British history.
The award is given in recognition of the commitment, activism and sheer work rate of the Stop The War Coalition. It has been the political phenomenon of the year, generating
joyous quantities of news with its occupations, plane stunts and occasional arguments about banners.
But more importantly it is given in recognition of all of the "ordinary students" who stuck two fingers up against apathy and took a stand on an issue they cared about. They were drawn from almost ever comer of the LSE comunity. Post-grads, international students and staff all joined the throng, scotching suggestions that the
anti-war movement was nothing more than the usual ragbag of scruffy German anarchists and swivel eyed SWSSers plotting the downfall of global capitalism.
If there's one moment from this year at the LSE that you'll tell your kids about it's the day that a million people took to the streets of the capital. And one thousand of our people helped make that so.
Worst Moment of the Year -Anti-Rape Debacle at the UGM
The most aggressive UGM debate of the year was sparked by a motion condemning a placard displayed at the AU barrel. The placard, which bore the legend "Free John Leslie, hard sex is not a crime", was seized and destroyed but not before causing some offence.

miim
The AU executive's refusal to accept demands for an apology inspired angry shouts from many, but the UGM was, in fact, deeply divided over what many thought was a clear-cut case of condemning rape.
Accusations of condoning rape followed the meeting, which was itself a distinctly uncomfortable place to be.
This moment, more than any other, stands out for the divisions and hostility it created. Hostility that has perhaps not entirely disappeared. The debate itself was angry and conducted without the maturity we have come to expect of the UGM. Respect was lost and reputations tarnished. An event we care to forget.
Best Speech of the Year -
Shared by Jo Kibble & Jimmy Baker
A tricky award to dole out this one. The judges spent many hours in the Shakespeare's Head deliberating and in the end decided to split the glory.
First winner is Mr Jo Kibble for his oratorical brilliance, particularly the witty introduction to his UGM hustings speech. The Beaver hopes that, as SU Treasurer, he keeps on entertaining us next year.
The second winner, in the comic category, is Mr Jimmy Baker. The judges are only just recovering from his eloquent demolition of the Wright's Bar motion. The phrase "these people are trying to be something they're not" will ring in our ears for years to come. The Beaver thanks Jimmy for ensuring Wright's continues to get the respec' it deserves.
Worst Speech of the Year -Beyzade Beyzade (special mention to Matt Sinclair)
Beyzade Beyzade wins this prize with a last minute entry of unsurpassed quality - a UGM speech so bad he had to be ejected immediately afterwards.
Beyzade took the farcical plaque debate to depths most thought unreachable. Credit though must go to Bal (Bill?) Mahal for giving Beyz his opportunity to shine. Or whatever. Beyzade's shameless attempt at seif^-
promotion was quickly ended by a heavy shower of order papers and concerted cries of 'shame!'.
Special mention must go to Matthew Sinclair for his speech against displaying the SU banner at the anti-war demo. Matt sadly managed to confuse war with peace but he has since redeemed himself admirably in speaking against last week's plaque motion. The Beaver is sure he will continue to improve!
Outstanding Achievement Awards
Still Seated Achievement Awards
Special K Faizullaev for nobility in defeat
"Patronising" Dave Cole for bringing a semblance of order to the UGM James Meadway for enduring the end-
less mispronunciation of his surname Oily Jelleyman for refusing to wobble Iain Bundred for Michaelmas leadership
Tuuli Kousa for all those great quotes!
Vita Maynard for poster deployment skills
Bill Mahal for seeing the funny side of life
Tall Paul for services to Male Welfare Tony Giddens for being down with the
kids. Endlessly.
Dave Willumsen for not being there when we really needed him David lymms for his help with the Passfield story
Page 6
The Beaver Nem
Tuesday '18th March
Tuuli's Last Gen Sec Diary (Sob)
Elections for incoming Sabbaticals are far gone and the Annual General Meeting is taking place this week. However, as General Secretary, I have four months left, and many plans to bring to completion.
This year has already witnessed great successes, and hopefully there are many more to come. My primary election promise was to increase awareness of Students' Union affairs. More global emails have been sent than in any previous year, the Students' Union Website has been relaunched, the Beaver has reported an increased number of SU and LSE based news, and the Constitutional Review Taskforce is proposing to create a post for a full time Communications Sabbatical. The Website still lacks sufficient content, and in order for the Constitutional Changes to go through a quorate Summer term UGM is required. However, these improvements are already working towards the goal of a more inclusive Students' Union. The Constitutional Review has swallowed large chunks of my time, and would, if passed by the UGM in the Summer term, allow our constitution to reflect the real state of Union affairs more accurately, while simultaneously imposing significant changes to the Executive Committee Structure and the UGM Standing Orders among others.
Looking at the past nine months, I can confidently assert that I have worked very hard to bring about changes across the board. I have put in countless hours and I
have achieved many changes for the better. I have made the case for more representation in committees, I have tackled conflicts with the school, I have dealt with problems resulting from the overcrowding of the School, I have argued	the
urgent need for more Halls of Residence, I have got together with the Careers service to plan a joint online service providing part-time job advertisements, I have effectively fought for	free
Wednesday afternoons for postgraduates, I have taken part in the successful lobbying to see an end to the LSE catering monopoly,
and I have worked on issues arising from the recent Government White Paper by networking behind the scenes and by defending students' views in LSE's governing committees. I could go
on, but instead I urge you to attend the Annual General Meeting this Thursday (Old Theatre, 1pm), where I will be presenting an annual report!
Over the Easter break, Priya and I will be preparing a response to the Government White Paper, I will have NUS
Conference to tackle, NUSSL Convention to face, Lille to travel to, and finally some holidays to take. Summer term will bring more committee meetings, the Postgraduate re-sit issue reopened. International Students' fees to negotiate, and a well structured handover to prepare.
As some students would know by having come to the UGMs or by reading the Beaver, the Executive Committee have faced severe internal disagreements this year. I would hope that the incoming Executive have learnt from our experience to put more emphasis on team work and common goals. After all, we are elected to these posts to pursue the welfare of our students, and hidden political agendas should not hinder this process. It has also saddened me to note the frequent ill-informed critique of the anonymous columnist hiding behind the name of Union Jack. While I respect holding officers into account (and would strongly encourage students to do so more at the UGM!!) trying to be desperately witty by maliciously and pettily undermining the efforts of officers surely serves no common interest. I can only hope that the criticism will be more constructive next year.
Not much space, nor much time... I have had an amazing year so far, but I am nowhere near finished. Please come to the AGM this week, and be sure not to miss the Summer term UGMs in May. Have a wonderful Easter break and good luck for your exams!!
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Tuesday ISth March
JheBeiwerNeics
Page 7
BANG BANG BANGS ON
It is with a growing lump in my throat and a large John Daniel's in hand that I, Bang Bang, write this final column for you. In the short 4 years I have been picking up my pen and sprawling my thoughts across these pages, it's been like picking up a spade to plant and sow a seed and digging my own grave; that has been its beauty for me.
Lots have you may have read it and thought 'what in the blue hell is this kid on about?', some that you found a message that resonated in you to whatever degree. Others may have simply enjoyed it over a cup of tea. I think I have achieved my goal if the above are true: I got you thinking and tried to get nearer the truth in a world of half-truths. You see it's not about being left or right, liberal or fascist, those are just labels that chop up your brain and limit how far you can push your little grey cells. I have bashed every group under God's great sun in my time, so if anything, I played it straight down the middle and delivered on my policy of being an equal opportunities agitator. These 'columns' of mine have hopefully also been infused with my message that you are more powerful and potentially brilliant than you will allow yourself to believe. One of our great obstacles is the fact that too many see life's problems as massive and thus think they need massive solutions; individuals tend not to
feel powerful in the face of problems after all. The secret is in realising that tiny acts can be the most powerful, especially when they take place on the edge.
Right now, you are letting your world be constrained by fear. You fear terrorism, so you go to war with terrorism. The result is more terrorism. It's a spiral that is really not that difficult to break. Your elites are beguiling you because it is not they who will face bullets or gas attacks in tube stations or collapsing skyscrapers. They have chosen the route of self-aggrandisement and absolute power -they have chosen vanity, good ol' Lucifer's favourite sin.
Just remember that if you throw a rock at them, they will fire a gun at you. If you come to a shoot out with a knife, you will be going down. I'm not advocating resignation by any means, simply the use of a more powerful weaponry, yourself. By adopting the methods of those you wish to fight, you only reinforce their mindset and encourage them to further their already mighty arsenal.
A part of me argues that there could be some gloiy in martyrdom, but is your death or imprisonment going to change things? Ghandi's imprisonment did help free India of British control after all. However, as he feared, unless Indian's changed the way they thought, only the names of their rulers would change and
that is what happened. So, do you peace for peace rather than fight for it? Perhaps the mysteries of life are only open to those willing to listen. If anything, we have to try to experience all we can. I have certainly enjoyed everything that's happened so far. It's been a pleasure to talk to all of you and when I actually do some bar work, serve you!
My thanks go out to a maximis ad minima (the greatest and to the least), who have inspired me. I thank the veteran rebellious gentleman often found at the end of the bar: the great Mr Vic Finigan and his infamous potting shed, Mr Fred Gilbert MBE who keeps the LSE running, Simon the Gypsy Bookseller who is busy running down Alpha Books, Worthy's Ron, D.T.R.M. (Dave the Rat Man), Ted who likes a good head on it, Caffrey's Rob, all from Cancer Research UK (get well Mr Logan!), and last but not least, the late great Micky Rowland who spawned such great cocktails as 'Jameson's with a splash of Becks' who has moved on to pastures new. Thanks to Wright's Bar for their body and brain fuel.
To Mr Jim Fagan, this journey continues beyond the page. To Mr Paul Harmon, peace Rabbit! To all those who had the pleasure and displeasure of working with me in the Tuns, you will never find a better place to work! Remember it well when you're plugged
into your office desk! To all those I've met and befriended, I don't know how you put up with me! I'll be with chu all always, you know who you are!!
So far I have followed the flow of life. I have been led to knowledge, more and more all the time, which has revealed an amazing picture of how the world plays out. The trickle of information I found in my youth became a river and now it is a tidal wave. Yet, we have hardly begun and the rest of the story promises to be even more amazing than what has already happened in these last years as you journey with me.
From your servant, I leave you with this my nobles: Don't wait for leaders to come, do it yourself, person to person. Create yoxir own system or else be enslaved by another man's! The most powerful way to change the world may well be to do so secretly, by committing tiny acts of compassion. It does not matter that people know what you are doing, but rather that YOU do it. When a large enough number of people finally do something, or something is done enough times, it will one day happen to everyone, everywhere. This is why you must behave as if all your acts affect thousands upon thousands of people, because they do.
In saecula saeculorum: Forever.BANG BANG! XXXXXXXXXXX
CARROSSSi. - UVE MUSIC AT USE SU
DATE: Tuesday, 18th March LOCATION: The Quad T1ME:20KK)-23KX}
COST: ISE £3 / NUS or Hter £4 / £5 Others
Kerrang! favourites Million Dead wilt be playing with such lovely outfits as Lady Lover Machine, Wheels and Once Tasted Life (from Austria).
MUSIC - UEffr TERM CONCERTS
DATE: Tuesday, ISth ManAi LOCATION: Shaw Ubrary TIM&19JL5
COST; Student ticket pfices:£4 armchair, £2 normal chair (soctety members twy one get one free) Non stuctents:£5 amichair, £3 nwmal chatr.
The Music Society proudly presents its Lent term concerts, featuring the orchestra and the choir, conducted by Andrew Campling, Tom Hammond and Tobias Muhlhofer. Programme includes Beethoven Symphony No 5, Mozart Clarinet Concerto and works by Haydn and Lehar. Tickets available on Houghton Street 12-2pm Thursday 13th, Friday 14th and Monday 17th
QUESTION TIME - "THE FUTURE OF BRHKH CUL-TUREDGBATP
DATE: Tuesday, 18th Mardt LOCATION; OM Theatre
TIME: Luntih; C023 12:00 - 13:00 / Delate: OM Theatre 13K)0 -14:00
COST: Lunch - £3 members/£5 non^embers / Debate atone - free!
The Question Time panel events return on top form with guests including Comedian Alan Davies (aka Jonathan Creek), TV and Radio Personality Nicholas
Societies Page
witli Eiiiot Simmons e.c.simmons@lse.ac.uk
Parsons, Reginal Director for Commission for Racial Equality Andrew Housley and TV Personality and Comedy birdwatcher Bill Oddie! The discussion topic for this event will be The Future of British Culture' providing students with the opportunity to quiz our panel on ail culture related issues. Unmissable opportunity to have a delicious buffet lunch with the guests for only £3 for members followed by what looks to be an entertaining debate! Tickets will be available on Houghton Street trom Tuesday 11th March. For further information contact C.A.Bray@lse.ac.uk
HISTORY - DR. NIGEL AHSTON On "KING HUSSEIN OFJOTOAN"
DATE: Tuesday 18th Martih
LOCATION; Hlstoiy Common Room (E509), ISE
11ME:1&00
COST: Free
HISTORY - DR. DOMINICK JENiQNS ON -PAST FUTURES: REFLEC110NS ON WOOOROW WILSON, IRAQ AND WEAPONS OF MASS DE5IRUCTK}N«
DATE: Wednestfe^ 19th March LOCAIKM: GIO^ 10 Kingsway, USE 11ME:17^
(X>ST:Free
CANADIAN - ¦CANADA-EU RELATIONS'
DATE: Wednesday, 19th March 2003 LOCATION: D202 TIME17K>0 COST: Flee
SPEAKER: Jeremy K B Kinsman, Canada's Ambassador to the EU
"As we move ahead, I have no doubt that the seamless ties of family, commerce and values that have
made us - [Canada and the countries of the EU] -such close friends and partners are really just a taste of what is to come." - Canadian Prime Minister, The Right Honourable Jean Chretien
Canada and the EU share a close affinity of views on a broad spectrum of foreign and security issues. This foundation enables Canada and the EU to work closely together on many global issues, including foreign and security policy, for example human security, non-proliferation issues, justice and home affairs, northern cooperation, and academic relations. At a time when the crisis in Iraq dominates newspaper headlines, the Ambassador will address the key challenges that lie ahead. This seminar is free and open to all. Entry is on a first come, first serve basis. Free refreshments provided. For more information, please contact Christian at C.KIausen@)se.ac.uk.
ATTAC, PEOPUE « KANET & ORGANIC CONSCKHiS
THE FUTURE OF GLOBAL GOVERNANCE
DATE: Wednesday, 19th March LOCATION; New Theabe, Eiot Bulkftig DAtE:i8:30
LSE students FRGE, (otiMWwise TICKET of £5 atthedoor)
FOR FURTHSRf INFORMATION & TO RESERVE A PLACE CONTACT:
Email: leonieOearthemergency.com or telephone Leonie m: 020 8785 0127 or Mattt on (mobile): 07941566531
Prof HeikM Patomakl, Netvrork Institute for Gtobal Democratisation
Derek Osbom, Executive Chair, Uned^iK Executive Committee
Jakob von Uesdojil, World Future Council initiative John Jopling, World Wde Democracy Network Chain Ann PetUfor, Director, Jubilee Research
In this event different proposals that have been developed by civil society organizations for democratic global governance will be discussed. Helkki Patomakl will present the Draft Treaty for the Tobin Tax. Jakob von Uexkull will present the World Futures Council Initiative which links up civil society in a permanent body. John Jopiing will discuss par-: ticlpatory democracy on a global scale and Derek Osborn will speak of stakeholder forums that UNED-UK organizes between civil society, trade unions, business life, scientists and politicians.
LIVE MUSIC - OPEN MiC
DATE: Wednesday, 19th March LOCATION: Undei^ound Bar TIMEiahOO
COST: Members Free / Non-iUemi>ers £1
Watch and support random ISE musicians show off their hidden talent, performing various cover and original songs- ranging from acoustic sets, to Lionel (Richie, to full on band performances
PULSE - END OF TBiM PARTY
DATE TlHirsday, 20th March
LOCATION; Underground IteHr, East BulMing
TIME: 20^)0-23.-00	-
C0ST:£1
Fun, Food and PULSE DJs.
To advertise your Society in the 'Societies Page' in The Beaver, the 'Global Email' or the News Section of the SU Website please email Elliot Simmons the SU Societies Officer at e.c.simmons@lse.ac.uk by the Thursday before the paper / global email you wish to advertise in is published. Please send adverts in the format of those above.
Page 8
TheBeitverPocus: Women
All Women Together. Still.
Oxford's Only Female College Decides To Stay That Way
Tuesday
..h
Natalie Morrison and El Barham__
Oxford's last remaining single-sex college plans to stay that way. Last Wednesday, the girls at St Hilda's voted to continue upholding the bar on male students and tutors.
The referendum has caused a great deal of tension in the college corridors with different opinions clashing for supremacy. Ailsa Longmuir, 20, a law student said, "This has split St Hilda's down the middle. It has torn friendships apart,"
The campaigning has been very creative. Lilac for Ladies - the faction in favour of all girl rule - held a protest picnic on the lawn whilst an Anti-Lilac protest was made by 25 students, including members of the college netball team, kitted out in red.
Before female students can worry about "glass ceilings", it seems they must first deal with the "sticky floor" that sometimes arises out of intended or unintended intimidation by male students.
Although LSE has a very different structure to Oxford and Cambridge, the gender imbalance does not seem so great here. Six out of the thirteen members of the Student's Union Executive Committee are female, and the overall balance within our clubs and societies is also fairly equal. (Except of course for inimitable Beaver-ed.)
The vote, however, does not bode well for the resolution of the college's problems. Money is needed to recruit new staff, especially in scientific departments, and for building renovation.
This is compounded by the view of St Hilda's as an "easy way into Oxford" because competition for places is not as
high as for many other Oxford colleges. The college is currently 21st out of 30 colleges in last year's Norrington Table, an unofficial ranking of Oxford colleges' academic performance.
One law student, Jessica Lennard said "We want to get rid of the unfair stereotype that if you go to St Hilda's you are either a lesbian, completely insane, or stupid".
Yet there are fears that the price to pay may be the descent of St Hilda's into "just another mediocre Oxford college", with nothing particularly unique about it. It
Oxford's Spires - still dreaming of equality
would no longer be able to offer the benefits of single-sex education that are attractive to many girls.
However, this was not the only excitement Oxford students and alumni were treated to this week.
Thousands of former students poured into the city to decide on who would succeed Lord Jenkins as the next Chancellor of the University on Friday.
Aroimd 100 people, eager to exercise their democratic rights were waiting expectantly outside the Divinity School
when it opened its doors at 9.15 am.
The eventual victor of the traditional higher education single transferable vote election has been the subject of much speculation in recent weeks as the candidates names were confirmed. Bookmakers William Hill has senior law lord Lord Bingham and EU commissioner Chris Patten as joint favourites on 6/4.
Ladbrokes, however, have different ideas, with the 69-year-old peer as favourite at 5/4, with Mr Patten, 58, relegated into second place at 6/4.
Following the two forerunners is Lord Neill, 76, former chairman of the "sleaze" committee on standards in public life and vice-chancellor of the university, at 7/2 with William Hill and 3/1 at Ladbrokes. Broadcaster and Call My Bluff regular Sandi Toksvig, 44, female Cambridge graduate, is the outsider, with both bookmakers giving odds of 5/1.
A university spokeswoman said the fight would be closely fought between Lord Bingham and Mr Patten, but much would depend on how many of the universities 100,000 alumni turn up to vote over the next two days. Again, in true University tradition, a low turnout of 20% anticipated.
The spokesman confided that she believed Lord Bingham had the edge in Oxford, but that Chris Patten was more widely known outside the city.
Whoever emerges victorious will be in very good company. Some 230 chancellors have held the Oxford life post since 1224, including the infamous King-slayer Oliver Cromwell, former Prime Minister Harold Macmillan and leader of the Social Democratic Party, Lord Jenkins of Hillhead, whose death led to the current contest.
Green Future? CSR Academy For London
Tom Bum
The government is considering founding an academy specialising in postgraduate courses in the field of Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR).
The Trade & Industry Minister Stephen Timms has commissioned a working group to provide a plan for the academy. The working group, consisting of leading figures from the field of CSR, is due to deliver its report before the end of the month.
The head of the working group has spoken exclusively to The Beaver about the proposed CSR Academy. Sue Slipman has had plenty of relevant experience in this field. Until recently she was the Director of Corporate Social Responsibility at Camelot, the operator of the National Lottery. In this role she oversaw the distribution to organisations such as charities, schools, and community projects of some of the profits made through the operation of the lottery.
Slipman revealed that the proposed CSR academy would be seeking to identify and then develop "the skill set necessary
for both specialist and general managers to implement CSR strategies in organisations." She revealed that her working group has consulted with around 500 people including specialists, generalists, managers, professional institutes and non-gov-emmental organisations.
Whilst it has not yet been determined, signs suggest that the most likely location for the academy would be London. The academy would seek to offer courses with a practical edge to complement classroom teaching, and to involve experts from the most influential companies. Proximity to the London business community would therefore be a great asset.
As a concept Corporate Social Responsibility encompasses a wide range of areas. Examples include charitable donations, the building of interactive and constructive relationships with local com-mimities, and the showing of a responsible attitude to the environment in which each business operates. Many observers see the promotion of Corporate Social Responsibility as increasingly important as factors such as mobility of capital and
increased international trade mean that the State has become less able to provide for its citizens. With power increasingly being found in the corporate sector, there is an argument that a responsibility falls upon these companies to play a greater role in preserving and improving the societies in which they operate and in which their employees live. Such opinion is quite common amongst those involved with the 'New Labour' Project, which has consciously set out to try to combine the strengths of the public and the private sector to bring about improvements in British society.
There are sceptics, though. Those on the right wing of the political spectrum stress that companies are ultimately answerable to their profit-seeking shareholders: to them any practising of the CSR plans Slipman speaks of must only occur so long as the company's profit-making ability is not impaired. In contrast, left-wing sceptics see CSR as a sell-out to the business world. They suspect businesses see CSR as a token PR opportunity rather than an integral part of their 'mission'.
Richard & all his team at The Lodge, Kate, Jeremy, Louise and Kuldip in IT Services, all the team at West Country Design & Print, Judith in the Press Office, David Tymms (for all the news he's made), London Student (for making us look so professional and efficient) and all the others who know who they are.
No thanks though to all the charity direct debit hawkers on campus.
The B e a V e r Team
EXECUTIVE EDITOR Ibrahim Rasheed
MANAGING EDITOR Michael Bourke
BUSINESS MANAGER Nicholas Stoker
TECHNICAL DIREaOR Brian Choudhary
NEWS EDITORS Michael Bourke, £i; Barham
B:LINK EDITOR Ben Chapnnan
B:ART EDITOR . Justin Nolan
SPORTS EDITORS Qareth Carter, Eltie Vyras
PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR Rowan Harvey
POUTICS EDITOR Adam Quinn
INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS EDITORS Patrick Murdoch; Brian Kelly
B:UNK INVESTIGATIVE FEATURES Chris Thomas
ECONOMIC affairs Ed Calow
FILM EDITORS Eleanor Keechi Terance Li.
music editors
¦ Mike Burn; Jazmin Burgess
clubbing EDITOR Tom Miskin
LITERARY EDITOR
Dalia King
THEATRE EDFTOR Keith Postler
THE COLLECTIVE
Duncan 'what a great use of a second studio' ^ Adams, Serif Alp Atakcan, El Barham, Nick Barr, Christina Beharry, Peter Bellini, Matthias Benzer, \flda Bromby-Tavener, Farzan Bilimoria, James 'Mullet' Baker, Michael Bourke, Leonard Brouwer, Hannah Bryce, Mike Burn, Lome Charles, Jon Clegg, Dave Cole, Ed Cook, Naomi Colvin, Peter Coupe, Dan Cumming, Nafeesa Ermes, Tristan Feunteun, Juli Gan, Ian Gascoigne, Sarah Greenberg, Rowan Harvey, Sib Hayer, Jez Healey, Lindsay Hoag, Dani Ismail, Katherine Jacomb, Lyie Jackson, Tom Jenkins. Edward Jones, Paul Kirby, Tuuii Kousa, Candice MacDonald, Dan Madden, Ion Martea, Vita Maynard, Loz Morgan, Garbrielle Menezes, Ruth Molyneux, Linda Morris, Shashwat Nanda, Robin Noble, Justin Nolan, Phillip Nielsen, Samantha Nicklin, Daniela: Ott, Priya F^rkash, Neel Patel, Nicholas Pauro, Sarah Peet, Alison Perine, Chelsea Phua, Kirstine Potts, Mark Power, Claire Pryde, Vanessa Raizberg, Jan Rattay, Zaf Rashid, Loretta Reehill, Piers Sanders, Donny Surtani, Susannah Sava, Andy Saxton, James Sharrock, Elliot Simmons, Matthew Stoate, Jamie Tehrani, Saija Vuola, . Julius Walker. Laura Wheeler, Oslo and Doug ¦ Handoncock.
Special thanks from the Beaver for all the help they've given us during the year go to:
Tuesday 14th(-Ma#cdb' \r»
Editovial Comment
((
Shame!
55
lb Rasheed's Review of the Year: My Life on the Corridor of Power
«F
A series of serious allegations have been made against various individuals in the students' union's hierarchy. General Secretary Tuuli Kousa, General Manager Gethin Roberts, UGM Chair Dave Cole and Chair of C&S Oliver Jellejhnan have faced the deeply stressful possibility of legal action.
Attempts have been made by Bill Mahal to provide legal ground for his allegations. To some they appear deeply dubious but Mr Mahal is obviously convinced of his case.
The accusations are so serious that, should they prove to be untrue, they would almost certainly be considered defamatory.
Mr Mahal's belief in his cause was clearly apparent last Thursday when he accosted the Beaver's Managing Editor of this newspaper. Apparently enraged by rumours of an upcoming arti-
cle about the Democratic Club (itself struggling to comply with the Union's constitutional stipulations), Mr Mahal spoke at some length about the law, as he sees it, and what he considers to be his area of expertise. The Beaver will not comment on his legal knowledge or qualifications.
However, we will comment on the consequences of this sorry situation for the LSE community. If what Mahal says is true then we all have serious and worrying questions to ask of our Union. But if his allegations are without foundation then his actions are deplorable.
What is beyond doubt is that the last week of the SU's life has been characterised by unprecedented levels of unpleasantness and vitriol. We hope that whomsoever is responsible for this state of affairs is profoundly ashamed of themselves.
ULU Still
Failing Us
Every student who is a member of the LSE Students' Union is automatically a member of the University of London Union (ULU). This is because the school is part of the federal University of London.
Both these unions represent LSE students. The LSE prospectus cites this as one of the advantages of coming to study at the University of London. Yet there has always been a degree of doubt as to whether being a member of ULU confers any benefits to us. During the LSESU elections a referendum was held to determine whether we would remain affiliated to the NUS. We decided to remain affiliated by a massive majority. But if a similar referendum was held on ULU membership, the outcome could be quite different. There is a widespread belief that being affiliated to ULU is a waste of time and money. The only thing is that we cannot break ourselves away from them. As Ibng as LSE remains affiliated to the
University of London, we have to remain affiliated to its union.
One of the biggest areas where ULU fails is in democracy. Elections are being held electronically and the online 'ballot box' closes the day the Beaver hits the streets. Still got time to vote? Not a chance. In order to vote in ULU elections, a ULU card needs to be used. Very few actually own these cards and this requirement to vote was not publicized in time for students to obtain one if they so desired. As a result the vast majority of LSE students will not be able to vote in ULU elections.
There were similar problems last year when lots of posts were filled with no opposition. ULU elections do not allow students to cast a ballot for Ron (Re-open nomination).
ULU needs a radical shake-up. For those of you who can vote, cast your ballots for the LSE candidates and let us hope the union becomes more inclusive.
Being the Beaver Editor is not the easiest job in the world. There are always too many people to please, and the moment you step out of line, the whole world can seem to descend upon you.
Over the year, however. The Beaver has had its fair share of successes in terms of news stories. We were unlucky to discover that the next Director of the school was announced just after we had gone to press for our last issue of the Michaelmas term. Yet it was a great story to lead on at the start of this term as it gave us a chance to inform the wider student body about the decision and analyse Sir Howard's capabilities.
There was also much intrigue in student politics to report. When a member of the SU Executive resigned citing the ineffectiveness of the body as his reason, we knew we were onto a winner. The story of the "The SU Four", as these unidentified individuals have come to be known, caused a huge Shockwave through the union and encouraged them to be more cooperative as a body.
Two big stories on racism were revealed, one within the school, and one at a nightclub which is one of LSE students' favourite haunts. And who can forget our coverage of the anti-war movement. Having succeeded in putting Iain Wilson ('Tony Blair heckler') on the cover, we proceeded to produce our most controversial issue this year. By putting an editorial comment on the front page, we successfully managed to infuriate every member of the school body who was pro-war.
A stoiy that caused ripples within the school administration was our front page expose of the Passfield privatization process. Though we received a letter from one of the deputy directors who denied
several of our claims, we still stand firm beside it. What we said was that the deal would fall through because the SU would never be able to accept the proposed 150 pound rent that was proposed.
B:art has gone from strength to strength, becoming more diverse and colourful than ever before, making it a great source for the best in the arts world. The reviews of the latest films, music and books have been of an incredibly high and informed standard. Hopefully helping you to know what's what in the arts.
B:link, though many may complain about the length of articles, has been an unbeatable source for features; especially with regards to the world of politics. For better or worse. We succeeded in creating a high level of debate on the Palestine-Israel issue and even managed to get coverage in the Jewish Chronicle.
Sports has been... well. Sports! We managed to infuriate a group of militant feminist left-wingers in what was perhaps one the biggest over-reactions since one of my predecessors received death threats for suggesting that the Cyprus issue should be resolved through a boat race.
We now appear to be the target of a potential lawsuit! I am sure - as has been the case in the past - we will survive.
So all that is left for me to do this year is to extend my profuse thanks to all who have been involved in the paper's production and finally, to you, the discerning Beaver reader and hope that you have enjoyed reading the paper as much as I have editing it.
See you next year.
Letters to the Editor
Dear Sir,
Mr Krissman's assault on our article in last week's Beaver was meaningless, and certainly does not qualifiy as serious criticism. Rather than engaging Mr Krissman merely attacked. He claimed that we were wrong on numerous points, but consequently failed to tell us why we were wrong. His letter was littered with logically flawed arguments, as exemplified by the following quote; "Fortunately, the authors' claims regarding America's [X] and [Y] are entirely without merit, and therefore do not deserve any serious attention".Criticism is welcome as long as it is well grounded, and it is sad to see this kind of invective, particularly in the type of academic environment present in the LSE. We are as a result most reluctant to comment on this incoherent set of unsubstantiated remarks.
We will only say as follows, that in the article we analysed American political rhetoric with the aim of exploring underlying cultural dynamics - such as self perception, patriotism, unity and indifference. We believe that American inter-ventionism and foreign policy ( which Krissman so proudly yet ignorantly refered to as "America's global responsiblities") are based on cultural dynamics - some of which are mentioned above -widely present throughout the country. We are not asserting that the USA is some sort of "monolithic cultural entity" but in order to conduct any form of analysis which would not fall prey to
reductivism a certain amount of abstraction is necessary by definition. The relationship between the rhetoric and the cultural practices is one of mutual reinforcement. This is perhaps the point that the pseudo-polemicist has missed We would welcome a reasoned debate, but since one appears not to be forthcoming we wish to draw a line under this by asserting our continued belief in - and willingness to defend - what was published two weeks ago.
O.Haavelsrud C.Kinloch
Dear Sir,
I am sure Nick Spurrell had good intentions when he tried to explain Gerhard Schroder and Joschka Fischer's 'real' intentions for opposing a war on Iraq ("Old Europe & Peace"). However he should have done more research than just reading the 'New Republic' magazine before declaring that Joschka Fischer opposes this war because of his 'anti-American leftwing militancy'.
It is true that Fischer has a rather radical (though by no means anti-American) past and he indeed attacked a policeman. However, that was thirty years ago in 1973. Let me just remind you that, in the late 1970s, Donald Rumsfeld (yes: it wasn't only Chirac) shook Saddam Hussein's hand and that George W. Bush used to be an alcoholic. What the author forgets to
mention is that you can actually change your mind over time, especially over thirty years. During his time as foreign secretary Fischer has pushed through Germany's involvement in Kosovo and Afghanistan. He did that amid the fiercest pressure from his own Green Party (he was actually struck by a on the head by a bag of red paint at party meeting). The author also states that Fischer has been 'perhaps the most vocal' antiwar politician in Germany. Rubbish: as a foreign secretary he has always stayed diplomatic and is one of the few German politicians who still get some sort of respect from American politicians. If you have any doubts, read the interview given by Senator John McCain to 'Focus'. If the author calls Fischer a vocal anti-war politician, clearly doesn't know German politicians such as Olaf Scholz, Jtirgen Trittin or indeed Gerhard Schroder.
As a German (who did not vote for Fischer) I can assure you that you don't become one of the most popular politicians of all time by being a left-wing lunatic. Anyway, I thank Nick Spurrell for his very interesting article and wish him good luck for his future journalistic career at 'The Sun' or any other paper that doesn't mind spreading misconceptions.
Yours,
Philipp Raddant
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By Shahpar Seum
On February 15, 2003, the people of London shrugged off the early morning fog and chill to march against the impending war on Iraq. They brought their overcoats, banners, dnmis, hangovers, and the fire in their belly. We were all there. Our reasons for being there were as varied as our nimi-bers. There were students, activists, lawyers, leftists, capitalists, Christians, Jews, Hindus, Muslims, the sober and the stoned. Our grounds were political, moral and legal. And none of us could see the reason behind launching into
The biggest reason that brought people out was the effect this war would have on Iraqi citizens. The Bush family's first fieldtrip to the Middle East cost around 100,000 deaths in Iraq in 1991. How many more will die this time around? How many of them will be from among the British troops? How many more families will be destroyed so that one Texan son keeps his promise to his daddy? How many casualties will be acceptable to us, the reasonable folk?
The world is now being asked to support another war, politically and financially. But why are we going to war? This war will cost more than the Gulf War of 1991 and ambitiously aims to claim Baghdad and promote "regime change" in the arrogant belief that democracy is contagious. How will bombing Iraq get rid of its dictatorship? Has bombing Afghanistan gotten rid of A1 Qaeda? How is democracy going to work in a country that has just been bombed by the US and has lost much of its civilian population who had nothing to do with Saddam ignoring UN resolution 1441? Where is the reasoning there?
The most frightening thing about this farcical situation is how history is repeating itself, only without any of its lessons. The USA is planning on yet another regime change convinced that it would replace a military dictatorship with democracy. Lessons from Nicaragua, Chile and Vietnam are forgotten by the reasonable folk. Of course dictatorships are never what the people need to live free and fulfilled lives. But it is reasonable to question why "regime change" becomes so pressing only in the case of certain countries. Indonesia's Suharto regime was responsible for killing a million of its citizens. Where was the US's love for the citizens of another country then? Or was it simply passionate about creating employment for Indonesians in the US owned oil businesses in Indonesia?
THE SLEEP OF REASON,THE DANCE OF MONSTERS
We could turn to the "evidence against Iraq" for some answers. Answers which are never clear but we are promised that they exist, by the politicians who are asking us to go to war with our cluster bombs, carpet bombers, tanks, ammunitions and smart bombs. While we, the reasonable folk, are being fed these promises, news reaches us that the US and UK forces have already started air bombing Iraqi no-fly zones, all in the name of reducing risks to Allied troops from surface to surface missiles. This is, of course, in addition to the weekly air raids that the forces carry out in the southern and northern no-fly zones.
And yet, we are asked to remain amenable to the politicians' words.
The anti-war marchers had brought with them a colourful sea of banners, strung with powerful words of peace,
of visions of a reasonable world. On that cloudy day,
the banners swung and swum in and out of view, blown about by the below-freezing winds, buoyed by beating drums and marching footfalls. People were asking the government to not go to war in their name, to not spill Iraqi blood for Iraqi oil. Some asked for equality, some asked for equity and the freedom for the people of Palestine. In a reasonable world, we asked, should the weapons inspectors not be sent to Israel first? Why should only Iraqis face UN sanctions because of arms violations? Why should the USA calmly ignore the International Court of Justice's ruling that they have illegally mined Nicaraguan harbours? Because they can. Because "reason" is something the
poorer nations cannot afford the luxury of having recourse to.
What will become of us all after the war? What of the four million Baghdadis? What of the millions more who will be rendered homeless, pitched under light blue tents in refugee camps with the UN cars freighting cans of US corned beef? What will become of Saddam, exiled in another country? What will become of the new head of state, the new US puppet, filling the shoes that Saddam slipped into so easily when the US required him to? What will really change for the people of Iraq? What will change for the people of Palestine? Can't Exxon send its own troops? Sometimes we are too afraid to truly imagine	the
answers and sometimes we simply do not know. We do not understand the "why" and we do not know the "what then". We are, in all likelihood, going to war. And yet we call ourselves reasonable.
They talk of Democracy and Freedom of Expression and yet any voice of dissent from the Middle East and Europe is labelled as "blurred vision" and "Old Europe". Prime Minister Blair is more than content in his role as honorary US Vice President, embarrassed at home as Labour MPs threaten to resign over the Government's position. But the questions that we reasonable folk pose aren't
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the issues being dealt with in political debates. They are more concerned with the realpolitik of it all: how to deal with Russia, Germany and France vis-a-vis the international arms industry.
What are we do to now but to wait for a second UN resolution? The pro-war coalition is hoping that evidence supplied by the UN report by Hans Blix will help avoid accusations that the US and UK will bomb Baghdad regardless of international consent. Meanwhile Saddam has been given a final list of demands that must be met within mid March to comply with Resolution 1441 targets. The endgame is near as we, the reasonable folk, can do nothing but wait on our heels. Clearly, we are not convinced or more trusting of the political process. The Anti-War Coalition is already planning more demonstrations for the day the allies go to war, at London's Parliament Square, followed the next day by mass rallies converging at Hyde Park, much like the one we participated in. The students unions at various London University campuses are planning protests and rallies. We will all be there. But this time, it will be too late.
As my friends and I made our way home from the march in February, I wondered what it meant to have morals and ethics. It is a luxury in the consciences of the reasonable few, the tempered pacifists, the Gandhians. It is too often not backed by political seats or by oil money. It is often wasted by the twists of fate and slights of national pride. It is a burden that we must carry, as we watch the Middle East go up in flames, in horror. It is difficult being so reasonable when there is so little to have faith in.
This is Shahpar Selim's first article for B:link.
beaver


