6-llil! 20021 5^ BRITISH LIBRARY OF PaiTICAL S ECONOMIC SCIENCE he Beaver ne Nev.spaper of the LSE SU First published 5 May 1949 Parliament of ideals: the ED debate goes on Page 10 4 March 2002 Issue number 555 Film-making by numbers? A Beautiful Mind Page 22 NUS march: the fight against apathy starts here (and we beat Strand Poly again...) Things I hate #21; people who say, "You won't change anything". You might as well give up breathing and reading The Guardian if you subscribe to this rather pathetic line of thinking. Apathy may be endemic in the cramped corridors of LSE, but the fight back has begun. This may be the News Section, but let's reminisce about the NUS Regional Rally last December. You don't remember? Of course you don't because none of you were there. 18 people, including your faithful columnist, trudged from Houghton Street to Trafalgar Square, where we joined a few more bodies to claim that students wanted better education and funding. TB was suitably unimpressed and immediately did nothing. After all the audience figures for BBC News 24 (the only channel which seemed to notice a protest had taken place) are probably dwarfed by the circulation of this esteemed publication. Last week I witnessed the awakening of the 'infamous' political activism associated with LSE which had previously failed to materialise (along with world-class education and facilities, but hey, never mind...). We emptied a box of 50 free red T-shirts last Wednesday - for those attending the NUS National March -before we had even left LSE at the imgodly hour of 10-30 am. The fact that so many had abandoned their slumbers to take part in the protest was ample evidence that the Sabbs' blitzkrieg of publicity, with its clear message - "An Investment in Education is an Investment in the Future" - had claimed some victims! The SU had even commissioned an attractive blue banner which proved so enticing that even tourists flocked to our call of "Tony Blair is a right Tory bastard", led by comrade Dave Clay, who armed with a loudhailer was able to vent the frustrations of a generation. However it was soon wrested from him by other Sabbs who proceeded to launch into a 'heartfelt' rendition of Eternal Flame to the bemusement of the non-LSE protesters. What, you don't know why either? Of course you don't because none of you go to the world-renowned UGM (that apathy thing again, you see). However, LSE's turnout was still such that we dwarfed the other London colleges, particularly Strand Poly who had seemingly just sent their Sabbs to marshal the LSE's elite corps, internet chatrooms proving too much of a draw for their own unruly rabble. They needn't have bothered, though: the heavy police presence (particularly outside participating branches of McDonalds) was strong enough to contain the newly radical Dave Clay and Continued on page 2 m NUS figures revealed thousands of students better off on the dole Full story page 2 Kofi Annan: 'How long can we live this way?' Catherine Baker Even by LSE standards, the Secretary-General of the United Nations is quite a draw, not least when he's here to stress the need to raise himdreds of millions of people out of povierty - and to ensure that resources remain to support future generations in the same manner. A sold-out Peacock Theatre received Kofi Annan on his visit to LSE to discuss one of the topics closest to his heart, sustainable development, last Monday. Annan's trip to London, during which he has also spoken to Gordon Brown, the Chancellor of the Exchequer in support of Brown's own initiative to double international aid to £35 billion every year, came as an attempt to raise awareness of an issue which underlies many causes of more immediate global concern. "As our attention has been focused on conflict," said Annan, "on globalisation, or more recently on terrorism, we have often failed to see how these are connected to the issue of sustain-ability." While reinforcing the need for our lifestyle to change so that the Earth will be able to accommodate a population that may rise to as much as 15 billion, he nonetheless stated that this provides us with "an exceptional opportunity; economically, to build markets and create jobs; socially, to bring people in from the margins; and politically, to give every man and woman a voice, and a choice, in deciding their own future." Continued on page 6 Inside : b:link - this week's best features, 12 - 16; SU elections special, 17-20; B:art - the latest films and music. 21 - 32; Sports - AU elections too, 33 - 36 Summer Interriships just around the corner at Citigroup Corporate a Investment Bank citigrcHjpj coiparalBa> biwuiluHiil Iwrik Schroder Salomon Smith Barney » Cltlb«nit Piage 2 Monday 4 March Next step in fees battle: time for the stirring lion to bite f W Blowing the whistle on student funding Continued from page 1 our very own Socialist Workers who think "One Stockbroker is One Stockbroker too Many", despite being destined to work in the City It may have taken fovir hours to reach Trafalgar Square from otir assembly time, but we were greeted by the usual suspects: Red Ken, a host of union spokespeople and somebody from Big Brother who probably wanted shooting. Your faithful columnist only stayed for the first few speeches, not being a believer in preaching to the converted. Ken's speech, for those that are curious, went something like this: "I may have no power over education policy, it is very imlikely I will ever have this (read, any) power, but if I did, which I won't, I would make everything better by heavily taxing those who work in the City." Cue loud chorus of disapproval from the LSE contingent, to the dismay of other onlookers. So that's what thousands of X non-apathetic students did last Wednesday. On the way back I noticed that Student Protest Causes Traffic Chaos - once again we had seized the headlines (well, those of an early edition of the Evening Standard at any rate). Mainstream television and the Today programme undoubtedly beckoned. TB had seen a sleeping lion stir; let's go and bite him. I dare you... This is a personal response to the NUS national demonstration. If you would like to comment on this article, please reply to thebeaver@lse.ac.uk. Students struggle on £30 a week, warns NUS Catherine Baker NUS figures released to coincide with the national demonstration have shown that thousands of students are forced to live on under £30 a week, less than they would receive on the dole. After paying their rent, students who have no other source of support than the maximum student loan are calculated to have a weekly income of £29.11. In contrast, the current level of Jobseeker's Allowance payable to 18-24 year olds is a weekly £42. The government considers this the minimum on which a single person is able to live, although a report from the Child Poverty Action Group has estimated that, after housing costs, a single person requires £83 a week. The disparity, attacked by the NUS as it delivered a petition to Downing Street the day before the march, is worsened by the fact that young people on the dole would receive housing benefit on top of the £42. Neither would they be under any obligation to make later repayments. NUS national president, Owain James, has hit out at the findings, saying he is "appalled" by the actions of "a government who claims its number one priority is education," and accusing Westminster of treating students as "second-class citizens." James also responded with concern to statistics showing that London-based students face a shortfall of nearly £5,000 a year between their income and their spending, requiring many to work long hours in badly paid part-time jobs "with a terrible effect on their grades" and still making them graduate with over £12,000 of debt. As the Liberal Democrat spokesman on higher education, David Rendel, said at the national demonstration: "If the government want to. encourage more people to go to university, they must remove the fear of graduating with five-fig-ure debts." According to last year's Barclays Graduate Debt survey, this fear is very real: students from working-class backgrounds have seen their debts escalate three times faster than those from more privileged families, unsurprisingly when working-class families only receive £160 of support from their parents compared to the median £1,375 that a middle-class student is likely to receive. Consequently, twice as many working-class students as middle-class ones are constantly struggling to keep up with their debts, the National Audit Office revealed only a few days before the march. Although another survey, released by the accommodation services company Unite in January, indicated that students generally believe higher levels of debt are worthwhile, even this also found that over 40% of students are working up to 29 hours a week, chiming with James' anxieties. The NUS' concern is that news such as this has deterred applications from the very students the government has elsewhere professed itself so keen to attract. Westminster "refuses to remove the financial barriers that force thousands of students to drop out, and prevent many more from even applying," James told the press before the national march. The Education Secretary, Estelle Morris, has however rejected students' claims as "scaremon-gering" and likely to put even more potential students off applying to university. A study by Queen Mary and Westfield coUege researchers has said that graduates can expect to earn over £400,000 more than non-graduates during their working life, making every extra year spent in education after the age of 16 worth an eventual £50,000. Correction In issue 554 dated 21 February 2002, an article appeared entitled "Toilet mugging 'worst in seven years'". The name attached to the article was Cathy Wallace. The Beaver would like to clarify that Cathy did not write the headline or the first two paragraphs of this article, and would like to reiterate that Cathy believes that the LSE security record and system is excellent, as was emphasised in her article which began "It's never easy policing a place as large and public as the LSE". The first two paragraphs and headline were written by someone else and Cathy's name should not have been attached to them. Furthermore, Bernie Taffs, the House Manager, would like to point out that there were only two reported muggings (mugging is defined as theft with violence) at LSE in the last seven years, a remarkably low number of this type of crime for a large open campus in the middle of a massive city. I CP LiJCZ cti jrfpnK' VuM \mwP Jr »—3 union Lent Term Elections 7 March 2002 The time has come to vote. Main voting for the Students' Union elections for the Lent Term takes place on Thursday 7 March 2002 in the Ouad from 9:30 am to 7 pm. Voting in the Quad 9:30 am 7 pm You can also vote in advance on Wednesday 6 March when the ballot box will tour the halls of residence, and you will be able to vote at the following times: Advance Voting: Wednesday 6 March 11:30 am - 2 pm 4 pm - 4:30 pm 5 pm - 5:30 pm 6 pm - 6:30 pm 6:45 pm - 7:15 pm 8 pm - 8:30 pm 9 pm - 9:30 pm 10 pm -10:30 pm LSE Campus: The Quad High Holborn Rosebery Carr-Saunders Passfield Bankside Great Dover Street Butlers Wharf EXERCISE 7 March 2002 SU Elections - Lent Term 2002 Secretary Daniel Lewis Tom Packer Playing an active role in the Union has given me valuable insight into the issues that need to be acdressed on behalf of ALL students - home or overseas, male or female, under or postgraduate. Library and IT resources, improved teaching quality ard class sizes, low-rent halls of residence, zero tolerance for Wednesday afternoon teaching, the cre-at on of a fifth sabbatical post specifically to address ¦¦'V. needs of Sports and Societies. Along with fighting spiralling fees, home and overseas, I will give all these matters consistent attention. Vote Dan Lewis: ensure a fair deal. The most experienced candidate in the LSE Student Union - Wide Experience Includes Governor of LSE and Environment and Services Officer of LSE. I am the only candidate for General Secretary who is a member of the Student Union Executive or the Academic Board of LSE. Supporting Societies - Increase budget for Societies above 5% & put Societies at heart of SU concern. Lobby on matters of concern to aU students: Rents, Hall Spaces, Fees, Class sizes, Course choice and the Environment at LSE. Increase focus on Postgraduate and International Fees. For much more see www.tompacker.co.uk Tuuli Kousa TUULS FOR A BETTER UNION Our "Legally Blonde" candidate Tuuli Kousa is a 3rd year law student. An international citizen, Tuuli has lived in Finland, the United States, Germany and England. She can adapt to challenging situations and introduce fresh ideas. You may have met her through her presidency of the Scandinavian Society, seen her at Rosebery or CDS halls, or heard her voice on the PuLSE soap. Curious to hear what's in it for you? According to Tuuli we should make LSE work for us -everyone should feel like they play an important role in the student community. Read manifesto for more. Peter Taylor Also standing: Markos Markides I'm running for General Secretary to make sure that while the School raises funds for new buildings and facilities, it does not forget the people who make the