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1 r»th November 2001
Issue number 545
Cashpoint thefts hit Houghton Street; Natwest £t Police aren't bothered, Page 3
Islam: the enemy withm Page 16
Passfield Put Out To Pasture
lain Bundred
"At this time it looks increasingly likely that Passfield will be closed in the academic session 2002IT
David Tymms, Head of Residential Services
This week Passfield students must come to terms with the likelihood that their beloved budget halls won't be opening its doors next September.
The reverberations of this news shall be felt far beyond Bloomsbury though as throughout the next academic year the whole of the LSE intake will be without the vital low-cost, catered halls that provides 197 beds - that's 8% of all our accommodation available.
This dramatic turn of events has emerged as the 1930s establishment, that is rapidly showing its age, requires major refurbishment in order to even reach requisite Health and Safety standards - the sort of improvements that, it would seem, need more time than the summer vacation would allow. Thus, it seems that the only waj' to keep Passfield running at all in the long term is to not run it next year
Three weeks ago The Beaver previewed plans afoot to privatise the management of the hall - introducing private money to empower the costly changes that Passfield needs in order to effect a quick sprucing up and maintenance and electric (M&E) over the summer Yet since then the
size of the task has been deemed too great and so it seems LSE students next year are to lose out.
Yet the details are far from finalised. All the latest developments are the consequences of findings presented to the LSE Residential Services. Hopes persist that Passfield can be brought up to requirements over the summer. But with time running out, the position of Passfield as an LSE hall available to students for the 2002/3 session looks all but doomed.
Quantity Surveyors Wrights & O'Brien have predicted that to couple the M&E improvements with what David Tymms, Head of Residences Services, describes as "a general smartening-up" will cost around £4.6m. The school is unwilling to allow this money to come from LSE coffers and so a public-private partnership has been regarded as the only way forward; in short, money to introduce the refur-. bishment must come from private companies who will then manage Passfield thereafter. Even once the 'sponsors' have been found, it is predicted that a summer vacation of three months won't allow enough time for builders to gut and re-fit the building -and who can disagree that LSE buildings take seemingly
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No longer will UCL students be reminded of LSE's great presence every day forever to be refurbished?
The essential issue is time -the clock is ticking. To offer the work out to attain planning permission, invite tenders, evaluate applications and then commission the job by summer seems almost impossible - especially since it is in fact the University of London that owns the hall, so all final decisions must be approved by both the LSE and UL. hierarchies. The chances of completion look bleak even if work could be completed in the time frame.
This leaves Passfield in limbo. It is becoming increasingly Continued on Page 2
LSE to jam 1,500 more students in
Anyone whose been around Houghton St, the library and any of the computer rooms this term is sure to have noticed something - it's much busier. Compared to this time last year when the deteriorating weather seemed to make going into School a non-starter, this term has seen LSE bulging at the seams. In part due to the opening of the on-site library during the summer term, it has also been the result of a shift in LSE admissions policy that hopes to raise the number of students to 8500 by 2006 at the
latest. The policy began over the summer with the school admitting 500 more students that usual, taking the tally of total students from 6500 to 7000.
The apparent difference made by these extra 500 students already appears to be immense. There have been more complaints about class sizes and lecture overcrowding than ever before arid only last week in a poll conducted for The Beaver a large number of comments were made about
Continued on Page 2
Inside ; b;llnk - this week's best featues, 16-21; Biart - the latest films, music, books ft dubs, 21 - 32; Sports - all the latest nem a gossip, 33-44
i • y r v.- .	i






Page 2
The Beaver Nous
Thursday 15th November
Move right down inside the classroom please
Continued from Page 1
book shortages and computer waiting times in the library and C120. The difference that an extra 500 students have made appears to be immense, yet LSE hopes to boost the student populous by a further 1500. On the plus side, if you don't get on with the eighteen people that currently occupy your class, you'll have 22 to meet and greet by your third year; third years should consider themselves fortunate in being spared this luxury.
The more pertinent question, however, is not how LSE intends to find staff for these extra students but how they intend to find space for the necessary increase in facilities. In the long-term LSE hopes to acquire the remaining two Mobil towers behind Clare Market building. Though this may provide the necessary teaching and research space many, including Dave Clay, Education and Welfare officer for the Students' Union, feel that in the short-term this is not enough: 'LSE plan to increase numbers but without the equivalent rise in service provision'. For anyone who has recently tried to get a computer or book during peak times this will ring true.
Indeed, sources close to the Director believe that the planned increases do not stop there. The Beaver has learned
that the Director's personally prefers a figure in the region of 10,000 students. With figures like this being bandied around the library already looks like a bad long-term investment. With daily numbers this term as high as they were during peak exam periods last year, deputy librarian Maureen Wade is well aware that there are going to be problems come exam time in the summer: 'There were days last term when all the study places in the library were full. This year we are already looking into the creation of new study areas outside the library to meet demand in the summer term.' She denies, however, that there are already problems with computer access: 'Every time I.T. services has done a check in the library they have found that not all the consoles are being used.' Ms Wade also denies the accusation that a large number of these consoles are always broken (see Beaver letters page).
However, while most students are happy to wait a few minutes for a computer at the moment, a large increase in the student populous would see both waiting times and tempers rising. When asked about plans to increase computer access in the future the Planning Office admitted that, while they were always looking to expand access, they had no specific plans at the moment. They also admitted
that they don't know when I.T services carry out their checks on computer usage, though The Beaver suspects these are done at midnight on a Sunday.
In other news The Beaver has also learnt of plans to close Passfield Hall for the 2002/3 academic year. With no plans to purchase another hall of residence in the near future there must now be real doubts as to whether LSE can provide accommodation for existing student numbers, let alone increased ones. The Beaver, for one, already has its eyes on the Penthouse suite in Mobil Tower 3.
As always the Beaver has been acting on behalf of its readers this week and would like to give you the following information:
Time it takes LSE Security 'Rapid response team" to react to fire alarm in Clare Market Building: 9 minutes
Time it takes IT Services "Rapid response team' to fix the Beaver network: 9 days and still counting
Time it takes to receive Domino's Pizza: 30 minutes or your money back
The Beaver would like to point out the correlation between services not entitled 'Rapid response' and, erm, rapid response.
Passfield Closure Plans
Continued from Page 1
apparent, Tymms told me, that it wouldn't be available to students for the Michelmas, Lent and probably Summer terms of the next session. Since Passfield consistently comes highest in request from second and third years looking to return to halls, these continuing students are to have no comparable residence to apply. For new students will the lack of such relatively cheap accommodation not scare some from the bright lights of our capital city?
Another issue that will be sparked from a closed Passfield is that of pastoral induction. Just this Sunday a new Hall Committee was elected to preside over the Hall for both this year and the start of the next. With no Passfield next September, no Committee can be expected to materialise in Autumn 2003 to induce Freshers. Tymms acknowledges this problem, but plays it down. "There will be a loss of continuity, granted but the problem is surmountable. Even if there is a gap, I think Passfield's community spirit will quickly prevail." He may
have a point, but why should Passfield residents have to go through this inevitably awkward, directionless period? It seems as though the reason lies with a complete breakdown in coherent, strategic planning.
Where does the blame lie in this terrible state of affairs? The situation is such that, to me at least, no one single body can hold their hands up. Residential Services, past Passfield management, UL, LSE - all have played their part in leaving Passfield in a chronic state. Right now, though, it simply doesn't matter.
What does matter? As Dave Clay, LSESU Ed & Welfare Sabbatical says, "If Passfield closes, we'd lose 197 of our budget places and we should make every effort to keep the Hall open for students." Afterall, the unique Passfield identity is not its only pull - at £98 per week for a single room, including full catering, the hall offers students facing the financial excesses of London a certain life-line.
Wha*t can we do? Sadly, at the moment there are few options
available to students. As Dave tells us, all we can do is try our best to push for Passfield to stay open and if not for those places to be re-distributed.
Already plans to sell Silver Walk have been delayed since the places there might help ease any accommodation crisis caused. But the nature of Silver Walk is totally different from that of Passfield and is less than half the size. Tymms has made assurances - and seems quite happy to reiterate these - that Residential Services will try to soften the blow of a closed Passfield as much as is possible, should that situation occur next year. Whilst I don't doubt his authenticity, there seems little he can do. The one pledge that can be made, however, is that the Passfield of 2003 will be of a much-improved state to that of present.
But no matter how many assurances are made about the nature of Passfield Hall in 2003, no guarantee can be offered about next year - residents, pack your bags.
The Beaver's News In Brief
LSEjobs is a new recruitment service aimed at students. LSEjobs has been formed to assist individuals who are current students or graduates at LSE in their search for new full time employment in the UK.
A spokesperson at LSEjobs said, "The London School of Economics and Political Science is the leading social science institution in the world. Many employers are attracted to the high calibre and cosmopolitan backgrounds of individuals who have studied at LSE. Their service is free for job seekers, and"can be found at lsejobs.com"
The Students' Union has started some language classes - and, best of all, they're free! Students can study Arabic, Chinese (Beginner & Intermediate Level) and Russian (Beginner & Intermediate Level). Classes are held each week in the evening, and you can find out times and sign up by visiting the SU reception in the East Building, or for general information e-mail Chan,SJ
The counting for the Michaelmas term elections is now complete, and the students who won the Academic Board elections are Ariana Adjani and Tom Packer.
Lord Radice, Laboiur Peer and Europe Expert, will be giving a talk entitled "A Vision for Europe", the first joint-lunch-time event oi^anised by the European Society and LSE's Socialists. First and foremost. Lord Radice will be addressing Britain's role in Europe. He will, in this context, refer especially to the future role of Europe with regards to crises such as the present one under the light of 'terrorism'. Lord Radice is a well-known expert in the field of Great Britain's relations with the European Union. This will be of special interest for British students and staff, interested in the future of their country within the European Community. The event will take place on 20 November, 12 - 1pm in room Gla. Everyone is welcome, and no tickets are required.
It's coming to that time of year again when those dreaded essays and assignments will start to roll in, and many of us who like to make more 'creative' use of our time will busy ourselves with 'constructive procrastination' right imtil the last minute. But what happens then? For some students, the temptation to cheat becomes overwhelming. The internet has opened up new ways for this to occxir, and a new site promising 'academic rescue' has been launched. The site was created by Elizabeth Hall, a former lecturer at the University of Central England in Birmingham, and promises to assist students - basically by writing your ^ays for you. At a minim\im charge of £35, good help doesn't co]^t:heap. The site criticises tutors by saying, "Their commitment ra to the college or university that is paying their salaiy, and that means putting 'academic integrity' before students", a view strongly refuted by LSE's tutors. When contacted by The Beaver, Elizabeth Hall would not comment on the matter, but in the past has commented, "There have always been students who have cheated, this is not a new phenomenon, mediocre students just copy from books." Such comments have only added to the flood of criticisms against the service from all over the country. The situation at LSE hardly needs clarification, the official position can be summed up by Art. 9 of Assessment Offences - the offence of plagiarism with expulsion being the maximum penalty. Ultimately the decision is yours, and whilst cheating remains a real temptation - is the possibility of ending your academic career really worth it?
Editor's note: The Beaver does not endorse cheating and does not codone anything from the University of Central England.
The American Society are having their annual Thanksgiving Diimer on Thursday 22nd. This year it's being held at the Imperial London Hotel in Russell Square, from 6:30. lickets are £18 for members (£23 non-members) and can be bought on Houghton Street every day (apart from Friday). Seating is very limited, so buy your tickets early!
Mature Students are have a weekly get-together, every Thursday from 6pm in the Beavers Retreat (4th floor Old Building). Students can just turn up and ask at bar for details of where mature students will be sitting. Anyone who wants to be added to mailing list for mature and part-time students should e-mail Carol at bonner,cm or leave a message for her at SU reception.
Page 3
Thursday 15th November
Houghton Street's Views on Closing Passfield
Cashpoint thieves hit Houghton St
'Disadvantaged people from low income families are simply going to suffer and not come to LSE. At the end of the day, a petition is going tp do fuck air
- Mohammed Senouci
'Closing the cheapest hall for one year to save a small amount of money is typical of LSE's economic approach and disregard for the welfare of poor students'
- Donny Surtani
'They're just displacing people without giving them suitable alternative accommodation. Someone's Jacob's should be had for this'
- Jenny Beer
'At a time when our Director is trying to attract poorer students, it seems a bit of a famockasham (farce of a mockery of a sham) to close Passfield'
- Mark Buttery
Jonathan Baylis
LSE Head of Security, Bernie Taffs, issued a formal warning this week urging students to be aware of muggings and pick pocketing on and around campus. Five cases have been reported in the last ten days, executed in what he described as a "professional manner." The two men were described as "dark-skinned, possibly of eastern-European origin". Mr Taffs was quick to stress, however, the poor cooperation of the police and the NatWest Student Centre.
Targeting victims using Nat West cashpoints on Houghton Street and the Aldwych, the thieves observe pin-numbers before posing as foreigners in need of help. They then distract the victim by dropping cash on the ground and attempting to steal his or her wallet. Mr Taffs clearly feels all
should be on guard, adding: "the men are not choosing weak victims and could easily pass for students."
Steps to combat the crimes have been made difficult by NatWest who have refused to put up warning posters in the Aldwych branch, despite operating a Student Centre. Mr Taffs and his six-strong staff believe the police are not dealing with the reports efficiently and feel it is unfair that they are being left to deal with crimes taking place on public streets. Indeed, Mr Taffs and fellow security guards have come cl6sest to catching the thieves after a dramatic but unsuccessful street chase.
If anyone has any information regarding these crimes, contact Bernie Taffs on 020 79556055, or by e-mail at b.taffs@Ise.ac.uk.
So who are the usual suspects?
In a week that saw Owain James of the NUS address the UGM on the issue of student funding, warning the student body of imminent reductions and commercialisations of student funding, it seems ironic that some other little bugger has got in there first, beating the Government at their own game, and has swiped students' money from under our noses. It is fair to say though that it's not as if most of those at LSE couldn't afford to lose a quid or two.
Indeed, I hear that if you happen to spend a large percentage of your student loan on a couple of night out at a well-known lap dancing joint, the hard(ship) committee will happily inject liquidity into our otherwise limp account. But this resentful, genuinely poor student concedes that this isn't really the point. And me-thinks that for those unfortunate enough to suffer monetary loss, true to form, LSE administration will not give a damn.
So what is being done? It seems that the Met Police aren't prepared to raise an eyebrow, let alone a hand, which leaves it to ever overstretched LSE security and the vigilance of you to bring the culprit to justice.
However, keeping a look-out for suspicious-looking characters lurking around Wright's Bar is easier said than done because, paradoxically, there are so many of them. Witness sightings suggest the culprits were shifty-looking, and of Eastern European (or was that East of European?). Such an objective and accurate description does require further investigation and we imagine that the authorities are looking out particularly for the following:
1.	Kings Students: Always suspicious and always lurking purposelessly about (they've nothing better to do than hang around our library), and surveys show them to be poorer than the average LSE student. Jealously is a terrible thing. And let's face it, they need to pay off their student loans somehow as a McJob only pays about £4.50 an hour
2.	Me: I'm skint, I'm desperate and I'm quite capable (as a socialist) of ripping off rich people and out-running middle-aged and overweight security guards. Watch it, right?
3.	Anthony 'Tony G' Giddens: Norman Foster is coming soon to open the library. The Princess Royal should be bringing the cheese and Twiglets, but our Tony could do with some 'sponsorship' for the wine, or maybe a new banner for the Houghton Street scaffolding to frustrate students even more. Rumour has it that the scaffolding has been there so long, the Post Office are giving it a post code of its own.
4.	London Student Reporters: They have finally been seen about on campus, and as they have a full-time paid editor and a seeming inability to raise much revenue by selling little more than a quarter page advert for Dorothy Perkins, they might need to start thinking about desperate measures. And as they only come out once a fortnight with a smaller paper than our weekly Beaver, they have plenty of time on their hands when not watching 'Trisha'.
5.	Eastern European "Gypsies": Obviously the most obvious of subjects. By definition. And let's face it, all Eastern Europeans have a criminal intent (according to the media and the Government's actions, so it must be true). East of Europe may be somebody's way of saying that they just don't know who to suspect since, as the world is spherical, east of Europe covers the globe. Because we would never steal from ourselves, would we?
Union Jack
Hie armies were assembled. On the right, at least in their opinion, were the Balcony Boys. The word on Houghton street was that attendance was compulsory for every card carrying rugger-bugger, on pain of being dropped, or worse. On the left, and everybody's left, the bowel-movement for social justice, sat on the ground floor, with the 'civilized' people. The mother of all wars was set to kick off, but first the small matter of the President of NUS giving a speech. This was Owain James' second appearance at UGM and, as much as it chokes Jack to say it, he actually did a good job. Sure, he's still mistakenly labouring under the impression that a march is going to make a damn difference, but at least time he knew some of the stats and spoke coherently with the air of a seasoned politician. Just don't hold your breath for the reinstatement of grants.
When our own Sabbs took the stage, Dave Clay, refreshed and tanned from his jaimt to Glasgow, told the UGM that due to maintenance work Passfield Hall will not be open next year. Pardon Jack's French, but tWs is a fucking dis-? grace. Passfield is one of the few budget halls available to LSE students, and given the LSE's rapid expansion, is this really the time to lose nearly 200 beds? What is the SU to do? Well, what can they dot We can talk as much as we like in the UGM, but is unlikely that' a damn bit of difference can be: made.
Which bring us quite fittingly to the second motion, the Battle Koyal%IVre the Balcony boys sexist? I&jS|Kin's Bridge an insult? Can C&S ii^urately detect the difference bMveen their elbows and their backsides? Time would teU; : The speech for came from a lacfy whose head-dress was as large as the size of her indignation. Whilst the thrust of the motion was that last week's christening of Biffin Bridge should be overturned, it quickly became clear that this was a vehicle to defame the Balcony Boys. How eloquently would they defend their honour?
Very badly indeed, as it turned out.: Whilst everyone wiD, agree that Charterhouse (the AU's unofficiri spokesman) is in his element when: he is being offensive, he was utterly unable to defend his position. Lines like "They'll vote for me, they're my bitches" and "Tm.Stalin for Christ's sake" surely failed to endure him to the floating voters. In the end the motion was struck down. The bridge betwem the Old Building to St. Clement's remains nameless and the bowel-movement for social justice is vindicated, tack hopes that this will draw a line imder the sexism issue so we can get back to the real issues. Come back Blackwell and Vedad, aE is forgiven. ,
Page 4
The Beacer Noes
Thursday 15th November
Graduate Recruitment Slashed; how screwed are we?
Armin Schulz investigates
Many of those currently on job-search will find this a familiar picture: employers skimming even more carefully through the applications, the "reject-piles" keep on steadily growing on the desks of the human resources managers and the pressure to present oneself as among the best of the best is reaching new highs. Is this all just pessimistic make-believe of the press or are the chances to get a decent job in the next few years practically zero?
As often, the truth is somewhere in the middle. The fact is that / of all UK employers slashed recruiting somewhat this year, 1/5 deferring the starting dates of the new employees and 1/10 withdrawing completely from the application	process.
Vacancies in the companies are filled primarily by existing staff via transfers within the company (especially in the electric industry - mobile phones, computers etc.) so as to fully use the already avail-
able resources. There is some good news as well, though: 13% of the companies even reported an increase in hiring as some sectors (retail, distribution, hotels) still show signs of healthy
Sept. 11th. This means that the real-life situation at the moment is most likely far worse than the numbers suggest - tourism and airlines -among others- have been badly hit in the aftermath of
option, either because they do no have the money for it or because they simply do not want to spend another year outside of the labour force, they have no choice but to face reality deal with
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growth. Overall however, vacancies went down by 5.5%.
These are the figures released earlier last week based on research by the Institute for Employment Studies; when asked for a reason of this downward development, the 166 surveyed UK recruiters quoted the global economic downturn. Sadly though, this is by far not the end of the story: the research was begun and finished before the attacks of
the attacks, which in turn implies layoffs and barely -if any- new recruitment at these companies.
What are the consequences for students then? In general, there are two possible lines of attack -either one does as 'accenture' was advising at the AISEC careers fair earlier this month: take a year out, get enrolled in some postgraduate studies etc. and simply hope for better times in the future. For all those for which this is not an
the situation. First of all, it should be clear that companies are generally still hiring people - it's not as if no one gets employed from now on onwards. Secondly, career-mangement skills become increasingly more important. This means concretely that CV's, Application Forms etc. must be taken even more seriously (if this is possible) than before, but most importantly, it seems that open-mindedness might be a key ingredient for the success in
the job-hunt. The readiness to apply to not just to the main field of choice (i.e. consulting), but to try out new things (IT, investment banking, NGO's etc.) if only for a while, can prove vital here. It can even prove beneficial later on when trying to change careers etc. as one's experiences have grown and one has shown that one truly is able to adapt to unforeseen circumstances.
In all, though, confidence is the pillar on which it all rests. If one is not discouraged by the occasional "no" from an employer, the better one is able to present oneself as someone worth hiring and, more importantly, the easier it is to stay sane amidst the whirlwinds of predictions and opinions and forecasts raining down on the applicants.
So, good luck to everyone. You might need some of that, too.
Does anyone actually want to come to university any more?
Jonathan Baylis
Think how much effort you put in to getting a place at LSE. From the age of 13 you began training for GCSEs. By the age of sixteen, you'd finished your GCSEs and naively thought things coiild only get better, only to be smacked full on in the jaw by A-levels. So why continue in academic torment for another three years? Obviously, as students, we could easily answer this question: Alcohol, fraternisation and social buffoonery. It seems, however, that an increasingly greater number of more foolish yoimgsters are turning their backs on University, bucking a trend that has lasted for almost ten years.
"50% of young people will be in University!" blasted the Tony Blair spin-machine. "Fat chance!" boomed the opposition. But, much to the aimusement of Duncan-Smith and his cronies, University places have only risen 6% in the last five
years marking a massive friends and getting a better decline from the 30%	increase
between '93 and '94. If this continues, Blair will be met with jeers in The Commons and it will stand out alongside Labour's other policy flops regarding universities (need I mention tuition fees?)
According	to
Estelle Morris and her department of education, it would require an extra 100,000 places to bring the proportion of sixth form leavers entering University up to standard with comparative foreign counterparts. It seems the problem	Morris
lies with the saturation in job at the end of it all seems supply of middle-class stu- to have been enough to woo dents. The attraction of three us - a strange thing that! years partjdng, meeting new The problem now is that
children from deprived areas who could fill up new places are not applying.
The government think-tank has now come up with the ingenious idea of encouraging universities to improve relation-ships with state secondary schools ( s o m e -thing that probably should have taken place years ago). The aim is for imiversities to encourage higher aspirations in pupils
that would otherwise leave school at sixteen and find a job (not necessarily working for McDo^ds). At the same time, postt^ads are not to be ignored with Morris stressing the importance that they should not be neglected in favour of new imdergrads.
As Labour aim to solve this problem, from LSE's perspective it is of far little consequence. Universities lower down the pecking order (take "Luton Polytechnic of Burger Flippers", The Beaver, issue 542) try far harder to attract working-class students and will soon receive financial rewards. However, this is unlikely to significantly attract the "top" universities to do the same. For now though, it seems the fraternisation and social buffoonery is the reserve of the middle-class.
Page 5
The Beaver Navs
Thursday 15th November
The Beaver's weekly round up of student news
from around the country
with Lyie Jackson
Fraud investigation experts have found a forgery ring at the University of East Anglia. The investigations centre around the discovery of three Union event tickets in a library photocopier. Later on, two female students tried to claim that the tickets belonged to them, but then refused to give their names. Three Union event tickets? Fucking pathetic. A University security spokesman commented, "The students are committing a criminal offence, and if they are detected then it will be investigated. It is an offence of forgeiy and criminal deception: it's a serious offence." Speculation continues to grow that the tickets were being copied by the event organiser, and after the confiscation of the master copy, the event suffered its worst turn out ever, but only just.