TIME FOR WAR
To oppose war in the current circumstances is either to be a pacifist, an ostrich or a fool if there is ever a time for war in iraq, it has now arrived says ADAM
Quinn.
It's day 130 in the Big Brother state, and Saddam shows no signs of complying wth the demands of George, Tony and the rest of the UN housemates. So far, despite 12 years, 17 Security Council resolutions and a 'final' chance to disarm delivered on November 8th, . all that has been offered up are some empty warheads, a few missiles and a glorified hang-glider, and most of those only after they were discovered by the inspectors, having not been included in Iraq's 'full' declaration of its weapons. Anyone who claims that this shows Iraq is harmless and the inspections process is working must be related to the bright spark who decided that, from what he could see, that iceberg was never big enough to sink the Titanic.
The current hunt is not primarily about missiles a couple of miles over the range limits or DIY planes: it is about the thousands and thousands of litres of anthrax and other chemical and biological horrors which were known to be in Iraq at the start of the inspections process and which have never been accounted for. Stuff which Saddam Hussein, who fought tooth and nail to delay, obstruct and bamboozle the inspectors in their original attempts to verify Iraqi disarmament, claims he just threw away during the years the inspectors were out of Iraq after 1998. Of course, he can't provide any evidence whatsoever that this sudden, uncoerced change of heart actually happened, and that these vats of lethal muck aren't still stashed away for a rainy day. But hey, why would he lie?
"Of course the West knows Saddam has weapons of mass destruction," quip the ant-war lobby. "They sold them to him." Well,
yes, actually. Hilarious and biting as this ingenious satirical remark is, even on the twentieth hearing, it is in fact a fairly good summary of the situation. Who better to know what weapons a man is packing than the friendly neighbourhood arms dealer? We know exactly what he was sold, we know how much of it has been found, and we therefore know, by process of simple deduction, what is still unaccounted for.
Facing the total refusal of Iraq to produce the missing substances, one is faced with a choice: to take it on trust (and there is no evidence) that these chemical and biological agents, so assiduously guarded for so
long, have simply been thrown away; or to believe that Saddam Hussein is gambling that he can get away with holding on to what he has by denying everything and hoping his enemies won't have the determination or unity to call his bluff. Based on these choices, the only sane conclusion is that anyone who enters into the discussion of what to do about Iraq basing themselves on the assumption that Iraq has already destroyed its weapons of mass destruction is nothing short of a fool.
Taking it to be established then, at least for all who don't choose to be ignorant of it, that Iraq does in fact have weaponry, or materials for building weaponry, which it is failing to declare (and even the French and the Russians, the new heroes of the Stop the War movement, most definitely accept that Iraq does have what it is accused of having), we then face the choice of what to do about it.
The US position is as clear as it could be: this has been going on for years; Hussein was given his final chance months ago; the only way he will ever be disarmed is by force; let's lock and load. At the opposite extreme, one finds what might be called the Tony Benn position, which would appear to be that war is not an appropriate method for resolving any situation, and no matter what weapons Saddam Hussein is proven to have, or how brazenly he refuses to hand them over, it would be wrong to risk the lives of innocent Iraqi civilians in a military assault. This is clearly a pacifist position, and on its own terms it is perfectly principled and consistent. If war is always wrong, no matter what the provocation or the potential consequences of passivity, then a war in Iraq, like all other wars, must be wrong too. However, this is always going to be a minority position, and clearly the bulk of the support for the anti-war movement doesn't rest on it (though some of its more vocal members may well subscribe).
So if we set aside the two minority positions, which are that (a) Iraq has no weapons of mass destruction, and (b) that war is wrong in any and all circumstances so an attack is unthinkable, we
s
are left with the main plank of opposition to the American position. This is the view that Iraq does have such weapons, and that a war may prove to be necessary eventually, but that now is not the right time, and we should press on a while longer with the inspections regime while trying to get Iraq to cooperate more thoroughly. If we suppress the suspicion that getting the chance to thumb their Gallic noses at America is part of the motivation, this would seem to be broadly the position of the French. They acknowledge that undeclared weapons are in Iraq, but just don't believe, as America does,
that Iraq is a big enough threat as a result to justify the risks associated with war.
The reasons against war for this camp are:
(a) that Saddam doesn't pose a sizeable threat even with WMD and can be contained, (b) that the human cost of war would be
too high, and (c) that, maybe with some tweaking, the inspections process can still work. The first argument is shortsighted and dangerous. Saddam Hussein has shown himself repeatedly to be a political gambler with expansionist tendencies. He has started more than one war with his neighbours and used some nasty chemical weapons already in one of those. To work off the assumption that he will sit quietly in his box once the current military pressure is off is to be either braver or more feckless than a post-September 11th Bush Administration, quite reasonably, is prepared to be.
The second point, highlighting the human cost of any war, is one which it is indeed important to bear in mind while weighing up the decision to act. However, it is also important to consider the benefits which would come from toppling Saddam Hussein. Liberation from a totalitarian regime which has murdered on a grand scale and destroyed civil society in Iraq is arguably a prize for the Iraqi people for which it would be well worth enduring a
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war which will in all likelihood be brief and decisive. War would provide a means of installing democracy in Iraq in a way which, it has become apparent, is beyond the capacity of the Iraqi people to bring about by themselves, faced with Hussein's brutal police state. It would also mean the lifting of the sanctions which, in combination with Hussein's abuse of the system, have led to steadily worsening conditions for ordinary Iraqis. It is a great irony that the sanctions regime, before the current debate denounced as the worst of all possible policy worlds, is now considered the preferred way forward by so many. Iraq should be free of sanctions, and this will only be possible when it is free of Saddam Hussein.
Finally, there are the inspections. To argue that they can disarm Iraq, even if the number of inspectors is increased, is laughable. Their original purpose was to go in and tick some boxes as Iraq wheeled out all of its banned weapons, which it was obliged to declare. Their role has instead turned into that of detective, seeking to discover and destroy weapons Iraq has never admitted to having. To expect this to be successful in a country the size of Iraq is a fantasy. The clear expression of all UNSC resolutions has been that the onus is on Iraq to declare all, not on inspectors to find what has been hidden. Unless Iraq comes clean about where the substances discussed above are located, the inspections process will remain permanently stalled. To convince oneself that Saddam can be left alone with his weapons, or that inspections as currently operating are a solution, is to buiy one's head in the sand, ignoring real risks and tolerating unacceptable failings in the current approach.
Saddam Hussein is not disarming. It is universally acknowledged by the countries at the head of the debate that Iraq is still in possession of undeclared weapons. The only argument is over what to do about it and when. Given that he has been offered his final chance, that he has still failed to respond, and that there is no hope of inspectors being able to find these weapons without Iraqi direction, it seems that those who call for 'more time' face an unanswerable question in 'more time for what?'. If there is ever an appropriate time for war in this case, then that time is at hand. That is unfortunate for the Iraqi people, but they have Saddam Hussein to blame for bringing them to this pass. Hopefully they can be compensated for enduring a necessary war with the freedom to build a better Iraq in his absence.
Adam Quinn is the Beaver's Politics Editor and is a regular contributor to B:link.
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CONTRE LA DOMINATION ¦ MONDIALE DES ETATS-UNIS"
Olivia Mantle on the French position on war with Iraq and the reaction it has caused.
"The Frogs are at it again!", the uninformative headline of the New York Post on the day after France refused to agree to Turkey being used as a base	for
American troops should there be a war with Iraq.
The uproar this refusal caused on both sides of the Atlantic in the American and the British press was unprecedented,
and all of a sudden all the old stereotypes that were thought to be buried under a sea of political
correctness resurfaced. It appeared that France should still be indebted to the USA for having helped free it of Nazi rule during the Second World War; France should have no opinion on the Iraq crisis, as it hadn't earned it. Its place in NATO was only to uphold the US stance. The American press, self-proclaimed voice of the Free World, had sunk to using petty name-calling and rehashing old rivalries as soon as all did not go their way. Is this the kind of reaction we want to see from a country about to lead the Western powers to war?
All this bad press neglects to take into account certain fundamental points that make the French position on war a reasonable one. France, upon agreeing to play an integral role in NATO in the early 1960s, then pulled out of military rule in 1968 under Charles De Gaulle's instruction. This effectively means that should there be any NATO-led military action, the French army will only ever be led by a French General, and will remain controlled by the PYench government. This has been the situation in Kosovo, in Kuwait and in every other peacekeeping
deployment of force. It goes without saying that if France is not backing military action that NATO, and particular-
Chirac; a Gaullist nightmare for the US all over again
ly the USA, would like to take, it is under no obligation to do so due to its different status within NATO, and in any case it is certainly entitled to voice its opinion.
Chirac's refusal to blindly follow the Bush administration's lead has drawn comparisons between himself and De Gaulle, the only other French President to truly cause a rift between his government and the USA. But what Chirac is doing is listening to the views of his people, taking advice from his ministers, and allowing inspections to take place whilst waiting for the situation to become clearer He refuses to speculate about military action that could be taken in the future, preferring to wait until all other methods of disarmament have been exhausted. "PYance has only one aim: to rid Iraq of weapons of mass destruction. We do not share any other goal." This was his view on March 3rd, when the states opposed to war tabled an alternative second resolution in the UN Security Council. He has already stated he would use his veto
within the Security Council if a second resolution were to be voted upon: this position was seen by the White House as a direct insult, when it is more a case of letting the initial resolution be exhausted first.
Hans Blix, the chief weapons inspector, last week stated that Iraq was beginning to comply, but that it needed more time, "on a scale of not weeks or years but months." The US/UK reaction to this was to give a 10-day deadline. If the US and UK are not even going to listen to the advice of the people sent to Iraq for their benefit, is there any legitimacy to be gained by the UN vote? The bullyboy tactics of the USA to gain backing from weaker states are well documented, but this childish behaviour has become apparent within the 5 permanent members of the Security Council as well. Last week, the US Ambassador to Paris stated; "a
backing from the entirety of his government and the majority of the French population. The French press, with few exceptions, has steered clear of casting aspersions onto the American population as a whole, and has directed criticism to the government instead, focussing on certain distinct issues that the French government stands against. Blair, on the other hand, is this week facing mutiny from within his own government, and has a majority within the Commons only because of backing from the opposition, not even within his own party. With well over a hundred members of Parliament signing the petition against war, it would appear that Blair and Bush have dissent within their own countries they should be addressing. There have already been resignations within the Labour party because of the stance that Blair is taking, and threats from others to follow suit.