LSE what it is - us, the students. I will work to ensure: That there are no further attacks on our halls of residence as was seen with the closure of Passfield. That the planned increase of the student body by 20% will be met with an appropriate increase in the size of the campus and teaching staff. Please vote Peter Taylor Number 1 for General Secretary Contact me on p.m.taylor@lse.ac.uk Treasurer Peter Bellini A Student at the LSE for 3 years now studying Philosophy, I have always had a keen interest in the Students Union. I have involved myself In student representation since I came to LSE, and hope I can continue to represent students as Treasurer. Having a year left of my degree, I have a vested interest in ensuring the success of this Union not just for myself, but for all of those who will continue studying at LSE. On Polling day Vote Bellini 1 Also standing: Yiannis Tellyros Entertainment Jimmy 'Mullet' Baker VOTE JIMMY "MULLET" BAKER ENTS SABBATICAL Experience - Ex-Passfield Bar Manager, Crush & PuLSE FM DJ, Quiz night host Safety - Committed to the non-slip floor in the Quad and runway lights on the stairs Global Week - Inter-collegiate events across London Crush - Special Offers at the Quad bar before 11 to boost attendance Live Music - Bringing gigs to the LSE Encouraging LSE talent - in live music, DJing and performance RAG - Build on RAG success with bigger and better fundraising events Societies - Free annual events for societies with full Union support LET ME ENTERTAIN YOU HUSTINGS Your opportunity to interrogate the Sabb candidates Monday 4 March Tuesday 5 March Bankside HalL 6 pm - 7 pm High Holborn Hall 6 pm - 7 pm Passfield Hall 8 pm - 9 pm The Three Tuns 8 pm - 9 pm 'iC SU Elections - Lent Term 2002 Education and Welfare Carole Bonner Priya Parkash Jane Edbrooke m- I As Executive Officer for Mature and Part-time students I have represented students. Before I came to LSE I was a workplace representative and negotiated on behalf of members to senior management. I will be campaigning for better teaching, smaller class sizes and no teaching on Wednesday afternoons, improved access for disabled students and more budget Halls. I want to encourage postgrads to get involved with LSESU. Employees of the SU will have better contracts of employment which will allow them to plan their lives. Your University Needs Me! Committed Accessible Reliable Organised Lovely! Experienced I believe that working in the SU Advice Centre gives me the edge when It comes to understanding the education and welfare issues affecting YOU. The most pressing issues that have caught my attention are the ongoing accomodation crisis, problems with academic standards, major funding issues and the treatment of minority students. I will fight, campaign and lobby to the highest levels to guarantee YOUR time at the LSE is as comfortable and as enjoyable as it could possibly be. I am driven by my determination, ability to work hard and above all, my promise to put your interests first. Hi there. I'm Jane Edbrooke and I'm running for Ed and Welfare. My main aims are to focus on housing, halls, safety and teaching and class quality. In terms of housing I want to continue and develop the housing guide, with legal advice on where tenants stand. I want to work to keep Passfield as a budget hall and lobby the school for any future halls to be budget. We need to keep class size down and make teaching quality high. I want courses to have adequate book provision and to make the safety of students around the LSE a priority. Vote for Jane for a happier LSE!! Executive Slate Vita Maynard Andrew Kelly Elliot Simmons Heather Blake Laura Scarpa I currently hold the position of Chair of Constitution and Steering Committee, and would like the opportunity to make a real difference in the Student's Union. The responsibilities of the post would allow me to speak up on the issues that matter to all LSE students, such as campaigning for exam resits in the autumn, a reduction in class sizes, attracting students from a more diverse background, and more student representation in the areas that concern us. I'm dedicated and committed to our Union, and willing to work hard to make LSE a better place for you! Standing For: Executive Slate, Rnance & Services Committee and Constitution & Steering Committee I believe I have enough enthusiasm and the following experience: Nationally elected member of the National Labour Students Policy Forum, Parliamentary Research Assisstant for Stuart Bell MP, Member of the Consitution and Steering Committee since Michaelmas Term and Secretary of LSE Student Labour Party. I am a Law Student at the LSE and therefore through studying law I believe I have the necessary constitutional, political and social awareness to fullfill the needs of the students of the LSE. I have been Communications Officer 2001/2 for SU, News Reporter for The Beaver, a RAG Week Volunteer, and the Publicity Officer 2001/2 for Debate Society. I have spoken at the UGM on Education and have attended both NUS Anti-fees Marches. I was also Communications Officer 2001/2 for LSE Labour Endorsed by Labour & Debate Societies Environmental issues affect us all and we all do something to make a difference. We need to make the LSE a leader in achieving sustainable development. This year I have set up the 'Greening the LSE' action group as part of the Oikos society. We have already persuaded the School to begin looking into Green electricity and to improve its current recycling schemes. These improvements will begin in the next few weeks with more paper bins and better information about recycling. We are also working to gain bottle and can banks. Imagine how much more I'll be able to do if elected. I am running for the Executive Slate as I believe I would be a worthy addition to the union. I am a strong candidate as I am committed to the success of the union and believe its success is vital to all students. I have enjoyed being the Vlce-Chairman of the UGM and would like to further my involvement in the running of the SU. I think I am approachable and a good team player so would be a good spokesperson for all students. I hope you will vote for me to represent you and continue the good work being done. Also standing: Candice MacDonald and Justin Nolan SU Elections - Lent Term 2002 Constitution and Steering Gommittee (7 places) Oliver Jelleyman James Graham Eyton Vote Oliver Jelleyman for C & S I Intend to see the constitution implemented in an impartial manner, and will attend very regularly in order to ensure this is the case. James Eyton-"a man who likes to steer". My name is James Eyton and am currently a first year undergraduate studying economics and economic history. In the Lent Term elections I am running for the F&S Committee and the C&S Committee. But enough about me. I pledge to you all that if elected I will give 100% to this union, and ensure accountability, constitu-ionality and free plenty of steering! So USE YOUR VOTE and VOTE JAMES EYTON this week for the Rannace and Services Committee and the Constitution and Steering Committee. Also standing: Rebecca Anne Still man Jane-Frances Rowson Kurshid Faizallaev Andrew Kelly Vita Maynard David Bennett International Students Officer Jane-Frances Rowson I am a first year Geography student running for two positions in the up-coming SU elections - International Students Officer and Constitution and Steering Committee. I feel I am capable of ensuring the welfare and representation of overseas students, as I am one myself, I am In a position to relate to any issues they may have. I am keen to improve the integration of overseas students into the Students Union and participation in the Union's events. In addition to this I aim to provide sound and valuable advice in a position on the Constitution and Steering Committee. I strongly urge you to vote for me and make the right choice! Also standing: Adonis Pegasiou Finance and Services Committee (4 places) David Landon Cole For Rnance and Services Committee More Money for Societies, More Respect for Students SU Societies are grossly underfunded at LSE. If you elect me, I will seek to increase funds for all societies. SU Societies have been treated shabbily for too long by parts of the LSE. I will also seek to change the caf6 and give it a better selection of cheaper, better quality food. I will also seek to rectify this by ending the LSE monopoly on food. Rex Walker I am asking you to reflect me to this position because I want the opportunity to continue the good work that the committee has done this year. It would be stupid to say that I will guarantee more money for socities because that is not the job of F&S. We decide how the money is spent, not how much and so I promise, as I have done this year, to make sure each society is treated fairly and that the money they get is only reflective of their budget application. I hope that I can use my experience of the job to make sure the Union's limjted resources are spent wisely. Duncan Adams DUNC IT! I am a 2nd year Economic Historian. I am integral to every part of the LSE. I am in the AU, I work in the Gym, DJ for Pulse, go to Crush, and am also the Union Equal Opportunities Officer (Male). I just love it here. I have a wealth of experience and knowledge of how the LSE works, and wish to put my skills to use in the Rnance and Services Committee. A VOTE FOR DUNC! is a vote for responsibility and reliability in one of the crucial LSE committees. VOTE DUNCAN ADAMS FOR RNANCE AND SERVICES! Also standing: James Graham Eyton Andrew Kelly David Bennett Vita Maynard Dean Lochrie Monday 4 March Page 3 Esso next door: time for another demo helped plan a $7 million API PR lars to politicians, as Exxon offensive to undermine scientif- Mobil has over the last ten ic consensus on the threat of years, and maybe invest that climate change. The plan stated money in green energy instead, that "victory will be achieved Not gorged enough on influ- Tony, what's being done in your name? Mark Ready_ ExxonMobil - which in Britain owns the craftily-disguised chain of 'Esso' petrol stations - have their London headquarters on the Aldwych, next to LSE's Connaught House. You'd be forgiven for thinking that LSE Oikos and Globalise Resistance students had no better reason for picketing the offices last Thursday than their convenience for relieving compulsive demonstration syndrome. However, Exxon Mobil are worth eveiy second of planning, postering the LSE and its halls, painting banners, donning tiger masks, shouting, singing, playing the Irish whistle and generally making a fool of yourself whilst losing the feelings in your hands on a frosty February evening. And not just because Body Shop head and Stop Esso supporter Anita Roddick froze with us. Why? Exxon Mobil will invest not a single cent of its $17.7 billion 2001 profit in sustainable alternatives to fossil fuels. Now maybe environmentalists are unreasonable, but most specialists seem to agree that fossil fuels contribute substantially to global warming. The UN Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) - the world's top environmental scientists, that is - and over one hundred and sixty state environmental institutions, for instance. Exxon Mobil obviously has a keener imderstanding than such amateurs. The IPCC met in London last September. Its draft final report included: "The Earth's climate system has demonstrably changed on both global and regional scales since the pre-industrial era, with some of these changes attributable to human activities". Exxon Mobil lobbied to amend the text by deleting "with some of these changes attributable to human activities". The IPCC rejected the amendment. By 2025, according to the IPCC's Working Group n on 'Impacts, Adaptation and VulnerabLlity' in February last year, increasing drought will mean that 5 billion - or two out of three people - will lack sufficient water and millions more will starve. Exxon Mobil had more success with derailing Kyoto. It is a financial supporter and has an executive seat on the board of the American Petroleum Institute (API), and in 1998 when those promoting the Kyoto treaty on the basis of extant science appear to be out of touch with reality." Bush scrapped Kyoto last March. Exxon Mobil advertised the treaty as "fundamentally flawed" and "fatally politicised". Two months later Bush, classically, described it as "fatally flawed in fundamental ways". Perhaps Exxon Mobil has no influence over politicians, but surely then it would make better 'business sense' to cease 'donating' millions of dol- ence over politicians, Exxon Mobil has duplicitous PR campaigns, according to Greenpeace, which has published a report entitled Decade of Dirty Tricks. Most notoriously, Lee Raymond, Exxon Mobil's CEO, cited a petition signed by "17,000 scientists" dismissing global warming. Dr Lloyd Keigwin revealed not only that it was not organised by climate scientists and misled recipients into thinking it came from America's respected National Academy of Sciences, but also that signatories included supposed 'scientists' such as characters from M*A*S*H and a Spice Girl. Maybe Exxon Mobil is not keen on admitting the fossil fuel-global warming link because the public would then choose to buy petrol from their competitors, namely Shell and BP, more