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Greater Manchester's student paper. Student Direct, last week reported on the exploits of two students who hijacked a JCB digger. The JCB, which was situated in a building site close to student digs, was left open with its keys in the ignition. The drunken pair seized the opportunity for a quick dig , as one of them said, "We had a go at pressing the buttons and twiddling the knobs. Most of the time we were tiiming the machine round and round, but I tried to dig a hole in the groimd." A clever, impressive, not to mention rhyming account of events.

Cardiff

Researchers at the University of Cardiff have caused outrage in environmental circles,_
by claiming that the world needs more greenhouse gases in order to prevent a new Ice Age.
Their research, which has angered many well known groups, says that we need more greenhouse gases in order to coimteract the clogging of the earth's atmosphere with cosmic dust. The build-up of such dust would eventually lead to a cooling of the earth's climate,
and the subsequent beginning of a new Ice Age. A member of an environmental pressure group allegedly said, "people shouldn't be allowed to release such damaging research,
I'd have them killed". A very fair assessment of the situation.
Our very own University of London Union has caused uproar by allowing tobacco firm Gaiiloise to hand out free cigarettes. Free samples of Gauloises Blondes have been distributed at regular Saturday night events, which has caused many students to question the Union's right to distribute such potentially harmful products. One student commented, "I think the Union should encourage students to stop smoking rather than doing the opposite. This sort of promotion is completely imethical and should be banned." Her official line, obviously. After grabbing a weeks worth of the Blondes, she was gone. Not the only blondes grabbed at the event, where the lovely ladies from St. Martins College improved everyone's night.
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Page 6
TheBeaverNeLcs
Thursday 15th November
Tony Giddens' Director's Lectures: the crib notes
Lindsay Hoag
On November 7th, Director of the London School of Economics and Political Science, Anthony Giddens, gave the first of a five part lecture series on Global Futures at a Time of Transition . Professor Fred Halliday, of the International Relations department chaired last Wednesday's lecture, initiating the question and answer session that followed Professor Gidden's introductory speech. Professor Giddens began the lecture series by discussing The Future of World Order, speaking initially on the implications of the September 11th World Trade center attack on the organization of nation states, and on the topic of globalization.
Giddens spoke about the two phases that globalization has gone through. The first phase of globalization was mainly academic, and tended to focus on the question of whether globalization existed at aU and the extent to whether or not the world we live in has shifted over the past 20 or 30 years. Giddens spoke about the globalization skeptics who doubted that the world had shifted and believed that in spite of the talk about globalization, not very much has changed in the world since the late 19 th centiuy, since there already existed open economies, trade in cvirrencies, and mass migration. The skeptics believe that globalization is just a regurgitation of the 19th century systems that were in place. Refuting the belief that globalization is nothing new, Giddens spoke of the second phase of globalization, saying that he
beheves that "global society has shifted dramatically, and the differences are more pro-noimced than the similarities." Giddens went on to add that the second global age is 30 or 40 years old, and is "more intensive, more com-prehensive,
affects everybody in the world, not just parts of the world, and is much more dynamic, [and]
much more fast moving."
Giddens believes the second phase of the great glob-alization debate is no longer just academic. Rather,
as Gidden said,
"it is the political, worldwide movement and it is something we aU have to make sense of.
Globalization is talked about today but it is poorly understood."
Proponents and opponents see globalization as an economic phenomenon that includes the expansion of the global marketplace and an increase in the role of financial institutions. However, Giddens stressed that globalization is both "political and cultural and most importantly boimd up in communications." Giddens
believes that the most important transformation in people's lives over the past 30 years has not been economic markets or economic interdependence, but rather has been the impact of the communications revolution,
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which dates from the late 1960s. In explaining how global communication intertwines with all else, Giddens mentioned how the events of September 11th constituted a global media event, because people aroimd the world were able to see the second plane crash into the
tower on live television and were able to see the message that Osama Bin Laden later communicated on television. LSE 3rd year student Katja Kalamaki, agreed with Giddens' argument that the _communications revolution has been of great importance for globalization, saying "communication has been the	main impact that has caused all this globalization and I think in that sense I agree with [Giddens] quite well," adding "I wish he would have elaborated on the topic of communication a bit more."
Giddens went on to explain that globalization is not a single phenomenon, mentioning that "globalization is responsible for the increasing importance of regionalism, increasing importance of local nationalism, increasing importance of decentralization and the devolution of power in our lives." Furthermore,	Giddens
explained that globalization is not purely an external force, but that globalization is some-
thing produced by people in their every day lives and gave the example of the use of the internet as a way in which people are agents of globalization, because they participate in global conmiimications. According to Giddens, globalization means a shift in the basic institutions of world society in the nature of political sovereignty, economic life, family life, cultural life and the wider global society. The lecture ended with a brief discussion on the three anti-globaliza-tion beliefs, which include, corporate influence, such as commercialization; inequality in the world between the rich and poor; and the idea that globalization is a Western phenomenon that includes 1/5 of the population while excluding the other 4/5. Giddens reminded the audience that anti-globalization advocated do not stand outside of globalization because they make use of the communications technologies, through the Internet and mobile phones, devices that help carry their message globally.
After the lecture, student Ivan Zverzhanovski commented about Giddens speech, saying, "I think [Giddens] gave a good lecture on globalization but missed the point of world order. He has not said what the state global order is now. I [also] do not necessarily agree on his view that western values are universal." Perhaps Professor Giddens will comment on the future of world order in future directors lectures that will be held the current and upcoming term.