Blair's position has not gone dovm well with his French counterpart.
French veto would be an unfriendly act and an indignant one on the part of an ally. It would have grave consequences on the relationship between the two states." A carefully worded threat?
Chirac, unlike Blair, has the
Chirac has been given the role of leader of the sceptics who do not share the opinions of the Bush administration. He, and his numerous allies, including a sizeable proportion of the British and US public, is intent on exhausting all other possibilities before declaring war. Chirac is also more willing to allow the first resolution to run its course, rather than predicting its outcome. It is shameful that the US administration and the American press has not been able to accept that they do not have complete influence on the rest of the world, and that other countries are just as entitled to their opinions as the US. The sooner the White House realises this, the sooner real negotiations and agreements can be made. Until then, the childish bully approach will prolong the stalemate that is being witnessed now. Olivia Mantle is a first year undergraduate studying International Relations. This is her first article for B:link.
A UNIVERSAL CRISIS
Ben Chapman on a situation where Blair is the only winner.
OK, I apologise. I am going to talk about the Tory leadership crisis. Just not for very long, so don't reach for the caffeine pills just yet. Perhaps it might be appropriate first off to spare a quick thought for Iain Duncan Smith. He's had a rough few months, all in all. In fact, it's been a steady free-wheel
downhill on the rickety old debacle bicycle for Captain Quiet ever since that (in)famous conference speech last October Then it seemed possible that a measured dose of calm, honest politics could even be a virtue. At least his words made headlines.
Alas of course not much further down the road, the wheels promptly fell off, the clatter accompanied by echoes
of "unite or die", leaving the Tory leader stranded somewhere between the proverbial rock and Michael Portillo's thoroughly well gelled quiff. And that's to say nothing of the opening two months of 2003 with all its sackings and further general idiocies.
True, I can't say I have a great deal of sympathy for him either.
But that doesn't mean what's been going on at Conservative Central
beaver

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ABOVE THE LAW
Question: when is a citizen not a citizen?
Answer: when (s)he is a journalist.
By El Barham
The past twelve months have placed a considerable strain on the already fraught relationship between the press and the forces of the law. So called 'trial by media' has become commonplace in today's society. Witness the exposing of Pete Townshend. A leak disclosed that a celebrity was being investigated for accessing child pornography on the Internet. A vintage rock-star from the sixties no less. The press was on the case, ready to root out and publicly condemn the sub-human scum who dared transgress the line of decency. They were going to make him pay.
In the event they did not have to. Mr Tow n s h e n d ,
with his considerable experience of how the synapses of the press brain function,
jumped the gun in a damage limitation exercise worthy of the most accomplished spin-doctor and exposed himself. The police confirmed that they were looking into Townshend's activities regarding the infamous America-run illegal website. He is likely to get a caution. The police case has not been jeopardised.
But the media's search for the ever more contentious headline - the ever more exclusive scoop - has more serious implications for society. The complete collapse of the initial trial against Leeds United footballers, Jonathan Woodgate and Lee Bowyer, proves this. Their trial was deemed to be untenable as the extensive coverage of the case, in tabloids and broadsheets alike, gave the defence ground for complaint that no jury could possibly approach the facts from an unbiased standpoint.
This is, unfortunately, just one of the recent incidences that one can cite. The list is exhaustive: Ian Huntley and Maxine Carr for example, or the numerous addresses of individuals on the sex offenders' register, brought to you by the News of the World. The press is becoming increasingly adept at placing itself as judge and jury, particularly in controversial, issue selling stories involving dirty old men defiling angelic pre-teens with wide shinny eyes and sunny smiles that look so good on the front page.
All
this has not escaped the attention of the Attorney General, who is due to consult the Press Complaints Commission and the media as a whole over new guidelines to regulate how journalists approach the reporting of high-profile criminal investigations and trials. However, the problem runs deeper than this. Journalists, in taking the law into their own hands, are displaying a culture which has pervaded the profession that seems to dictate that the reporter's first duty is to the story, not society.
This deep-rooted belief has surfaced because of the media response to the discovery of run-away schoolgirl Naomi Mills and her probationary policeman partner by David Ross, Highland corespondent for The Herald. He did not offer the errant couple he came across wandering away from a broken-down car a lift or even approach them for an interview. Instead, he took the decision not to risk the couples' eva-


Pete Townshend
sion of the authorities, but to act as a model concerned citizen and report their whereabouts to the police, a decision for which he has been castigated.
Tim Luckhurst, writing in the Independent dismisses Ross's article about his discovery and the arrest that followed as a "letter of resignation" due to its lamentable journalistic worth. He argues that reporters are independent, committed to the free flow of information. They should not let considerations such as the law get in between them, and through them the public, and the story.
Luckhurst's argument does have some merit. He emphasises that when reporting on war, for example, it would be disastrous and detrimental for journalists to reveal their sources in tribunals. Here he has a case: it is indeed better to bring awareness of situations such as genocide and other war atrocities to the attention of the international community, who can then take action to stop it, rather than be instrumental in the capture of a few residue on-looking officials. In circumstances such as these, the benefits accrued by prioritising the story and protecting sources and informants outweigh the disadvantages of letting a few small fish slip through the net.
But for poor Mr Ross this argument simply does not apply. What far-
Stories before morals?
reaching, vitally important benefits could have been gained from his interviewing Mills and boyfriend Brooks? None, bar approximately 750 words in The Herald and a possible temporary amelioration in its circulation figures. What did society gain from his decision to call in the police? The calling off of an expensive search combing the area and the safe return of a fifteen year-old girl to her family and the apprehension of her, lawbreaking, twenty-two year-old partner. For the media, who take such a moral stance on child abuse to the extent of encouraging vigilante attacks on suspected sex offenders, or those who just happened to have moved into their former homes, this was surely the right thing to do.
Journalists are part of society, whatever they may choose to believe. They are not in some strange way exempt from abiding by its rules. Those rules are that the law comes first, the story second. As for the circulation figures, they should not play a role at all. In situations where getting the story published would not result in a greater benefit than blowing the whistle, journalists should act as one would expect any bystander to act: report to the police, not the paper.
El Barham is News Editor for the Beaver. She is a first year undergraduate studying Government and History.
Office isn't important. The truth, often overlooked, is that quite simply, the problems plaguing the Tories (and specifically the problems surrounding their leader) are just as crucial to the Left as they are to the Right. While IDS continues to flounder on the slippery rocks of irrelevance, there remains a vacuum where there should be pressure on a decidedly shaken Labour government. Except when I say government of course I mean Tony Blair and his allies on an increasingly marginalized right wing of the Labour party.
While well over 100 Labour MPs will sign petitions and perhaps
even vote against Blair and his war, there is despite this unlikely to be a leadership contest in the foreseeable future. Why? Because as yet Labour MPs are not in sufficient danger of losing their seats to merit a change to the status quo. The Lib Dems do not yet pose a significant electoral challenge, and the Tories are, at present, simply nowhere. In short, the only way Labour's traditional Left can hope to regain influence within the party and over Blair, or whip up momentum for change is if IDS gets his act together. It's simply no use revelling in the walkover that is the Opposition any more; its ineptitude is at present more a hindrance than a help.
As for the Tories, it remains to be seen if IDS can turn it around and do the job he was overwhelmingly elected to do. It seems unlikely however that the electorate can ever have confidence in a man who has made so many monumental cock-ups, leaving the wider public with an enduring image of a divided party that just can't seem to get its act together. The problem however is that another drawn-out party-wide leadership election has the potential to be an even greater disaster. The grass roots will never elect Ken Clarke, no matter how great his dreams of Number 10, while David Davis is accused of being
an obstacle to the kind of reform the party desperately needs.
Perhaps it's time to look to a younger generation - the Damian Greens and Liam Foxes of this world. Perhaps it's time to bring back good old William 'Keep the Pound' Hague, only this time with a decent image consultant. And a sensible strategist while we're at it. Or maybe the Tories should just forget about this political lark altogether. At the moment the real winner in this right proper crisis is of course our conservative prime minister, Tony Blair.
Ben Chapman is Editor of B:link.

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THE DEATH OF YUGOSLAVIA AND THE ASSASSINATION OF SERBIAN PREMIER
By Patrick Murdoch
On Friday February 4th Yugoslavia ceased to exist when its parliament voted to replace what remained of the federation with what was simply called Serbia and Montenegro. Along with the overthrow of Milosevic in October 2001, the decentralization of Yugoslavia into two republics was a critical step towards regional stability. However, this week a key architect behind these reforms, Serbian Prime Minister Zoran Djindjic, was assassinated.
While criticized by many for his support for the Serb cause in Croatia and Bosnia, Djindjic was the principal force behind organizing a coalition in 1999 that forced Milosevic to accept to defeat. This had the twofold effect of dissolving the dream of a greater Serbia and at the same time bringing one of today's most horrific war criminals to justice.
Replacing Yugoslavia with a more decentralized federal union was mainly intended to appease the tiny republic of Montenegro and eliminate its demands for independence. Billions of dollars have been spent in attempts at crafting a democratic state and avoiding the fragmentation that could lead to a domino effect, encouraging secession movements in other precarious regions such as Kosovo.
The peace agreements established by the international community and local leaders such as Djindjic mark some of the most extensive attempts of political engineering to date. However, the official end of Yugoslavia a few weeks ago received little attention from the international press. After a decade of Balkan intervention, the enormous media attention given to the Balkan tragedy seems to have run its course as the violent demise of the 'Yugoslav idea' reaches its end.
UNRAVELING THE 'YUGOSLAV IDEA'
The birth of the 'Yugoslav idea' dates back to the collapse of both the Ottoman and Habsburg empires after the First World War. The resulting Yugoslav constitution created a centralized state dominated under Serbian rule. However, along with the notion of a unified Serbia, the Yugoslav idea gave rise to the potential realization of Croat, Slovene, and Bosnian national self-determination projects. Consequently, during the following two decades Yugoslavia remained an uijstable union-leading to its complete collapse with the German invasion of Belgrade in 1941.
After the Second World War, a second Yugoslavia was rebuilt from the
ashes of the first. In 1945, Josib Broz Tito declared a socialist Yugoslavia, creating a federation of six republics (Croatia, Montenegro, Serbia, Slovenia, Bosnia-Herzegovina, and Macedonia).
Social and economic reforms under Tito were initially successful. Tito's institutionalized multi-national federalism claimed to have solved the
Zoran Djindjic
nationalist problem by decentralizing the division of power between Yugoslavia's six entities. Economically, the communist elite of Yugoslavia encouraged a hybrid model of market socialism, which combined a more centralized socialist model with the liberal market systems of the West.
However, after Tito's death and the fall of communism, the second manifestation of the Yugoslav dream began to unravel. By the early 1990s, the structure of Yugoslavia seemed to have collapsed under the weight of nationalist and populist movements alongside democratization and liberalization.
After a decade of war which claimed the lives of tens and thousands of people and left millions of others homeless, Serbia and Montenegro were the only republics which remained part of the Yugoslav federation.
SERBL^V'S CRIMINALIZATION AND DYSFUNCTIONAL ELECTORAL PROCESS
Shortly after the renaming of
Yugoslavia, Serbia and Montenegro failed to elect a president because the voter turnout remained under the 50% minimum threshold. The low turnout points to the discontent felt both by the citizens of the region and the international community.
The current dysfunctional electoral process in Serbia and Montenegro demonstrates a recurring pattern seen in international intervention efforts throughout the Balkan region: namely, the inability to change the balance of power between local and international elites. The Murder of Djindjic will only accentuate tensions brought on by the low level of legitimacy as the potential for democratically elected leaders diminishes.
Moreover, criminalization spawned by illicit trade continues to run rampant. The Financial Times estimates that 70 percent of the heroin reaching the EU comes via the former Yugoslavia, as do 200,000 of 700,000 incoming sex slaves.
The collapse of democratic electoral systems and increasing criminalization in the Balkans point to the fact that sovereignty in transitional states is not evolving in accordance with Eurocentric principles. In the case of Serbia and Montenegro, its directly imposed sovereignty maintained by the international community remains unacceptable to the masses; Djindjic's assassination affirms this point.
THE IMPORTANCE OF NOT IGNORING THE BALKANS
As increased conflict and war breaks out in the Middle East, attempts will be made to draw connections betweens international 'state-crafting' in Southeastern Europe and areas such as Iraq.
In a recent Guardian editorial, Martin Woollacott has already attempted to draw links between the two spheres of intervention. Woollacott argues, "Although arising from a determination rather than a disinclination to take action, [intervention in Iraq] could well follow the same lurching patterns of ill-deter-mined moves, unintended results that we saw in the Balkans."
While the importance of Balkan intervention should not be overlooked, its viability as a comparative model is a question that should be handled very delicately. The conflict between the international community and local nationalist elites in the Balkan region point to the fact that attempts to fit incompatible
frames of reference within a liberal crafted state often backfire.
Imposing the successes or failures of the Balkan region onto Iraq or other countries that, for better or for worse, might require 'state building' or regime change in the near distant futiire could be a recipe for disaster. Such comparisons are a process of oversimplification bound to overlook the complexity and nuances of vastly different political and cultural contexts.
Efforts at intervention have been successful insofar as they've allowed for the status quo conditions necessary for the establishment of functioning political institutions and economic growth. However, future success and legitimacy will have to be grounded not on how well reforms are imposed. Rather, they will have to be grounded on how well they allow the conflicting segments of the region to eventually come together and implement changes through their own accord. Only once this process is under way can we begin to viably access the comparative worth of international intervention in areas such as Serbia and Montenegro.
The assassination of Djindjic on one level affirms WooUacott's negative interpretation of the Balkan region. However, a stable succession of leadership and a crackdown on organized crime in Serbia and Montenegro remain possible with the help of continued international economic and military support. Such factors make it all the more critical that western nations do not overlook their past reconstruction projects as attention shifts to future ones.
Patrick Murdoch is the Beaver International Affairs Editor. Contrary to what we said last wedc, he is actually a Canadian. Apologies.