impressed by their annual $500 million investment in green energy projects over the next three years than ExxonMobil's no-show. Not that the public believes Exxon Mobil's 'reality'. Public pressure ensured that Bush has not opened the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge to Exxon Mobil exploitation. Which is why the 60 people on the Aldwych on 21 February did not protest in vain when passers-by stopped to ask for details or feasted their eyes on leaflets as they rushed onwards through London's polluted streets. So join the Long March for the Climate from the Exxon Mobil (Esso) headquarters near Leatherhead to the US embassy in Grosvenor Square, central London, on Saturday 23 March, and boycott Esso petrol if you drive. For more details, visit www.stopesso.com. Israeli goods may be banned at Manchester Beaver Staff Amotion to boycott aU Israeli goods has been placed before the Student Union at Manchester University. If the motion is passed, it will extend to Israeli food products sold by major stores such as Marks and Spencer. The proposers of the motion, Omayma Al-Khaffaf and Richard Farrow, have distanced themselves from potential accusations of anti-Semitism, claiming that "anti-Zionism or criticism of Israel is not anti-Semitism." Dissent against the motion, however, is strong, and the National Union of Students opposes the motion as one which is likely to make Jewish students feel threatened. Clive Gabay, the campaigns director for the Jewish Students Society, has declared that the motion delegitimises the State of Israel and threatens the future of the existence of Jewish student groups who constitutionally support the existence of Israel and its causes. Furthermore, if the motion is passed in Manchester, "it can happen anywhere." Gabay also expressed concern about the motion's provenance, worrying that "the literature seems well produced, Uke it could be from an outside organization." The text of the motion declares that it "will send out a positive message that the international community will not tolerate racism, an apartheid system or violations of human rights by any peoples, governments or organizations. This action was taken against South Africa and had positive results." "Clearly there's not an apartheid system in Israel," Gabay responded. "If I were a black South African this would really annoy me. Apartheid was a historically specific, systematic oppression of a people." Manchester University has a history of anti-Zionist motions. In 1996 it deceived high publicity for its unsuccessful attempt to ban all Zionist organizations from campus, and there is fear among other Jewish Societies in the UK that if the boycott motion is successful it might lead to hostility against all groups which support Israel. In response to the news, one member of the LSE J-Soc, who did not wash to be n.-med, stressed that "there irf a difference between not supporting the actions of the Israeli governments and de-legitimising its existence." She added that the boycott would possibly have an adverse impact on people without Zionist sympathies: "Israel produces all sorts of goods such as contact lens and tissues, and many of these goods are created by both Israelis and Palestinians working within Israel." As a good number of Manchester's 500 Jewish and 2,500 Muslim students prepared to make their stand on the motion, she also wondered "whether or not it is the place of a Students' Union to make a policy concerning the complex issues in the Middle East." Young Persons Railcard Competition Young Persons Railcards have always made financial sense for us poor students - a third off ail rail fares is always welcome. A railcard only costs £18. and can pay for itself in one journey It's available to all full-time students, regardless of age. As a result of the piss-poor railways, Stephen Byers (or the new Transport Secretary, if Byers has been sacked in the last few days) is offering 15 months of discounted rail travel for the price of 12. All you have to do is go to any station and get your railcard before 18 May Alternatively, you could enter our fantastically generous competition and win one of the five we have to give away. To win one of five railcards, simply answer the following question: How much is a standard 'saver' return from London to Durham with a Young Persons Railcard? a) £15 b)£25 c) £52.15 si: . . . ,. E-Mail your answers to thebeaver@lse.ac.uk Page 4 iJw Beater FcirFhmg Monday 4 March The Beaver's weekly round up of student news with Lyie Jackson £t Ju Li Gan IttlTV « £ The University of Teeside this year foots the RAE (Research Assessment Exercise) division 3. Departments are marked up to 5*, with 7 points for a 5*, 6 points for a 5 etc. Teeside found itself averaging a score of 3.0. As a rough guide for the layman, a score of between 3 and 4 is equivalent to the research required to discover what colour pants you are wearing. LSE was placed second, only out-performed by Cambridgeshire Comprehensive. St Andrews topped the tables for Scottish universities. Uf^iversitij of !!CHfG:- Scenario: boxes of important papers left lying in an open place on campus - sound familiar? Well, just to let our readers know, this doesn't only happen on our campus. Over 40 boxes of confidential paper fUes, allegedly containing undergraduate admissions applications and related materials, were stored in an imsecured hallway in the basement of the Student Activities Building at the University of Michigan. Most of the boxes were marked "confidential waste" - we all know that only makes the boxes look all the more interesting. The build-up of 'confidential waste' in the hallway is partly a result of the 23,700 applications received by the imiversity for 5,400 freshman spaces last year. Typically, the old materials would have been destroyed, but the university's race-conscious undergraduate admissions policy had been brought against it in a lawsviit in 1997 by the Centre for Individual Rights, and now the university is legally required to keep all admissions-related materials. Now we'll have to wait and see if anybody wants to sue for negligent storage of confidential materials... Loughborough University Trying to keep Far Flung themed (very slightly) this week, another awesome celebrity has decided it is that time - the university tour. Saturdaynight at the Union, known as Pick 'n' Mix, last week hosted former star of children's television Timmy Mallett. Timothy arrived complete with comedy instnmient 'Mallett's Mallet' for a night of mal-leting-fuelled hilarity. Students were left wondering why they ever woke up at the crack of dawn to watch this kind of tomfoolery. On-stage hammering of a different kind is hoped for this week as Pick 'n' Mix hosts Radio I's Nemone. Seoul University Four students were arrested by South Korean authorities last Thursday for staging an allegedly radical protest against President Bush's visit, which resulted in a police commando operation. Special Forces had to swing down ropes on the side of a skyscraper to reach the 45th floor where 30 students had taken over an office and himg a banner from a broken window accusing Bush of heightening tensions in Korea. This was no isolated case - there were demonstrations in cities across South Korea before and during the President's visit - American flags have been burried and there have been scuffles between students and police. Expose, Exeter's finest student publication, last week reported on a success technique that may even be more usefiil than Essex's 'almost on TV method'. This one will need a friend's help however Expose discovered that a 3rd year Engineering student who passed out in an exam earlier this year, helped his fellow examinees by giving them an extra 45 minutes to complete the paper! The invidulators have not been commended on their performance. Not to be outdone by Essex in any other department. Expose then came up with their very own 'who cares' story. Apparently a national newspaper has been on campus looking for scoops on Pop Idol Will Young. Certainly one to tell the Grandchildren. University of Essex Last week, Essex's student newspaper The Rabbit reported on their calendar recently produced by female members of the sports teams. Clubs ranging from women's rugby to netball came together to produce the 2002 calendar in aid of Breast Cancer awareness. According to the paper, "the photoshoot took a few evenings to produce, with most girls posing semi-naked. You can get your hands on the calendar (not the girls!!!) for the price of 3 beers (£5)". By the look of it, the girls themselves will take about three actual beers. Not all of the girls at Essex University have been so lucky, however. The Rabbit goes on to produce the worst friend-of-a-Mend/Z-list celebrity story ever, reporting, "Recent Essex graduate Olga Valigourskaia narrowly missed out on a place in Channel 4's latest reality TV programme, Eden." Anybody with internship applications still to complete should tsike careful note of this CV enhancer. Monday 4 March Page 5 Non-global but entertaining: the Global Show 2002 Saija Vuola We were there to celebrate and appreciate cultural diversity. That is what the presenters told us. Unfortunately, that was the audience could not believe their ears. Was it really just two girls with microphones, with no other instruments than their voices? An incredible mixture of R&B and Hindi music. about half of the total of the words I could hear them saying. At least, those at the back missed out on most of what went on in between the acts. Maybe next year the mikes will finally work and the show will actually be pure entertainment. And about the diversity - to me it seemed that it was mainly Asian diversity with Latin American tango and Greek dances. Where was the rest of the world? Too scared or not proud enough of their culture? Well, for one night the world became the stage for the few who dared to climb on it. Contemporary fashion and traditional costumes First on stage we had a fashion show although it took me a while to see that. "Contemporary international fusion of fashion," the programme stated, but where were the presenters now that they were really needed? The fusion of fashion became a blur when no one explained from which comers of the world it was gathered. The models looked good and brought the air of professionalism on stage. Who were they, and where were they from? The same disappointment happened at the beginning of part two of the show. Flags obviously gave us some sense of geography but hearing about the history and traditions of the respective countries would have been nice, too. Or maybe it's, just me who has no imagination and needs to have everything told. Alternative entertainment Hankering for traditions aside, this year the Global Show brought us a lot of innovative, alternative and enjoyable entertainment. When Mana and Sharbari performed their South Asian A Capella, Incredible, just in another sense, was the Alternative Entertainments Society's act, too. I wish we all could control our mind and body as well as was shown in the Martial Arts act of the Indonesian Society that would most probably make the world an easier place to live in. The Gumboot Dance where the dance was clapping and the clapping was music seemed like a secret language that only the people who were performing the act could understand. The Breakdancing Society has definitely practiced a lot and they've got that street credibility which the audience respected. However, the audience should not be given any good criticism. It felt like primary school all over again except this time the pupils were not afraid of teachers who would tell them to be quiet. Showing respect for the performers by staying quiet and watching should not be too much to ask. The world is dancing I guess the Cypriot and Hellenic Societies' dance has already become institutionalised. Looking good and being unbelievably numerous, the Greek-Cypriot group certainly radiated charisma. Maybe making up for the lack of other Europeans, they wanted to perform twice and even invite everyone on stage at the end. That is fine but maybe to ensure the smooth nmning of the show the songs could have been cut, just not at the end where the men showed what dancing is really about. The Swing Dance Society's skilful swinging was really grasping and the Salsa Society's salsa in a circle looked sparkling. The emphasising of individual couples would have looked even nicer instead of the tight circle, though, as was proved by the Latin American Society's Taiigo. Unfortimately, salsa and tango, two passionate dances from passionate coim-tries, are maybe not the best dances to be performed on stage when you cannot feel the heat. The Chinese Yang Ge dance performed by Ying showed that one person can be the ambassador of her/his culture and that one pictiire says more than a thousand words. The seeming popularity of the songs which the Indian Society danced to under the headline "Bollywood o Bollywood" made me feel left out of something. Those who knew the hits, enjoyed it the most. Although the music was mixed up and Karishma had to run on stage to perform her Man Mohini dance, she managed to enchant the minds of many. The Persian Society wanted to show us something contemporary and danced as they