And now for PuLSE's very own section of the Beaver...
As PuLSE finally gets an FM licence, we hand over a section of our precious paper to the control of the media upstarts that wdll be hitting the airwaves next year
PuLSE Programme Controller Jane Edbrooke writes
PuLSE is to become PuLSE FM!!!!!!!! As of the dLlth February we will be traversing the air waves -reaching out to poeple other than the inhabitants of the obscurity of internet radio, the majority of whom are Alaskan. Ofc ourse the Quad has been benefitting from the quality output of PuLSE, but we are all very excited about the licence.
This term has seen new DJ's and a new committee
-	though our esteemed station manager Dave Hunt is continuing over, to share his wisdom and experience
-	or at least he's hoping to get some experience (preferably on the PuLSE couch). Chances are that you missed mine and Dave's impromptue show in the closing hours of crush - but Im sure our drunken rampblings were well recieved. The normal ^hows however are much more professional and
we're churning out some blinding tunes and insightful commentries (Im sure you all listened to my own interview with JULF and Rupert Walker on the pro's and con's of the strip joints surrounding Rosebery). If anyone is interested in getting involve contact us on radio@pulsefm.co.uk. There's plenty of opportunity to get involved. Keep, or rather start, listening.
TheBea»xr Comments
Nelson's Column
It is true that almost all watchers of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire shout and curse at the depressingly familiar sight of some toothless earring wearing simpleton from Wiltshire looking permanently confused about the question in front of him, the rules of the quiz, his own name, the effect of gravity, zips, his own inability to do anything that requires any complexity of thought whatsoever, but most of all how God could let a fuckwit like him fritter away a golden chance to win bundles of cash while we, every one of us, sits at home with debts that would make the third world launch campaigns on our behalf. But last week, WWTBAM exceeded even its own high standards. One of the fastest finger first questions required the 10 contestants to put into alphabetical order,
wait for it.....four letters....from
the alphabet. It sounds tough I agree, but I think even Chris Tarrant, the doyenne of the
criminally stupid, was expecting a fairly high rate of success. Even he chuckled when only three of the assembled managed to cope with the admittedly staggeringly demanding task of putting four letters of an alphabet of a language they were supposed to know pretty well into an order we sing fucking songs about. And perhaps just as bad was that the three that got it right, the giants of the intellectual world, took 7, 10 and about 13 seconds to do it. I mean how is that possible. Most people can probably recite the alphabet in about 10 seconds, at most. I honestly believe my 8 year old nephew would have cracked that question quicker, and it isn't because he's a child genius, it's because he's a normal, functioning, alpha-bet-knowing child, with fingers that work properly. I think even my dog would have a one in 16 chance. But still it goes on, mainly because the makers know that many people will
tune in for the sight of these people and the opportunity to feel smug and superior. I'd just like to say to all those prospective WWTBAM contestants, it
goes A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I.....I
think you get the picture, or do you?
It's taken nearly three years but I have finally realised why the selection of sandwiches and rolls at Benjy's is so wide. Seriously, in every outlet they've got more range than your average sea to land cruise missile. It's because they all taste fucking awful. The number of times I have said "I am never having that again" goes off the scale. However, even if, after your body has physically rejected the Minted Roast Lamb torpedo (which actually tastes of aniseed) you still have about three years (exactly equal to the half-life of the Italian Chicken Baguette) of alternatives before you are able to conclude, as I have, that it all
tastes fucking awful. Compare Benjy's to, say, Pret A Manger who have about ten different sandwiches/wraps and it all becomes obvious. Unlike Benjy's, Pret A Manger's sandwiches are eminently edible. So, may I take this opportunity to extol the virtues of Safe-Eating. Don't go to Benjy's (or the Brunch Bowl but that goes without saying), avoid those mid-afternoon stomach cramps, don't let your attendance at lectures be dominated by the irregularity of your bowel movements (which, legally, I am obliged to say are more likely caused by something else, like AF101, and not Benjy's).
Finally, has anyone else been so pissed that in attempting to take along a few beers and a pipe of Pringles to a party you pull out the goodies upon arrival, only to find that you've brought a set of tennis balls instead?
Thursday 15th November
r/7eBeaver
EXECUTIVE EOnOR
Chris Wills	"'i
c.d.wills@ise.ac.uk ¦ ¦ ;
DIRECTOR
Nicholas Stoker . ,;: 1
BUSINESS IVIANAGER Celine Infeld : :
PHOTOGRAPHY EDITOR
Mark Simpson : ; . r ; j i m.j.si m pson® Iseatu k ¦ 1
TRAINING EDITOR
- Ian Curry v ; : i.d.cunY@lse.ac.uk
NEWS EDITOR : Ruth Molyneux ,.
BdJNKEDrrORS
Charlie Jufd	¦ '
c.r.jurd@lse.ac.uk Catherine Baker c.e.baker@lse.ac.uk
INTERNATIONAL EDITOR
Maidah Ahmad., ; ;» m.ahmad@lse.ac.uk;,:
: B:ART AND FILM EDITOR:^); -Tom Whitaker t.e.whitaker@lse.ac.uk; ¦ , beaverfilm@yahoo.com : p
MUSIC EDITORS Peter Oavles	' ' ¦
p.b.davies@lse.ac.uk
Andrew Swann a.i.swann@ise.ac.uk
CLUBBING EDITORS
Tom Davies	.. '
tw.davies@lse.3c,uk Ruth McCormack r.m.mccormack@ise.ac.uk
STYLE EDITOR Amy Williams a,c,williams@lse.ac.uk -
LIVING SECTION EDITOR ian Curry i.d.curry@lse.ac.uk
FINE ARTS EDITORS
j,Daniel Lewis . ;; ^eter Skipworth ;v^si:;S
%%rURES EDITOR
Kerron Rohrer .
UTERARY EDITORS Saphiralsa Seniha Sarni seni8s3ph@hotmail.com ^•
SPORTS EDITORS
Justin Jewell j.j.jewell@lse.ac.uk	;
Matt Trenhaile m.s.trenhaile@lse.ac.uk
THE COLLECTIVE
Serif Aip Atakcan, Matttiew Christina Beharry, :: Matthias Bemer; Vida Bromljy - Tavtnef, Farzan ' Bilimoria, Leonad Brouwcr, Hannah Bryce, lain ^ndred, Peter Calfas. Peter Charterhouse, lornc ChaHcs, Ed Cook, Naomi Cofvin, Peter Coupe, Dan Cummmg, Ru^ Daniels, Amit Desai. Heien Donald, Rttesh Dostil, Nafeesa Eitnes.: Juli Gan, Ian Gascoigne, Juiia Gies^ Sarah Greent^rg, • Laura Hales, Sb Undsay Htoag, Katherine Jacwrib, Lyle Jackson, Edward Jones, Candice MacOona}d,;C^n Madden. Garhrielle Menezei, tinda Monis, Shashwat : Nands, Robin Nobie, Daniela Ott, N«l Patet, Nicholas Pauro, Alison Perine, Chelsea Phua. Klrstine Potts, Oalrc Pryde, Vanessa Raizberg, Jan Rattay, Zaf Rashid, lordta Reehifl. MarkTunt' Ready. Piers Sanda^, Susannah^i/a^ James Sharrock. Matthew Stoate,; Jamie Tehrant, Julfus Walker, Amy Williams
Have you written 3 articles for The Beaver? E-Mail thebeaver@lse.ac.uk to be included in our writers list. . Printed by East End Offset, £3 "
Baker's Mullet
ANOTHER day, in times gone past, I used to be quite the wom-aniser. Oh yes. With a top hat cocked upon my head, a valiant cravat around my gregory and a Castella in one hand, I was the air of sophistication.
I remember, quite vividly in fact, how once, while I was playing Hamlet at the Globe, I was caught short for a shilling when dining with Lord Huntingberry at the Savoy. Mere etiquette, dear reader, should alert you to the faux pas to which I was then engaged.
Lord Huntingberry tried his paramount to avoid my eyes as I dipped my hand inside my waistcoat attempting to find a mislaid ten bob note. This was to be in vain, I had no note, I was skint.
The Lord of course paid my bill as his manners dictated, he left, disgusted with my conduct while I remained to finish my port and lemon in solitude.
The night was drawing in so I had it away on my coat tails down to a local Inn I know named the George the Fourth. I, naturally, sampled the fine wines on offer and asked about their
fayre, shamefully, I realised that it had passed the hour at which they could feasibly serve a cheese platter.
Whilst attempting to elicit some
money from a drunken youth at
the bar, I happened to stumble
upon Lord Huntingberry's good
lady wife who was busy playing
the fruit
machine.
I, as you
would
expect,
lent a
hand in ||H
endeav-	°
our to snatch a
Jackpot HHHSpJ
repeater
by advis-
ing her
the hold
the bells.
She took my advice and low and behold, to my obvious surprise, she won fuck all, coming away from the Barcrest machine without a pot to piss in and a face like the proverbial smacked arse. It was during this chance meeting with Lady Huntingberry that I
decided to make my move. Being the womaniser that I am she was unable to resist my charms. Her loss at the afore mentioned fruit machine, coupled with the fact that she was quite squiffy meant that she did not shudder as I positioned my hand upon her breast.
I bought the good
treat the fair
answered the tenth multiple choice question in order to win a quid.
As I manoeuvred the good lady out of the inn, I spotted from the corner of my eye, the shadow of a cape and cane. I, of course, instantly recognised that these
items belonged to none other than the fine Lord Huntingberry himsdf.
'You!' Shrieked the Lord. 'I knew it, I knew you were the one doinking my wife!'
'Ney noble Lord!' I replied as a sweat began to encroach my brow. The Lord made a dash towards me and raised his cane as if to strike.
'I never laid a glove on her!' I cried, for in truth, I have never doinked his wife.
The Lord, thankfully, accepted this as fact and departed with his wife to find a Hackney Carriage.
And that is the story as it occurred even though my memory has surely failed in places. But remember this dear reader, if a Lord of this Realm asks you to dine, always remember your manners. If asked whether you have manhandled his wife, always deny it.
Again, to conclude, I must make it clear that I never laid a glove on his lady wife, but I had however been doinking his daughter ever since her sixteenth birthday. Chin Chin!
Page 8
The Beaver Noes
Thursday 15th November
The Beaver chats to the latest IR professor at LSE: James Rubin
The following is an excerpt from an interview with James Rubin, who was Assistant Secretary of State for the US State Department under President Clinton. Mr. Rubin is now teaching at LSE in the International Relations Department and a partner at The Brunswick Group, a local public relations firm. The Beaver's Stephen Linaweaver caught up with Mr Rubin last Wednesday.
SL: Could you give us an idea of what your corresponding position in the British government is, compared with your role in the State Department?
James Rubin: There is no perfect analogy, but it would be basically like the Junior Minister in the Foreign Office- but a Junior Minister who had a very, very close relationship with the Foreign Minister.
SL: Have you sensed a change in British mood or opinion towards the States in the last six weeks?
James Rubin: With respect to September 11th, I think the first weeks were very moving - the way in which just average British citizens came up to me and expressed their condolences just because they knew I was American. Now since the bombing of Afghanistan has
begun those groups that have a blatant anti- Americanism have been getting a little more attention. However, people need to distinguish between anger towards the United States that is generalized and this particular group of extremists who have attacked the United States for very narrow reasons, and they are really political reasons. Bin Laden has used religious ideology to try to gain political power so that he can run Saudi Arabia, so that he can run the Islamic world, and people need to understand that is what he is about.
SL: Getting that information out is obviously extremely difficult. The State Department is planning a television and advertising campaign to try to influence Islamic public opinion. Do you think that will be effective, or is there the danger of a backlash?
James Rubin: Look - It is going to be hard to change opinions about the United States while American bombs are landing in Afghanistan. It is an extraordinarily difficult thing to do. Those pictures are much more powerful and unfortunately the pictures of September 11th are fading, and the pictures of daily bombs are what people are
focusing on. I think that PR, and advertising, and pubUc diplomacy are important, and certainly the moderates in the Arab and Muslim world need to be forced to speak up. By engaging them and using media and advertising you
Rubin
are hopefully helping them. But there are limits and I don't really think that we are going to change the perceptions of American foreign policy during the course of this conflict. The real way to change those perceptions in Afghanistan are to be able to prove six months from now that Afghanistan is in better shape than it would have been prior to September 11th. That is the way to say to the Arab world - okay, you had a lot of complaints, but talk to the Afghans. When the Afghans can in lai^e number stand up and be heard from
next summer and next fall and say, "We are better off for America having gotten involved here." That is when you will win the propaganda war.
SL: Some people argue that econonlic development, like the Marshall Plan, is needed.	The
Marshall Plan was implemented within a set geographical area for a certain period of time - how could the coalition attempt redevelopment in so many countries, considering that this conflict may carry on for a long time?
James Rubin: That is a very good question. And I do not have a great answer for you. Certainly I hope that one of the silver linings in all of this is a recognition in the developed world, in particularly the United States, that foreign assistance, investment in developing countries, are smart policies, because they not only win friends, but they limit the pool of angry terrorist individuals. The Marshall Plan is thought of as the great example of foreign aid, but there were foreign assistance programs that were not good examples
of foreign aid. What we have to do is get them right. American willingness to pay attention to what is happening in poor and underdeveloped countries, failing states where this kind of terrorism can breed, like Somalia and Afghanistan - this newfound willingness to focus on that is encouraging. But again it is a big, decades-long, centuries-long challenge.
SL: What would you say to current LSE students - what is going to be the specialty needed in the next ten years?
James Rubin: Whatever motivates you, a lot. When I was a Master's student at Columbia University, it was nuclear weapons and arms control, and that motivated me a lot, where I was prepared to put in 12 and 15-hour days every day for years, to become a real expert in that area. From that, once you are really, really spe-ciaUzed, and you understand the politics, technicalities, public affairs, expert opinion, and how policy works in your area, then you immediately understand how it works in another areas. Be motivated enough to be an intern or to work at a low paying job for a while until you actually find that you know about as much as most of the other people know.
And then you will be able to transfer that to other areas and find a real profession.