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09
FASHION - FIT TO DRESS WOUNDS?
By TansyE, Hoskins
Long has war been open to profiteering by industries, from the arms trade to toy manufacturers. Now however it appears that the fashion industry is gagging to make a quick buck on all things soldier, military and combative.
Once again 'military chic' has reared its ugly head in the shops, full
battle dress is now common place on the streets of London. What bothers me is that there has never been a fashion trend that was so far from the reality of what it sought to imitate. Not even the 'peasant chic' of last year that saw daft Kings Road heiresses believing they were dressing like serfs for the day.
Seeing a couple of 13-15 year old girls dressed to kill - literally - I imagine their conversation:
'Hiya, had a good day? what you been up to?'
'Oh you know, the usual - had my nails done at eleven, reduced a school full of children to charred corpses at twelve, phoned Jason at one, fouled up a snatch and grab operation at two, went to the cinema at three and now I am going home to batter my spouse to death as I can not rehabilitate into normal society as a result of all the macho brainwashing I have endured.'
'Cool, have a nice day.'
The girls continue on down the street ready to pump lead into skulls. According to their t-shirts they are a 'Girl Patrol' and that is what soldiers do.
Of course everyone has the right to wear what they want. I am sure
people genuinely believe that their 'Restricted Area' t-shirt (you know the one with the pictures of barbed wire fences) is harmless. I am merely suggesting that people team their little combat skirts with a gaping head wound or an amputated limb. I hear on the fashion grapevine that chemical burns are going to be huge next season - goody just in time for the next use of depleted uranium.
This is fashion that could have been designed by Britain's desperate government. High street shops aiding the militarisation of society, the wool being drawn over our eyes. Warm the public up to the idea of war - it's sexy and fun. Before our very eyes war is turned into something safe and sanitised and friendly - suitable for children. Also once you have the t-shirt you might as well join the army itself right? My request would be to ship the fashion designers off to a field hospital and have them surrounded by the blood and the pus and the stumps and the bums and the stench and the overwhelming reality of death. Then see if they can stomach dressing kids up like militia.
To look at this from another angle, it was whilst walking through some shops that it finally hit me - the fashion industry is at long last showing its true colours. Fashion like few other areas is a realm where people are blindly obedient, people literally wear what they are told to wear. An obedience that reeks of the military. Now fashion is
commanding people to dress like soldiers and like mindless dolls we will follow. It is utterly fitting that an industry that has so much power over people's minds should finally give that order.
Let's have a rebellion in the ranks this time, why not mutiny and declare that you will not be forced into regulation khaki. Do you really want to look like a recruitment poster for Evil Oppressors Inc? 'Abacha chic', 'Hussein haute couture' 'Mussolini's Milan' 'Fashion - Stalin Style.' Soldiers kill people on command for a living - that is the inspiration for this trend. I suggest a revolt.
Finally I would like to point out that this flooding of Britain's shops with faux military gear could not have come at a more ironic time. A time when real British troops set off for combat without a decent pair of boots between them.
Tansy Hoskins is a leading member of the growing left-wing feminist movement at the LSE. She helped organise the petition against the Beaver's controversial 'Guess the Breasts, Win Pom' feature.
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Orfer iUcfeemabie vour Haibern $UmY^
2i4 Shafworv Avenue

Subway have just opened its new store in Holborn (just opposite High Holborn halls) and to celebrate we're offering a speciaLdiscount to LSE students.
All our bread is freshly baked on the premises, and prepared by one of our sandwich artists - so called because every sandwich is a work of art! And to accompany the subs - which you can have from 6" to 6 ft! - there's a variety of great tasting fillings, salads, snacks and hot or cold food.
Buy a carbonated drink (Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, Tango or 7-Up) and you're welcome to help yourself to as many free refills as you like!
We're open from 8 each morning, through to 11pm on Monday and Tuesday's and through 'til midnight the rest of the week - including Sunday's! We've got 7 sandwiches that have less than 6 grammes of fat, so we're an ideal stop-off for a healthy snack after a good night out.
We're just opposite High Holborn halls on the north end of Shaftesbury Avenue (behind the theatre).
EDfTORIAL
And so we, at last, come to the end of term andttie end of the beaver for this year. Its my last editorial of the year and it is the usual custom to do a round up of events that has happened recently. However I have never been one to stand by convention, and this editorial will prove no exception. So instead of the usual 'that-was-the-year-that-was" nonsense I will just have my usual nonsensical rant about the ills in this world.
I'm going to start of with comedy. TV comedy is one of this country's national treasures. From Python to fawlly Towers to Only Fools to Alan Partridge to
edited by Justin Nolan
Phoenix Nights and to the Office, we have always manage to produce top quality homegrovm television comedy product. That is okay, I'm happy about that.
What I'm annoyed about is the severe lack of decent stand-up comedians that now exist. Whenever you got to the Comedy Store, or our own Chuckle Club, you can have a slight giggle at the range of comedians on offer, but thats about it. They always tend to tell the same joke, over and over again i.e. "My Girlfriend left me today..." or "Have you ever noticed....". I'm all for observational comedy, but it has reached its apex with Peter Kay and top see up-andcoming comedians trotting out the same tired old cliches is disappointing. What 1 want is some angerfuelled comedians like Bill Hicks and Chris Rock to moan about the injustices in
the world,:hot simply to observe it. We are about to go to war, ths: world economy is crumbling, poverty and social injustice abound, yet you wouldn't have thought it listening to these pisspoor British comedians. 11 shouldn't all be doom and gl(x>m, but to simply ignore it and trot out nob jokes is irresponsible. We need social critics at a time of our greatest need.
Ah well, glad I've got that off my chest.
Anyway, hope you've enjoyed the section this year, thanks to all those who've helped with the section, par-ticulariy Mike Burn, Eleanor Keech, Tom Miskin and Dalia King. Thank you for reading this, see you next year.

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For our final top ten of tire year, we have gone in house and let Jazmin Burgess list her top ten albums of all .''/^Uinne. So until then, farewell my lovelies! Never eat yellow snow!.
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Cursive
¦The Ugly Organ
I Intense, apocalyptic rock that has some of the best riffs you'll : encounter this year.lt may only be March, but Cursive's fourth - album Is already contender for album
4

Cave In Antenna Eagerly awaited
new album from Boston's finest hardcore troubadours, with guitar parts to make Fugazi proud
3
Reggie
The Full Effect
Under the Tray
Crazyily insdane keyboard-heavy antics from The Get Up Kids' James Dewees. with songs such as 'Apocalypse WOW!' and 'IVIood4luv' you'd be made of stone if this didn't stimulate at least a giggle.
Hot Rod Circuit Been There Smoked That Retrospective by one of the best post-punk/powerpop bands around.
5
N*E*R*D
In Search of
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It may be a re-release but is worthy ofa 11 the praise in teh world, as Pharrell William's crew lead the way into the new form of crazed beat fueled hip hop.
The Blood Brothers
Burn Piano Island Burn
Not to be confused with the hit west end musical and onsisting of memebers of the legendary Waxwing, The Brothers' seconda Ibum is a kick-ass mix of hyperactive vocals and great melodies.
7
OK Go
OK Go
More than complete debut album from Chicago's finest up and coming art rockers.
8
Koufax
Social Life
Koufax show that pianos aren't just restricted to uncredible artists such as Elton John, instead combining brilliant piano btunes with infectious alternative rockp
9
10
Liars	AC/DC
They Threw Us In a Trench..	Back In Blackl
If electro-dance is the new	Okay, so it may not have been
'genre to watch' then The	released this year, but its Liars are the most original, timeless, enough said, innovative and accomplished band to exist with-.
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TSIS
Frank Turner interviews liardcore's brigiitest stars.
"Because we come from a heavy music background it's just associated with the idea of fucking meatheads who like to go and beat each other up in the mosh-pit and don't give a fuck about anything else," says Aaron Turner, guitarist, singer and mastermind of Boston's Isis, with obvious irritation, over a pint in a central London pub. As founder of Hydrahead Records, Turner has been a central figure in the renaissance in heavy music that's been going on quietly in the last decade. Having watched seminal bands such as Converge, Cave In and Discordance Axis blossom under his care. Turner decided in 1997 to make his own musical mark on the scene, pulling in Aaron Harris (drums). Cliff Meyer (electronics), Mike Gallagher (guitar) and Jeff Caxide (bass). However, from the beginning, Isis seems to have moved in wider circles than some of their peers.
"I want to make it very clear that Hydrahead is something very separate from Isis," insists Turner. The distinction is not just personal. "I think when we started out we had a communal vision of starting a band that would offer something a little more than standard," says Caxide, and in this they have certainly succeeded. Those unfamiliar with Isis' sound might well be surprised with the textured, hypnotic, almost ritual wall of sound they pro-
duce. It is a style that is clearly borne out of a common background in the metal and hardcore punk scenes, but my attempts to dig deeper in terms of influences than bands such as Neurosis and the Meivins is fruitless. Finally, Turner concedes that "we've just opened our doors a little wider as time has gone on, and accepted things outside of heavy bands in terms of influences." This apparently includes not only a wider musical spectrum, but any number of books, films, and so on. Almost the only name-checks I can get come from Caxide, who says "If you think of all the bands like Pink Floyd. Led Zeppelin, or just any band that's been truly interesting, they draw inspiration from a variety of sources."-
The mention of Pink Floyd is a pertinent one. given that Isis' two albums. Celestial (2000) and Oceanic (2002), could be described as concept albums. I cautiously suggest this to the band, expecting protest, but they enthusiastically agree. "We try to write music that thematically fits together. We wanted to create something that is a piece in and of itself," says Turner. They are certainly not a band given to singles, as most of their songs clock in at over six minutes. But the band seems undecided on the question of mass appeal, with Harris asserting that it's "really
important that we can appeal to people beyond the metal or hardcore scenes." while Turner insists that their music is deliberately inaccessible to the masses. However they choose to frame the matter, the fact remains that they have been moving into new territory of late, playing a headlining European tour and signing with Mike Patton's Ipecac label. Ipecac has a reputation for being eclectic and artist-orientated, something that Turner describes as "an ideal situation." While fel-low-Bostonians Cave In have gone on to major label success (a subject that furrows brows around the table), Isis see themselves firmly in the independent camp. "1 don't ever want to be in the position where someone is dictating to us." scowls Harris.
So where now for Isis? The show I attend in London does justice to Turner's assertion that Isis play "music that has a very physical impact," as rich waves of harmonics wash over the quietly stunned audience. But is this a one-trick pony? The band disagree, pointing to plans for DVD's and even books. Most importantly, though. Turner's parting shot is a simple statement that "the next record will be better than the last. Better and different."






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SOMETHING CORPORATE
JAZMINBURGESS chats with the hyped up Californian post-punk rockers..
Current darlings of the music press, Orange County's Something Corporate are looking set to be the next success story for the infamous Drive Thru Records. Although the majority of the Drive Thru records roster shares a distinctly 'punkpop' sound (think New Found Glory. Midtown and Fenix Tx), what is different about Something Corporate is that they have adapted this sound by adding a strong piano influence, to produce music that is as hyperactive as the traditional punk sound but also bittersweetly melancholic. Its likely that this break from the traditional sound is what's made the band so adored by the press, letting them stand alone as refreshingly different but reassuringly familiar. It is however this sound that has given rise to the suggestion that perhaps Something Corporate are slightly misplaced amongst the Drive Thru Records bands 'we don't necessarily 'fit in' with the other bands' sound' states bassist Clutch, but I definitely feel at home, Drive Thru's like a family! We're all really close!' Its this close knit situation which led to Something Corporate bringing label mates Homegrown along for their sold out UK tour, and helped them get 'immediate' fans from Drive Thru's established fan base 'On our first tour in America, we had an immediate set of fans who came out to see us just because we are on Drive Thru!' gushes Clutch, 'we hadn't even released anything and there were still kids coming to see us. It was amazing!' No doubt the 'Corporate have had a similar reaction in the UK, judging by their fans' enthusiasm at their recent London show at the Mean Fiddler. However, despite the 'freshness' of the UK audience. Something Corporate have been touring since the release of debut album 'Leaving Through The Window' just over a year ago in the US. So the question does arise about whether the band are tired of touring this album yet? 'We're not bored of touring. But it would be
good to get on to do the next album, have a bit of change' states Clutch 'There are boring parts of touring but as a whole its never boring. And the UK tour's been going really well' he continues.
When the band do finally get off the road, they'll be faced with the task of recording that 'difficult' second album 'I think we'll continue with the same sound' states Clutch 'Its going to be a little different, we're all really excited and anxious at the same time about it!' Having sold 130,000 copies of their debut in the US, it's a wonder if the band will feel any pressure in the recording and releasing of their second album? 'Not really!' laughs Clutch 'well maybe we do, but I don't really look at it that way' he continues 'I look at it in the way that we're growing and moving in an upward direction'.
Whatever the case, you can't deny that Something Corporate's UK fanbase is currently expanding at a rapid rate, with new single 'Punk Rock Princess' looking set to hit the Top 40, Something Corporate have no reason to feel pressure on the UK shores. 'To see kids at places we've never been before just makes me feel great,' states Clutch "It blows my mind that all these kids are turning up so far away from home!' With reactions like that, it seems that in the UK Something Corporate's style is set to go stellar in the next few months.And with such affection towrard them, it shouldn't be long before the Stateside success translate to Europe. And bearing in mind the effort the band have put into touring, and the strength of 'Leaving Through The Window', they definitely deserve it.
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Red Hot Chilli]
Paul Kirby checks out the legendry Chilli Peppers
Without wanting to come across all hyperbolic it has to be said that I had been waiting for this day for quite some time. So, by the sounds of it, had the 20 or so teenage girls who stood behind me squealing their mid-pubescent appreciation as the Red Hot Chili Peppers took the stage. No sooner had the ringing in my ears abated than the re-assuring sound of Flea's bass kicked in. And then the magic started. And didn't stop for two hours.
The fact that this band has achieved enough success to be able to open with the hat trick of By The Way, Around The World and Scar Tissue is high praise in itself but the Chilis are not a band to rest on their laurels. The energy of their live shows has reached almost mythical proportions and while the sheer size of their audience may subtract something from the intimacy of the experience [a couple of hundred 14 year olds screaming "Anthony I love you!" during one of the few emotive improvisations that John sings alone being the most obvious example] the desire of the band to impress is almost palpable.
What is not in doubt is the ability of the ChUi Peppers to deliver musically, not only in terms of power and visceral energy but in terms of soul and pure passion. Kiedis continually engages in a form of hyperactive Tai Chi, leaping about the stage and swivelling his body like the frantic antagonist in some Bollywood epic. At times his face is so contorted in expression that he seems in pain. Frusciante lives through his guitar, improvising solos and new motifs in most songs, his lower lip perilously close to bursting as he bites down on it in some kind of orgasmic release. Flea dances and swerves, his torso dripping sweat, his crotch thrusting as he occasionally breaks it a frenetic, flailing dance, never missing a note and miraculously never colliding with his band mates. All the hits were here [Otherside, Zephyr Song, Can't Stop, Californication, Give It Away], the show unsurprisingly heavy on newer tunes. Blood Sex Sugar Magic was somewhat disappointingly only represented by four tracks although they shone [I Could Have Lied and Under The Bridge bringing the house down] and the group seems to have banished the excellent One Hot Minute album from memory [undoubtedly because Frusciante wasn't a part of it]. But strangely it is the moments between the songs, the improvised jams, the altered intros, the new melodies, that elevate the concert beyond the realms of a glorified music video and into the sphere of an inspiring musical experience. The punky rendition of Seek and Destroy was outstanding but one of the highlights has to be the customary 10 minute end of show jam, Frusciante on the floor in front of Flea, fingers a-blur, bouncing ideas off each other, trading licks, music as expression of self. Euphoric.
Legal Beaver



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Judge Jules comes to the Beaver
When LSE Law graduate and formidable disc jockey Judge Jules returned to LSE to open the new Beaver and puLSE (LSESU Media Group™) offices, MIKEBURN was on hand to take the luminary alumnus aside for a quick interview. Here are the results:
MB: How are you Judge Jules?
JJ: Well I am an 'alumnus' apparently as it's not alumni; that's plural so I've been told. And I should be educated enough to know that! Anyway I used to go to LSE a while back: 'Back in the day' as we say in DJ land and this is actually only the second time I've returned here in more than ten years -1 came to DJ once in the Quad about three or four years ago - apart from that I've not returned. It's nice to see the way things have changed and they have changed dramatically since I was last here.
MB: Did you enjoy your time at ISE?
JJ: I did enjoy it although \ used it, to an extent, as a vray of giving me time to develop my DJ career. I was doing amateur DJing before I came to LSE and spent three years here doing Law and did come out with a degree but spent an awful lot of time in clubs and DJing and collecting records in the middle so I wouldn't say it was the major thrust of my life. I'm from London and obviously when you go to university in London it isn't quite the same life change as it is if you don't happen to come from that place.
MB: Did you have any intentions of practicing Law when you came to the School?
JJ; I always wanted to be a DJ, I was academically able enough, not saying 1 was great, but I ws able enough to get a degree in Law and I come from a family most of whom have degrees and family expectations demanded that I got a degree but I didn't particularly want to be a lawyer.
MB: What or who inspired you to become a DJ?
JJ; 1 would say it's not an individual that inspires you to play records. When you're 17 or 18 it's quite cool in your immediate social circle to have the largest music collection and to be in control of that intimate social hub and determine what gets played. When you get beyond 18 it starts to look a bit anoraky and anal having this huge record collection; an uncontrollable vinyl / CD music addiction. At that point you need to go out and become a DJ to justify your continued obsession.
MB: Is the buzz you get now whilst DJing still the same as when you first started out?
JJ; The physical buzz of connection is exactly the same but what is different is that being more well known as a DJ I can be a little bit more adventurous and try new things; when you starting out you can't do that.
MB: Where you involved in puLSE as a student here?
JJ; When 1 was here puLSE didn't exist. I was involved in LSESU radio which was effectively an illegal pirate radio transmission box which was* attached to a couple of decks and a mixer. It was such a basic set up that it actually blocked out every other single radio station in the local vicinity! And I'm sure the department of trade and industry, radio investigation squad were keenly looking out for us whilst we were broadcasting - there must have been a whole raft of complaints from local residents.
MB: What do you thini< of the rise of the DJ into a superstar?
JJ: There's been talk over past six or seven years about the so called 'superstar DJs'. I don't think me or my peers intended things that way. I think the media kind of developed that as it was a nice convenient way of selling copy a certain journalists be accredited with creating a new genre of performer. What makes the top DJs different is that the vast majority of leading spinners make their own tunes and are quite musical these days.
MB: ts it a logical thing for a DJ to progress to becoming an artist and making tracks?
JJ: It almost works conversely at the moment in that if you don't make records you're unlikely to get noticed and ascend up the notional league table of big club DJs. Just about everybody to have broken through in the past five years has been noticed as much for making great records.

singles
AUDIOSLAVE UKE ASTONE
Pertiaps the title should be "tike A Stoner". as this is a surprisin^y meliow choice for the next sin^e from supergroup Audioslave. "Like A Storje" shows off neither Tom Morello's awesome ability to play guitar, nor Chris Comell's gravely voice, and seems to be a wasted opportuni^ with so much talent in this combination of Sound Garten and Rage Against The Machine. It is less power driven, less ftinky, less catchy and generally less impressive than first single "Cochise", but having said that, there is a good tune hiding In there somewhere, it just takes a few listens.
JONDE-KEYSER
3 DOORS DOWN WHEN I'M GONE
1 got Just about excited about reviewing this single as 1 would eating a can of baked beans. 3 Doors Down have recycled almost as many of their own songs as Oasis, This ttack just proves this rule. You*re better off seeing Hem^ Grover this Wednesday at the Underjground Bar. Same voice, better musical talent.
SAMOOl
BEAT PUSHER FEAT. WHRANDA BRAINSBY MURTO