would have in a disco, one of the girls told me. I would like to see the disco where all the dances are so weU rehearsed and seductive. More traditional and less universal was the Vietnamese candle light dance that brought us peace of mind and hope of a soft bed. The world is singing, the world is playing As the music society got aU their instruments on stage aind started playing jazz, I coiddn't but hope that the Old Theatre would turn into a smoky club and that all the rest acts would be cancelled. But when "The prayer" was performed by Jime and Charles, I was happy nothing was cancelled. Living it to the last note, they had style. Unfortimately, again, all of the audience did not appreciate the act and ruined the enjoyment for the others, too. "Hip Hop and Happening" was a rhyming story about the Global Show and the global environment of the school - if I remember correctly from last year. If this reaUy was the same song as a year ago, I was not too bothered by the crackly mics, but I guess many people would have really liked to hear what Temi and Nikhil had to say. Not much better was the sound reproduction in the Slavonic Society's description of the region's youth so we still don't know much more about the Slavonic folklore. Irish music; performed with a harmonica g A Beautiful Mind lanVinten checks out Richie Cuiiningham's latest to see if it's jiist film-making by numbers Director; Ron Howard Starring: Russett Crowe, Jennifer Coneily, Ed Harris Running Time: 135 mins Certificate: 12 Release Date: Otrt Now (West End), 01/03/2002 (Nationwide) Good Win Hunting ptoveii an Interesting result that holds only under certain conditions; mental anguish + mathematical genius s fine entertainment. Whilst Darren Aronoteky's PI went someway to support ttiis, it was a bit to profound and downright confusing for most. A Beautiful Mind once again looits at the math-o-talnment equation telling a dramatised version of the life story of John Forties Nash Jr; father of modem day game theory. Nash is falling behind in all his classes as he searches for a truly original idea' that will let his name go down in history and is on the verge of being thrown out of i^riniBeton when his Eureka moment strikes. Sitting in a bar one day with three of his classmates, five lovely ladies walk In; four brunettes being led by a more attractive blonde, Nash realises that if they alt go for the blonde, none will got the gal as they'll fall over each other trying, and that then the. brunettes wiil turn them down too as no one likes being second best, if, however, they go for the brunettes and ignore the blonde then each will have a foir chance of pulling without treading on anyone else's toes. And so the Nash Equilibrium is-born. That's all the game theory you get though, so don't go expecting deep insight for your micro classes. The Aim isn't really about Nash's university years, more the problems of his life that come after. The first 45 minutes are set in Princeton and don't really seem to gel, feeling as Jittery and uncomfortable as Crowe's John Nash. The film seems to stutter, never really flowing and it's only after he works out his 'truly original idea' that the film lives up to its Oscar nomi- nation hype. A Beautiful Mlmts real triumph is its deirictton of schizophrenia and what a wicked disease it must be for not only the people who suffer from it hut also for their friends ma family. Crowe is more than wortiiy of his BAFTA win aid Oscar nomination for best actor piayit^ ttie supremely Intelligent but psycho-logicaliy unsound Nash. It's hard to believe that tiie nervous, briefcase hugging, social misflt on screen Is the same person ttiat a few years ago was chasing tigers round the Colosseum. Whilst Crowe is good, Jennifer Conneiiy is simply fantastic. Going from beau-iiWf belle«fthe4)all to the devoted wife of a mental patient, you really get a sense of how devoted^^e is to her husband but at the same time how hard it must have been to see him fall so HI. M sJie doesn't win the Oscar to »;com-pany b6r best supporting actress BAFTA then something doesn't quite add up. Ed Harris is otw» ^in excellent playing Ed Harris and Brit Paul Bettany Is excellerrt In this as he was In Gangster #1 only this time he's in a good film. A BeautIM Mind has not been without its critics. The life story is apparently very dramatised, with some episodes being com-' pletely fabricated and any mention of Nash's homosexuality kept firmly in the closet. The film ties up a bit too nicely at the end and Ron Howard occasionally lets the cheesy sentimentality run free. Stiil, it doesn't happen too often in a film that could have easily descen^ into ciiched hammy toss. This tru^]^^fc§nquers-ail tale Is well done with ^^^vably good acting, well worthy of the .r%ar^Mi0^oWirs that K should, and probably up come late March; Aii NowSHOWING Michael Mann's biopic of the greatest sporting personality ever. Fight scenes to rival Raging Bull and would be president (1 kid you not) Will Smith delivers a knockout performance as the troubled Alabama-born AM. Too long for some but Mann really knows what he's doing with a camera. Ocean's Eleven Good looking film full of good looking of good looking people. Witty diologue and great performances let down by lack of really eng^ing ptot. But with the coolness levels off the scale this is one that you can just sit back, turn off any enjoy. Monsters, Inc. Enjoyable kids romp from the same people that brought us the Toy Stories and A Bug's Life. Jaw droping visuals non stop gags keep you amused from beginning to end. Billy Crystal and John Goodman perfectly cast as the one eyed monster Mike and the furry Sully. Not quite up there with Toy Story 2 but still a fine way to spend 90 minutes. movies > > The Mothman Prophecies TomWHITAKER meets the Moth Man and asks: Prophetic species or pathetic faeces? Director: Mark Pellington Starring: Richard Gere, Laura Linney, Will Patton Running Time: 118 mins Certificate: 12 ¦ Release Date: 01/03/2002 . . • Director iVIark Pellington's breakthrough feature, Arlington Road, didn't do too well in America. The Jeff Bridges/Tim Robblns thriller was replete with a talented cast, an interesting premise, some just-about-allowable zealous direction and a real doozy of an ending. Sadiy, it didn't appeal to the American audience who were (dare 1 say It?) less Interested in terrorism. back then. And that's a shame, because whilst his fol-iow-up. The Mothman Prophecies, is a rather more measured, mature affair, it's considerably less satisfying. Brownie points, however, for trying something a little different... The Mothman Prophecies has its basis in the real-life legend of the iVIoth Man, a mysterious creature/apparition-type-thing fabled to have appeared before certain large-scale tragedies, Including the Chernobyl disaster. This particular story updates one Ohio catastrophe from the 1960s (any more details would give away the ending), which involved John Keel, the writer on who's book the film is based. Pellington brings the story up to date, placing It in a contemporary setting, and focusing on the experiences of Wall Street Journal-ist John Klein (Richard Gere). Following a car crash which leaves his wife dead (and what exactly did she see In the road that caused her to swerve?), the story skips forward two years, with John taking another road trip. Breaking down on a quiet backroad, John vyalks to find help. But there's a strange presence about, and when John discovers that he's driven a great distance In an (Impossibly) short time. It becomes clear that all is not what it may seem. And then it all goes downhill. The Mothman Prophecies starts very well, with a visceral car crash shattering an idyllic life, and a real sense of impending... stuff. Because at that point, it's not clear what kind of territory we're on; which genre Peilington is going to plump for. Ctever dlcH-see-that editing and some eeriiy effective sound design tempt you into thinking you're watching a horror film, but it never quite comes t<^ther. Because The Mothman Prophecies Isn't a horror film at ^1. The Motii Man him- ¦ f i ¦ ¦ - :¦ ¦ ¦¦ it.., i'fWd 1' J; self Is no stalk-and-slash killer, and appears to ail of the characters In different ways and for different (mostly unexplained) reasons. As the ph>t (involving tiie Moth Man's legacy and his llnlis to past tragedies) unfolds, the film loses its way somewhat. On one hand, it attempts to keep us uneasy, with an overdose of weird, eerie noises played over everyday sounds (telephones ringing and the like). But the poker face is poor, and the audience figures out that we're meant to be confused and intrigued as opposed to scared long before the film stops trying to give us the heebie-jeebies. The film is hamstrung by the script. The performances, from Gere and Laura Linnery (appearing here as a smalltown cop, after excellent turns in the brilliant Truman Show and the almost-as-brlliiant-but-that-would-be-pret-ty-sodding-hard You Can Count On Me) are both more than adequate. Peliington's direction is mostly solid too, aside from some occasionally unnecessary hyperactive flying camera shots, but lie's forced to try and squeeze tension out of situations witere it do^n't really exist. For the most part, It's a horror film without a malevolent presence, and when it makes the leap to supernatural mystery, it's too little too iate. Still, at least it fails down for trying to break away from pigeon-holed conventions, which is far more forgivable than a botched stab at a formulaic genre piece. fJ. ¦i- h petitionTIME The Moth Man flew by T/ieBeaver office earlier this week. Whilst he was hypnotised by our tight fittings we mugged him and nicked all his belongings, so we have some freebles to give away. We've purloined one goodie bag containing posters, a T-Shirt and a very useful small device enabling you to see the world through the eyes of a moth. And we've got loads of these prizes to give away seperately so there's 'nuff chances to win! — ~ ~ Ail you have to do is (in npt more than 50 words) tell us who would win in a fight between a Moth-Man and a Butterfly-Man. And why? The most ingenious and entertaining answers will get the prizes. Mail your answers to beaverfiim@yahoo.com before the 12th of Marcb to enter. Good Luck! ¦f'.' / ^ v 4 b°art > music ANDREWSWANN & RIYANITANI play tribute to the legend who is PETERDAVIES This week esteemed music editor Peter 'babies' Davies finally wrote his last puntastic headilne. The graduate of the school of . Kermangl had spent two years defining the role given to him, although finally he realised what everyone else l singles LAST MAN STANDING NOBODY Although this lot don't sound like the made for kids metal bands, their music is hardly original or definitive or revolutionary- you get the message. What I'd like to know is this; ; who told the lead singer that singing as if your voice is breaking is cool? Boring, boring Heavy Metal. NAZIARAHIM ( WHITE STRIPES FEU IN LOVE WITH A QIRL 'Fell In Love With A Girl Siblings or Lovers? The Detroit duo who managed to dub the press has released yet another excellent single. The uniqueness of the White Stripes' sound will capture your spirit and blend it with Jack's superb blues guitar riffs throughout the perfect 110 seconds of Felt In Love With A Girl. The equally brilliant B-sides Let's Shake Hands and Lafayette Blues successfully extend this moment of perfect musi-. cal bliss. This single is a must for any indie lover! ????? VALERIASEVERINI gUBWAY SUBWAY EP Manchester duo Subway are Nuphonic's latest release. This is a 4-track EP meant to give you a taste of what Subway's music is like. Welt, it tastes pretty damn good: the first track, Givin' It All Up To You, uses a voice sample from one of Simply Red's classic hits to create an excellent, chilled-out house tune which wilt be sure to get your heads bopping to the beat! ????? RLEFR0G6E BETA BAND SQUARES The Beta Band; you'd think one day they might lose their gift of managing to perpetually turn out musical and conceptual gems. Well, thankfully not yet, because Squares doesn't disappoint. Yet another wondrous trip into experimental/psychedelic beats and dreamy vocals, somehow making a tune which in essence is rather melancholy put a summer-esque smile on your face. A slice of genius? Without a doubt... DROP A gem from this month's long-playing highlight Point, Drop is everything you could ask for from Cornelius the ingenius pop scientist. A maverick who's deification is more than justisfted. In addition to the album track included here are two new mixes from Tusen Takk and Matthew Herbert, both of which add to, and do not detract the track. MIKEBURN THi 499 WAITING FOR MY HEART TO BREAK This is a simple three-chord Britpop-esque offering from The 45s, a new Brighton-based, 4 berth beat combo. Psychedelic tinges foil a bouncy chorus which is satisfying enough to be getting along with. However, the next few months will indicate whether they are destined to reach Supergrass-like peaks or the bargain-bucket trough of Supernaturals-dom.. CHARLIEJURD JAZMINBURGESS ANDREW WK SHE IS BEAUTIFUL "She is beautiful, she is beautiful and when it's time to party we will party hard!" The new single from Mr WK is unquestionably the same as his previous effort and joy, Party Hard. Duh