Democratic ideals vs cynical apathy - The end of me-isfn?
Simon Bailey
On Tuesday 11th November there was a lecture on the subject of Globalisation, Democracy and Terrorism at Chatham House, entitled "The End of Me-ism?" given by the Secretary General for the Commonwealth, Don McKinnon.
In it he set out his, and his organisations, political ideology in the context of the global market. As a believer in a more equitable political and economic world
, . , r-
though especially concerned with those covmtries in The Commonwealth, his lecture had at its basis principles of socialism, among other things, and an imaginative,
uplifting socialism at that. Since September 11th, he claimed, that a greater sense of social solidarity, and collective conscience had been felt, and that if this movement of increased social responsibility could be maintained we could be seeing the beginning of the end for the culture of 'Me-ism' -The lingering headache of the individuality and selfish hedonism of Thatcher culture.
He went on to wider issues such as poverty alleviation, terrorism clamping - by diplomatic means, and world trade. On the latter subject \he stressed the importance of creating a free market, that
was free for everybody, rather than one set of rules for one camp and another for the rest. This he claims could have the effect of boosting global income and lifting 320 million people out of poverty within the next 10 to 15 years.
After questioning him briefly at the end I discovered that 'could' was reaUy the operative word here. The problem with this concept, and in fact the ideals behind a lot of the lecture, is: What can we or anyone do to ensiire the fruition of such ideals.
For McKinnon, rational democracy gives us the best chance, but even then there
is no organisation outside the legislators themselves who can ensure such things. For me, added to this is the questionable state of our system of democracy at the moment. There seem to be as many people in favour of eradicating developing countries debt, as there are opposed to the war in Afghanistan. As many people opposed to the inequitable economics of the global world as there are in favour of proportional representation. Yet these issues remain unresolved. The consequence in all this has been to produce a downward spiralling, self-fvdfill-ing prophecy: A nation of
voters, looking for visible change, made cynical and apathetic, by what they see as the systems failures. However it is this cynicism and apathy that ensures the systems continued failure.
If ever there was a time for social action then it is now, we need something to kick start a long overdue process of global, political recovery. For McKinnon - and here I am in total; agreement - this is only possible through a greater collective responsibility. However one only has to take a quick trip on the tube to see just how much 'Me-ism' there is still in existence.
fe^Track.
teachers help pupils
A
through their exams VlhUc -tekirvj -their owrt.
The Fast Track Teaching Programme allows rapid progression towards a leadership role in education. If you have a strong academic record, and at least a 2:1 or equivalent, you are eligible to apply. Successful candidates will still complete a one year Initial Teacher Training course, before becoming a
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more at www.festtraGlcteachli^gov.uk or request a brochure on 08000 56 22 66. 1 Cl jLL I	^
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Last year I was extremely honoured and humbled to receive the Dev Cropper Memorial Award. This award was established" in recognition of the amazing work and personality of Dev Cropper, a student at the LSE who died tragically after finished his final year. Upon receiving the award I announced to the AGM of the Students Union that I was going to ensure that I would undertake a charity fund raising event that would reflect the importance of this award.
Nearly six months later it is time to update the student body of what is going on, what has been planned, and what you can do to help. I announced at the AGM that I would be cycling from John O' Groats to Lands End. This journey will cover 1,400 kilometres, and take 19 days. We will be going through the highlands of Scotland, through the Peak District, the Cotswolds and moors of Devon. We will be leaving on the first day of the Easter holidays, and return in the third week. Since announcing my intentions I have been joined by others who are just as devoted to completing this immense task, and to raising a huge amount of money for charity.
Jarlath O' Hara, the Treasurer of the Students Union, will be on board, and will bring his undoubted fitness and organisational skills. Justin Jewell has already started training, and will be a huge help in raising a large amount of money for charity. We have had interest from other people, who now only have to make their mind up as to whether they want to come along. From now on the training gets serious, and we go into massive fund raising mode. Last weekend I went on a bike ride, and ended up in Cambridge. For those of you not familiar with the geography of this country, that is approximately 90 kilometres from outside the M25. We will have to do this distance every day we are on the road for over two weeks.
Each person who is on board will have chosen a charity, and as soon as we start raising money from the student body we will make these charities known. We also need help in other forms. It would be great if people could think about;
Places to stay. If anyone lives along the route, which will be published fully in Tnhe Beaver, but is essentially along the line of text on the map, we would like to stay for a night! This will help us to keep costs low, but more importantly give us flexibility in case anything goes wrong on the road.
Companies to badger. If anyone knows any companies that are likely to want to sponsor an event like this, and get high profile coverage around LSE, also let us know.
Fund raising. If anyone wants to get involved in fund raising from next term, manning stalls in the Quad or going round with sponsorship forms, then also let us know.
We want to turn this event into something that the whole LSE can become involved in. Whilst on the road we will be posting regular updates on a website that is at the moment being constructed. We will be having regular half page updates and information slots in the newspaper right up until we leave. I very much hope that you will be able to get involved, and help make a real difference to our fund raising ability.

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Ian Curry was formerly editor of this newspaper, and was awarded the Dev Cropper Award for the year 2001 - 2002 at the AGM in March.
He is a final year Government and History Student
From the top
Ian Gurry Jarlath O' ^ra Justin Jev^f^