REDHOTCHIU PEPPERS CANT STOP
fresh off the back of their huge gig at London Arena, this is only the 9th official Chilis single release. Not much new to be said about "Can't Stop" - it's a fairly standard Peppers tune which is both catchy and musically accomplished, but then we'd expect no less from the original funk-rockers. "Can't Stop" is one of those singles that tell us nothing new about the band but serve only to remind us that they are still there, producing high-quality pop songs despite the sea of crap hip-hop and garage rock that dominates the charts.
JONDE-KEYSBR
JUST JACK SNOWFLAKES
Another middleclass 'poet' claiming to represent urban Britain's hidden soul. This was presumably written on his gap year in the south of France. Though the lyrics come nowhere near Mike Skinners' (do you count the !e»/es when they fall?), the man can write a tune, and the remix, sampling Lullaby The Cure, deserves its XFM airtime.
SARAHTAYLOR
Eight and a half minutes of drum 'n bass with ;^st the rigit mix of electrbrtic sampling. Uplifting, subtle and definitely chill-out. This is sort of tune t need to wake me up in the morning. However, that's this entire track's good for. A wee bit repetitive and frankly, not the stuff that causes you to break down in tears of happiness when ; you- .listertrtb it the::firstflniie.
SAMOOl
DYSFUNCTIONALS PAYBACKTiME
Following in the venerable footsteps of Babylon Zoo and Mr. Oizo, The Oysftjnctionals are the latest t)and to soundtrack a Levi's ad campaign. Just as with 'Spaceman', the short bit on the advert (the one with people with mouse heads driving cars, using phones and selling cats) is OK: there is a suitably aggressive t)eat and bass line, complete with bleeping in the right places. But stretched over three minutes And just as, with a chorus of 'It's Payback TlmeL..P-A-Y-B-A-C-K!', this is an aural atrocity of which even Jas Mann would be ashamed. Having said that, it'll probably chart at number one for five months.
DANIELGROTE
B2K &P PUPPY BUMP, BUMP, BUMP
Prepubescent B2K drop a R.Kelly produced track with erm..» 'help' from the lyrically challenged D.I.D.D.Y ("man she can move it, love when she dance to the music, make me wanna stand like a poo! stick" (?)] Guitar-hook infused beats and lyrix demanding the usual... ladiez asses to go bump, bump, bump (duhhj.
SIMYPRAKASH
JENNIFER LOPEZ & LL COOL J ALL I HAVE
J-to-the-L-0 sux the life out of an old skool track and regurgitates yet another sexycool-song with obligatory catchy chorus. LL pitches in with a smooth talking delivery. The pouty ones pull it off and this track is destined to get overplayed, hit #1, disappear and gather dust.
SIMYPRAKAS
THE STAR SPANGLES STAY AWAY FROM ME
If this garage-rock phenomenon must continue, it's a good job bands like The Star Spangles are out there to bring a bit of excitement and originality to the scene. Adapting that sound that has been so epitomised by The Strokes et al, 'Stay Away From Me' oozes er>ergy and has a much friller, more complete and less 'tinnier' sound. Although, it would probably be impossible to avoid Rolling Stones comparisons. on the basis of this single, The Star Spanges appear to be refreshingly different to the usually monotony of NME endorsed bands out there currently.
JA RULE FT. ASHANTl MESMERIZE
Barlqr Ja & Co. serve up another cut re-usin the same of same of crowd-pleasing formula (w/ the exception of a til bit mo' raunchy lyrics from Ashanti,"Luv it when u thug me baby"). Fun pie but not-so-fresh.
SIMYPRAKASH
JAZMINBUR6ESS
EL HULA SONGS OF VIOLENT LOVE
El Hula make quite a show of their versatility, doirjg not only 'emotional' (Eyes of Blue), but also 'humorous'{Honalula). These are rendered with self-conscious bluesy guitar playing and singer Blair Jollands' best impression of Scott Wfeilker, studiously maintained even whilst blurting out such irtane absurdities as "My comfort zone's in an ice cream zone / And I'm licking it like a bone'. Truly awful.
PINO LENNY VS THE HOUSEMARTINS CHANGE THE WORLD
Featuring Beautiful south man Paul Heaton, this song offers much main stream appeal and has already been an 'essential new tune' on radio 1 for 2 weeks, with it's smooth vocal and catchy rhythm it'll be played on many a clubs dance floor.
JOSSSHELOON
DANIELGIWTE
COBBiMM SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT
THE PLAYWRIGHTS TEt£VISION IN OTHER CITIES/THE ME DECADE
Martin Corrigan (how original) has already received highly favourable reviews from Kerching, sorry, Kerrang. Officially 'one to watch', if largely overlooked by NME so far, him and his six-strong band of noisemongers have been compared to Ntek Cave and Joy Division. Personally they remind me more of cheerier post-punkers like Mclusky. Recommended. From 'How to hang off a rope', due put in May.
'Do you miss the war?' is the third and by far the best song of this double A side release. The vocals of Aaron Dewey which appear so monotone and rythmless pn the first two 'post-pop' songs are replaced with a gentle riff which leads into a guitar driven crescendo.
SARAHTAYLOR
JOSSSHELDON
-•..v: .>	J.-«yv ^
IVICHOI\IKY!
I Am TfM» M*tt»iah

MRR fTIRR SUPERSTRR
? ow f"EiEii-flflWWWt
IIIISHT
'^irm
AT THE CLOSE OF EVERY PAY ZALING ZIJN OE ARMEN VAN GEEST
RELEASE DATE: 24/3/03
Leeds is good for many things: Pies, pints and now Norman records. Lord knows how this northern independent label stumbled across "At the Close of Every Day", a group hatting from Holland and cofirtprising of Axel Kabbord and Wtnco Eggersman, but good on them as their debut "zalig zljn de arnrien van geest" - Blessed are the poor in Spirit if ydiit' Dutch needs touching up a bit - is a highly assured one, their sound comparable to early Smog, Sparkeihorse and Arab Strap.
Not that you can judge an album by its cover but this one happens to be a bleak desolate landscape coated in a thick layer of fog. It ¦Isn't Leeds. The music here certainty is forlorn at times; stow soft mumbling vocals often sing o\ er a dark brooding backdrop of instru pentation. But it isn't al! gloom and doom by any means. Some of •the tracks are brilliantly positive: optimistic awe inspiring gems which you never tire of. "The Glory of Ignorance" is a captivating track entirely composed of layers of gentle gorgeous guitar lines intertwined to startling effect. "Deadline with Hatred" is in a similar tender track which gently builds.
What is admirable here is that each track is quite short. Whereas groups like Godspeed make epic half hour tracks which pass through every mood under the sun, here each track is captures a specific aura; a snipet of a mind frames which is easy to identify wth.
There is an excellent array of tracks here; nearly alvrays sparse but continually swelling and subsiding, passing through a spectrum of moods; often emotional, sometimes melancholic but continually uplifting. (8)
NEILGARRETT
MC HONKY I AM THE MESSIAH
HAR MAR SUPBISTAR YOU CAN FEEL ME
	
	0- j»c<cS i il
HOT HOT HEAT MAKE UP THE BREAKDOWN
RELEASE DATE: 31/3/03 REt£ilSE DATC: OUT NOW
Despite the rather contrived Pomo irono R&B from.an entirely ; 'mystery' surrounding MC unattractive balding fat man.. Honky's true identity, it would HaroldjMartin Tiltn>ann is Har Mar seem utterly implausible given Superstar: the new Prince? The the tone of this release that the album's title Is'a reflection of the; 'rumours' of E from the Eels' sleazfe Har Mar tenders; more of involvement are false. For there an offer than a statement, are characteristically 'Eels' noises here. More significantly, the This is most certainly ironic, most influences that have always certainly unsubstantial and defi-been at least partially evident in nitely not one to be taken serious-E's work are now brought res- (y. f?ecent single Power Lunch is ¦ olutely to the fore. So, while the album's only highlight and the there was something hip-hop- only track which is slightly more pish to the rhythm of much of than completely disposable. With the Eels back catalogue, their its synth squelch groove and music was not, as is this record, abundance of lude conrjotations it; structured around the breakbeat stands out far more than the; and the sample. More specifical- ipseudo studio reconstructions of ly, while some may have noted a vartous genres found elsewhere-debt to Beck in, say, 'Susan's on tite album.
House', there are many cases
here of not so much glancing ref- The music is a poorly assembled erences to as blatant mimicry of mash up of electro, sool, funk and Mr Hansen: 'Hung Up' and 'My R&B and lyrics are trite and Bad Seed' could be stuck on the cHchSd but deliberately so^ ®ts ; end of 'Midnite Vultures' and no would be excusable if something: one would notice, as the vaguely interesting could be taken ^ Honkmeister recognizes, parody- ftpm tills recoitls; a scathing cri-ing himself in '3 Turntables & 2 tlqufe for Instance. As this is the* Microphones'.	only thing w^ich You Can Feel Me
^n pretend to be other than irreverent nonsense. You Can Feel Me is perhaps the worst of what post modern culture has to throw at us. Har Mar Superstar is befyond the joke and beyond a joke.
But however organic E's transition to hip hop may seem, the miserable record of rock musicians foraying into other genres (remember Bowie's drum 'n bass phase?) means that the altogether decent quality of this album comes as a pleasant surprise. It is certainly not original: as well as the similarities with Beck, there are some very DJ Shadow moments. But given the dance floor appeal that runs throughout, combined with moments of fleeting beauty, as in highlight 'Baby Elephant Rock-A-Bye', that doesn't matter all that much.(7)
Trying to grasp the exact tone of the irony is the listeners' biggest challenge here. The precursor to the understanding and enjoyment of Har Mar Superstar is undoubtedly his position as an unattractive, white antithesis to the super sexy bling bling world of modem R&B. Whether or not this translates into anything other than flippant throw away irony is debate able. But perhaps I've missed the JJOint. (4)
DANIIELGROTE
MiKEBURN
HOT HOT HEAT MAKE UP THE BREAKDOWN
RELEASE DATE: 31/3/03
Signed to the seminal Sub Pop and hailing from Vancouver, Hot Hot Heat are currently one of the most promising bands of 2003. Rating The Cure as one of their main influences i, n a time where the whole emo/post hardcore/electroclash/garage-rock {delete as appropriate) sound has been way overdone, its a welcome change to have a band that embraces such light-hearted music. And the alternative scene has always had a void for band that can make fans DANCE. So, if Hot Hot Heat can fill this void, they're doubtless on to a winner...
And it looks like they've achieved this perfectly. On the basis of their debut album. Hot Hot Heat exist perfectly alongside bands such as Les Savy Fav and The Rapture. Because 'Make Up The Breakdown' is an eclectic mix of crazy beats,synthesisers and heavy guitars. Undeniably stand out track is 'Save Us SOS' which is one of those 'get up and shake your ass ' songs that would fill the dance for in a minute. Surprisingly, recent single 'Bandages' is by far the weakest track. Not that its bad, its just that Hot Hot Heat have managed to produce nine other tracks that are far more complete, insanely brilliant and maniacally energetic (such as the fantastic 'Get In or Get Out').
; Although the music scene has almost reached with all these 'electrodance' bands. Hot Hot Heat have enough charisma and talent to make them stand out from the crowd. They don't quite touch the standards set by bands such as Enon and The Liars, but on the basis of 'Make Up the , Breakdown' they evidently have a first-class repertoire. And considering this is their debut album, this is doubtless an impressive feat. (8) JAZMINBURGESS
MAtKWUS AND THE
PIG UB RELEASE DAm: 31/3/03
With Pavement Stephen Malkmus carved him^if a heavy dollop of everlasting indie alternative credibilt-:ty and ri^itfully so; Malkmus is a songsmith of the highest order and his intelligent: (locally and mosicaily) songs resonated with a generation gitwtng up on the fodder Pavement provided. When Malkmus released his eponymous debut in 2001 it was greeted by fans of Pavement with open ears; it wasn't merely a regur-i gitation of Pavement but an extension and exploration of what makes Malkmus so great; His ingenuity and creativity which lends itself so well to song.
Pig Lib then was to be the further extension of Malkmiis's talents and indeed it is to an extent but there are problems latently embed-, ded in ttiis record. The cohesion o| Malkmus's songs seems to have b^n diluted with a certain compliant icy. None of the songs included here are great; they mingle around aver-'^e and this Is not what we've come expect fi^ such a great fi^re of scene. The first six tracks lazily open the album with nottjing to them| that especially grab attention. They: lack a certain fdciis and are wardly inconstant. -Dark Wave' then inteijects with an injection of pop excitement and bouncy effervescence to relinquish the frankly frightfully boring first half of the record.:
'Watch Mountain Bridge' sees Malkmus on top lyrical form witti astute and epic characterization and metaphor. And guitar playing with more playful conviction than in any of the previous tracks. '1% of One" is a higilight of Pig Lib albeit precociously prog clocking in at an oafsonne 10 minutes. But it is the album's closer which reminds us of Malkmus's true and unquestionable: talents. 'Us' is an intricate slice of Americana.,
Stephen l^lkmus's credibility is interminable but the consistency of ttiis album is partially tentative to say the least. The less than great half of Pig Lip can hopefully be put down to eccentric experimentation and will not bode badly for future Malkmus reconjings. The better half,, however, willfully indicates the shape of things to come. (7)
MIKEBURN
WIN A MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTION!
Ban^, is the new monthly nnusic magazine focussing on bands such as The White Stripes,The Datsuns and The Dark,. .and publishing articles by writers from publications such as Q, Loaded, Kerrang! and Melody Maker.
The first issue hits the street on March 27th, with cover stars The Raming Lips, to celebrate its launch, we have a years subscription to the magazine, plus runners up prizes of Bang goodie bags.
To be in with a chance of winning, answer this simple question:
Who recently appeared on Top of the Pops playing bass with The Raming Ups?
n:>S ONLY EOCK<N> ROE E-mail your answers to J.D.Burgess@lse.ac.uk. winners will be notified by e-mail by start of next term.
¦ m I
ell here we are: it's the end of Lent term and this is my final issue of The Beaver. So many hours have I put into this section... balanced out) by so many hours of free films I've seen this year (best job in the world ever? Weil only if I got paid...). To top it ail off, I thought I'd run you j through some of my favourite films of all time (not ranked though, that would be far too hard to decide which one beats them all). If you agree
1.	Sophie's Choice - A powerful, but lesser l<nown holocaust film (in the face of Schindler's List - also a favourite). Meryl Streep plays a Polish mother whose involuntary choice is horrific, but I don't want to give too much away there...
2.	Bugsy Malone - Splurge guns! Need I say more? And the songs - TV and films form so much of our childhoods...
3.	The Matrix - The lobby scene. Cue guns. Lots of guns. Keanu has to thank the Wachowski brothers for so much, he was reincarnated to do what he does best: kick ass. And Trinity - a convincing female action hero (so very few and far between in film history) at last! I could go on about it for hours, but I'll spare you.
4.	Dogma - Kevin Smith's usual laid back filming style was taken up a gear with this skilfully written and hilarious commentary on modern religious beliefs. It got a lot of flack for being "anti-Christianity" but I wouldn't agree at all. Smith has made so many fantastic films covering blas6 youth culture, but here we can see that he's put real thought into this fantastic creation.
5.	Th Silence of tiie Latr.bs - few films scare the shit out of me time and time over. Hannibal Lecture makes other psychopaths look weak and homely. Jodie Foster in her best role? Forget the sequel and the remade prequel - this is all you need for Lecture thrills.
6.	The Italian Job - Caine is a hero of mine, and this was him at his peak. Maybe not his strongest film when compared with Alfie and Get Carter, but who can argue and say that the Minis weren't jolly good British fun?
7.	GooctfeHas - Yes I'm really keen on the Godfather, I but I love Goodfellas. It's got that flashier element] that mesmerises me.
8.	Being John iVialkovich - Spike Jonze made us all sit up and listen, by showing us that films would be off the wall and well made at the same time. An distorted narrative structure but a coherent plot. Confusing but absolutely rewarding for the viewer.
9.	It's , Wonderful Life - wholesome, but much deeper than a typical film would analyse the deterioration of a man's life. And hopeful. And it makes you wake up and realise that life isn't so bad after all. I know that's a cliched thing to say, but until you see it you don't realise that that truly is the message of this film.
10.	IVIouiin Rouge - Baz Luhrmann made the ultimate girly film. The soundtrack was amazing and innovative, the choreography stunning and the costumes adorable. And love, love lifts us up where we belong...
Admittedly there are so many other films I could have chosen here - this is by no means a definitive list of all my film preferences. I've not included such : greats as The Big Lebowsl<i, Pulp Fiction, Great Expectations, Edward Scissorhands, Star Wars, Alien and Aliens, the Indiana Jones trilogy, American Beauty and Grease -1 could go on but I have to stop somewhere. If you've not seen some, or indeed any of these masterpieces then, as Terance might say, you have to rectify this major discrepancy in your life. Get to the next HMV sale asap and spend your overdraft as the heavens intended - on film.
Phone Booth
ANNASEKULA: Is taking a call from Colin
Director: Joel Schumacher Starring: Colin Farrell, Katie Holmes, Kiefer Sutherland
Running Time: 81 mins Certificate: 15 Release Date: Uth April...
Doesn't everybody love New York and Colin Farreil? Combined together, they are the essence of Joel Schumacher's new film Phone Booth. It's only 81 minutes (compared with Lord of the Rings it feels about as long as an episode of Friends), set during one NYC afternoon. The events occur almost entirely within and around one of the city's last working phone booths - the final occupant being Stu Shepard (Farrell). Cocky, conceited and glib, by answering a call from a serial killer, Stu sparks off a chain of events that leave his
ear bleeding and a pimp dead. Cue the pigs with a mini-army of sharp shooters eager to take out the armed madman the hookers claim shot their beloved pimp Leon. Enter Captain Ramey (Forest Whitaker), the only one to question why the supposed loony hung around the crime scene. It's not long before tourists, TV crews, his wife Kelly (Radha Mitchell) and lover Pam (Katie Holmes) come to watch. Now the crazy caller has more targets to get trigger-happy with.
In a short space of time and a small cast, Schumacher creates thick tension, forming much, if not all of the film's atmosphere. Farrell makes for a believable slime-bail publicist, but the so-called Bronx accent is unconvinc-
ing (certainly no|Jenny from the block). The rest of the cast have little chance to shine.
Phone Booth, not^as intelligent or compelling as thei.director's other films, like The Client, tries and fails to be a psychological thriller. But it is strangely similaf to NYPD Blue and does make jme rethink a future of living in America (where undoubtedly some|whack-job will want to recreate Ae movie), it's not that I dislike e%ier the film or the series, but thei|:combined portrayal of the city, colipled with conspiracy theories of |ig Brother-like surveillance, leav^ me uneasy about returning home to NYC or living in any big city for that matter. So maybe we'll settle for just Colin Farrell instead... |
t. *????


I

Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
JUSTINNOLAN: George Clooney rights some wrongs
Director: George Clooney ! Starring: Sam Rocl^well, Drew Barrymore, Julia Roberts, George Clooney
Running Time: 113 mins Certificate: 15 Release Date: OUT NOW!
Confess/ons of a Dangerous Mind is George Clooney's directorial debut, and is based on the semi-autobiographical memoirs of Chuck Barris, who produced the American TV shows The Dating Game and The Gong Show. He was also, according to him, a CIA operative performing assassinations on behalf of the American Government, using the prize holidays won by the lucky couples on The Dating Game as a cover to perform this activity. Whether this is true or not is never really made too clear in the film, though there are insinuations made that this is merely a figment of Barris's fevered imagination as he believes that he is something more than a mere television oroducer churning out tackv
garbage for the average trailer-trash American.
Sam Rockwell is superb as Barris, giving a performance that makes him seem sympathetic as well as loathsome (at times Barris seems almost unbearably misogynistic). He dominates the film, though he is given excellent support by Drew Barrymore as his long-time love interest, Julia Roberts as a !| fellow agent and would be femme fatale, and Clooney himself as the agent who hires Barris.
It is as a Director, however, that Clooney really shines, displaying a visual and storytelling flair that does little to betray the fact that this is his first time. The script, by Charlie Adaptation & Being John Malkovioh Kaufman, is excellent and the film proves as enjoyable a viewing experience as I have witnessed in a long while. Humour and pathos are mixed in equal amounts as Barris' rise, fall, and then rise again are documented. So, in sum, I highly recommend this picture to anyone and everyone. Go and see it.
?????
Barbershop
DALIAKING: Can Ice Cube cut it?