Duh Duh, Duh Da! The man is a god of irony and he rawks. MIKEBURN MORNING HAS BROKEN Coming on hard and loud, giving you It full and ai^ressively in tlie face it's the Eighties IVIatchbox B-Line Diaster. One of the new foceis of UKROCK, the 80s iVIBD are like the Cramps brawling with the Stooges in a dirty, oily garage. Get excited, be affraid, they've come for you and your family iand they're taking no prison- ????? MIKEBURN The Medical Model MIKEBURN examines Clinic's third album: Walking With Thee & talks to bassist Brian Campbell from the band. The diagnosis?... Clinic are like a swarm of bees. They buzz ferociously around you with an irrepressible energy. Their sound is unique; an amalgamation of elements from different times and different genres. Punk, Soul and Dub all being prominent In their sound. However Clinic are described; concept-rock, art-rock, punk or whatever, their originality Is their strongest point. Walking With Thee is the follow up to their immensely successful debut album of 2000, Internal Wrangler. Walking With Thee, however, sees a slight departure In direction from the Liverpool four-piece. The different elements come to the forefront. The Donna Summer-esque disco bass line on Harmony Is particularly notable. Pet Enoch Is the punk In Clinic manifest, ferocious and biting. Come Into Our Room shows their most sinister side, which is Indeed very sinister. "Clinic are like a swarm of bees. They buzz ferociously Critics would write this album off for not producing anything 'new', for not building on the Clinic sound. The Clinic sound, however. Is what their fans have come to love and although the album seems samey In parts one cannot fall to appreciate the Clinic formula. Bassist Brian Campbell told me that the band we're conscious of not being contrived; they wanted to make an honest album which remained to true roots. For a band who thought they would never get this far they are delighted. Brian, on a certain song which appeared on the advertisement of a certain multi-national clothes company: "If we hadn't have done that, then we wouldn't have been able to make this album". Brian told me that the reason behind the masks Isn't some attempt to be concept rock but the fact that the band are all hideously ugly. Whatever the Clinic formula Is, for me, K's a winner and Walking WHh Thee Is an album which has In Its originality much more to offer than the ntajorlty of the current crop of Indie bands. (8) Walking With Thee Is out now on Domino Records > Custom Built VICTORIAPECKETT checks the build quality off the up and coming Custom Blue ^ m Custom Blue don't come across as the kind of group who enjoy being interviewed by a bunch of motley students. Not that they aren't completely friendly, albeit in a professional manner. It's just that they'd rather let the music speak for itself. Hence we find ourselves gathered in the dingy confines of Notting Hill Arts Club, waiting for the duo - Alex Pilkington and Simon Shippey - to take to the stage with the bare equipment of two acoustic guitars and a bassist, to do just that. The gig was part of Radio One's regular One World Live night, the self-professed 'melting-pot' of electronic club influences, ranging from hip-hop and breakbeats to underground house and dub. So hang on - why were Custom Blue choosing this atmosphere to reveal their acoustic debut? The answer lies in their forthcoming album. All Follow Everyone, which fuses beats to the raw shell of their guitars. They have clearly been influenced by club culture, confessing that they have fought very hard ensure they aren't pigeon-holed with the NAM (New Acoustic Movement) label. Alex stressed the point further by mentioning the amount of time that had gone into the electronic side of things. Rather than whacking beats over the tracks willy-nilly, they used old instruments, tweaking the sounds to make them personal and lending an organic flavour to the album. Their conscious rebellion against the straight indie format all seemed a little ironic, however, given their desire to use the acoustic set to let the songs shine through. If the pure songwriting format is obviously so important, why not leave it stripped down on the album too? The answer became clearer as their set finally began. Although some aspects worked very well in the live setting, the majority of the songs patently lacked something without beats and strings to flesh the mood out. The lyrics are intimate, but not intimate enough to stand their ground against the chatter of clubbers and the poor sound quality they were unfortunately lumbered with. This is despite their obviously heart-felt approach, where songwriting is 'something that just seems to sort of happen' at 3 am in the morning, when all those real emotions come flooding out. The one touch that often redeemed the set from timidity was the unexpected beauty of Alex's voice. It really did come of nowhere, and visibly shocked most of the audience with its power and sincerity. That kind of craftsmanship is something that just can't be forced, and on balance, it carried the soulful elements of the album onto the tiny stage of the NHAC admirably. f Biffy Clyro CHARLIEJURD on the Glasgow popcore outfi at the Highbury Garage, Islington Surely taking an early lead in the running for 2002's Hardest Working Band. T/ieBeaver encounters Biffy Clyro slap-bang in the middle of their own headline tour, which began just three days after their tour with hot new alt-rockers The Cooper Temple Clause. The Scottish three-piece now signed to Beggars Banquet have moved quickly on merit through the ranks of independent labels dropping gems such as thekidswhopoptodaywillrocktomorrow on the way. The sound is rock; ragged and uncompromising; but the guitar distortion and random howls are only half the Biffy Clyro story. Rousing choruses and harmonious vocal interplay between guitarist Simon Neil (imagine Mitch from Neighbours doing Kurt Cobain at karaoke) and bassist James Johnston, also wash over the audience like sonic tsunami. On tracks such as hope for an angel they succeed in making lots of noise seem simultaneously fragile and beautiful. As the new single 57, complete with its "oooh, oooh, oooh" audience participation sing-a-long chorus threatens to lift the roof of the Highbury Garage and recent single 27 (House!) gets its 27th live airing this year, it is clear that Biffy travel well. Sounding not dissimilar to recent rock breakthroughs My Vitriol, with a debut album Blackened Sky set to spurt out of the record pipeline on 11 March, and barring a burnout from their incessant touring schedule Bifly Clyro could have a very good year indeed. 4 music > albums ECHOBRAIN ECHOBRAIN IKARA COLT CHAT AND BUSINESS TIMOMA/^ LOUO REMY ZERO THE GOLDEN HUM DEPARTURE TOO LATE TO DIE YOUNG Echobrain is ex-Metaltica bassist, Jason Newsted's new band, I must confess the music was a huge, albeit : refreshing, surprise, instead of heavy and quirlcy the atbum is meltow but at , tile same time does rocl<. It has been likened to many barJds such as Soundgarden yet has a distinctly unique flavour. Every tfacl< has some-, thing different about it. ' Kirk Hammett and Jim Martin mal The 'Other' RSC A Complete History of America "It's not the length of your history but what you do with it that counts!" This has never been truer than in the Reduced Shakespeare Company's production of The Complete History of America. These three men take you on a wild and crazy romp through 13,000 years of American history in just under two hours: good old Amerigo Vespucci, some early Native American history, the revolution, Salem, the most amazing Civil War slide show you'll see this side of public television, all the way through the grassy knoll, both World Wars and some gratuitous psyche- s delic drug use. They sing,* they dance, they fight wars,l they discover new lands - how'' much more excitement could you" ask for in one evening?? The show is fast paced and exceptionally funny, though definitely geared more at the American ex-pat communis. However, being an American ex-pat myself, I found the show to be uproariously funny; The production was not flawless, however - lines were forgotten, jokes were laughed at, but it added to the homey feel of the show, and left you unsure of how much of the show was improvised. A word to the wise - they do a question and answer session on American History, so before you go think up a few outrageous questions and see whether the boys on stage can handle them. The Compiete History of America would never be classified as high art, but it is by far the funniest thing I've seen in London to date. I laughed non-stop for the entire duration of the show. So if you're looking for some mindless escapism, I highly suggest the hilarious antics of the Complete History of America. ????? Reviewed by Emily Gray The Criterion Theatre, box office: 020 74131437, Piccadily Circus. JOIN OUR TEAM! INTERESTED IN LIVING THE GLAMOROUS LIFE OF A THEATRE REVIEWER? We are currently recruiting new members to enjoy London's top shows, and then tell us what they think. It's a rough life, but someone's gotta do it. email sstheatre@hotmail.com King Lear One of Shakespeare's most important tragedies, King Lear materialises when he asks his three daughters, Gonerll, Reagan and Cordelia, if they love him. The first two say yes and only Cordelia is honest and says that only as a daughter. For pretending to love their father, Lear promises Goneril and Reagan each half of his kingdom while Cordelia is disinherited. His two most 'beloved' daughters then plot his downfall to gain their legacy. Lear then goes mad and dies tragically. The first shock comes When you walk into the Almeida and discover a beautiful stage that ends up being gradually destroyed, mainly by one of the best rain scenes I have ever seen in a live theatre, because it includes real water coming out of somewhere of the theatre for about 20 minutes, as well as great thunder effects. Very good acting from all actors, especially from the many awards winner, Oliver Ford Davies, who plays Lear. He has a commanding presence, a resonant voice and is every inch the patriarchal bully confronting his own moral blindness in the three hours and 10 minutes that the play lasts. To all of William Shakespeare's fans, I think you shouldn't miss this play. For everybody else, I should just warn you that this drama lasts for about three hours and ten minutes; also, if you are not very used to 'old' English, there are many parts of the play that you will not understand a word of what they are saying. Nevertheless, I think it is a worthwhile play to see for everybody. ????? Reviewed by George Mendez Almeida Theatre at King's Cross until March 30. Box office: 020 7359 4404. Theatre News! "N Perth Brendon Burns will be bringing his foul-mouthed, but sharfHwitted and highly original comedy to London for 4 nights only at the Soho Theatre, London from Wednesday 20 -Saturday 23 March at 8 pm. His television credits include; being featured throughout the Channel 4 series Edinburgh Or Bust, presenter The 11 O'Ciock Show (Channel 4); presenter MTV Hot (MTV), The Stand Up Show (.BBC) and the sitcom Turn The World Down (Channel 4). 'Simply a legend In the making...sparkling stuff The Guardian 'Cocky, eonftdent and cttail8math...he has what It takes to be the best' The Times Carmen Georges Bizet's work of art, Carmen, performs at the Royal Albert Hall in its authentic opera-comique form. It is a masterpiece with a balance with words and music that is used to give a dramatic purpose. It is a tale of passion, love, honour and betrayal. The story starts in the public square of Seville where a group of soldiers are stationed on duty. Don Jose, one of the soldiers receives a message from home urging him to marry Micaela, the girl who brings the rnessage. She is an orphan girl his mother had adopted. He considers his mother's advice. However, at this time, the factory women around their station get into a fight and the main culprit is Carmen, a gypsy girl with fiery eyes and temper to match her flirtatious personality. She is pursued by every soldier except Jose who thinks her disgusting. She is sent to jail for maliciously wounding another woman. Jose is ordered by his commander to take to Jail. However, she persuades Jose to become her lover and let her escape. This is the beginning of a roller-coaster ride in their relationship, which is full of suspicion, obsession and grave jealousy but leads to murder. It is a great story and well performed at the Royal Albert Hall. In the 127 years since its premiere. Carmen has inspired dozens of plays, musicals, ballets, films and books. It is one of the most popular operas to date and for those who wonder what opera is all about I recommend Carmen to you. Let it be your first love! ????? Reviewed by Shola Bablngton-Ashaye Royal Albert Hall, box office: 020 7838 3100. Thursday 21 Feb to Thursday 7 March 2002. ^ theatre ) The Glee Club Richard Cameron's new play at the Bush Theatre, The Glee Club, follows the lives of six miners-cum-singers through a year when music and everything else in their lives changes forever. The musical director and founder of the glee club, Phil, is wrongly accused of touching young choirboys, while Walt wrestles with the death of his wife