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For more information please contact Ian Curry on i.d.curry@lse.ac.uk
Letters to The Beaver
Have Your Say - thebeaver@lse.ac.uk
Letters and contributions to The Beaver are welcome at the address above.
Please keep letters under 200 words, and be aware that we might have to edit them for clarity.
Sir,
While enjoying much of the amusing article about the Library in your last issue (Beaver, 8 November), may I correct some factual errors. Far from 20 per cent of the PCs being out of order, a maximiun of 4 per cent have been out of action at any one time over the last month.
Money for the redevelopment was raised outside normal Library funds; we are still purchasing just as many books for the Course Collection as before. There are certainly queues in the Library at peak times - this is difficult to avoid but we are timetabling extra staff on the service points to keep the queues moving quickly.
Some areas of the Library can be quite noisy, particularly roimd the ramp, where students like to stand and chat. This is why the building is designed to have the study desks aroimd the
perimeter; away from the ramp and protected by the shelving, these areas remain quiet even when it is busy elsewhere. And, sorry, but you can't blame King's College students for the Library being crowded - it is just LSE students using it more than ever before.
The agreement between all the colleges of London University allowing reciprocal use of libraries has been in existence since the 1980s without causing any problems. Only LSE members are allowed into the Course Collection. King's students are not allowed to use LSE computers, either. The reciprocal agreement will work to LSE's advantage on 27 November, when part of our Library wiU closed off for the official opening ceremony. On that day LSE students will be particularly welcome to study in King's new library in Chancery Lane (the old Public Record Office building).
Maureen Wade Deputy librarian
Sir,
In your editorial last week regarding Ken Livingstone you wrote: "This is why [as a Londoner through and through]
there can be no doubt that in a terrorist crisis London's Mayor would stand up and be counted."
This ignores the fact that Ken Livingstone, as leader of the Greater London Council did have to deal with a terrorist crisis. In July 1982, two bomb attacks on the Household Cavalry in Rotten Row and at the band stand in Regent's Park killed 11 people and injured another 50 and in December 1983, an IRA bomb at Harrods killed 6 people and injured another 90.
Ken Livingstone invited Gerry Adams to London to discuss the matter and was vilified by much of the press for doing so but this was a real attempt to publicly start a peace process (and in fact Tory ministers were having secret talks with thei IRA about a possible ceasefire at the time) and showed that Ken did have what it takes, in terms of looking for a peaceful solution and attempting to imderstand the underlying problems that lead to such a loss of life.
Lewis Allan
Sir,
Sometimes the UGM is
undoubtedly offensive and the line of decency is crossed. The recent Biffen's Bridge motion was deemed by many as offensive and thus was rightly voided in last weeks UGM.
However the article in the Beaver by a member of the Movement For Justice campaign fails to acknowledge the valuable contribution the so called "arrogant clique of conservative, white, male students". The Balcony regularly call officers and sabbs to account, provide much constructive debate and are very occasionally funny. These members, like all students, are an integral part of the Union and certainly help, not hinder, the UGM.
If you have any problems vnth the UGM or other issues please contact the relevant sabb. or executive officer, instead of causing confrontation.
Duncan Adams
Equal Opps Officer (MALE)
Sir,
I am clearly the hottest topic of news and the foremost source of entertainment aroimd, and I am enraged that I have
not yet been featured in your excellent 'Sporting Legends' column. I fail to understand how Peter Callas can be featured before me, when, despite his admirable pot-holing feats, I am patently the 'Original Sporting Legend'.
To name but a few of my hilarious antics; the two pint testicle stretch; the amazing pubic inferno™; the Houghton Street Streak, and Paris' 'Fistful of Francs' Scandal, not to mention the 'My name is Anal Rapist' skit which resulted in my being banned from halls. I feel that this is clearly enough evidence of my legendary status, and would urge your 'Sporting Legends' committee to reconsider my exclusion.
Charterhouse
Sir,
Please stop printing dvdl shit about some bloke called "Charterhouse", whom 99.999% of the imiversity doesn't give a fuck.
Bored Kid
Agree? Disagree? Think we've accidently mispelt pasture? E-Mail thebeaver@lse.ac.uk
For your
eyes
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Our service is completely free for job seekers and enables employers to recruit from a community of the world's brightest and most able graduates.
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Page 12
The Beacer News
Thursday 15th November
Bianca Jagger hits Houghton Street
Sarah Greenberg
On Tuesday the 6th of November, an impressive array of panellists gathered for the LSE Question Time debate on "The Global Environment". The panellists' viewpoints were all passionate and wide-ranging. On the far left for environmental concerns sat Bianca Jagger, an 'eco-warrior', human rights activist, and Mick's ex-wife. The most right wing participator was Bjom Lomborg, author of the controversial new book "The Skeptical
Environmentalist", which argues against turning too much focus to environmental problems. Before the debate, Dr. David Viner, who is associated with the United Nations and is an expert on the data distribution associated with climate change, commented that he was particularly excited to see these two extremes head off. The other debaters were Alyce Tidball (coimsellor for environment, science, and technology at the US Embassy in London), Stephen Tindale (the current policy director for Greenpeace UK and soon to be executive director), and Julian Morris (economist and director of the International Policy Network, "helping to create free societies around the world").
A major issue that kept coming up is the role of the United States in "The Global Environment" which directly ties in with the highly controversial Kyoto Protocol. The Kyoto Protocol is an international treaty calling for the reduction in emissions of greenhouse gasses, which may lead to such dangers as a rising sea level, changing weather patterns, and serious health effects. The US signed the protocol on 1998, but refuses to submit it to congress until the developing countries also agree to set emission reduction targets. Since the treaty cannot be ratified until the senate reviews it and passes a 2/3-majority vote, the
US is preventing the treaty from being enacted. How responsible is the US for the world's environmental problems? "The US emits 25% of the C02 emissions and was the only coimtry not to ratify the Kyoto protocol...in the end this will endanger our lives," argues Bianca Jagger who is very unimpressed by the lack of attention given to environmental matters by politicians. Though he acknowledges that the US has done plenty of good things for the rest of the world, Steve Tindale argues, "climate change is the most serious threat we're approaching ...( with the Kyoto protocol), the US has been extremely dishonest... that's the treaty you agreed to, I'm sorry if you didn't read it... It's entirely immoral...Free Trade to the US is more important than health concerns...Kyoto is a much better treaty than it seems to be. Cutting emissions is NOT actually bad for the economy. It has actually been good for the economy where it's been implemented."
Bjom Lomborg brings economics and cost into the picture. "We have to ask ourselves," he says, "Is the Kyoto treaty a good idea?...It will do almost no good.. .aren't there better covurse for action? How do we spend scarce resources... Generally the economy increases 2% a year...It's true that both can increase, but we have to face that it's a trade off."
Other issues that enter the debate are the role of the individual in the fight for the global environment, ecological modernisation, what to do when the water supply is mostly depleted, the question of ownership of resources, and more about the economic costs of environmental action. Do people have an impact with their consumer choices? We have a [profound] ability to influence corporations...we can
redictate and make them accountable, say Bianca Jagger. "Know what each corporation does and how they harm the environment." Bjom Lomborg feels that individual action through consumer choice "can make an impact...but is not a very active way of doing things...on one's own, there's an enormous cost. Why should only the good people pay the price." He feels that action should lay more in the hands of government and its policies. Unfortunately, since the debate only lasted one hour, the plethora of interesting and controversial topics brought up could not possibly receive the attention they each deserve. One LSE student literally called out for a more in depth serious discussion about the real economics behind environmental action, "C'mon, you're at the LSE!" Bianca would have liked to elaborate on the alarming links between the war, oil, and the Caspian Sea. One of the main topics she was preparing before the debate is the fact that George Bush and members of his cabinet have assets in oil, which in turn affects their actions in the realm of war and the environment. "And that is unethical," she argues. "With the environmental concerns decreasing, the young people have to fight." I would like to applaud LSE's QT society's ability to bring such extraordinarily influential guests, and to pick the perfect group for a debate of this sort. Were I the producer of a 'survivor' type show where the guests had to choose with whom to stay stuck on a desert island, I would choose exactly the same group. Bianca Jagger would entertain me with past Studio 54 highlights, and Bjorn Lomborg could ease my concems. "Is the cost of cleaning really worth the cost of the effort it will take? Sit back and drink coconut milk with me, my friend!"
Bang Bang Bangs On and On and On
"In my book, there is only one reason to do anjrthing; as a statement to the imiverse of who you are. Used in this way, your life is self-creative. You use life to create yourself as who you are and who you've always wanted to be for as long as your soul can remember. Let us even go as far as setting aside society's 'right and wrongs' and instead see life as the benevolent passage of experience which we need in order to be able to experience ourselves through time and create ourselves in the highest image of ourselves.
We must not be threatened in order to be 'good' nor live in the opinions of others for what authority do others possess and is 'good' anyway? Who sets the guidelines and rules of what is 'right' and 'wrong'?
I tell you this: You are your own rule maker and you decide how well you have done; how well you are doing. For you are the one who has decided who you are and want to be. Nobody else has the authority to judge you who vdon't live yoiir life, not even God. For how and why could the God of free wiU and creation ever call his own cre-
ations bad?
We could hold that we came from a state of perfection (forget that Darwinism monkey thing). But, in order to know what 'this' was, we had to experience ourselves as we truly wished to be and we could not be that imless we also had the choice to be something else. From our actions, we are thus given the experiences that allow us to leam lessons and remember who we are and want to be. You get me rude boy? Mm..."
Global Uni News
Camegie Mellon University, Pennsylvania
The Interactive Animatronics Initiative at Camegie Mellon has created Dr Beardsley, a robotic representation of an absent-minded professor. It/he can respond to questions, exhibit mood changes, discuss a topic, sing, burp, hiccup, sneeze and snore. Through speech recognition technology, synthetic interview technology, discussion engines, and audio, visual and animatronic technology, Dr Beardsley can interact with humans and display life-like emotions. Its creators are also looking into making Beardsley look more human-like, by developing featxires such as a complete silicon skin.
The plus point about making this robot absent-minded is that if he is unable to cany on a particular discussion, Dr Beardsley can provide ambiguous repUes and still fit in with his character. Great idea, but it's not as though we don't have enough human versions of Dr Beardsley around.
Coliunbia University, New York
The things people do. The things business professors do. One at Columbia University's Business School decided to send 240 letters to New York restaurants, complaining that his wedding anniversary was ruined after eating food at these restaurants that made him and his wife extremely sick. In fact, this was his study of how restaurants react to complaints. More than 200 of the restaurants responded quickly, trying to find out what was wrong with their food. Many restaiurant managers became suspicious when they found the professor's letters looking similar to those sent by people trying to get free meals (by complaining that they ate bad food in the restaurant).
They also responded very efficiently when they found out that the complaints were false - several restaurants are now suing both the professor and Columbia University.
Asian University of Science and Technology, Thailand Instead of being ambushed by society committee member at Freshers' Fair, freshers at the AsianUST are introduced to the university with a spiritual ritual. This involves singing, being blessed with fragrant powder water, and walking down a candle-lit path. The freshers then stand in a semi-circle holding candles, and their hands are tied with white string, signifying their joining of the university family.
Compare this with Freshers' Month of Madness...the disparity is almost fimny.
MeGill University, Quebec
The latest debate at McGill is over the use of a computer program - WebCT, which includes a tracking feature that allows professors to view the number of times a student has logged »n, viewed specific parts of a course online, and posted or re^ discussions. If that doesn't sound dodgy enough, there's also time fact that few students are actually aware of this function.
The manager of the Learning Technologies Resoiurce'Section of the Instructional Communications Center (ICC) at McGill, Gerry Leclerc, claims that the tracking feature is not a violation of students' privacy rights; it is a function that allows professors to monitor which WebPages are being used most regularly and effectively by students. He adds that professors don't tend to be very interested in this utility. However, as a McGill Economics Professor points out, if there is no interest or need in this 'tracker', then why have it in the first place?
To make matters worse for those aiding against the use of the tracking function, McGiil's computing policies provide only a vague explanation of users' privacy rights: "Users have a right to privacy. The level of privacy does not exceed, however, that of reasonable expectations". I would imagine that the phrase "reasonable expectations" is easily contestable.
Hong Kong University of Science and Technology, Hong Kong The School of Business and Management at HKUST has been ranked the Number 1 MBA school in Asia, according to a survey conducted by Asia-Inc magazine. This is the first time a Hong Kong institution has been ranked first in regional business school rankings; and to further impress - the HKUST is the yoixngest of the top ten business schools in the region (of Asia and Australasia). The Asia-Inc survey investigated three aspects, and HKUST was ranked first in both faculty resources and student quality, while coming second in academic reputation. The HKUST is followed by the Australian Graduate School of Manag^ent at second place, and the National University of Singapore at third.
Page 13
TheBecttxr Comment
Thursday 15th November
From the Thames to the Patomac with Mark Paustenbach
'Peace in our time and chicken in every pot'
Much theoiizing has occurred over the past two months over why middle eastern covmtries so hate the United States and Israel, and partake in acts of terrorism. In the case of Afghanistan, a religious regime, the Taliban, which ruled over an impoverished region, allowed a known terrorist to train his followers in their country. Many have concluded that in return for taking such a risk, the Taliban were bought off with bin Laden's money.
Writers such as Thomas Freidman argue that the attacks of September 11th could have been avoided had there been greater economic opportimities	in
Afghanistan. Others also conclude that if Palestinians had access to good-paying : jobs, that they would not become stiicide bombers. A telling portrait of this scenario is painted by Joseph Lelyveld in the New York Times Magazine of two weeks ago. In that issue, he interviewed the family of a young university student who became a bomber, in the new home provided for them by political organizations who violently oppose Israel. The deal here is quite simple: if you become a suicide bomber, you will live in paradise and your family will be taken care of. To a young man living in the slums of the West Bank, this seems like a fantastic opportunity.
Those who look to economics to solve the aforementioned problems, argue giving would be terrorists an economic incentive to put down their rocks and c4, will make them pick up a palm pilot. The problem with this analysis is that it avoids looking at other factors such as culture and elite behavior, both of which could seriously landercut any move toward globalization progmade by Afghanistan or those living in the West Bank, for example.
First, globalization and unfettered capitalism does not thrive well in theocracies or near theocracies. Capitalism can thrive in such
situations. But, in areas where the free flow of capital is not of paramount importance and the rule of law is determined by religious leaders whose main goal is not the preservation of private property, for example, then globalization will be slow to take hold. The establishment of the nale of law, that protects the rights of minorities is also important.
Second, elite behavior must change in such coim-tries. Many heads of state, for example, would find themselves of very little use once peace is made with Israel and tl^e West. These leaders are vgenerally not dei^ocraticayjf elected and derive their p^er from scare tactics. Whi|^ many argue that the alterative to Yasir Arafat, for example, would be & much pi^rer leader for the Palestini^, that fails to support theip.'^guments that ecofiomic -opportunities would solve the problem of terrorism, .^ain, it wovdd take the ele<^n or installation of leaders who were accountable to the populace and obtained their power not from scare tactics and appeasement of the most hawkish domestic factions. As long as sudi leaders are in power solely to fight an interminable battle against a long-time enemy, then an economic upswing will be far off.
While i agree that a weaMirn economic intervention into some regions fi^y be helpful, and possibly the only way to reduce the chances of future terrorist acts, it is a long and arduous process. The lag time betweent implementing such an aid |ffogram and its future succe» may be too large and tenjprism will surely continue ^ the meantime. It is import^, however, to address both culture and the notion of ad^ncing democracy in deteE^EBning the fate of nations that foster terror. The move from rocks to RAM and plastic explosives to palm pilots, if attempted, will take a long time.
Catherine Baker on how an enemy in need is a friend indeed
If any of the strategists who manoeuvred George W Bush into the presidency this time last year - when the only little white things in federal buildings we had to worry about were hanging chads - are in Texas now instead of indulging their West Wing fantasies in Washington, on his return from the Apec summit in Shanghai last month he might even have pronoimced: 'Houston, we have a rapprochement.'
How different from the Kosovo war, during which Boris Yeltsin at one point came very close to predicting World War Three, or even from a few months ago, when American suspicions that Russia would draw closer to China intermingled with Vladimir Putin's fears of the USA's missile defence shield, which can't be constructed without violating the 1972 anti-baUistic missile treaty. AU of a sudden Russian sateUites in central Asia whose heads of state Bush would have been hard-pressed to name have become vital staging-posts for America's war in Afghanistan; and Putin, for his part, wiU have been quick to perceive that when half the world is taking
part in a coalition against one kind of terrorism in central Asia, it's much more difficult for them to condemn Russia's war against Chechen separatists on the other side of the Caucasus.
One bone of contention has already been addressed: Russia has withdrawn from Cuba, vacating the Lourdes spy base from where they were said to be able to eavesdrop on Washington and NASA. When Putin meets Bush for talks this week, they're widely expected to continue negotiating an agreement under which Russia will allow NMD tests in return for a bilateral reduction in their holdings of nuclear warheads. If not even Tony Blair has been prepared to play the 'candid friend' so far, don't expect Putin to point out that the reasoning behind the 'Son of Star Wars' programme on which Bush still insists, designed to intercept missiles fired by rogue states, couldn't have been proved more outdated.
These would be the 'rogue states' such as Iran, still a member of the coaMtion despite the obvious political dangers involved in hitching the government's star to a war opposed by
many Muslims and Ccirried out by a country which that government formerly denoimced as the 'Great Satan'. Or, of course, Iraq. Much as certain hawks at the Pentagon might wish the result of the FBI's profile of the suithrax attacker to have turned out otherwise, it now seems possible that America's exposure to biological warfare could have been brought about not by a shadowy fundamentalist network that can be traced back to Baghdad, but by an ail-American loner who could have set up his apparatus in an attic room for less than the price of a used car.
So the New Detente between Russia and the US, after what was hardly a reprise of the Cold War anyway, as welcome as it is, is founded on shaky principles. If a missile defence scheme really could protect AmeriCcin security or anyone else's, it would have to lock on to envelopes stuffed with anthrax spores, or uranium-laced Semtex in a suitcase. Maybe it would still hit the Chinese Embassy. But at least they would have tried.
Amy Kamchanapee on the linguistic idiosyncracies of us Brits
I knew I was in for trouble on the day that I walked into lecture angry. "I'm pissed!" I huffed and threw my stuff on the chair. At home, in New York, that kind of statement usually draws complacent smiles. Here, I was greeted with knowing smiles. "When did you have time for that-between classes?" a British classmate asked. "What?" I had no idea why I was not given that sympathetic treatment that I was so accustomed to at home in the United States. Everyone was being, well, cheeky, about my heightened state of intolerance. Little did I know that it was not my being annoyed that had set off this reaction. It was my choice of words. In Britain, I've learned that "pissed" means drunk, or "trashed" in American. And I have learned to compliment ones' "trousers" rather than "pants" especially if in a pub and if the object of the compliment is a member of the opposite sex. In the future, if I choose to express annoyance, I cannot for-
get the important modifier "pissed off." No longer can I abbreviate. In trying to be imderstood, my daily usage of language has reached a higher degree of clarity than ever before.
While some of my classmates struggle with using English, a second language, as a first language, I struggle through relearning my native tongue. There are times that my second language Swedish, seems a lot easier thsm trying ta understand why people laugh When I say that I got a "shag" hairdo (I've learned that it's called "The Rachel" here). Now that I've learned, I've been trying to be careful. But there are little issues that present themselves in my daily hfe. I am usually confounded with the issue of trying to conform or trying to hang on to my heritage. I could just as easily say "apartment" as "flat" but I wonder if I'll be vmder-stood. The other night I referred to my cell phone as my "mobile" whilst speaking to my father, a
Thai immigrant to the United States. This launched into an hour lecture on how he worked so hard to come to America in the 1960s and how my mother's family waited in a leaky, creaky boat from Scand^avia to EUis Island in 1905 fw truth justice and the Americ^^ay. But surely, I wondered,these inspiring immigrant stories exclude some tales of adaptation in my language.
There is, you see, a strong double standard. If a British person flattens his accent after hving in America, he's adapting. If an American flattens his accent after hving in England, he's affected.
Despite aH of the qualms I've outlined, it's great fun to try and translate Briti^ to American and vice vCTsa. Sometimes I'm tempted to write "fluent American" ka tke languages section of my CV. ABd I'm not taking the piss {»Oj I don't have to use the toilet}).
Comments on the Editorial Pages should be sent c.d.wills@lse.ac.uk
V
Thursday 15th November	rWlt	¦ %	A	T	^	Page 14
The Beaver Acaaemcs
The voice of student protest has been
Universities and demos used to go hand in hand. What broke the link? And where, asks Rodney Barker, have all the students gone?
In the 1960s "student", "radical", and "demonstrator" were synonymous. Go to any demonstration, and not only would large numbers of the marchers and protesters be young, but they would be carrying banners with their university names and crests, or the titles of their student societies. They were there. not as citizens or environmentalists, but as students. To be young was to be a student, and to be a student was to be A protester.
That has all gone. There are no students out there any more. There may be young people among the groups Who are out on the streets, but you no longer look at a protest to see nothing but the waving banners of Essex, Oxford and North London student unions. There may be flags, but they are as likely to denote religious or political allegiance
as campus of origin.
Where have all the students gone? What has broken the link between universities and protest? Why are protesters organised not by campus but by collectivity or creed?
Three things have changed: the printed word has lost its monopoly; class has lost its dominant place in the mapping of political identity, and a simple social and political map has been qualified and confused by the dimensions of ethnicity, nationalism, gender and religion; and the politics of verbal argument has been supplemented by the politics of carnival and theatrical protest.
The loss of the monopoly of the word printed on paper has meant a loss of monopoly for the universities which were always, essentially, people sitting around on rocks talking about the books they had read. Universities were the natural sites for dissent, criticism and the propagation of alternative visions because they were where the printed paper was. Politics was rooted in argument, argument was conducted principally through the printed word, and books were the raw material of university life.
The fax, the mobile phone and the internet have broken that dominance and have disseminated and democratised verbal communication. The campus has not disappeared but it is now simply one forum among many. The internet has ended the need for colleagues and collaborators to be in the same place, and a committee can confer with its members spread
around the globe from Wester Ross to Waikiki.
The second change is the decline in the importance of class. Class analysis was relegated to one dimension amongst many by the end of the 1980s. The end of the cold war and the disappearance of the conununist enemy, or hero, finally demolished the old famiUar structures of friend and foe.
Demonstrations are campaigns, and for campaigns to work you need friends and enemies, two sides, progress and reaction, revolution and repression, socialism and capitalism. You were either for or against, and there were only two sides to a barricade. A class analysis
I "You were
either for or against, and tliere were only two sides to a barricade."
helped here, because it divided people neatly into historical platoons. Even on trivial issues, the significance of an action was clear, and the motives of a group transparent.
If the other side did something, you knew what they must be up to, even if the immediate reason for their action was a bit