Director: Catherine Breillat
Starring: Anne Parillaud, Gregoire Colin
Running Time: 92 mins
Release Date: not for ages... 13th June
Catherine Breillat's Sex Is Comedy takes place on the set of a film, exploring the numerous and various difficulties encountered by a director when trying to get the most out of their actors in difficult circumstances. The plot is fairly straightforward - entire movie is centred around the filming of a love scene.
Clearly, with such a limited storyline, the strengths of this film aren't going to lie in any clever twists or big special effects. The intrigue is very much character based and the central character, the Director (played brilliantly by Anne Parillaud) is the pivot around which her various other creations interact. Parillaud is convincing and undeniably
Director: Tim Story
Starring: Ice Cube, Anthony Anderson, Cedric the Entertainer, Sean Patrick Thomas, Eve
Running Time: 102 mins Certificate: 12A
Release Date: OUT NOWl ._
If a man can't talk his mind in~ the barbershop then v^here can he do it? So says Eddie the veteran barber in Calvin's shop who's been there since the days when Calvin's father ran the place. To him the barbershop is more than just a place to get your
sexy. She struggles to deal with the clashing personalities of her prima donna cast, but nevertheless does so In an exceptionally intimate and personal manner, leading you deeper into mindsets of each character.
hair cut - it's an integral part of life. Everybody else sees it that way as well - everybody but Calvin who thinks it's just a waste of his time and the likes of a recording studio would suit him much better.
So with that in mind, he sells the shop to a local loan shark (who has the most incredibly large teeth) for $20,000. It's only after the money passes hands that he realises how important the barbershop is to th^ comm'umty and he tries to give the money back,-but the man of the large teeth and dodgy clothes is not having it. Calvin can get his barbershop back, but only for double the price
he just paid out earlier that morning.
1 had wanted to see Barbershop ever since it was advertised state-. side because it looked hilarious and I'm always up to seeing a black comedy where the language isn't vulgar and not everybody is already a convict (Hmmm, 8 Mile suddenly springs to mind). The cast mixes stars of the movie and music screen with some .fresh young faces and none of them dis-.appoint. It's 97 minutes of fun and I'm hopjng there's more like it to come.	-
Sex Is Comedy
Breillat's attempts to showcase not only the difficulties of making a film, but also the fascinating nature of human relationships, between giving orders and receiving them, and the subtle nuances expressed by differing personalities toward each other, is indeed admirable. However, In displaying "the confusion of feelings that fly around like free electrons on movie sets", she manages to do little more than just that. The character interactions created by Breillat are almost literally all this film has to offer to its viewer. Perhaps this kind of production would be better suited to theatre. Without much real solid con-
tent, the plot never reaches . > third gear. When the credits hit . IVI in after just 89 minutes, you can almost hear the audience saying to each other "What... is that it?"
But despite it's seemingly premature ending and mildly disappointing denouement, this shamelessly French film (with scenes that include long narratives about the pros and cons of fake penis-es, and the male lead getting all het up about the prospect of not wearing socks on set,) is actually strangely enjoyable. It doesn't really go anywhere, but for some reason Sex Is Comedy gave me a reassuring glimpse at humanity that i took great pleasure from.
-kirkirCi
MATTRYAN: Raised a smile
Antwone Fisher
SfMONCLIFF: Denzil Washington's directorial debut
o:
Director: Denzii Washington Starring: Derek Luke, Malcolm David Keiley, Denzei Washington
Running Time: 120 mins Certificate: 15 Release Date: 16th May
scar in hand, I reward for his tremendous performance Training Day, Denzii Washington makes his directorial debut with the true story of Antwone Fisher, starring newcomer Derek Luke as a troubled naval officer with a tendency for V i o -
i
ri.
lence. And with Washington portraying the naval psychologist assigned to evaluate the dlsturtoed young recruit, the film promises to deliver both an emotional journey and some powerful dramatic performances.
Washington and Luke are exceptional in their roles. Fisher leads us through an abusive childhood to his present inability to control his emotions. {Luke shows much promise for his future career - look out for this one). And Washington manages to balance his character's marital difficulties and military seniority particularly well. However, it is his role behind the camera where this film begins to show weaknesses. Washington's turn at directing does, at times, pull off some emotionally potent stuff, particularly the film's conclusion. But often, his lack of artistic know-how does become apparent, as does the inexperience of the film's scriptwriter, none other than one Antwone Fisher: yes, you guessed it, it's based on his life story.
The film lacks adequate development of character and plot, leaving the audience wanting more than they actually get. This is also true of the supporting perfomiances which, lack a sense of any real purpose. And whilst the musical score is both soothing and touching, it's not used often enough to bring colour to the work it illustrates. A real shame; it's a film you want to like, to love even, and you just can't bring yourself to do either. To compensate, the film could afford to be another half hour longer. That said, what is conveyed emerges as a thoroughly decent attempt at honest filmmaking, a promising if not entirely memorable first attempt Washington, with some scenes of real acting brilliance, and a story of hope and inner-strength that the real-life Antwone Fisher should be damn proud of.
on pure merit and another % for being bloody honest.
Director: Tian Zhuangzhuang Starring: Wu Jun, Xin Bai Qing, Hu Jing Fan
Running Time: 116 mins Release Date: 16th May
Springtime In a Small Town is a remake of Fei Mu's 1948 classic that, according to the bumph, is considered to be the greatest Chinese film of alt time. The new version is not the greatest film I have ever seen. However, it was highly atmospheric, emotionally powerful and left you with a feeling of near total calm. It is dominated by lingering shots of the characters staring wistfully into space. The main female character spends an age on the top of the old city walls, a dramatic horizon, gazing over the river. The acting, initially, often leaves you doubtful but by the conclusion has built a highly emotive story in which you feel genuine sympathy for all of the characters.
Those whose experi-	¦
ence of Chinese cine-	11
ma doesn't extend	II
much beyond Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, and are expecting similar fare, are in for a disappointment. Springtime represents the opposite end of the spectrum of filmmaking. There is minimal violence and not even the hint of any of the characters flying round town. Set in China in 1946, the film focuses on a young couple, Dai Liyan and Yuwen. They live with Liyan's younger sister (who makes a highly annoying entrance as an overexcited IS year old school girl but improves as the film moves on) and their servant in a stunning, relatively intact family ancestral home. The marriage is in trouble as Liyan and Yuwen are growing further apart, to the frustration and unhappiness of both. The arrival of Liyan's friend (who unbe-
Springtime in a Small Town
agon, and are	WILLTAYLORi Samoles Chinese life
arA in fnr a Hie.	¦
knownst to Liyan, was Yuwen's first sweetheart) brings events to a head.
Very little actually happens in the film. It is a story of unfulfilled love. Scenes build towards almost making a connection and touching. But not quite. Suppressed emotions dominate. The scene with greatest dramatic impact involves the breaking of a window. In the context of the rest of the film it is extremely powerful, even shocking. If you want a light and happy night out then this film is not for you. But if you're feeling reflective then it is a beautifully made, highly charged piece of cinema.
Director; Anthony & Joe Russo Starring: Sam Rockwell, William H Macy, George Clooney, Luis Guzman
Running Time: 86 mins Certificate: 15
Release Date: 25th April_
Such a strange comparison: Welcome to Colllnwood and Confessions of a Dangerous Mind. One falls flat on its face; the other is going to be big. Both have George Clooney working behind the scenes: the former with him as executive producer alongside Steven Soderbergh; and the latter with him as director. Of course, Clooney has a small role in both. Unfortunately, Welcome to Colllnwood is far from a decent film. The narrative seems to promise quite a lot of fun but it delivers so very little of this. It's based around a gang of misfits who attempt to break a difficult-to-reach
safe full of money, cue lots of mishaps and quirky yet lame comic quips. The individual characters each bring something different to the plot whilst joining in with the heist - the bumbling old fool Toto (Michael Jeter) who literally gets caught with his pants down, William H IVIacy playing Riley (good performance, if he'd been made more central it would have given the film the lift it needed) as the lone parent raising a baby, Sam Rockwell playing Pero (thank God I think he's fit, he was one of the few things that kept me conscious during the entire film) playing the smooth talking charmer, plus a load of other forgettable performances. Clooney plays a wheelchair-bound safe breaker and he was perhaps the amusing character in the whole affair, however he's only in it for about 5 minutes.
Welcome to Collinwood
ELEANORKEECH: Isn't planning a heist like this
I really did wonder what Clooney thinks he's up to, making such a dismal film which really isn't doing him any favours. However he redeems himself nicely with the far more promising Confessions. In fact. Welcome to Coiiinwood is blatantly only going to have a small release, well timed to coincide with Confessions. Don't feel compelled to part with your hard-earned (?) dosh at the cinema to see this mediocre film.
M- ic

Russian Ark
TERANCELl: Appreciates art?
Director: Aleksandr Sokurov Starring: Seigei Dontsov, Marfya Kuznetsova, Leonid Mozgovoy
Running Time: 99 mins Certificate: U Retease^DatejJHHh^^
Tills is a unique movie. Shot in one take could only mean it was certainly an ambitious idea. Set in tlie Russian State Hennitage museum in St Petersburg, it's a unique tale of a 'time traveller' who witnesses some of the most famous incidents in Russia's past.
This film is a work of art. Like 2001: A Space Odyssey, it's not so much con-cemed with story telling but with inspiring an emotional response. The beauty of the Hermitage museum is revealed in all its splendour but the camera moves too quickly for the brain to register what the eye is seeing. Many people will scoff at this film and dismiss it as being one of those talking guides you can get for art galleries but to do so would be folly.
The film could be seen as pretentious, there isn't really a plot. It's difficult not
to become frustrated by the direction : and the lead character is most certainly annoying. I found myself being frus-; trated in trying to understand what was: going but enjoyment only came when I sat back and let the images wash over me.
Allow yourself to watch something different and I can guarantee you will enjoy it. More than anything seeing the first film shot in one take is worth the ticket price alone. The film literally ends on an opus.
?????
Pure
lONMARTEA: Far from innocent
Pure is a story about disintegrated families and victims of drug addiction. Mel (Molly Parker) becomes a junkie after the death of her husband and leaves the fate of her family into the hands of Lenny (David Wenham), Upton Park's local pimp and drug dealer. Paul (Harry Eden), IVIel's ten year old son, is the main hero who tries his best to ensure the safety of his younger brother, and the health of the helpless parent. In spite of Paul's efforts to stop mum's dependence on heroin, Mel does little to keep her family together. Only at the sight of her stoned child she decides to give up, and predictably succeeds.
Gilles MacKinnon (Regeneration) creates a film in which the moods of the character are expressed elegantly in the use of intense colours being juxtaposed to blurred ones; drama and passion are juxtaposed to comedy and joy - all creating a mixed psychological tableau, in which the parents need to be taken cared of, and the children excel in their moral superiority. Alison
Hume's script, based on a detailed research of drug-addicted mothers in Leeds, tries to combine the independence of the capital with the community spirit present within West Ham's supporters, in order to achieve the dra-
matic impact expected from films that tackle similar themes.
The effect is far from expected. Although Harry Eden tries his best to impress in his struggle between understanding of and love for his mother, there is still quite a bit to go to challenge Haley Joel Osment. Arguably most characters tend to seclude too
Director: Gillies IVIacKinnon Starring: Molly Parker, David Wenham, Harry Eden, Geraldine McEwan
Running Time: 96 mins Certificate: 18 Release Date: 2nd May
easily into stereotypes, and remain shadowed by the overall picture. The only decent cast is Molly Parker {Kissed, IVIen with Brooms), who manages a most memorable performance, particularly when she ends up admitting: "I know I am a shit mother. I never say it, but I always think that. I love you". At the end of the day she proves that "a junkie mum is better than no mum".
Pure is a film that would appeal mainly to the families with similar experiences, but may be of little interest to the general public. The one touching thing is the soothing soundtrack, which tends to give an optimistic feeling to the story in the lively piano tune. Otherwise, the film is too pure to be disembodied, though many might disagree. After all the Berlin International Film Festival Jury had to have a few good reasons to honour it with two Manfred Saizgeber Awards.
mr t's last few words
Competition Time! double bonanza for the end term!
Are you a fan of Robin Williams? If so and you want to get hold of one of the two copies we have (big thanks to 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment!) to give away of One Hour Photo on DVD, then all you need to do is reply to beaver-f1lm@yahoo.com with the answer to this very easy question: "Robin Williams played an Alien in which American Sitcom?" Get your answers in by Monday 24th March. The DVD is out to buy on 31st March 2003.
Or would you prefer some X-Men enlightenment? X-Men 1.5 - The X-Treme Edition of the original film, will be out to own on DVD from 31st March. It's the perfect way to prepare for X-Men 2 this summer... However if you'd prefer not to part with your money, take your chances and enter our formidable competition; email beaverfilm@yahQO.com with the answer to this question; "What is Wolverine's real name?" As before, get your answers in by the 24th.
I t brings a tear to my eye as I write this, my final column, it has been a tumultuous year from highs such as meet-. ing Danny Boyle and to ; lows such as watching The Quht American. Nonetheless:;.;; I. ¦: have-r eli]<^ed; itijfeelf thwough-; ly. but rather ttian say a grand farewell i shali end as t started, with a meandering series, of thoughts. :
Writing this col-umn has allowed me to vent my ¦ gjjlm anger to a much wider audience than ; rudimentBry shouting would allow. Never be afraid to voice an opinion,: Always be prepared to ai^ue your case even in the fece of open hostility.; Stick- tO; your convictions and iet those who disagrei? with you -be , damned.;;!: have, certainly: . b^n;. met with hostill^^ towards nty views in the : past and^i; #n: no douBt expect more in the future but the sirnple ;fact: is I take great pleasure in my arrogance. •
My mind boggles when
I'm asked "are you mr t?" (not a nickname that t came ;:up with, but Eleanor seemed to think it was funny) of course it's me, my picture is at the top of the column you idiots. It enough to make me want to dance a merry jig on their broken skull.
j constantly glance , over my shoulder to look at my DVD collection to ^^^^seek Inspiration.
Films such as ifii S07en,: Ffght Club, American Psycho , Roshmare, Dusk till Dawn, Out of HpF Sight and Happy GWmofe have made me the person I am today. I am , most certainly a child of the movies.
I began in my first column with the hope I . : would "educate, inform and entertain you". Well I certainly hope you have all enjoyed reading my column as much i have' enjoyed writing it,
"It's the pressure. (can't take the pressure, tike the time 1 killed that
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The Roman Actor Reviewed by Keith Postler
Writer; Philip Massinger Director: Sean Holmes Running Time: 3 hrs (including interval) Venue: Gielgud Theatre, Shaftsbury Ave Curtain Time: 7.30 pm Dates: March 6-7,13-15,18-19
London is awash with plays by Shakespeare and his contemporaries for the nonce. A good chance to acquaint yourself with London and its historical associations, more of which later. The playwright Philip Massinger (1583-1640) is in the lists as chief dramatist at Shakespeare's haunting ground, the Globe Theatre, from 1625-1640. So he knew his craft; 15 plays by his own hand are extant of the 55 we know he wrote, 18 of the latter in collaboration. He worked for The King's Men, the principal London theatre company, performing at their venue, The Blackfriar's Theatre. 1626 saw the first performance of his The Roman Actor there, a play that Massinger himself considered his finest although one of his comedies has proven most popular and is still performed today too. The title recalls the body of Roman Plays that Shakespeare wrote. The themes of power, pol-
itics, and honor obsessed the playwrights of the time, who used Ancient Rome to encapsulate these themes.
In The Roman Actor Massinger presents the topos of The Fall of Princes and writes in the tradition of The Revenge Tradegy. The play deals with the revenge of Domitia, a Roman Senator's wife, on the corrupt Roman Emperor Domitian for killing her husband in order to make her Empress. As well it takes up the moral dilemma of opposing a tyrant. The plot is immediately accessible, one understands the action clearly. No knowledge of Roman History is necessary. The play's themes speak to the world of today and directly to problems in Iraq, for instance. The work is not all doom and gloom, however. Massinger plays with his audience and pokes fun at Shakespeare. Whereas Shakespeare in his revenge tragedy The Tragedy of Hamlet presents a 'Play-within-the-Play', Massinger's work has 3 inset plays-probably a world record-thereby outdoing Shakespeare. You get a lot of theatre for your money. In addition the staging (costumes and set design) suits the acting: the acting suits the action to a tee-a
benefit which only ensemble performance can consistently produce. The RSC offers it here in full force.
LSE is near hallowed theatre ground: in 1722 Lincoln's Inn Fields Theatre put on 5 performances of The Roman Actor. Stroll to Blackfriar's and peruse the blue plaque marking the site of old Blackfriar's Theatre. Visit Southwark Cathedral, where Massinger lies buried in his grave. And get yourself to the Gielgud for The Roman Actor.
Asoka Reviewed by Ruksana Zaman & Dani Ismail
Writer/ Director: Aloke Devichand
Producer: Scott Douglas
Asst. Director: Tas Ahmed
Stage Manager: Roz Jacobs
Cast: LSESU Drama & Indian Societies
Asoka tells the age old story of a brotherly feud, gone a little too far. Set in India, a long time before Christ was around, we see two princes battling to be king. The old brother, Susima, is a power hungry creep (even his wife and mother called him a bastard, poor sod), who wants to get rid of his more popular brother, Asoka, and plots to kill him. Their mother tells Asoka to leave, for his own safety, else she will take a vow of silence (why the hell would she do that, you might ask? Welt, we don't know). So Asoka leaves, beats a big guy called Pinkie (haha...get it?) in an arm wrestling match, using his brain, not his brawn, and lands himself a job on a farm and a roof over his head. I'm sure you can guess what happens next...he falls in love! He spots this ravishing beauty doing her laundry and is dazzled by her whites. She thinks he's a freak (not so typical, but this is a funny play) but eventually falls in love with him as she is impressed by his swordsmanship when he rescues her from bad guys.
Back then, it was swords, not flowers and chocolate, that got you laid. She turns out to be no ordinary girl, but Kunwaki! The Princess of Kalinga! Her parents had been stabbed brutally to death and she was on the run, for her life. Do you see the similarities between her and her man?
Even though you will never get to see this play acted out by the fabulous LSE cast, as it was on last week, we will not tell you how the play ended. Just to be annoying. We will tell you however, that there was a lot of misunderstanding, revenge, conquering, death, funny one liners and a great dance with the lovely Jalpa twirling onstage for 30
seconds...if you know her, you'll be impressed. Feel free to ask her to re-enact it in public and embarrass her. There were a few hiccups with the slide show, but otherwise everything ran pretty smoothly. It was pretty impressive!
p.s. Amit Malhotra wanted his name in print -so here you go! You were so great as an assassin and as another person with a dodgy moustache.
^^eeing that the holiday is coming up and you will not have the theatre section of the Beaver to refer to when deciding what to go see for the next 5 weeks, thought it would be nice to give all you theatre goers a little rundown on what will be opening over the next month or so. So watch out for these shows!
If 9-11, the impending war on Iraq and all other such terrorist acts of violence haven't yet completely saturated your life. Terrorism by Vladimir and Oleg Presnyakov will no doubt try it's hardest. Playing Upstairs at the Royal Court, this play closes on the 29th of March, so hurry up if you don't want to miss it.
Personally, this sounds like the shit-tiest thing to hit the earth but there may be
Theatre for Your Holidays!!
sad Clitt Richards tans amongst you, so here you go. CliifThe Musical will be <ahem> gracing the Prince of Wales stage, so that's one place to avoid like the plague, urmm,l mean go visit if you sound interested (??)
The Rat Pack opened this week at the Haymarket, and as the title suggests is an homage to Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and Sammy Davies Jr. Featuring all their great songs, this is bound to be something for everyone to enjoy.
Double Points: 1&2 Is a fast, short, contemporary dance show, playing at the Barbican Theatre. Only on for 3 days,
make sure to get tickets for March 26-29 If this catches your fancy
Sing-A-Long-A-Abba is closing on 6 April! To me this is definitely a tragedy, especially as 1 haven't seen it yet but plan on doing so sometime soon. Probably not a good idea to print this seeing as I'm not completely anonymous. But you are! If Mamma Mia and Dancing Queen get your blood pumping, (and why shouldn't they??) run along to the Whitehall Theatre at Charing Cross, wear your blonde wig with pride and sing your heart out! You can go alone, too, if you're embarrassed. I'm sure you will find fel^ low Abba lovers sitting sheepishly, so it's all ok!
Perhaps not the most comprehen- , sive summary of all things theatre, but it's good enough fornow.
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Author: Colin Greenland	
Publisher: Transworld	
Date: March 2003	
^Price: £6.99	J
COLIN REENLAND