and sending his children off to live with other people because he can no longer deal with parenting. Bant's wife has left him and is gallivanting around with the Rington's Tea Man. Scobie is expecting his third child very soon, and Jack recently met up with the woman of his childhood fantasies. Colin, the youngest member of the group at 19, is trying to decide whether to settle down with his girlfriend Sandra, or pursue his dreams of becoming a rock star. Add to this some serious infidelity, homophobia, unplanned pregnancy, alcoholism and a practical joke taken a little bit too far, and you've got the makings of a brilliant soap opera. But these six men are so very raw and human that, despite all their flaws, you can't help but get caught up In their stories. Theatre is supposed to transport you, to make you step outside of yourself for a while. The Glee Club does just that. All six men are powerful actors with some musical talent to boot. David Bamber does a particularly stunning job as Phil, the quiet martyr of the group. Unfortunately the whole show is done in a thick Yorkshire accent, which was difficult for my American ears to understand at parts. The Glee Club is well worth seeing, though audience members should expect some brief male nudity. Be sure to get there well before curtain, however, since the way to the seats is through the stage, so no latecomers are admitted. Reviewed by Emily Gray Bush Theatre, Box Office: 020 7610 4224, Tube: Shepherd's Bush. Pushup Having sex in the boss's office, watching TV without thinking, and searching for nudie pics on the net are some of the out of work pursuits of the employees chrorv icied in the play Push Up. Push Up, German playwright Roland Schimmelpfennig's first work to be shown in the UK, is part of the International Playwrights Season at the Royal Court Theatre. The play, with uncompromising parallel structure, takes a look into the lives of those climbing the corporate ladder, showing the sad emptiness that comes about with unending searching for money or corporate success. Although the characters are combative in conversation, their internal monologues line up side by side, often repeating each other, showing the characters' similarities and at times foreshadowing their future. The play comes to the simple conclusion that money or success at work does not equal happiness. However, the parallel structure shows this a little too simply, to the point where the play feels too structured. The first segment shows two women, the owner of the company and an employee, arguing about the rejection of the employee's application for promotion to the coveted job in Delhi. The two women, at odds, have identical empty sexless lives with the same difficulties deciding what to wear in the morning. Although lines such as "Just so you understand: the problem is not that you're fucking my husband. The problem is that you need to," made the exchange Interesting, the repeating of monologues word for word to show the similarities between the two became somewhat tiresome. However the performances of Sian Thomas and Lucy Whybrow in this segment, along with the performances of all the actors, were engaging. The second segment was less repetitive, and the third segment, although not as repetitive, I found slightly boring. The idea behind the play, that the pursuit of money and success will not necessarily lead to happiness, is interesting but not really groundbreaking. I found the line drawn between the happy joking of the security guards and the melancholy of the driven employees too simple a description of the elements of happiness. The play provides for an intriguing look to the futures of the LSE's aspiring bankers, but Schimmelpfennig's careful construction allows for no grey areas, resulting in a play which compares corporate lives interestingly, but too strictly. Reviewed by Bien Correia Royal Court Theatre Upstairs. Box Office; 020 7565 5100. Tube - Sloane Square A Masked Ball A Masked Ball, by the Italian composer Verdi is a story of betrayal, abuse of power, sorcery and true love. The plot is very unoriginal, and nothing you haven't seen or heard before: the King sleeps with his best friend's wife, and his best friend seeks revenge by killing the King and everybody grieves. End of story, all go home. Why then is there so much excitement in the media about this particular opera? Not for the fact that it's a play by Verdi, but for the fact that it is Calixto Bieito who directed it. He is well known for the 'boos' he received after his destruction of Mozart's Don Giovani,. The stage is set and the scene opens. Greeted by 14 men sitting on lavatories with their trousers around their ankles, you know that this is a Calixto Bieto work. His fascination with graphic scenes of violence and sex borders on the disturbing and he does not restrict himself here. The English National Opera warns of the black humour and adult scenes, but most of them are just unnecessary and silly. While their defence is that we see worse things on TV- we expect better from the opera. All throughout 1 wondered if these scenes added to my understanding of the play, or if they contributed to the emotions being portrayed- most times not rgally. Of course not everybody agrees with me and according to Times critic Rodney Milnes the first scene where a 14 men were sitting on toilets with their trousers down was "'actually rather beautiful". No comment. In all honesty, the scenes were not as disturbing as the media have made it to seem but they really are unnecessary. I agree with Rupert Christiansen, the Daily Telegraph opera critic, who wrote "transvestites, dwarves, gratuitous sexual couplings and visits to the lavatory distract us in every scene". It's true- why can't Bieto just stick to the plot? Was it absolutely necessary for one of the conspirators to rub his hands ail over that lady's chest? - 1 think not. Plus, how feasible is it that the king and his lover (or anyone) would want to attempt to make love with a dead body some inches away? These scenes were not part of Verdi's original opera and do not warrant inclusion. The Evening Standard claimed that the reasons for the gratuitous sex scenes are a stab at publicity- so that's the end of that. Regarding the actors each actor performed to the best of their ability-that fact is not disputed. Vocally, everyone deserves kudos- and the orchestra did a magnificent job. If you are able to ignore the aforementioned scenes of sex and violence (including gang rape) then you should be able to enjoy this wonderful piece by Verdi. ????? Reviewed by Adejoke Babington-Ashaye English National Opera, Box Office: 020 7632 8300, Trafalgar Square, £13-£55 Freebies! AND WHO CAN RESIST THAT? 1) For free tickets to A Complete History of America (Abridged) tell us which politltian recent/y had a serious conflict with a pretzel. 2) For free tickets to Pushup, tell us in which Travis video is singer Fran Healy seen doing a day's worth of pushups? 3) For free tlx to see A Masked Ball at the English National Opera, tell us which came first, clothes or jewellery? The kindness continues... 4)For tickets to see Carmen at the Royal Albert Hall, tell us how many years ago it premiered? Please email your answers to sstheatre@hotmail.com. And your bribes provided they are weightier than lunch at Wrights! Tickets are subject to availability. CHEAPIES! in case you don't win. FOR £5: Royal Court Mondays! All seats are £5, and a three course meal is available in their resto for £10. FOR £10: Any show at the National Theatre, student standby 45 min. before the production. Standby to see The Complete History of America or The Complete Works of William Shakespeare at the Criterion Theatre, 1/2 hr before production. 4"biart)— Signals Just The Facts. [Title: Signals: An Inspiring Story of Life After Life I Author: Joel Rothschild iRelease Date: February 2002 r« to How do you cope with the loss of a loved one? Do you ever think of life after death and is it really that far-fetched to believe that contact can be he might have. He would signal that there was a world beyond. This would be our signal of hope'. However, after Joel discovers Albert has taken his own life 'Whoever was first to die wouid try to contact the other-with a signal, with whatever psychic abiiity he might have. He would signal that there was a world beyond" made between this world and the next? 'There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, Than are dreamt of In your philosophy', comes to mind and Joel Rothschild conveys this beautifully in his book. Signals. It is a true story, focusing on Joel's friendship with Albert Fleites (to whom this book is dedicated) and the impact this has on Joel's life. Signals highlights the intense relationship between Joel and Albert as they battle against AIDS. Living in LA, during the early days of the AIDS epidemic, these two best friends witness the disease take the lives of many of their closest friends. Consequently, they fear that they will be next and so decide to make a pact, 'Whoever was first to die would try to contact the other-with a signal, with whatever psychic ability { literature >¦ on 1 June 1994 his whole life is shattered, 'Now I couldn't care less about this pact. I didn't want his signals'. 'My greatest friend, my ally, my family, my life, my joy, my laughter, had taken his own life...that selfish act had broken every promise he had ever made to me, including the promise he would never abandon me'. Yet, despite his anger at being left behind, Joel cannot ignore the signals, support, words and guidance that ness, he can use to help others. The amazing encounters, life-saving experience's, and sudden appearances of humming-birds and hearts (which were very significant during Joel and Albert's friendship) portray more than just coincidence. We all want to believe in afterlife. This "What started off life as a private journal, ended up as a published masterpiece." Albert is sending him. He also begins to discover that his late friend has left him a special gift, a psychic aware- book proves it. The power of hope, love and friendship live longer than a lifetime. As one of America's longest- living AIDS survivors, if not the longest-living AIDS survivor, Joel Rothschild has outlived his doctors' prognosis and two of his doctors. Albert's signals to Joel have given him the power and will to continue and heal. 'A work of great beauty and profound spiritual power. Everyone who has lost a loved one I should read it and that is no exaggeration'- Raymond A Moody, author of Life After I Life. What started off life as a private journal ended up as a published masterpiece. Thank you Joel Rothschild and thank you Albert. ????? reviewed by Seniha Sami' Just The Facts... Title: Sin to Win Author: Marc Lewis Release Date: February 2002 F A, 3 SIN TO WIN I have only been given the introduction and a trial chapter to Marc Lewis' book and thus my views are entirely based upon those meagre 42 pages. Sin to Win is a self-help book of sorts which is orientated entirely around the premise that if you disobey the Seven Deadly Sins you will succeed in all facets of life. This is of course a load of rubbish and Marc Lewis does nothing in the way to convince me otherwise speaker. This I can believe as his book is written in an incredibly easy to read trashy style and you can almost imagine every sleazeball word emanating from his mouth. " Sin to Win is a seif-lielp tyook of sorts which is orientated entireiy around the premise that if you disobey the Seven Deadly Sins you wili succeed in ali facets of life." I fully intend to lie and cheat my way through life being proud and lustful at as many opportunities are available to me so I fail to see the point of this book what so ever. Thus I can only assume it is designed for an American market or other group of simpletons who actually pay attention to any of this self-help rubbish. I have investigated Marc Lewis and other than being very rich no doubt down to behaving like a bastard he is also considered to be quite the talented public This book however will make you laugh. Whether it is at some of the actually mildly witty quips contained in the book or simply over the sheer idiocy of the book and its puerile philosophies. I would be tempted to buy a copy just to see how low it can go but not that tempted. If you feel the need for some book for your toilet that if in emergency can also be called upon for toilet paper replacement then this is for you other than that steer well clear and above all do not look to it for career or life advice as it is sadly confused and quite simply full of cack. ????? reviewed by Matt Trenhalle -c > CM Fury Life is fury. Fury - sexual, Oedipal, political, magical, brutal -drives us to our finest heights and coarsest depths. This is what we are, what we civilise ourselves to disguise - the terrifying human animal in us, the exalted, transcendent, self-destructive, untrammelled lord of creation. We raise each other to the heights of joy. We tear each other limb from bloody limb.' IVIalik Solanka is the subject of this novel, a millionaire doll maker and historian of ideas resident in the sprawling metropolis of New York. More specifically, it is the struggle of Malik with his anger and return to his abandoned