obscure. When in the early 70s students at LSE occupied the Senior Common Room, an outraged colleague told me of the ultimate subversive act: "They've broken into the kitchen, and" -he paused, as if he thought I might not be tough enough to take the shocking revelation -"they've eaten all the ice cream." There was no doubt that eating icefcream, since it had been committed by students, was a revolutionary act, a tactic for consuming the foundations of the capitalist system. Even a vanilla whip could be a bastion of the old order, and conservatives could imite not just in support of property but in defence of strawberry ripples.
Everything had its place in the pattern. Once you understood that, you knew whether to demonstrate or not, and against what. You knew who your friends were and what your enemies were up to, and what they would be up to in the future. You knew where people were coming from.
Socialism in one country translated quite easily into socialism in one coffee bar. But by the time of Seattle, London and Genoa, American trade unionists supporting protective tariffs could briefly join with third world workers denoimcing US economic expansion. The new solidarities were temporary, shifting and unpredictable.
The classic student protests had been either about education or foreign policy: sexism, racism, and capitalism in the syllabus, or nuclear weapons and Vietnam. As the political map broadened and shifted, so the issues on which people rallied became more diverse.
There aire no simple patterns any more; or rather there are a score of shifting patterns. The end of the old simple bi-polar pCilitics, into which the student as organic - or at least genetically modified -intellectual fitted so readily, was accompanied by a shift in the manner of politics outside the institutions. It was no longer a matter of marches, banners and chants. If politics is about communication and argimaent, ¦ then there were more ways of communicating a message than with a placard and a megaphone. •
It was seen to be important, too, to define the agenda, to extend the context of discussion beyond the boundaries within
which conventional politics set it. This could be done by the politics of theatre, by tactics such as those of the Greenham Women or the guerrilla gardeners. Making your opponents' solemnities seem comic may be a ^ classic debating device, but it trans-
lates, too, into street theatre: picnics on missile silos and dope planted in Parliament Square.
The new crisis following the attacks on New York and Washington might seem to have just the old combination which wpuld revive student protest.: The rhetoric of the US government almost invites it.
When George Bush declared that people were either for the , US and against terrorism, or against the US, that seemed to reinstate the old maps of us and them, justice and injustice. But the simple fcjrmulas looked threadbare eifren ' before the words were th® president's mouth. There were a dozen "yes, buts" to qualify the picture.
It's not difficult to make a case against terrorism which reasonable people would take for granted. Applying that to a world where loyalties and identities are shifting and unpredictable, and where there is no easy, imiversal division of friends and enemies is the problem.
If the war against terrorism develops the features of real war, there will be demonstrations, and there will be banners in the streets. But the old constituencies will have gone, and students with them, and the allegiances and alliances will reflect the chaos and flux into which politics have now moved.
Rodney Barker is a lecturer in Government at the LSE
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politics
culture
life
edited by charlie jurd and Catherine baker
beaver link
words by maidah ahmad
t h
enemy lies within
Iast week the LSE was host to yet another debate concerned with the present Afghan war. The panel this time consisted of experts on Afghanistan. Amongst the distinguished guests were Yvonne Ridley and HE Abdul Jaffar from the Pakistan Consulate.
As was to be expected nothing new was said that we had not heard before, apart from Ridley's personal account of the respect the Taliban soldiers showed her as a woman -even if her report was full of sarcasm. One thing that did interest me, however, was the reinforcement of the unquestioned rhetoric that Pakistani officials are pursuing regarding their continuing relations with the Taliban. The High Commissioner justified this as a religious duty to continue to show Islamic hospitality to their neighbours. Fair enougji, good for them, but does this Islamic hospitality not extend to the citizens of one's own
country? Is the Pakistan government not obliged to respect and protect their own people, to guarantee their freedom and sanctity of life - the very same policies which they are eager to fulfil in Afghanistan?
The truth of the matter is that Pakistan and indeed aU the Islamic coimtries are in a state of disillusion today, not as a result of the West or Israel - despite strong attempts by hard-line Muslim clerics to portray it as such, but because of these very hypocritical distortions of religion for political gain.
The attacks on the US are properly seen as a signal to the West that it must reassess its role as a global superpower. However, that signal was for everyone. The disarray of the Muslim world cannot simply be explained in terms of the selfish, imperial policies of western powers, evident although such policies
w jxm

The first cause of failure within the Islamic world is the perception that it acts as one. Muslims should realise that the Islamic world is not unison. There are simultaneous contrasting objectives and voices in the Islamic world as there is in the Christian world. This is no more so evident than in Afghanistan. The Afghan people are not only suffering under the T^ban but are also caught up in an Arab-Israeli conflict forced on them by the Arab elements of the Taliban. Surely, Afghans ate contempt with the struggle for daily survival. The last thing they need right now is to be drawn into a war with Israel or America. It is about time certain factions within the Islamic world realised the whole of the Islamic world's primary ol^ective is not the destruction of Israel. As was pointed out to me recently, 'it is funny how all those on flie planes as well as within Laden's inner circle are Arabs'.
Even Yasser Arafat, regarded by many Muslims as a terrorist rather than a freedom fighter, came to the UK in an effort to distance the Palestinian liberation from 'terrorism', to urge Blair to 'seize (the) Palestinian weapon from al-Qa'ida'. Islamists have to stop using the Palestinian cause to justify their hatred. For if bin Laden reaUy wanted to act as a saviour of the oppressed Muslims, then why not support the Muslims in India, China, and so on? The truth of the matter is that neither bin Laden nor his comrades care much about Muslim Kashmiris that are also liv-
ing under occupation, or about any other Muslims. Their fight is political, against America and Israel, and therefore should be stated as such.
This leads on to the second failure evident within Islamic countries; the total disrespect for human rights. This is not referring to methods of punishment, for Islamic countries are well within their rights to implement non-westem legal codes and practices, but rather to the persecution of minorities.
At the end of last month (28 October) the single biggest attack on Christians took place in Pakistan. Although making the front pages of the majority of the UK nationals, it should be noted that the murder of Christians and other minorities, particularly Ahmadis, are common daily occurrences that do not even make the small print of their respective countries' papers. Where once people fought for their right to political participation, they now turn their backs on politics. 'What is the point anyway, we all know who is really running the country,' a Pakistani doctor who fled Pakistan under the military dictatorship of Zia ul-Haq told me.
Fanatics have come to believe, and in some respects are encouraged, to take the law (secular and Islamic) into their own hands. In February 1997, a dozen Christian churches and several schools were burned down and some 50 people were injured after rioting in Punjab.
A teacher present at the time reported:
'We saw a group of 200 people heading towards our church. They broke into the church and set it on fire by throwing bombs. We had to flee for our lives. The police did nothing to stop the mob and protect us'.
Due to deliberate shortcomings by the government, recent figures are imavailable, but during 1995 at least 17 Ahmadis were killed in targeted attacks. These attacks involve torture of the worst kind, for example, lynching, being dragged through streets and stoned to death. How then can General Musharraf fight terrorisiwabroad when he cannot even cor^l, let alone fight terrorism witljjp^his own country?
All this happerung in an Islamic country^ under the auspices of teachings that promote respect for one another reganlless of race, creed, religion or sex.
America is aU too often referred to as 'The Great Satan' and yet within this country, despite its flaws, and I repeat, its flaws, everyone has the freedom to manifest his religion or belief in teaching, practice, worship and observance. It is time Muslims reassessed who is the real enemy of Islam.
inside
students on the march
flower girls
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all opinions expressed in b:link. Including opinions of fact, are those of Individual contributors and do not necessarily reflect the views ofany editor or the Ise su
page seventeen
will wedding
bells toll for peace?
words by nikhat rasheed
Times of India debate to pro-^^pose new measures to facilitate peace between India and Pakistan brought about the notion of cross-border marriages. The overwhelming response of most Indians who wrote in was that it's an idea worth exploring. Barring the occasional right-wing, bigoted view, most readers conjectured that it would be a novel initiative to bring about understanding, tolerance and celebration of common cultural ties.
Fifty-four years of partition cannot erase centuries' worth of commonality and brotherhood. Fifty-four years of a learned consciousness of nationality cannot erase a subliminal and instinctive feeling of belonging and brotherhood between people on both sides of the border. As an Indian Muslim, Uving in the Middle East and studying in London, I have been brought up to regard human beings as just that -human beings. Having grown up with Pakistanis around me, being the only member of my extended family to visit Pakistan and interact with its people, I hold no racial biases or generalisations about the people of either country. And through my visits to both nations, I have seen that there exists no real hatred or bigotry in the general populace. Instead there exists a marked curiosity to know more about the
other. A curiosity that one has perhaps of a distant family relative that one has not seen, but has heard of through the grapevine. The grapevine in our case includes every single Indian or Pakistaru newspaper, magazine, website, television and radio charmel and the overseas diasporas of our respective communities who work in harmony in neutral countries.
Cross-border marriages would remove the mystery siuroimding the people across our man made division. They would facilitate an understanding of each other's cultures at a grass-roots level and promote goodwill and trust. After all, sending yoiu: daughter to the other side may as well be sending her off into space. Space was once unknown - it is through brave exploration that we have come to know so much about it. Similarly, by promoting cross-border marriages we would dispel the untruths and biases that have seeped into our consciousness and replace them with the light of discovery of the truth. The people across the border wiU no longer be the monsters we have imagined them to be because of oiu: own ignorance. And in the end we'll realise that there is only one truth and that is that at the end of the day, we're all people. Good, bad or evil, we are all the same, and that is
the only truth.
It may be useful to explore the issue of religion here. Cross-border marriages imply that they would be between Muslims of both countries since the majority of Pakistanis are Muslim. What about the minority Hindus, Parsees and Sikhs in Pakistan? Surely there are a handful only, but they qualify as Pakistanis. After all, nationalism is a leamt concept. A nation is an abstract concept but if the renowned scholar Kamal Salibi's definition is to be taken as a base, 'A nation is a body of people associated with a particular territory, which is sufficiently conscious of its unity to seek or possess a government peculiarly its own'. Under this, the minorities within both countries lay valid claim to their nationalities, however few they are in number. Thus the implication is that even minority cross-border marriages would serve to increase awareness and harmony.
Under the guise of one institution, if there is any obstacle to this new solution for peace, it is 'gov-emmenf. By this, I mean the governments of both countries whose political stands and poUdes endanger the implementation and subsequent success of this measure. The General's stand on no talk on any issue without the resolution of the Kashmir issue, though understandable, may by its very nature endanger any other peace initiatives. It is imperative that a variety of measures to promote goodwill be taken in conjunction with the pursuit of peace in Kashmir. In our case, this would mean easing visa regulations and restrictions on movement of people between the two countries, by both governments.
There may be some opposition by right wdng Hindutva-oriented extremist organisations in India, trying to oppose the facilitation of cross-border marriages, just as they tried to oppose the Lahore-Delhi Bus in 1999. PM Vajpayee would have to take a stand on this
issue and vocally encourage cross-border marriages. Perhaps, instead of spending exorbitant amounts of our budgets on defence, we could mutually pool and redirect some resources to a cross-border marriage fund. Sounds ridiculous? Think about it seriously. There are hundreds of marriage funds run by governments and institutions of faith across the world, so why can't there be an Indo-Pakistani joint-govermnent marriage fund to facilitate goodwill and understanding? After aU, in a subcontinent with such deeply entrenched attitudes, perhaps the creatively bizarre may be a workable aid to a permanent solution.
At the end of the day, fifty-four years of a learned consciousness of division and difference cannot be so deeply ingrained into our national psyche that a few decades of sincere re-education cannot bring about a permanent change. Where there is a will, there is always a way. Cliches suffice sometimes.
Nikhat Rasheed has written for the News, Karachi regarding indo-Pal( affairs. She is eager to hear of your views on indo-Palc relations.
You can emaii her at nikha-trasheed@yahoo.com.