So, you're in your late 40s. You hate your job. You don't hate your wife but you're not head over heels either. One morning, still in your pyjamas, you hear on the radio a song from your past. It's from the 70s when music was still music; when you were young and idealistic and in love. In love with her - the woman from the song; the woman from your past.
A past that seems so far away now - almost like a dream. Long gone are the days of peace love and dope. Now you're living in your own slice of suburbia and there's no turning back. Or is there?
If you're Christopher
Gale; it's easy enough. Instead of going to work, go to find that woman from that song. Find her and recapture your life. This is basically what 'Finding Helen' is about. Chris wakes up one morning, hears a song from his old love and has-been pop star Helen Leonard on the radio, and sets out with the plan of driving as far away as he can with the hopes of somehow finding her there, somewhere - on the shores of a beach, smiling at him and waiting for him. Greenland interchanges flashbacks into Chris' life with Helen with tales of his current journey in search of her twenty-plus years on. As the
trip continues, Chris' resentment and anger at the turn his life has taken also continue to grow.
Colin Greenland is the author of a number of praised science fiction and fantasy novels, and with this, his first dip into the contemporary mainstream, he delivers a novel about 'lost innocence and lost dreams'.
In the beginning, I wasn't sure what to make of Chris - was he a lunatic? A fool? Someone with serious problems who needed to see a doctor as soon as humanly possible? Truthfully, I still don't know what to think of him. But that's because Greenland does not force his own
opinions on you as some other authors may do. He gives you the story and you take from it what you will. It wasn't an up-all-nighter page-turner for me, but if the reviews (by others more esteemed than myself) are anything to go by, I'm in the minority. I enjoyed 'Finding Helen' because it was different - and it's not often you get a book with an original and readable plot these days. After you wade through all the chick lit drivel, you're almost always too depressed to read on, but this gives you something to look forward to.
Dalia King
Just Ths Fae'tS.
Author: Danielle Steele I Publisher: Transworld Date: March 2003 I Price: £6.99
m
With her spectrum of bestsellers, Danielle Steel is the novelist who has stood the test of time. Her novels are undeniably unforgettable and crosses all social and temporal frontiers because she deals with the themes of love, friendship and tragedy which have never ceased to touch the chords of humanity as a whole and adapts them to the cultural changes of the contemporary era. In The Cottage, her compelling best seller, she traces the lowest ebb of the ageless wonder of Hollywood, Cooper, who had no other alternative to rent out part of his life i.e. his cottage to some strangers to improve his financial predicament. A
series of misfortunes struck him until he eventually discovers a new shimmering of hope and glory with his friendship towards Victoria, the new houseguest which evolves into true selfless love. Added to this, with his career in its dying days, he gets a new and promising role. On a scale out of 10, Danielle Steel deserves 11. Realism is the pervasive aspect of her novel: at no point will the reader be disappointed by glimpses of cheap sentimentalism because this is totally alien to her. We are made to feel the most privileged since we are the witnesses of an altar of real love and bonding friendship. Far from being didactic.
the novel grips the attention of the reader because the tone is far from solemn albeit the fact that issues pertaining to human kind are dealt with. Everybody does make mistakes in life. Should we all be given a second chance to take a new turn? Is there a place for forgiveness to soothe a guilt-ridden mind? Or should we just stifle the miserable experience and be hardened in our steel clad armour? All these recurring issues In the novel are dealt with great aesthetic and artistic unity without the readers feeling clogged in a mass of details: thereby depriving them from enjoying the subtleties and wit which pervades all across the
novel. Fans of Danielle Steel, this is definitely another fantastic novel to add to your collection!!! Fantastic opportunity to help you while away the time constructively.
On an additional point, I'd like to use this space to categorically state that Danielle Steele is not just for women!! You don't even have to be a man with a 'sensitive' side to read her - you simply have to be an enthusiast of good books. Nobody ever claimed that she would change the world, but she does give you a damn good read. And that's all that she's supposed to do isn't it?
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Tired of London?
No need to be tired of life! SARAHWARWICK and KATIEDAVIES survey the best muso pubs, comedy clubs, things to do around Holborn...and make
yourself feel better by hearing about someone else's disasterous date!
Top Ten...Pubs with Live Music
It's Saturday night and you can't decide. Gig with your boyfriend, pub with your mates? Gig with your mates, pub with your boyfriend. We can't tell you who to go out with but we can solve all your venue problems with these Top Ten Pubs with live music...
1.	Barfly at the Monarch 49 ChalkFarm Rd, Camden
Excellent venue if you don't mind crowds. The accoustics are great but watch out for bouncers with chips on their shoulders
2.	The Puzzle 177 Fulham Palace Rd, Hammersmith A real fun Pub: games, internet, food, big screen TVs and live bands every Saturday
3.	Bull and Gate 389 Kentish Town Rd, Kentish Town Live Rock and Indie music every evening of the week. Play pool while you wait.
4.	The Beachcomber 86 Queensway, Bayswater Cocktails and Salsa Music, Open late. Avoid if you don't like Backpackers
5.	Dublin Castle 94 Parkway, Camden Live indy/rock music all week with up to three bands a night. Smoky but very lively
6.	Ain't Nothin' But Blues Bar 20 Kingly St, Soho Live mix of Blues and Rock from all around the world. Every Night.
7.	12 Bar Club 22 Denmark Pice, Covent Gdn Does exactly what it says on the tin: blues and country music as well as folk, pop, rock and acoustic from 12 every day. come for lunch and stay all day
8.	Hope and Anchor Upper St, Highbury and Islington Dark, smoky and cramped, this underground bar is atmospheric at best: claustrophobic at worst. Often showcases new acts.
9.	Limpopo Club 38 King St, Covent Gdn This one's a bit different but definately worth a look: every friday at the Africa Centre live African beats...sure to get your toes tapping!
lO.Stag's Head 35 Hawley Rd,Camden
Not for me but I'm sure someone likes this stuff, maybe you could take family from over seas: call it local flavour! Irish Folk Music and dancing all weekend! Great Thai food though
FOOD AND DRINK
Moules and Mussles In Pseudo-Brussels
BELGO Central, Kingsway & Convent Garden Reviev\/ by Natalie Marlow and Liz Humphreys
Having never found myself roaming the picturesque alleyw^ays of downtovi^n Brussels in search of a fashionable snack and a fruit flavoured pint, I'm afraid I can't vouch for the authenticity of this popular Belgian eatery. However, if you're looking for reasonably prices steak frites or a generous helping of seafood, and frankly in need of a refuel within five minutes walk of the LSE, this comfortable friendly chain is indeed worth a perusal. The menu is heavily influence by meat, offering a huge range of sausage and grills. Otherwise moules cooked in a variety of sauces and stews are really the only option. Despite limited choice the food is fast, fresh and cheap and frankly the beer is the critical motivation for a visit. A number of blonde and wheat beers are offered by the bizarrely leather-clad waiters and for the girlier drinkers among us the fruit beers are simply wonderful. After gorging on a steak so rare it'll practically wriggle off your plate, one can unwind with a vaguely amusing game of guess the Belgian with staff and friends alike. Ashamed of struggling after the 'mussels from Brussels', I normally retire at this point to one of their immeasurably comfy sofas, and watch the suited passers-by crowding into the far less interesting English pubs.
Taste: ** Originality: ** Value: ** + * Service: **** Proximity to lSE:*****
Dating Guru
'Laugh and the world laughs with you' is the message from this weeks Dating Guru. Take your new squeeze to a comedy club and prove your sense of humour is In good working order. Or prove your bravery by sitting In the front row! These are our pick:
The Comedy Store (Piccadilly Circus): Creme de la creme, all the favourites have played there; it's only a fiver on Mondays for King Gong night: and the acts are always quality. Laughometer registers blowout.
Jongleurs (Bow, Battersea and Camden Lock): I've only been to the Camden one but I assume they're much the same. The venue had funky rome and black surrounds. Massive portions of food-in-baskets and cocktails. A bit pricy though.
The Comedy Cafe (66 Rivington Street, The City): One to visit if you want a nice dinner as well. Book tables and enjoy a glucose and serotonin fuelled night out In good company. A bit expensive.
The Red Rose (Seven Sisters Rd, Finsbury Park): Every Saturday night and only a fiver for students, It's very handy for those of you who live up on the Piccadilly Line. Avoid if you're not Interested in Socialism as most of the acts get political but it does have good cheap food and drink and laughs aplenty.
Or our very own Chuckle Club. At least you'll be able to find your way home as you roll out pissed and helpless with laughter.
HAVE YOUR SAY
Here's another toe-curling example of the pain endured daily by those of us stupid enough to submit to the pressures of the dating world.
Keep them coming to thebeaver@lse.ac.uk.
I was 15 when, during work-experiance for an advertising company on an Oil of Ulay advert, 1 accldently picked up a 26 year-old potbellied ginger biker dwarf! His name was Tim and he was an artistic director and, to be fair, a funny and nice guy. But he was just SO UGLY!! I agreed to go out with him once to try and stop the stalking (He phoned me twice a day and sent flowers to my school) but invited 3 friends along to protect me! As you can probably imagine it was the worse date of all time: my friends couldn't stop laughing at how much he looked like he should be fishing In a suburban garden; he had his puppydog eyes trained on me at all times and I was desperately wracking my brains to find a reason to leave. I think eventually (after deftly dodging a couple of lunges) it went something like 'so this was nice, lets do it again soon.' I've never seen him again.
Walkiabout
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KATIEDAVIES checks out wassup around Holborn
As you take a break from the lunacy of LSE you may be forgiven for thinking there is nothing more to Holborn than Amici's and their charm school graduate waitresses. However if you stray slightly off the beaten track of the charity worker/ investment wanker high street, you may be surprised...
First off,
I by night, if you

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This poor woman had contracted the very rare mental condition: mus-selitis
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like a ghost town which doesn't bode well for those looking for distraction from the library however there's a couple of things to keep you busy...Uncolns Inn fields is the perfect place to laze around in the sun and forget about or feign to do revision (10) -also just for the girls it's a good idea to keep an eye on the tennis court as there's always a couple of Scandinavian scrumpets to keep an eye on (smaklig!!) Just next to it down Gate Street there's a nice little trinket shop called "Mish Mash" which is really good for birthday or even mother's day presents if you're so inclined. (11)

Jeffrey enjoyed the Royal College of Surgeons Museum...despite the fact he thought he was at London Fashion Week.
Wetherspoons you'll find yourself outside Pu's Brasserie (1) where you can eat a fabulous if slightly expensive Thai banquet. Othenwise back on the main street Belgo (2) is a good bet Mondays- Fridays 6pm-8pm as the "beat the clock" deal means you pay as many pounds for your main course and drink as the time you ordered it (*see review). However if you're feeling extra flashy you could also go to Bank (3) at 1 Kingsway, however I'm afraid that although this place isn't that intimidating it is just as pretentious as it looks. In terms of bars most on the high street seem a bit bland and soulless however "All Bar One" 58 Kingsway (4) is alright for a couple and Wetherspoons (5) is an obvious winner for intoxication on a budget... otherwise it might be worth wondering down high Holborn to AKA 18 West Central street (6) this is a very laid back and funky bar which has a small dance floor and on the weekends especially, a couple of very good DJs (e.g. Giles Peterson), also the beauty with this one is its just next door to The End (7) so if a couple turns into a couple more you don't have very far to drag you're dancing shoes.
However if dancing isn't your thing you can take a trundle up Drury lane and see a show... currently showing is the good old cockney knees up My Fair Lady at Theatre
Royal Drury Lane (8) and the apparently pant pissingly scary "Woman in Black" a t Fortune Theatre Russell Street (9).
That's all very well for the night, however, by day especially on the w e e k -|e n d s Holborn can look
Lunch can be found in a couple of the old mans pubs e.g. The Ivy House 8-10 Southampton Row (12) or The Ship Tavern 12 Gate street (13) they both do good pub food or alternatively you can get a take out for the park from Don Quixote on Kingsway (14) which is fabulous both day and night offering a plethora of greasy treats to the early afternoon waking up stomach or to satisfy post crush alcohol • induced starvation. Wander round the Inns of Court if history is your thing, Law students spend an hour or two at The Law Courts (15) and for those with a penchant for the weird and exotic there's always Sir John Soames' house which is stuffed to the brim with paintings, artifacts and sarcophagi (10). If you're feeling gutsy and not squeamish (probably don't do it straight after Don Quixote's) you can go for a wonder round the Museum of the Royal College of Surgeons 35-43 Lincolns inn fields (10) where they have skeletons and Embryos a plenty, and if , . that's not enough to get you back to the library I don't know what is... , . . ,

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Is your wardrobe ready for Summer? Have you noted all the new trends and painstakingly shopped accordingly? Or were you just crossing your fingers that no one would notice that Grunge wasn't back in?! Don't worry, we've teamed up with TOPMAN and Miss Selfridge to offer you the chance to win BIG fashion prizes and keep Susanna and Trinny from your door!
COypETiTIONS
TOPMAN
Topman launch a new range of suits!
Here's a blatant advert, sorry competition, to celebrate!
What have Job Interviews, Graduation Ceremonies and Summer Balls got in common? SUITS! Or more to the point, up to date quality tailoring at high street prices.
2003 sees the launch of the Topman suit range with quality fashion focused tailoring for
the high street.
The collection draws from the old and new, with inspiration harking back to traditional British tailoring methods. In-house design teams ensure up to the minute trend-led pieces - providing both quality and style to the Topman customer.
To celebrate their stylish suits, the lovely nice people at Topman have given us 50 pounds of vouchers to give away to a lucky reader. Just work out the answer to the following question, and e-mail beaver_style@hotmail.com with
the subject Topman Suit:
Stella McCartney designs for which fashion house?
a) D&G	b) Chloe c) Christian Dior
Us girls needn't feel left out this week; we've also managed to get our hands on
some of IVIiss Selfridge's new lingerie collection. Last week's referendum on our NUS membership means that we can get 10% off everything when we show our NUS card, and to celebrate this Miss Selfridge has bunged us 50 pounds worth of vouchers to give away to a lucky reader.
The new collection has apparantly "fused subtle sensuality, all things chic, fabrics oozing femininity and distinctive French overtones" - all we can say is that they look very snazzy indeed, and both FC and Justin are hoping to steal the press photos later. Whether you're wanting to treat yourself, or just show how much you like the lady you pulled at the AU Ball, entering our competition and popping down to Oxford Circus or Wood Green is the way to go.
E-Mail Beaver_Style@hotmail.com with the answer to the following question and the Subject Miss Selfridge:
Who has the most famous bust In The Beaver?

a) Baseball Girl
b) Basketball Girl
c) Netbail Girl






4




TOPMAN
www.topman.co.uk The latest fashions, the greatest discounts and all just one click away!!
Topman have relaunched their website, and now we students can get our 10% discount without leaving the comfort(!) of 0120. It's possible to order all the lastest and funkiest clothes over the internet, and have them delivered to your door - no longer will we have to trapse to Oxford Circus and squeeze through hoards of prepubescent girls to reach the mens section (though this option is still available, much to the relief of certain football players). The website allows you to quickly find the latest additions to the Topman range, and find your size without having to squint at all the labels.
To celebrate this cyberspace launch, the lovely people at Topman have given us 50 pounds of vouchers to give away to a lucky reader. Just work out the best answer to the following question, and e-mail beaver_style@hotmaii.com with the subject Topman Website:
The biggest Topshop in London is in
a) Covent Garden b) Oxford Circus c) Bond St
Beaver Fashion Special!
We were so ashamed at some of the clothes that certain members of the Beaver team were wearing, we took advantage of our Topshop giveaway and their NUS discount, and kitted them out with whatever
caught their eye.
Aqeel (top left) demonstrated his anti-war views with an ironic desert camoflage jacket. He combined this with a multi-coloured striped shirt, designed to make him look taller. Unfortunately, he still needs to practice his modelling pose.	8/10 Justin (left) as ever followed the latest trends, and picked up this hobo-chic coat. He says, "scruffiness is the new smart"
7/10
Gareth (above) wanted to look like a football thug, and cleverly combined his stylish top with an oversized Nike hat. At least he's got the pose sorted. 6/10
Think you can do better than these 3? We're giving away 100 pounds in Topman vouchers to one iucky winner - Just e-maii beaver_styie@hotmaii.coni with the subject "Beaver IVIodeis" and the answer to this question: What discount do Topman offer to NUS card holders?
a) 5%	b) 10%	c) 20%
Budget price...
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Jhe BeaverSport
Tuesday 18th March
T
The Fall & Rise Of The LSE Rowing Club
his year has seen the revival of that fine institution, the LSE Rowing Club
Two days selling my wares to wet behind the ears freshers and anyone else who would listen at Freshers Fair and the LSERC was born. With 75 members and numerous other 'possibles' it was clear that the interest was there, and that the seeds were being sown for a fine new club to extend the AU.
The next thing was the hand out of a generous budget from that fine young chap Billy Dosanjh, AU Treasurer. Cheers Billy. In the end, I decided not to blow all the money on alcohol, coke and strippers and we bought an eight, a four and two sets of oars. But damn, I could have got a lot of strippers with that cash. Never mind.
Finally, we got out training. We row on Wednesday and Sunday afternoons at Chiswick. 20 minutes from Waterloo
Station. On Thursdays, there is a circuit training session in the Old Gym for the fitness side of things.
We had a race in November, the Allom Cup, a tournament against all the other colleges in ULU. We raced Imperial Medics B and were doing well until
a technical problem caused us to slow down and we lost. Otherwise we would probably have won everything. Obviously.
By the time we had got all the technical stuff sorted and acquired a fine fleet of
vessels we got out on the water and the guys learnt how to row. A very quick crash course in rowing and they were out on the water in the eight. They have all learnt fast and now we have a good group of
blokes who know what they're doing and a good crew of guys for next year.
We had one big friendly race
against imperial medics at the end of this term, (see race report)
NEXT YEAR; SIGN UP AND HAVE A GO
Next year that club is set to go from
strength to strength. We have a good group of people and a bit of know how. The club is almost entirely made up of novices so don't worry if you haven't done it before.
We will have a men's and women's team. We have an eight and a four to row in and next year we'll hopefully be able to get some more boats. Hopefully, we can enter some of the early races and get the LSE name put about on the rowing circuit.
Rowing is a great sport and definitely worth a go. We don't train at six in the morning nor are we all fitness freaks. So if you are interested, come along and sign up at Freshers Fair next year or contact me, Will Jordan, the captain this year, or next year's captain James Eyton.
w.b.Jordan@lse.ac.uk j.g.eyton@lse.ac.uk
LSE Rowers Do Battle Once More
Finally, the glory of seeing an LSE boat doing battle and holding its own against ttKee multiple inferior polytechnics came on Sunday Imperial Medics, having bought out our old fleet and capitalised on the ignominious departure of LSERC all thiose years ago were to receive the punishment they duly deserved. It was time to unleash years of fury.
Our fine band of men, absolute novices three months ago, had trained well and leamt the fine art of rowing. They had leamt how to playfijlly dip the fimi shafts of their oars into the filtering pit of juices that is the Thames, and they had leamt to do it with style under my expert guidance. I have been dipping my firm shaft into festering pits of filth for years now and knew exactly what to do.
The allies were now as one, Britain, New Zealand and Hemant, he's fix)m India, Dubai or somewhere else. I could never quite work it out Anyway we came together to do battle. The alliance with Germany had fellen through, but we were still a strong force.
And so it came to battle. As usual, New Zealand was late to anive at ttie baffle field, but once together we surged dominanUy away firxn the bank and our boat began to cut through the vrater like a hot knife through butter.
The gkxxxjs underdogs from LSE, with superior minds and bodies, began the systematic 2000 metre punishmertt of the Imperial crew. The 2nd Novice ICMS eight was punished flxxn start to finish and barely had time to come up for air. It was beautiful.
The ICMS 1st Novice 8 never hrianaged to cancel out the handicap they had corKsded and once again remained where they t)elonged, behind us and below us. The results read like a universities league table, LSE at the top,
Imperial sonrewtiere else.
Contrilxjting to this 8 man demeaning of ttie medics' reputation was Hemant the bow man, nimble and feisty. Nick Wolfe at two show/ed up his opposite number with a fine display of technical rowing. Adrian dished out a fine can of American style wtxxjp-ass to tfiose medic
chumps, while Nick Hanrey at fiaur dwarfed ttie skinny mnts fliom Kensington Institute.
John at five took to moaning in pleasure during this ritual destnxSion of the medics. I think it was meant to appeal to his spectator girifiiend in some primeval way.. .wtiatever floats her boat John! James at six did well and relished the sight of eight medics whimpering t)ehind him. Kiwi Nick at seven did a fine job, getting back into ttie fiDW after a 3 year break fiiom this fine sport And I was great as well.. .what can 1 say
The race was one good, hard reaming of the medics, and afterwards they may well have needed to put ttieir medical skills to use with some serious reconstmctive surgery. Gmeat
It was a fine start to a productive year for the revived LSERC. We doofed all over them. It was a fine sight There are only tfiree things I can think of to say DEMEAN, DEMEAN; PUNISH, PUNISH; DOOF, DOOF, DOOF Will "Money shot" Jordan