son. Malik is a man that has left a ruin of marriages behind him and his friendships break too. The women that come into his life are destined to leave him, even when he believes that his love has won over anger. The story is told against the backdrop of murder and social upheaval, all motivated by anger, which Rushdie tries to write as one of the Just The Facts... Title: FURY Author: Salnnan Rushdie ^ate: August 2001 Publisher: Quality Paperbacks sinews of the soul. The book ends with a sense of personal tragedy and new hope as Malik absurdly frolics on a bouncy castle. The book is a swirling mish-mash of language. It is as if Rushdie has become half-crazed with all the books that he has read and spewed them all forth in a feverish stew. He aims at a meta-lan-guage which is ultimately a failure because of all the dictionary is almost an essential companion to this novel. What of the preoccupations of the novel? In disgusting excesses of language, almost a modern Dickensian, Rushdie launches into a tired tirade against capitalism while at the same time glorifying it. The novel exploits the themes of sexual perversion and "It is as if Rushdie has become half-crazed with all the books that he has read and spewed them all forth in a feverish stew" The characters in this book are, in short, unlovable. This is not a criticism as such, but the fact that they are uncomplicated is. The doll leitmotif is pretentious and obvious in the case of Mila. Neela is impossibly beautiful and idealistic (also leading me to the question of the rhyming names and linked names, what is the point?). Malik's friends, who all seem to commit suicide, or have no morals at all, all talk alike and seem to derive from a homogenous strain of jerk, as he himself does. baggage that it carries with it. There are other faults of style too: it seems that Rushdie watches far too much CNN and expects us to do the same. The book is almost certain to prove ephemer-ally contemporary and as a compensation for this, Rushdie conflates it unsuccessfully with Greek myth. Rushdie can also not resist writing with the muscles bulging out of his biro and we find that the murder in a most formulaic manner and the emancipation and eventual failure of Lilliput-Blefunscu, an Indian village rife with segregation and persecution, is a very undeveloped and unsatisfying sub-plot. Malik's creativity and concupiscence are also themes that diverge and develop with the book and lead him to try and know himself, in the terms of that ancient Delphic oracle. I would recommend you to tongue-kiss a turd rather than read this book. It is written for and centres around a literati-coterie and tells us nothing about being human in the modern world. It is sometimes offensive but overall, and perhaps worse of all, it is banal and unmemorable. ????? reviewed by Suneel Mehmi ¥. I 1 Bridget Jones The Edge of Reason Bridget Jones Part 11. Sequels can be dodgy. I cite Speed, The Swan Princess and Young Guns. But literature (with the exception of Scariet; Gone wHh the Wind //) has more success. In the tradition of C S Lewis, Tolkein and McCaffrey Fielding has only got better. The story borders the sublime, but still seems to reflect my own life in so many ways. Bridget Is still getting pissed on her own and striving to be poised and sophisticated and still falling. The diet and fitness crazes are there - and the constant worry over her weight and appearance. Just when you thought they'd had their golden happy endli^ Mark Darcy and Bridget face more trials - mainly In the form ""The story borders the sublime, but still seems to reflect my own life in so many ways" of naked Phlliplno boys and skinny whiney bitches. There's a 'Bangkok Hilton' type dhrerslon - but without all the harrowing scenes. After all where better to lose weight?!! Fielding keeps it light and witty, an ironic portrayal of 30-some-thing single life (and In my case It's very like 20-something single life), yet with an unde^ lying acknowledgment of the modem ditiema's and worries facing women and men. BrMget Jones Is a genius of a comic creation, embodying women's fears and woes in working and personal situations. Ufe doesn't end at 30!! Yeah!!!! ????? reviewed by Broke Jado scuttle on back next week for reviews of the shipping news and hearts In atlantls, black rebel motorcycle club and Icarus line live and more stuff we haven't dared dream up yet... vyjJJ HAVENT GOT A lOBP Don't worry... why don't you be your own employer? Become an ENTREPRENEUR with the help of and Advice on: • How to start up yoxir own business • Sources of finance • Business plans • Careers as an Entrepreneur ENTREPRENEUR AL yqwiN*: • ^SIGNED Jamirodli&i-'CDs' ^ m .-r- ^ ^ ^ V .^SIGNED Damage posters And other freebi^jj-'V " ' A^i^ect to availability ""p. Date: Thursday 7 March Time: 16:00hrs V©nU6r E80 (Function Room) Near Alpha Books Snacks & Refreshments will be provided V For more information email: Su.Soc.Entrepreneurial@lse.ac.uk Monday 4 March Page 33 Rugby give UGL every inch! « 9f Darius Pop Idol or Gay wet dream? Tabatabi Men's Rugby LSE Ists UCL Ists Loads None I would like to be able to say that it was a season covered in glory for the mighty LSE first XV, and that our final game was nothing more but a formality in our run to league superiority, but unfortunately after a season that had been tighter on points than a virgin's pussy with cock, we were struggling for survival in a relegation battle with the benders from Russell square. Even with such a season record behind us, our heads were high, and with the call made by our glorious leader. Captains Cook's band of merry men, was swollen with the re-emergence of Simon Gilbert, and South African Dave. Having managed to put together quite a useful little team from out of nowhere, it has to be said that Cookie was so excited that his pre-match team talk consisted of little more 4: "hi Darius tries to swallow what UCL could not! than invective. Regardless of the endless facial of abuse that seemed to come from Edward in between bouts of his usual pre-match vomiting routine, everyone seemed cool and ready to go. And then we hit the pitch, I can't really remember most of the match and I won't bore you with the details, but I for one don't think that UCL were ever really in it, and after some rugby that was "Fantastic to watch." (I quote one of their supporters) we headed for the shower covered in glory. For me the most entertaining part of the day came when even Cookie's colourful line of abuse, was made as nothing beside the UCL scrum-half who after being given a yellow card, ten minutes from the end, at the end of the match strolled up to the referee and told him; "Referee, you are a twat. You are the most useless ref. I have ever had to put up with." To which the referee said nothing and then, had a word in the UCL skipper's ear to tell him; "I don't mind telling you that your friend will never play for college again." Well, fair enough I guess, I for one certainly wasn't crying. So we kicked them at rugby, and then we laughed in their collective dayces. The UCL hooker was good enough to give an interview to BeaverTV, in which he said "They fisted us good. I am nothing but a bad-tem-pered, stumpy little pikey. I am very short because my parents raised me in a caravan with a soggy roof, and couldn't afford to feed me proper food. I often lived off food scraps which I found under the other caravans in our pikey-park. Anyway today we lost to the better team. Sadly there is no room in the motorhome for me on the way back to the trailer park at Russell Square, and I will have to live in a dustbin until someone can come back for me. Combine inches = marathon of cock! Spare any change, guv'nor?" At this point we play King's next year in the league. Most of felt sorry for him and left him to his own the team are first and second year so we can misery. only get better (?), and roll on oiir BUSA So what next for the rugby team? Well, playoff fixture, if we are lucky we could even we stay up and that gives us the chance to play someone who will really cock on us. "They beat us good. I am nothing but a bad-tempered, stumpy little pikey. I am very short because my parents raised me in a caravan with a soggy roof, and couldn't afford to feed me proper food. I often lived off food scraps which I found under the other caravans in our pikey-park. Anyway today we lost to the better team. Sadly there is no room in the motorhome for me on the way back to the trailer park at Russell Square, and I will have to live in a dustbin until someone can come back for me. Spare any change, guv'nor?" trCL Player Page 34 Tfw Beatxr Sport Monday 4 March Squash in Poly facial shame "STRAND POLT CELEBRATE SEMI-FINAL VICTORY WITH fi PINTS IN TUNS. POLICE CALLED TO INVESTIGATE TRAVESTY" Will " I am a grubby inbred with a double-barreled name" Rowlands-Rees A cup semi-final against our biggest rivals should have been the thrilling tight derby affairs that only Newcastle and Simderland can produce in the premiership (Merseyside derby=dull boring passionless tedium, north London derby=easy Arsenal victory as Spurs are kak). Having been spanked 5-0 early in the season in BUSA we were keen to show them just how much we improved since that dark day in our history. All turned out in our sp2inky new kits except Charlie who had forgotten his despite repeated reminders, we certainly looked the part. In fact Charlie started out in his match like a man possessed, charging around the court like an enraged buU on Viagra. Unfortunately this 'new Charlie' latest about three points by which point he looked I fell at the final hurdle. Myself, I played their captain in a much anticipated match, more from him I think than me. My first game performance was so bad, I was thinking of retiring early to the Tuns and leaving everyone on the courts wondering where I had gone. Still, one self-motivational talk and a speed wank by the I Salsa class in the quad, I steamed back into the match with a hard fought win in the second. Game on I thought, as did everyone else. However, my inner psychi had other plans, and despite good play and points, I lost the next two games. Moises. Moises. What to write about this stud of LSE squash. Somewhat disturbed by Men's Squash LSE 0 (Bobbed!) The Poly 5 (Filthy Cheating Poly!) completely shagged. However, he did play bloody well, and certainly can take no shame from his close loss, on another day he would have spanked the maths and physics student into the upper stratosphere. Ed too played a competitive match against some tit that loved Kings so much, that after his 4 year degree has decided to a degree in medicine and stay there for another 5 years. Lucky boy. Still not even the Field Marshall could prevent defeat against his canny onslaught. Tom played perhaps the best game of the year, certainly that was how it was described to me by both him and Charlie. Racing to a 2-0 lead against camp Pete, having never beaten him in three years and at least 5 previous attempts, all looked rosy for Bungle. However, a distinct lack of endurance training of late with his Missus (apparently the tantric sex wasn't her cup of tea) meant that Tom faded somewhat in the third, only to roar back in the fourth to be denied by a dodgy call or seven from their scorer. However, despite his best efforts, Tom too Banana proved to be a poor substitute for meaty cock! my comments a few weeks back regarding his sodomisation of a random Lithuanian (I am still not sure if he disagreed with the sodomy, the randomness of the girl, or whether he doesn't particularly fancy Lithuanians or a combo, but mark my words he was upset), he was aU fired up to beat the lanky sod that had the cheek to play our legend. Unfortunately, their player was fresh back from the Danish national championships where his national ranking had gone up to 6. A true legend of the game, he dispatched Moises despite some of the most athletic displays on a squash court since the era of Chris WooUey. Final result LSE lost the ULU cup semi-final 5-0. Afterwards WiU was embarrassed because whilst buying a round in the Tuns, he had to order a number of fi pints of Caffreys for the Kings boys. Will would like to go on record as apologizing to aU Tunes staff that were affected by this shocking incidence, and promises that whilst he is squash captain Kings squash players will NEVER be allowed into the Tuns again. Sorry.. Drunk Ridiculous Man on AU Election Sleaze Election fever has once again hit the AU (and, less importantly, the SU). It's that time of year once more: AU hustings in the Tuns are a reality. However, this year it's slightly different, the incumbent Athletic Union Events Officer, an undistinguished, retiring and generally quiet fellow by the name of Peter Drewienkiewicz, has asked the other half of his personality, one 'Charterhouse', to oi^anize the hustings. Charterhouse kindly agreed to become MC for the evening and has arranged a , hellish obstacle course of death defying feats for the prospective candidates to perform. Not only will candidates give the customary 2 minute speeches they will have to do so in fancy dress. Then Cometh the wheel. Yes, the return of the wheel of death, last seen at the AU Barrel. So, as Loyd Grossman might say in a sick, twisted, alternative version of