V
page eighteen
the european dimension of
words by louis loizou
/ "¦ ow inspiring it would be for '	Europe, and for the world
at large, if Cyprus were to heal its wounds and if Greek and Turkish Cypriots were to enter the European Union together on the basis of a settlement which took into account the interests and concerns of all parties!' (Romano Prodi, House of Representatives of Cyprus, October 25th 2001).
But what are these wounds that Cyprus has suffered and why would it be inspiring to heal them?
Cyprus, a colony of the British Empire for the period 1878-1959, gained its independence after the successful struggle of 1955-59. The result was the tri-power Treaty of Guarantee and Alliance, which was signed by Britain, Greece and Turkey with the purpose of preserving the independence, territorial integrity, security and constitutional structure of the Republic of Cyprus. Soon after, and particular on Ae 16th of August 1960, Cyprus was declared an independent state.
It must be borne in mind that by the time of the declaration of the Cyprus Republic the population of the island consisted of 18% Turkish C5^riots and 80% Greek Cypriots.
Turkey invaded the nor^em territory of Cyprus on the 15th of July 1974 after a brief coup engineered by the Greek military junta against the
Government of Cyprus. The junta's coup lasted for three days and democracy was re-established. Instead the Turkish forces performed a second invasion of a greater scale on the 14th of August, while a UN cease-fire process was in progress.
This intervention was illegal: Turkey as a guarantor power had Jhe right to interfere to restore the constitutional order. Instead it invaded and de facto divided the island.
The two consecutive Turkish inva-sior\s resulted to an army occupation area of 37% of the island and to the displacement of one third of the Greek Cypriot population. Many thousands died and 1588 Greek Cypriots are still missing.
On the 15th of November 1983, the Turkish occupied area unilaterally declared itself independent, still remembered by many Cypriots as 'the Black Anniversary'.
The 'Turkish Repubhc of Northern Cyprus' (TRNC) is an unrecognised and illegal entity, condemned by the UN Security Council (Resolution 541 and 550) wWch called for the immediate withdrawal of Turkish troops urging all states not to recognise it. No country in the world except Turkey, which supports it economically and militarily, has done so.
It is estimated that since 1974 at least a third of the Turkish Cypriot community living in the north occu-
pied part has emigrated. In addition with the illegal importation of over 115,000 settlers from Turkey and an additional 35,000-strong Turkish army, Turkish Cypriots are now vastly outnumbered.	i
On May 10th 2001 the European Court of Human Rights found Turkey guilty of 14 violations of the European Convention on Human Rights in C)^rus (Cyprus V. Turkey application no. 25781/94). The decision refuses to recognise any authority of the TRNC, since the accusations are solely against Turkey. What is remarkable is that Turkey, a candidate country for EU membership, instead of complying with the law, is continuing to threaten to annex the northern part of Cyprus if Cyprus accedes to the EU!
The Government of Cyprus has set out proposals (conforming with the High Level Agreements of 1977 and 1979 as well as UN obligations) on all aspects of the Cyprus problem, with the goal of a united Cyprus firmly in mind. Furthermore, within the proposals the problem of security is equitably treated for both commuruties in the context of a demilitarised Federal Republic, so that all citizens can have corvfidence in the future and can feel that aU their rights and property are secure. It must be admitted that Turkey's foreign policy does not support the proposals.
This official document, entitled Outline Proposals for the Establishment of a Federal Republic and for the Solution of the Cyprus Problem (1989), has been included in the outline proposals provision for Cyprus' accession to the European Uruon.
Romano Prodi, in his recent speech to the House of Representatives of Cyprus, argued that the Union 'lends its full support to efforts to resolve the Cyprus problem and salutes in particular the continuing work of [the UN]'. He also repeated the unanimous Helsinki decision that 'if no settlement has been reached by the completion of accession negoHattons, the Council's decision on accession will be made without the above being a precondition'.
Therefore Cyprus will join the European Union even before a political settlement is reached and, as Romano Prodi argued, 'Cyprus will be among the first candidate countries to do so', while 'the Union could not be an obstacle to finding a solution to the Cyprus problem', since it 'does not wish to interfere in the institutional arrangements to be agreed between the parties'.
Cyprus first applied for EU membership in 1990. Tiie application was followed by the positive opinion of the EU commission in 1993 and the accession negotiations commenced in March 1998. On the 12th of March 1998
President Clerides presented to the European Council Presidency a formal proposal inviting the Turkish Cypriots to appoint representatives as full members of the team negotiating the accession of Cyprus to the European Union. This proposal has not yet been taken up but remains on the table as an invitation for the Turkish Cypriot side to participate.
Accession promises the prospect of a peaceful and viable solution to the Cyprus problem, the benefits of which will be felt by all citizens of Cyprus. First of all it will improve security for all the population of Cyprus, which will derive from membership of a Union of nations and sovereign states. Secondly, the commitment to refer to the European treaties and the body of the EU law will safeguard humanitarian and other principles. Last, but not least, the provision of EU citizer«hip to the citizens of Cyprus will benefit both Greek Cypriots and Turkish Cypriots; people living in the north will enjoy a higher level of prosperity and living standards, keeping, at the same time, their own cultural heritage.
As a member of the EU Cyprus also has a lot to offer: the healthy state of its economy (a GDP per capita even higher than some current EU member-states'), its highly developed service industries, the highly educated population, the devotion of the people to the ideals of the EU, and even the geographic position of the country, are all elements which enable Cyprus to contribute to the stability and welfare of the European family, regardless of its r small size.
The message to Turkish Cypriot^d®. a warm invitation to join and strengfli-'' f en Cyprus candidateship for accession ^ to the EU and to find the courage to abandon the depressive pseudo-state regime. Listen to the warm voice of the president of the European Commission: 'As a president of the European Commission I say to all the people of Cyprus "Welcome!" The European Union will only be complete when you, and the other European peoples who aspire to membership, are ready to join us'.
This article was written by Louis Loizou on behalf of the Cypriot Society.
If you would like to join the voice of the Cypriot society then come and sign our petition on the 15th of November, supporting the reunification of Cyprus after 27 long years and hence give the chance to both Greek Cypriots and Turkish Cypriots to live together in peace and harmony as they used to for centuries.
page nineteen
war of the carnations
words by Catherine baicer
-i-here must be something of an ^exhibitionist streak in the
Lebedeva family.
Quite literally, of course, in the case of Tatyana Lebedeva, currently the world triple jump champion, who won her title sporting a bizarre haircut not entirely successfully based on the Russian flag. (Cropped and bleached white at the sides, with inch-long bands of red and black on top, for any of her countrymen - or women - who might be interested in displaying their patriotism for Mother Russia.)
All it took was a bunch of flowers for Alina Lebedeva, a sixteen-year-old Latvian girl from Daugavpils, to make her point more effectively than Tatyana ever managed. A member of Latvia's National Bolshevik Party - which I'm afraid I shall be assuming, imless any National Bolsheviks are here to correct me, to be the grandiose affiliation adopted by a few student radicals in search of an imposing name under which to drink Latvian beer imtU three in the morning - Alina infiltrated a crowd of juvenile well-wishers and slapped the Prince of Wales across the face with what is reported to have been a carnation. Since these are no longer the days when the automatic LSE reaction would be to discuss whether the carnation was an inappropriately bourgeois symbol in the struggle to create the People's Republic of Daugavpils, I can only say that ifs a bit of a comedown from the storming of the Winter Palace.
In the resultant diplomatic kerfuffle Alina's father blamed the influence of 'other people' for her one-woman, seven-petal protest
against Britain's involvement in the bombing	of
Afghanistan. Add this to what we already know about her politics, and the finger starts pointing inexorably to a several-years-older Communist boyfriend with a really cool goatee,
and he lets me sit on the back of his motorbike, Natalia,
just imagine. But anxiety about Europe's function in the war against terrorism extends far beyond Latvian flower-girls: the conflict has posed a tricky dilemma for Green parties across the continent. One dapper candidate for London mayor notwithstanding, Britain's Greens still seem to have too much of an association with tin-rattling on Save the Whales Day for many to realise that their counterparts elsewhere have established themselves as a highly effective force on the centre-left for voters disillusioned with the Third Way-inspired rightward shifts of New Improved Social Democrats such as Gerhard Schroder's.
The division in the Green movement couldn't be more apparent than in Germany, where Chancellor Schroder has responded to an American request for support by pledging to the war effort several ships, a medical evacuation unit.
km


armoured vehicles able to detect weapons of mass destruction, and one hundred members of the KSK, Germany's answer to the SAS without the accompanying cottage industry in veterans' memoirs. The deployment could total nearly 4,000 troops, adding up to the largest commitment of German forces in a fighting role since 1945. For Schroder, ifs a way to stay in the forefront of European diplomacy, and an opportunity for Germany to repay the debt it owes the US for the solidarity she showed her after the Second World War; for German pacifists, ifs a dangerous precedent, and the grassroots members of the Green party (at least, the ones who aren't too busy chaining themselves to railway lines in protest against the arrival from northern France of a train transporting nuclear waste) are deeply concerned. As many as a third of their deputies in the Bundestag may vote against sending troops, pitting them against their most influential politician, Germany's Foreign Minister Joschka Fischer.
The unlikeliest of hawks, the career of the bespectacled ideologist whose sweeping plans for European integration can be guaranteed to make retired army majors in Tvmbridge Wells choke on their toast and marmalade begins on the barricades among the Marxist student activists of 1968. This January he testified at the trial of a fellow 68er, who went on to join a terrorist cell and take part in the attack on an Opec meeting in Vienna; at the same time a photograph surfaced showing Fischer himself attacking a policeman at a demonstration in 1973. His subsequent political trans-
formation could leave you wondering if he arrives for work in a coach made out of a pumpkin; having rejected the armed struggle, Fischer has emerged as a hard liberal who backed the bombing of Yugoslavia and made an emotional appeal to his party last week not to shirk Germany's new international responsibilities.
It's the same elsewhere, and not only for Green politicians, but for the governments of smaller EU member states and those whose traditional neutrality was conceived in the bipolar standoff of the Cold War, not the 'shoulder-to-shoulder' world of the International Coalition. Portugal and neutral Ireland both complained after Tony Blair hosted a dinner bringing together Germany, France, Italy, Spain, Belgium and the Netherlands but sidelining half the Union. The Dutch, in fact, only made it to the table after their PM heard about the meeting and telephoned Blair in full wicked-step-mother mode to ask why he hadn't been invited too: it had to be pointed out to Downing Street's Sleeping Beauty that the rationale for the minisummit was to bring together contributors to the war, and Dutch soldiers were already working with
America's military command in Florida. Two-speed Europe appears to be raising its head once again, and this time ifs not about the weighting of votes on committees. Fair enough, this isn't the Eurovision Song Contest, and nobody has to ask Sweden to play just because a group of Abba-revivalists wearing offcuts from a red leather sofa scored more points than expected last year: but as the Portuguese president, another leader left in the turret room with his spirming wheel, pointed out, such infringements of the basic EU principle of the equality of states threaten Europe's imity just when it's needed most.
This isn't necessarily the war that Europe's pacifists signed on to stop, nor that Europe's neutrals envisaged distancing themselves from. Indeed, the Austrian chancellor has already hinted that his own country, once a buffer on the edge of the iron curtain, might take part in the next wave of NATO erJarge-ment. From one perspective the European front seems more united than ever; but what remains of the far left, carnations in hand, may still ensure that none of our war leaders can be too complacent.
Catherine Baker is the joint editor ofb:linl(.
She cannot deny a snealdng sympathy for Alina Lebedeva, but wishes the girl could have used a rose instead, because it might have made her headline . \i^rk much better.
V
/ ) 7*^ ^
I S ' *N . /	- 4
page twenty
here we go again

it's student funding
words by jane linaker
the Labour government rode to victo- have actually fallen. The institutions ry on the slogan of 'education, edu- themselves are suffering hugely from cation, education'. Mr Blair is aiming years of under-investment, books are van-for 50% of under-30s to have received ishing, staff are leaving for better pay some form of higher education. But for elsewhere, and therefore classes are grow-numbers to even match our foreign coun- ing, even the buildings are falling apart.
terparts, we. still need 100,000 more stu- The whole system is in crisis.
dents entering university. So how has the But hurray! Higher education is in line Labour government gone about effecting for reform! Tuition fees are to be abol-this momentous change?	ished!
In 1995, before Labour got irv I was Current proposals even recommend out on a protest against loarw and for the return of the grant to students from grants. Just two yiears later, after Labour's low income households.
'triumph', grants were completely abol- Can this possibly be true? No. This is ished and students were charged fees for not reform, it is tinkering, just like the the privilege of going to university. How many previous 'reforms' of the last 10 enticing. In the 1980s students were years. Gordon Brovm will not give a awarded a grant of what in today's fig- penny more to higher education. The uies is probably around £4000. Now they retiun of the grant would be a maximxim get nothing but an average debt of £12- of £2700 for students whose parents earn 14,000 upon leaving.	less than £10,000. What on earth can you
It is accepted that Labour has failed, do with £2700? That's less than £52 a Not just in failing to attract more stu- week, and does Mr Brown seriously	.
dents, but numbers of UK students enter- believe that a family with an income of port? No, so students are all to be eligible the same number comj^fe' their degrees, ing university over the past two years under £10,000 can provide any extra sup- for loai«. And this time loans with no spe- The dropout rate tends to be much higher
rial deal. These will be hardcore real-life, abroad. Employers are dem^ding gradu-real interest rate loans. Another idea is to ates for jobs that would previously have impose a graduate tax. When students been filled by school-leavers. My short have completed their degrees, they will working life has proved to me that a first repay the state for their generosity in degree is no longer enough to indicate allowing them to go to a university where any level of specialization. The National they had to fight for books by paying 3p Institute of Economic and Social Research in the pound tax, for the next 25 years, has found that one in three new graduates That's nearly £1,000 a year.	fails to find a job that would justify the
I'm impressed. Students will surely experwe and effort of three years of study, come flocking. The fact that the prospect We have too many graduates, and the of massive debt positively discourages easiest way to cut numbers is by financial exactly the working-class students the means. Most uiuversities are being left to government are supposedly seeking to decay while the few high quality mstitu-attract has obviously had its effect. Loan tions (such as our own) survive by their repayments at regular interest rates, or reputation to provide the elite with a paying extra tax for most of your working decent education and assure enough life is clearly far more attractive than the high-calibre graduates to fill labour mar-current system. Especially when it is ket demands. There is no intention of exactly these students from working class expanding the system. We don't need any backgrounds who are less likely to be more students. Education is no longer a high earners after graduation.	riight, or even a privilege, it is simply an
I am begiiming to suspect that the expanse.
government has no intention of broadening access to higher education. And why should it? While we have fewer shidents beginning degrees than elsewhere, almost
V
page twenty one
the first british president
* -^hen a Tory backbencher light-heartedly began a question to Tony Blair during a parliamentary debate on November 1st with 'V\M1 the Presid....' the Commons, Tony included, erupted with laughter. It was, after all an, albeit slightly deferential, himiorous stab at the Prime Minister, and nothing more. Well, understandably not for the assembled men and women, most of who have never seen a parliamentary system in which constitutional theory resembled political reality. They are the men and women who are participants in the demise of such principles as ministerial responsibility and parliamentary sovereignty.
Threatening to introduce some, albeit distinctly Blairite, realism into the parliamentary system is Graham Allen, MP for Nottingham North and ex-Labour party whip. Later this month he is tabling the Prime Miiustership Bill (also referred to as the Premiership Bill, although this is sadly nothing to do with getting Andy Townsend's tactics truck off our screens). This is a proposal to lay down in writing exactly what are the powers and responsibilities of the British Prime Minister. For Allen, it is 'only by acknowledging that Britain has acquired a Presidency and publicly defining its powers arid responsibilities we can discover ourselves as a democratic nation'.
One carmot help but sympathise; Blair has mote jobs than any other politician in the Western world. He is our head of gov-errmient, head of policy implementation, principal representative overseas, leads a political party and is still the face of government in the national media. Yet with these posts of responsibility also come rights and powers, which are equally as extensive. Blair, through party whips and an executive dominated legislature, can control the ways in which his use of power is checked and investigated and appoint the Ministers he chooses. This has prompted Allen to declare 'With the possible exception of North Korea, no other legislature in the world accepts such a hiimiUa-tion from its head of goverrmienf.
Blair's post-September 11th metamorphosis into international jet-setting statesman could not have come at a better time for Allen, whose new book The Last Prime Minister: Time to be Honest about the UK Presidency is also released this month.
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However, for all of Allen's cunning marketing ploys, we should be aware that the timing of his half-hearted call for injecting realism into the Prime Minister's role is a concern of not so much pressing but paramount importance.
In the weeks since September 11th Tony Blair has seemingly forgotten about his Cabinet, and the legislature seems even less worthy of consultation, as Blair's pri-
ority seems to be his mutation into a modem day Phileas Fogg (it's also too tempting to avoid commenting that the success in travel of both is reliant on producing a lot of hot air). Simon Jenkins, a columnist in The Times, has been particularly critical of the new vogue of Presidentialism, bucking the pro-Blair tone of recent press coverage by commenting that 'no Prime Minister since Walpole has shown less concern for