A Fairytale End To The Season
After annihilating SBLH 3rds in our last match, we thought we'd switch back to our old ways and started with just nine players. That included a rather camp cheerleader playing his first game of the season after recovering from numerous 'sicknesses' (although the toddlers on the next pitch weren't convinced).
As per normal, we started the game well. We put this down to our new formation where we decided to maximise width by standing on the touchlines. This idea worked for all of about fifteen seconds until SBLH worked out our tactics. We realised that they had realised, but then it was too late.
Our innovative formation left us lacking any substance through the middle where Rishi was wandering around looking for a disease he hadn't yet experienced. It was obvious it was his first match of the sea-
son and that he had other thing son his mind, because when we asked him to pick up a man...
The match contained a number of notable incidents. Perhaps the most spectacular was Nosh's candidate for shot of the season. That may sound like bit of a piss take considering we've only scored like four goals all season and the fact that it was his first ever shot on goal. All the same, it was no doubt a moment that will live long in his little head. After receiving the ball in his own D, Nosh jinxed his way past three players (ok two of them were on his team) and dribbled his way to the opposition's goal. He then unleashed a blazing undercut flrom the edge of the D only to see the ball cannon onto the underside of the bar and spin agonisingly along the line before being put out for a tong comer.
That was the nearest we got to goal, until
Qasim was cynically bundled over while t)earing down on goal. The resulting penalty flick then taken by Hayden after a squabble with fellow 1st team whinger (sorry winger) as to who should take it. Hayden won the argument because he had a bigger glove. It proved to t)e the right decision, when Hayden's flick found its way to the back of the net after a calamitous error by the keeper - accidentally heading the non goal bound shot into the roof of the goal.
The game was then unexpectedly interrupted by the appearance of a streaker, who tumed out to be Matthew Kelly (who says you cant recycle old jokes). Unfortunately for him, the kids were on the pitch next to us.
Still I'm sure some of us enjoyed the show whilst others seemed put off by the 'snrall' interruption.
A special mention must go to our man at the back, the gallant Noble, who, as all good
sportsmen do, took a well deserved mid season break to the Caribbean. However we suspect that this was more to welcome the West Indies cricket team who supposedly played in the Worid Cup.
All in all, a nice way to finish the season, whipping a bunch of nancy boys to earn promotion to the dizzy heights of Division Three.
Disclaimer:
The stories, characters, and incidents mentioned herein are completely fictional. Any resemblance to persons either living or dead is purely coincidental. No similarity to any person either living or dead is intended or shouW t)e inferred. Don't steal or reproduce this story in any way without permission granted by the authors or there will tje hell to pay (Jacko that means you).
Tuesday 18th March
BeaverSport
The Fine Looking Have A Bitchta3tic Year...
Helena Ahl looks back on her final season of LSE Women's Rugby
First things first; a few corrections on Ellie's article tlie otiier weel^. I have blue eyes and I measure 38-25-36; Ellie rudely undermined my Swedish blonde hair blue eyes status, rudely underestimated the ampleness of my bosom and kindly underestimated the size of my hips and bum. (Please feel free to let me know if you think me mentioning my body is a sign of my 'dark-ages' mentality- am I objectifying myself?)
After an enormous recruiting effort at Fresher's Fair and 50 sign-ups, the season started out with, a large training squad on a Saturday afternoon. We then headed to the Church the next day for quality bonding and the first of many, many drinking sessions.
After a few training sessions and hassling for referees, our first game was against UKG. They decided to bring an unqualified ref and then thought they would take the 3 points." Idiots. F*cking idiots. We played a ¦friendly' game that was nothing but ugly and rude and painful and ended in Hannah and a farmer exchanging blows and both being sent off. This, amongst other things, sparked an immense hate for Kent. Ugly c*nts.
We went on to thrash Canterbury Christchurch. The game saw a massive team effprt across the pitch. We walked all over their scrum, which was six times bigger and heavier than ours. Our backs ran all over them with loads of tries from Superstar Kay and Lizzie, who couldn't be stopped by anyone, or anything as she scored with only
one shoe. I also got my one try of the season, off a masterfully taken quick penalty on their 5 meter line where I strolled across the try line while the opposition (and my own team) wondered what the hell I was doing-luckily enough the referee was clued up on the laws of the game. A big game by Lauren A with her dad cheering from the side-lines. We played a fantastic game and then went on to thrash them at the boat race afterwards.
win left
us a lit-
and we
had a
game
away
Herts,
a very
team.
Our rucking was terrible and we weren't able to hold on to the ball at all. Hannah had a massive game and ended it by scoring a try and, according to herself, had an orgasm on the pitch. Kristie was deadly and even tried to take a few heads off with some madly high tackles, which the ref didn't like. Unfortunately we lost our star French flanker who had been spotless in the lineout in every single game; Sophie was hugely, missed for the rest of the season.
Herts were next after the Xmas break and the game was more even this time, though it ended in a flurry of injuries, with three peo-
ple having to go off, as well as an ambulance each for Lizzie and Annie. Lizzie recovered but fly-half Annie was out for the rest of the season with a dislocated shoulder and bruised ligaments. Ellie, Sarah and Hester were put to the test and really held the game together in defense and kept creating good chances in attack.
We traveled to Kent and had a ridiculously rude reception from the bloody stupid farmers. Another friggin dirty game and we
detest them even more. Meghan had a great game and finished off by booting :
someone in the back for diss-
ing Hannah. Jo played a fantastic game and was instrumental in everything we did. We had great support from our injured players on the sidelines- commitment! We lost but hey, at least we play property, have brains, won't end up working at McDonalds and at least we're good looking. We went for dinner and drinks in their farmer's pub and we got hit :on by all their men (not that this was a significant achievement) but we walked away with our heads held high.
Our games against Kings are always fun: A tight game towards the end of the season that we almost won, but an unlucky kick
meant we tied the game 10-10. Good news though that our new scrum formation was super with Kate and Vanessa in second row (whoever decided second rows need to be tall was ignorant) and Meghan was huge at no8. Great game for Louise as she really found her form on the flank. Half-way-through-the-season-flnd Emma had a brilliant game at fly-half and we were all a little annoyed she hadnt come to play earlier!
We ended the season in style after not having finished last in our first season ever in BUSA. We played Gimperial for the Science Cup and held a very good team to a 10 all draw with only 14 and then 13 players. A huge effort by us against a team that refused to knock on or pass forwards. Unfortunately we lost the cup in the boat race that followed but I am confident the giris will win it back next year.
Would just like to finish by saying thank-you to a few people who have made my time playing rugby at LSE easier, more pleasurable, more enjoyable and more competitive: firstly and most importantly to the giris I have played with, this year and last year, it has l)een a pleasure and an honor to play with you all. Special thanks to Sarah, Ellie,^ Lauren, Jo, Kate and Jamie who played a huge role in setting up the team and keeping it going. The club would not be around at all were it not for Chris Briertey, Ed Cook, Riex Walker, Peter Drewienkiewicz, Matt McCelland and Jariath O'Hara, and it would not t)e as good as it is were it not for Darius, Ross, Mr. John "cucumber sandwich" the referee and our competition, especially Kings.
Best of luck for next year giris.
Q & A With: Cliff's Your Uncle!
With the AU Ball and club dinners the LSE Lent term is drawing to a greatly savored, hedonistic close. But even the most efficacious members of our fine athletic union are finding the inevitable exams of the Summer Term lurking like a giant tsunami wave off Antartica. Yet you needn't worry. Sir Cliffs back with Beaver Sport and is once again brandishing his experience to help us take this testing period gracefully in our stride.
1. Dear Cliff: With exams fast approaching and if my memory serves me, this means hundreds of previously unseen hot totty will soon be parading around the library and Houghton St, weather permitting, clad in either the latest Paris and Milan fashions or scanty apparel. Unfortunately, my form with the fairer sex has taken a nosedive of late, which I suspect is mainly due to my technique of relying on my father's tried and tested technique of imbibing vast quantities of gin and then regaling my potential paramour with amusing anecdote about frisky farm animals in springtime. Alas, I fear women are no longer entertained by such unsubtle sublime remarks and slobbering out that they're a "dirty scrubber" always offends. Help me Cliff! (FC Matt Trenhaile, AU secretary)
Cliff says: Well firstly Matt slobbering, swearing, offensive language and innuen-
do in Sir Les Patterson's inimitable style may get you a fly on the beaches of the Gold Coast but it will get you absolutely nowhere within cooee of Houghton St. It's a pain esp as your hormones kick in more in summer! You suddenly discover all these lovely ladies at the time when you're supposed to be revising, but also when sheilas are least likely to be up for rough 'n' tumble. Strewth, Matt, you're not the first and will not be the last. In fact,
this has been a well established ball-busting LSE phenomenon since the time of Beatrice Webb. That said, the man-about-LSE can always improve his technique with the ladies. First of ail I suggest you adopt a relaxed approach;
regaling a lady friend with steamy tales of lust is always a counterproductive strategy to employ on your typical well educated LSE lady. Always remember that a well-delivered, off-the-cuff witticism is worth at least half an hour of small talk, and so look instead to hone your rapier wit. Above all, forget all that malarky of imbibing enough gin to get a kangaroo tipsy, and hoping for the best!
2. Dear Cliff: Oi've bin managin' the 3
Tuns bar fer foyve (5) years now and am geddin' f****" sick o' fancy City c****
keep orderin' "Martinis", then whingin' that oi've not made 'em right. How the f*" am I supposed to know how to make a f**"** Martini?! Oi'll normally smash the smarmy f**"*s' skulls when they complain, but Paul keeps moanin' about the mess it makes on the bar. Tell me what oi need to know to make their precious
Martinis Cliff, before someone gits hurt. (Jim Tuns, 3 Tuns bar manager)
Cliff says: Congratulations on your decision to reform! Violence is ne'er the answer to any problem, _ least of all smarmy dags in ^suits from Cazenove's or J PwC. No sir, skull crushing has little effect on City men. If you really want to shut them up you need to beat them at their own game; namely winning at their game of "one-up-manship". Now, this "one-up-manship" is a treasured pastime among City folk, which involves one player telling another all about a subject in order to appear an expert in that field. The objective is to look as knowledgable as possible before another calls your bluff to reveal that you're actually a twat who hasn't got a clue what you're on about. Now remember, Jim, there are as many ways to make a Martini as there are ways
to skin a possum, so the potential for one-up-manship in this field is enormous. My free fact-pack Martini: Shaken or Stirred, sir? is in the post to you now and is filled with all the facts and fallacies you know about this glamorous drink. Familiarize yourself with the info, call some bluffs, and you'll win the day without leaving a single tooth on the bar floor!
At the Beaver Sports news desk we make every effort to personally respond to all your lifestyle questions. But if you've got an issue that just can't wait, then why not-give the ClifTs Your Uncle 24hr Helpline a call? ClifTs prerecorded advice-line is guaranteed to get you back on track in less time than it takes to get from your last class on Friday to the Tuns!
Drinking Dilemmas ...012345670 Brunch Bowl Etiquette ...089101112
Pulling difficulties at Crush?
...013141516
Library Protocol
...017181920
Swinging and Swapping
...084632815
Tweed
...021222337
Tripped over the lino in the Old Building? ...02079556705
(pre-recorded advice lines: calls cost 20p/min at all times)
The BeaverSport
Tuesday 18th March
LSE 3rd Team: Luvly Jubbly
This time last year at the Legendary FC dinner I promised some t)emused thirds that I was the light man for ttie job and that we will win the league for the secxind time in three years. Having shunned BUSA as the worthier cxxnpetition that it is, LSE 3's were put in a rather strange league this year. It included the likes of Holloway 2's (last years Premier 2 champions i.e. better than our 2nd team) as well as gash teams such as ICSM 3's who epitomise rutseeeeessh. Here is a game by game analysis of the blood and sweat that eamt LSE's only silverwear.
LSE 3 V Holloway Prison.	1:1
Rrstgame of the season saw Healy start up fitxit Healy was very insisted on his starting role and the managanent found it hard to bring his dream to an end. This was the worst we have played aU season.
Key nnenxxies: Guflluame had no boots and sid everywhere. Healy caHed their coach'Adolf as Stoakes tried to bring the rBf(Gremrin) on for Eddie the Eagle. Our goal, flukey Dion Dublin esque header by Healy off the back of his head.
GKr2VLSE3	0:3
This was Heal/s last game up front and saw ttie team gell for the first time. Fabians showed good pace down the left txit lost the ball too much; a typical sign of today's freshers trying to g^ to grips with tfie harsh realities of University Football. Bainsy missed a penalty and was not aNcwed to forget about it aH season. Bryan made some cracking saves first half. Wedomi-nated all game.
Key nfienmries: Healy was substituted in the first half as the match was about to be abanded as he chopped down their centre back for grabbing his nuts.
Goals: Bains, Eddie, Gay Petifer (Judas Cunt)
LSE3Vlmperial4	7:4
We were 4 nil up in ttie first twenty minutes. Then the defence started to fijck around, it happens every game as Stoakes, DUDUand Healy and the Gremlin think they were the Brazilian team of 1970 where Carlos Alberto marshalled the back four finom attacking right-back position. EverakJo performed the same fulHaack role on tfie left. Brito and Wilson Piazza marked zonally.
Key memories: Stoakes gave away a shocking penalty.
Goals: Dave 4, beautiful chip from the eagle, twoforLeam.
LSE4VLSE3	0:3
Classic derby over the years. Pressure was on the thirds, being the superior team, to pull the result out of the t)ag. The 4ths were unbeaten until this game whilst the Srds had shown some defensive frailties. We totally mocked tiiem. Leam, Kapser and Rossi finally gelled this game.
Key memories: Kasper's storming mn down tiie left flank, crossed it to ttie penalty spot, Bainsy volleyed home, second best goal all season. Healy moaning because he wasnt playing upfront wfien his mum was watching. Thirds ruling tiie Tuns. Fabs and Eddie also got on the score sheet.
LSE 3 V Holloway 3	1:3
Possibly the bwest point of the whole season. We went one nil up and then Healy got sent off for GBH. Gremlin didn't tum up and Bryan was on leave in Spain. We ended up having Leam in goal and a sevenths team player at Left wing back. The fet Geondie ref was an absolute cunt.
(EMO)
Key memories: Healy getting sent off and giving away a penalty and getting injured in tiie process, Rossi going in goal after he pulled his groin. Will Taylor, tetter ttianZanetti, felt ttie pain of recurring shin splints and would have to miss ttie next 4 games. The promised land kx)ked unreachable from here.
Goals: Dave - beautiftjl individual effort
LSE 3 V Goldsmiths 2	5:1
To be fair to tiiem tiiis result didnt really reflect ttie game.
Key memories: There keeper couldnt catch shit - he wasnt even a keeper. He'd just been paid £10 to go in goal. Kapsers first flrxn a kick tills season, Fabian missed tiie biggest sitter you have ever seen. Man of ttie match: Gremlin.
Goals; Dave 1, eddie 1, Leam2, Kasparl,
UCUVLSE3	2:5
This was tfie start of tie legendary Thirds trademark of giving ttie opposition a sense of false security and ttien striking tiiem witti a txxnbard-mentofskitftjl attacking moves to demolish ttiem. At half time we found ourselves 2 goals down.
Key memories: playing I9<e fucking gods; Rossi got a rare goal witti a fine header fiom €agles cross, Ricky scored tiie equaliser witti a str8<e fitxn 18 yards, Ricky again scored a header to put us in firont, ttien Leam scored a cracking drive from range to make it 4-2. Bainsyg(Attie fifth witti a mn form inside his own half on ttie counterattack.
LSE3VICSM3	2:1
Still a side ravaged by injuries, and unable to recnjit players, we were always going to struggle.
Key memories: Dudu got found out for ttie first time all season, Bainsy scored our first witti a ttiirty yard tob which was sensational. It was level until tiie last minute when Guillaume (George Michael) looked like Chrissy Waddle when he played for Marseille as he gracefully skipped over challenge after challenge and ttien shot fiiom 20 yards into tiie bottom right hand comer of ttie net, ttie crowd went wild. 3 points, just!'1 want your sex"
LSE 3 V HoikMway Prison Scum 2. 4:3
What a game. This put out season back on track. Dudu had to leave at half time so it was a real nail biter. Will Tayor couldnt make it Fabs was Left vtnng back and played a blinder. Key memories: Healy scored a great header, Kapser busted tiie net witii a rasping fiiee kick fiiom 10 yards to equalise at 2-2. Bainsey scored at one on-ones witti ttie keeper(one best-esque) and Leam scored witti a tap in. Kapser gave away a penalty. They took ttie ref to court because of his decision to award us a fliee kick firni a back pass.
RUMS2VLSE3	0:3
They were drunk, fat and un-flt. Dave Bains scored hat-tick - showing a clear correlation ttiere between slow people and Dave scoring. Leam injured until January
Holloway Prison V LSE 3	2:2
We went two up after Guillaume and Fabs scored sublime headers. Dudu got crocked, LSE down to ten men. They scored one offeide goal and tiien Will Taylor allegedly maimed one of their players, Anyone who knows Will will tell you ttiat ttiis is simply impossible, they got a penalty and equalised.
Key memories: These are ttie JDiggest bunch of
filttiy bastards in ttie ULU league. Healy had 20 people on ttie side line laugh at him as he shouted "I am not losing to ttiis bunch of pikey prison scum" ttiat is now LSE folklaw.
lmperial4VLSE3	1:4
Key memories: ttiat legendary tube ride where half ttie team drar^ 2 crates erf Stella finm HeattirowtoAnus Grove and ttien back to Hdbom i.e. 50 stops on ttie Piccadilly line.
Rossi had to get off at Kings Cross as he needed a piss so b)ad. Game was one-sided Kasper scored in ttie first minute, Dave got 1 and fii^h-er eddy and Fabs increased ttieir goal tally as ttiey made ttie transition ftom boys to men.
AUBanell
Key memories: Fabs flattening some innocent man in McDonalds for stoefing his Ketchup.
LSE3'SVLSE4'S:	3-2
The 4ttis; ever confident The 3rds; ever brSRant The game was a poor affair largely due to ttie fact ttiat it was tiie nroming, cold and a man called Baresi was playing. The Srds were under-stiBngtii but remained on top witti stand-in keeper Tobi putting in some good efforts to t)econie part of Stoakes' barmy army Key memories: Healy annoying everyone and Dave going round ttie keeper twice wittiout scoring.
Goldsmiths 2 V LSE 3	2-3
Key memories: This is when we met our mascot; a double hard Irish Irish nutter called Fukker in central defence for GoWsmittis. He beat ttie shit out of Eagle and Bainsy all game. We went 2-1 down second half, Dudu majestically equalised witti his knee, then #17 for ttiem scored an own goal. Eagle hit ttie bar, Kaspar got tiie first Rossi dominated..'weVe got Fukkerinourteam'
Holk>way3'sVLSE3	1-3
Serious revenge was in order after ttie stupid defeat at ttie start of ttie season. Protablyttie best we played all season, wewonevery SO-SO in ttie first 10 minutes and ttiey we scared fliom ttien on. Pikey scored a great volley for ttie ttiird goal, Healy got one as well, "we're singing in a prison"
LSE3VUCL4	5-1
Key memories: great goal fliom a comer for Leam. Baresi's testimonial game. Triangles'. As soon as Baresi stepped on ttie pitch we conceded. Hollywood balls form Gremlin all day
LSE 3 V Kings 4	2-1
They decided to play half tiieir first team, so we unexpectedly found ourselves 1 nil down at half time. A fine goal frwn Bainsy (astute chip fix)m a tight angle) and a dramatic dive from Leam to earn us a penalty secured the victory. Bainsy tucked the penalty away. Will Taylor saeaming "come back midfield"
Holtoway Prison V LSE 3	2-3
Escape ftom Alkati^az. What a game.....tiie
pitch was like a txsg and tiie game was a real blood batti. Will Taylor got savagely chopped down in ttie first minute and tiiis set tiie starv dard for ttie rest of ttie game. Bainsy, Healy, Rolfey all got booked, whilst stand in keeper Nick Hill got sent off for spraying French perfume into ttie eyes of ttieir striker. Therefwasa waden at ttie prison and was naturally on ttie side of ttie inmates. This was ttie gane when two febulous fiiee kicks firxn Kaspar ttie fiiendly ghosttookusfiroma 1 nil deficit to a 2-1 lead. Rossi got ttie ttiird witii a rare shot on target W^ knew ttiat ttie league was ouiB fiom here, as long as we didnt do a Newcastie. "heads on lads" Rossi.
ICSM V LSE3	walkover
Ffey memories: ttiey shat it ..
Kings4VLSE3	0-4
Worst game of foottjall I have ever wibiessed. Goals from ttie Eagle (20 yard sti^e), Healy andtwoforBansy
Key memories :Healy got sent off Ibr tripping up some half pint fbrom Kings, he ttien stamped on him and kicked him in ttie stomach.
LSE3VRUMS2	2-4
We were 2-1 down in ttie second half witti 20 minutes to go. A fabulous stiike firxn Bainsy and two spectacular individual efforts form ^u seized ttie victory. Beauttiil triangles were on display
LSE3VGKr2	34)
Having already won ttie league, ttiis was purely an exhibition matoh. We totally fisted ttiem first half, Opta counting a massive 24 shots on target but only won goal. Asuperiscrossfirom Will Taylor and a typical Tieny Henry style finish fitxn Fabian put us one up at haff time. Bainsy putustwoup, at which point it was safe enough for a little switch around in personnel. Stoakes, Dudu and Will Taylor all went up front whilst Kaspar, Rossi and Bains went in defence. BotiiSoakes and Taytor were seeking tiieir first goals of tiie season. Will must have had about 6 chances. The comedy of it all was tiiat it was Stoakes who scored ftom a reteund off ttie cross bar off a Will Taytor shot When Taylor did finally score, ttie fat ref flx)m Geord'ie land o it as apparentiy Healy fouled someone off tiie ball: no surprises ttiere!
Championes Championes O' le o'le o'le.
Cheers Hoi!
Tuesday 18th March
'Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass Is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?'
- Lisa daymen
BeaverSports: Drowning sorrows and toasting victories since day 1...
The Year That Was...
¥
liJii
Billy takes on the Barrel
The Barrel goes to the Peacock Theatre
The Dark Ages comes to the Beaver
Women's footy up at Gimperial
LSE Rugby after battering Kings
Karaoke in the first week of term
The Champagne Thirds
Morally wrong

Record makers: Women's Rugby
Cheeky schoolboy Douglas Handoncock
Pete Riley losing touch with reality
Nick Hill: Speaks for itself...
Review Of The Year: BeaverSports Signing Out...
Right, so that's the end of our sports pages for another year, and on the whole I reckon we've done pretty well. We managed to offend the moral majority many a time through our judicious use of extreme language, and our insistence on showing more flesh than Gang Bang #4. We saw the departure of Ms Featherstone under a controversial cloud, only for her to be replaced by the wrongest Rugby girl ever to don a scrum cap. We had the ban-el, where Weasel took one for the team and Dave Bainz mounted the stage in the
Peacock Theatre in an effort to encourage a mass riot. Giddens gave us the slip at the top of Tower 1, and the mixed grills never tasted so good. We saw all manner of debauchery most Wednesday's, with Lime-about proving once again that the lure of cheap(ish) alcohol is more than a guarantee of being swamped by inebriated AU members. The 3rds footy won their league, the 3rds netball will win theirs, the hockey 2nds found enough players for a knock-around, the 2nds footy got to the last 16 of the country in BUSA, the 7ths were amazingly quality all season, and EVERYONE ragged Kings senseless. Caustic Steve contracted enough STDs for Dubya Bush to link him to Iraq's biological weapons program, and Canadia's most famous goalkeeper got himself onto the SU exec as International Students Officer after the lowest of low-key campaigns. The AU hustings came and went, and eight girls and a guy got their chests out for the ultimate benefit of OIlie Ranson and whomever he chooses to try out his newfound DVD-aided sexual techniques on. The
sevenths plus a honourary member discovered the genius that is When A Child Is Bom, and Stand By Me became a buzzword for football karaoke legend. The AU ball happened, and was still happening to some people at 2am the following Thursday, after all manner of wrong-ness in the Bankside TV room, to name but one place, and a sausage-throwing filled UGM. Whoever stole Tall Paul's shoes: Bring them in, and we'll give you another copy of The Lovers Guide . • on DVD. And now we're having club dinners -one night in March, 364 nights to recover, so there's no excuse for not 'aving it. Predictions: Caustic will pull a minger, mgby will get a stripper. Reef will be flowing like... well. Reef, and someone will sleep in a phone box. BeaverSports would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who's contributed to the section by cataloguing the sporting excellence and alcohol imbibing abilities of every team in the AU. It's only a shame that you're all going to have to wait until next year for the review of Callella to be published in these hallowed pages, although
I'm sure you'll be able to piece it all together from the drunken mumblings of the assorted wasted fools In extravagant tour tops camped in the Tuns from Day 1 of the Summer Term. More predictions: Someone will end up in hospital, someone will be on the receiving end of an under-foam blow job, and everyone will lose everything* Until then appreciated reader, this is BeaverSports, the last bastion of the brazen press, signing out...
Right, stop e-mailing us, this is the last issue of the academic year, but you can start again in October... cheers :-)