through the keyhole, "who on earth would put themselves through an ordeal like this?" Let's meet the candidates: AU President: Which clown would we have lead the beloved AU? Up first we have a mystery man Typical AU who used to think that he was Pel6 and now believes himself to be George Dubbya Bush. However, he wiU be known to history as 'the shirtless wonder'. He claims that his credentials for AU President are insuperable since, like the last two AU Presidents, 'El Tel' Wogan and 'Bullshit' CaUas; he is a fat, shit, useless centre-back. Up against 'the shirtless wonder' we have 'super tramp', the sabb shagger. This man has managed in 2 years to achieve what Bernardo Duggan took 12 to do. Congratulations are in order, but do they stand him in good stead to be your president? AU Secretary; It has been said that the responsibility of the secretary is only to make the President coffee and perform fellatio on him. Mr. De Quelen would disagree and say that these roles have been reversed for the previous year. This year two netbaU beauties (surely a contradiction in terms? - ed.) fight for the right to control both the minutes of the Executive Committee meetings and the content of the drinks served therein. They shall simply be distinguished as 'the taU one' and the 'not tall one'. The tall one certainly has the brains since she reached the final round of the LSESU's search for candidates for University Challenge, but does she have the fellatio ability? The not tall one is a sultry vixen who has been known to prey on men, only JP can tell us whether she has the fellatio ability. AU Club Liaison: This position must require someone with the gentle, diplomatic, understanding touch you may foolishly think. The candidates would disagree, being called, as they are, Psycho, Pirate and Felcher. Psycho has been terrorizing other ULU Rugby clubs aU season and thinks that he can do the same to sports clubs within the AU. The Pirate would contest this; he has used his hook to savage opposition strikers throughout the football season and claims that he has the weaponry to do it to the AU Clubs. The Felcher thinks that her welching, felching techniques would translate nicely from the hockey pitch to the AU. AU Treasurer: The AU budget is no trifling matter; it requires some with competence and skill to distribute. Shame about the candidates then, there reaUy is nothing to choose between these two muppets. Bisexual Billy Muppet has been struggling to sort his own life out for many a year now and beUeves that he can lend his experience to the AU treasury. However, can you trust a man that travels from Hombres to Wood Green via Peterborough? Emmo says that he can be trusted with the AU budget since he has experience with these kinds of things. However, he is constantly fined by his Rugby peers Candidate! for forgetting which sports club he belongs to and he has been living with the likes of Fat Angry Msin and Oslo for a prolonged period. His mind must have been warped. AU Communications: Who will design the posters and publicizes the AU for the next year? Ugly and boring, but pulls quite a lot, JP is a candidate, however his experience at communication can only be described as grunting both on the rugby' pitch and in the bedroom, but mostly on the rugby pitch. The Vikingesque leader of the fledgling women's rugby team also believes that she is the right person for the job; will her creative but fiery touch prove successful? Light as a Feather Holly believes that her match making abilities gained through trying to set up hapless losers in the RAG week Blind Date can be put to good use in the Communications role. Who will win this desirable prize? Only a WWF-style triple threat match will teU. AU Events: Who can top Mimterhouse? Anyone with half a brain cell I hear you ciy. But, only two have been brave enough to throw their respective hats into the ring. As his name befits, Mr. DVDA is certainly proficient at creating rather more intricate pornographic events within his north London pad. He is also known to pull more than just beautiful pints; can he do aU this for the AU? Against Mr. DVDA Emms stands, her argument simple; one limeUght missed in two years and that was to go to Cheapskates. Didn't Callas use this in his manifesto last year? And what did he become...a smug, boring tosser AU elections take place on Wednesday 6th and Thursday 7th March. Good luck to aU candidates. By Doug Hancock Monday 4 March Continued from back page. What's left to say is a big thank you to Captain Presley for her unseconded effort all season! Thanks to you, team! I don't think a women's hockey double has ever been seen in LSE's history! AU the best to Nina, Cinzano Girl, W, Jo, Katie J, Loni, Captain Presley, Aisling and Maria the Dude who will all leave LSE this year (sony if I've missed anyone). Until then, see you aU in the Tuns and good luck next yesir for those of you who're (im-)fortimate enough to stay! I've thoroughly enjoyed the season and hope nobody took my on-pitch encouragement/ insults personally! You've been wonderful! It's been a great season! And a little note from Captain Presley: It's been great being on the team with you guys on and off the pitch, shame the year is up. An unrivalled season, matched by an unrivalled team, I'm sure I speak for everyone by saying that this really has been a pleasure, and I personally will miss all you guys immensely. I'm glad I was able to do my bit to help things along - wouldn't do it for anyone else you know.............Girls, it's been fun, and wishing you all the best. Wonder Woman wished she had been able to fist the Poly like the Hockey Girlp! The Beacer Sport Page QMWank left with it dripping rancidly from their chins! Pete Holder of longest breath performing cunnilingus' Callas After the heroic quarterfinal victory over RUMS thanks to the deciding penalty from LSE's favourite son Callas, it was unanimously agreed that we would win this semi-final comfortably within normal time. Never mind. After managing to find the end of the earth that is Chiselhurst, the game got underway. However it was not a pretty start. The first 20 minutes were extremely scrappy and the Ists found it hard to play the champagne football which has characterised their season thus far. Indeed QMW managed to score in this initial period thanks to their striker managing to manhandle both Pepperami Billy and Callas releasing the centre-mid who scored in off the post leaving 'The Most Violent Man in the World' G with no chance. LSE, though, did not crack. As the half progressed we managed to start putting together more than 3 passes (our cumulative total for the whole of the Lent Term). A throw-in from the write to Bigs Lochrie, a neat Cruyff turn, which fooled even his own team and a toe into the corner, levelled the match. It was a game in which players had to stand up and be counted and Lochers was one of those who did. 1-1. From here on in, LSE being top of the league and having beaten the Wankers from QM 4-2 on the first day of the season were expected to win convincingly. However this was not the case and we needed crucial interventions from both G and Deej in order to go in at half-time level. Deej in particular ran for 50 yards tracking his man and then made a goal saving challenge about 6 yards from his own goal line! Half time and it was 1-1. At half-time frustrations manifested themselves within the team. The ref (as blind as Callas is slow) was allowing the game "to flow"- a cover up for allowing QMW to molest aU and simdry in an S&M jaunt on the field. The half-time team talk saw most players compare cuts and bruises with each other and saw Ickle trying to see whether the LSE 1st XV's front row was available to take a few of those wankers out off the ball. The second half was a mirror of the first with LSE trying in vain to get their game going. Peter Pan and The Pirate combined well down the right flank and looked our best chance of imlocking the QM defence for a second time. Buttery (AKA 'The Man Who Wasn't There') tried to get in the game and was successful on a number of occasions in getting the ball down and playing some exquisite balls. Lozzer again was good defensively and Men's Football LSE Ists QMWank 2 1 significant personal cost. With Pitty looking on, LSE feared the worst as G went down under a challenge from the QM striker Luckily he was able to carry on, although his injured ankle meant that he was well below 100% fit going into extra-time. D6j& vu hit the firsts as extra-time commenced. Ickle came off the bench for Sexual and encouraged everyone in the team to give one last push for glory and the final at Motspur Park. The injection of fresh legs helped immensely. Half way to inject some fresh legs into the LSE midfield. After a nervy last couple the ref blew for full time sending the Ists into jubilant scenes. After a failure to hi-jack the QM bus we made our way to Borough High Street to celebrate reaching the ULU Cup Final. After a few drinking games most of the team left a little worse for wear- although Old Man Sharpey showed his worldly wise knowledge of 80 years by faihng to get stung in the Name Game. Callas, after foolishly w saved LSE's blushes late in the second half when QM looked odds on to score the winning goal. Up front The Phantom Finisher and Sexual Andy chased and harassed the QM defence aU day- although their team-mates weren't exactly helping them too much with the service they were getting! The last couple of minutes were very tense and G came to the rescue yet again- although at Pete Callas shows QMW how to take it with a smile on your face from the LSE through the first half LSE won challenging the the ball and Lochrie played a through ball, which the Ickle Tyke ran onto and fired into the bottom comer. LSE were ecstatic. For the remainder of extra-time LSE's job was to shut the game down. It was a taU order but everyone played his part in holding onto the victory. From the goalkeeper to the strikers LSE played with spirit and camaraderie. Old Man Sharpey came off the bench for Lochrie team to each come up with their own unique put-down hung his head in shame as he was forced to buy yet another round for opening his incredibly large mouth yet again. Lozzer even managed to come up with 5 of his vet^' own at the end! Callas' pimishment is trying to keep silent for the whole journey to Berrylands on Wednesday! Rock on the final on March 9th- HOPE TO SEE EVERYONE THERE!!! Printed by East End Offset, London E3 3LT Monday 4 Mardi Find out about this sweaty man and his lust for banana deep in this grubby Beaver! calypse! LSE (Well endowed with big sticks) sporting legends The Poly (marinated and left to simmer in their own juices) rather voice your opinion at the watercQoler or in the conference room? Citigroup's revolutionary business model is shaping markets, trends, and quite a few careers. Could yours be next? Seasons greetings from Citigroup Corporate ft Investment Bank Imagine no limits: www.citigroup.com/newgrads/recruits Citigroup Sehr^dsr t LSE Hockey in all their glory Skywalker 'Destroyer of the evil Poly empire When you beat the Strand Poly 19:0 what else is there to say? This was most certainly the most efficient way of retaliating and showing the Poly who are the 'Lords of the D'. As to the match itself, we certainly ruled Battersea last Wednesday. Thanks to the Destroyer's leg(special effects kindly donated by myself), we had a reputation already in the changing rooms before the match... or was that because Funky Monkey was just too friendly to those 5 year old boys? So it was the last match for almost half the team and we really did want to make the most of it. Ten minutes into the match we were already 7:0 up and I am sure you'll forgive me for just not remembering who scored what goals. Little Kate aka the Destroyer deserves a special mention though not only for scoring her first goal of the season but also and especially for putting in an appearance in the Tuns later that night. There was a hat-trick by Nina and even one by our Chef de Defense the Corrupta. Captain Presley put in another 4 goals and so it became a real feast. Remains to be said I did fear for my life at some stages of the match simply because Kings wasted the energy they could have put into playing hockey on some Hakka-type - not very feminine -screaming ritual whenever one of us woiild lose the ball. So what, we did feel sorry for them and took them out for teas but obviously not before emptying the obligatory Smirnoff and Malibu bottles in the changing rooms. Maybe the screaming had blurred Kings' perception of the match as on the phone to their coach (what on earth would they train with him? Certainly not hockey!) they claimed to have lost only 2:0... Oh well... Good turnout later at the Captain's place, it must be said. I almost think we should put in a team contribution to your water and alcohol bills and definitely get Fimky Monkey to repair your shower! (very lucky that happened only at the end of the season). Even better turnout in the Tuns, but really girls, some more modesty wovild have done you all good... Limelight was a lonely place without you! And frankly how often do you get to celebrate a double league victory? Continued on page 35 Email The Sports Editor: m.s.trenhaile@lse.ac.uk