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Parliament. Cabinet government is reduced to a reporting session'. He also criticises Blair's decision to move his Chief Whip out of 12 Dowrting Street in favour of press secretary Alistair Campbell on the grounds that 'nothing could be more symbolic of presidency than to give the media such priority over Parliamenf.
Tfds is doubly ironic given the conduct of the, legitimately-titled. President Bush during the same period. From September 12th, Bush was visibly surrounded by his senior cabinet officials. Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld and Secretary of State Colin Powell, two men who have not always seen eye to eye yet seemingly have important roles alongside the President. The inexperienced Bush has actively sought the support and opinion of his Vice-President Dick Cheney and his Attorney-General John Ashworth too, with the result that the American response has come across as well managed consensual action backed by a group of strong individuals. Whilst Bush's election as President was tainted by controversy at least some, if not most, Americans voted for him to assume this presidential role; Blair has merely been elected as MP for Sedgefield.
Even if, taking Graham Allen's realistic views on board, we accept Tony Blair has transformed the role of Prime Miruster into that of President, we cannot help but ask: whose President is he anyway? For a man fighting a war on terrorism he seems to have forgotten about matters of prime importance in his ovm country, the Real IRA car bomb in Birmingham being afforded little attention by Blair himself, or indeed the national media. Given that that Blair now has the majority of this country's printed press eating from his (weU-travelled) hand it seems more fruitful to look abroad to find an accurate account of events; The Wall Street Journal now r^^rs to Blair as 'America's chief foreign aiJi^jpsador'.
Graham AUen couldR^ have anticipated such sinisterly relevant times in which to release his book, yet seems to be keen to devalue his calls for realism by using surreal primate-based imagery in support of his theses: 'Instead of a healthy balance we have an executive, the UK presidency, which stands like an 8001b gorilla alongside a wizened legislature and judiciary'. By claiming that, among other things, Blair 'enjoys powers that would make Stalin blush', Allen cleverly uses humorous exaggeration to protect Blair. In pushing to the extreme what, following a review of Blair's powers, we would see as the worst case scenario, the reality of Blair's presidency instantly becomes not so bad. However, like his parliamentary colleague on the Tory backbench, whom we met at the start, the irony they seem oblivious to is that satire can come ominously cloSe to reality.
Charlie Jurd Is the joint editor of Mink,
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Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone
Just The Facts
Starring: Daniel Radcliffe, Robbie Coltrane Directed by: Christopher Columbus Release Date: 16.11.01	Running Tinne: 152 mins

It's been sitting on my boolishelf since Ciirlstmas. "You've just got to read It," I've been repeatedly told. "It'll only take you a few hours." Maybe so, but I seem to l<eep getting sldetracl^ed. Books are for essays these days, and after digging through Giddens' latest to hit my word limit,* the prospect of reading for fun Just Isn't so appealing. Yes, folks, I've not read the book. But now, having spent just two and a half hours In the company of the film, I'm convinced that I should have. On the other hand, I have a feeling that I enjoyed Hatty Pottet and the Phllosophet's Stone (the Aim retains the book's UK title on these shores) ail the more for not being familiar with Harry's magical world. For my virgin eyes, it was a wholly new experience. I'm not quite so sure that fans of the book will end up so satisfied, for reasons which I will reveal.
Harry Potter (Daniel Radcllffe), as you probably know, lives with Aunt Petunia (Fiona Shaw) and Uncle Vernon (Richard Griffiths, WIthnall And Ts IVIonty) and their vile, spoiled child Dudley. Neglected and forced to live In The Cupboard Under The Stairs, Harry's true past Is unknown to him. A small scar on his forehead holds the key to his magical destiny, bringing Hagrld (Robbie Coltrane) to his door. Rescuing him from his foster parents, Harry Is taken on a whirlwind tour of a hidden side of London, then carted off to Hogwarts, a school specialising In bringing out the best In children like Harry. Children who believe in magic.
I guess it's best to set one thing straight right from the start. The first Hatty Potter film Is a very entertaining adventure, and certainly one of the most enjoyable kids' films I've seen in a good while (Toy Stoty and sequel excluded). The cast is an Impres-
sive one, peppered with British stars from stage and screen. Robbie Coitrane takes the largest of the grown-up roles and Is charming as only a fat Scottish man could be. Alan RIckman hams it up as the rather devilish Professor Snape, calling upon his old Sheriff of Nottingham routine but, given less screen time, it still feels fresh. Maggie Smith is a joy to watch as deputy head McGonagall, managing to wring out moments of enjoyment with a simple sly glance. Cameo appearances from John Cleese and Julie Walters, amongst others, make the Introduction to Hogwarts a constantly surprising one.
'The first Harry Potter film is a very entertaining adventure, and certainly one of the most enjoyable kids' films I've seen In a good while..."
It's the kids, however, who carry the film, and they do so admirably. Daniel Radcllffe, In his second Hollywood role to date (and no^ne saw The Tallot Of Panama anyway), walks off with the role of the titular hero. He's never overplayed, and backed up brilliantly by Rupert Grint as his sidekick, Ron Weasiey. In fact, Weasley's at least as memorable as Harry, and has far less to say or do; testament to some Impressive comic timing on his part. Rounding out the trio of up and coming magicians Is Emma Watson, as Hermlone. She deals impressively with the character development chucked at her, turns in
t'.'
The Piano Teacher ®

Just The Facts..
starring: Isabelle Huppert, BenoTt Magimel Directed by: Michael Haneke Release Date: Out Now (Ltd.) Running Time: 129 mins
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The Piano Teacher seeks to explore the nature of madness, power, control and love. It is a demanding two hours, not least because music and silence are given equal weight to the dialogue in conveying the film's message. The thoroughly demanding, if not exhausting part, is the last hour; a succession of brutalising set pieces performed by two individuals, one disturbed from the outset, the other drawn into an escalating cycle of violence and madness.
The former is the cold and withdrawn Erikah Kohut (Isabelle Huppert), a piano teacher at a Viennese conservatory. The latter, her pupil and eventual lover, Walter, is a gifted, handsome student, although it is questionable to which he is more attracted: the music or the musician. The first half of the film concerns Walter's wooing of the unresponsive Erikah. His path to her heart is the music and her passion for Schubert. Indeed it is the music that gives the film its spine, drawing us in and holding our attention; most of the scenes are centred on the piano. When this spine is broken in the second half, the music disappears; the film becomes darker and much more'disturbing but ultimately loses itself and its meaning in the portrayal of madness and the power games of desire. Whilst the depiction of power and madness is utterly convincing, the love never is, neither as a love born of obsession, nor, even more dubiously, true love.
The Piano Teacher is unswervingly intellectual in its study of power and control. Erikah is the supreme ruler in her musical domain, dominating the suave and arrogant Walter. Outside the class-: room she desires to dominate but ultimately to be dominated and her abusive relationship with her
mother is perhaps a major factor in her mental illness. Tellingly both mother and lover say the same line; 'You're mad. You're completely mad.' However intellectual the film is, contrasting the insular Erikah with the stifling bourgeois world of Viennese music, which is unable to contain her extreme desires, I felt very uncomfortable watching the last three quarters of an hour. The shocking scenes (some very shocking of genital mutilation and sexual obsession and violence) were not included merely for their 'shock value'. But the parade of sickening images was perhaps too much for my bourgeois taste. I felt that once it had been established just how 'fucked up' the characters were, we did not need it constantly re-emphasised. It may be that our discomfort was mirroring that of the characters onscreen, and these parallels are undoubtedly useful, but 1 simply didn't enjoy it. Ultimately the genius of the film is in the music of the first half not the violence of the second. Having said this, director Michael Haneke brilliantly captures the tragic frustration felt by Erikah and the sexual frustration of Walter. The acting was superb throughout, with Huppert absolutely outstanding. The disappointing second half was redeemed by the stark, brutal and brilliant final scene, the (anti) climax of Erikah's 'confrontation' with Walter. The film reminded me of Lars von Trier's Breaking The Waves, another film where man ultimately dominates female desire, showing the old power balance is still in place. But Breaking The Waves, for all its starkness, retained its soul, and was simply more enjoyable. Go and see The P/ano Teacher, but don't expect to have fun.
3/5
Matthew Morgan

a nice performance as a pint-sized, kicl(-ass heroine, and is very pretty witii it to boot. Choosing my words carefuiiy there, but my iiousemate (i.c.vlnten@lse.ac.ul<) admits to positively fancying iier. iVIovIng swiftiy along...
So, the cast are all In checi<, but what really keeps things ticking along (and at 152 minutes, that's very important) is the source material. Harry's world, the characters who Inhabit it, and J.K. Rowling's imagination keep the film filled with entertaining touches, a personal favourite being the Sorting Hat, which comes across as an adorable Yoda-style headpiece and a nifty special effect too. As a newcomer to Hogwarts, I was kept enthralled throughout, but couldn't keep my cynical eye entirely shut.
It Just doesn't seem as if director Chris Columbus (he of Home Alone directing duties) has added much to the overall experience. There's certainSy no inventive camera-work, and the staging seems perfunctory at best. His approach seems to be that of point-and-shoot without much thought, and chuck in some occasionally poor special effects where necessary. Thankfully, he's pointing the camera at a good cast with a cracking script (from Wonder Boys scribe Steven Kloves), so he gets away with It, but I couldn't shake the feeling that It could have all been a touch more... magical. I'm guessing here, but the set pieces from the book which should have leapt off the page onto the screen and Improved for It don't seem fully realised. The game of Quiddltch (a fictional sport played at the school, if you don't know) comes across as a less impressive version of The Phantom Menace's pod race, with poor CGI. Everything has a horrible digital sheen which never convinces. Added to that, the stadium's biiilt out in the middle of an open field, so it Just, looks like the computer boffins ran out of time to add in extra scenery. The game of Wizard's Chess near the end looks far better, with the Jagged edges hidden away In the shadows, but the sequence itself is rushed and unimaginative.
There's a reason Jurassic Park's groundbreaking T-Rex attack sequence was set at night.
Daytime effects are much harder to do. More importantly, however, with Jurassic Park, Spielberg was able to capture a certain sense of wonder about the dinos before letting them run riot. Columbus can't quite wave his directorial wand with the same aplomb.
Had I read the book, I have a feeling I'd have been a iittlie disappointed that the film didn't take the chance to grab the characters, the story, the Ideas and take us somewhere that words on a page couldn't. The above criticism Is nitpicking, but this adaptation occasionally has the feel of a rush-Job, coasting on the success and quality of the story. In spite of that, as the end credits rolled, I'd enjoyed myself a great deal, and am very happy that the first sequel is in production. But as a book-weary film buff, I think I'll Just wait for the film rather than ruining all the surprises.
4/5
Tom Whltaker
HM--.
Just The Facts.
starring: Nicole Kidman, Ronnula Flanagan
Directed by: Alejandro Amenabar
Release Date: Out Now	Running Time: 101 mins
The Others
Set in post Nazi occupation Jersey, the film centers around Grace (Nicole Kidman) and her two children; daughter Anne (Alakina Mann) and son Nichofas (James Bentley). And a prime horror movie location, A Big Country House. All is not right straight from the start of the film as we learn that the house servants have mysteriously vanished Marie Celeste style, but as luck would have it three out of work servants just happened to be passing by and popped in on the off chance that there might be some work going. As the creepy atmosphere grows the children start saying they see children in the house and the grand piano seemingly starts playing itself, the new workers Bertha, Charles and Lydia (Fionnula Ranagan, Eric Sykes and Elaine Cassidy) clearly know more than they are letting on. Kidman is fantastic in her second great film of the year playing the mother slowly going mad, practically locked inside the house to look after her two photosensitive children who are unable to go outside as any light stronger than candlelight may well prove fatal to them.
The film never throws the characters into overdone scary situations,
it just lets the tension build as the film twists and turns. The director uses the camera and sound to suggest rather than to straight out show you what's going on, as footsteps and whispering is heard from behind locked doors. One scene where the camera focuses on a sinister face in a mirror only to reveal that this is in fact just a painting with a sheet over it is particularly effective.
This scary movie is however, no Scary Movie. It's refreshing to not have the knowing nods and retro references that seem to fill most post-Scream horror films. Instead we are left with a proper horror film that does exactly the job it set out to do, give you a good scare but at the same time make you think. If you care to look, this film (especially in its brilliant ending) questions unquestioning religious faith, and as such might not be to all tastes. Still, whilst never truly scary in an Exorcist sense, it did make me fully jump out of my seat at least twice, always the good sign of a great horror film.
4/5 Ian VInten
CE>
Commentary: I first heard of Harry Potter on the TV, one morning last year as I was getting ready for work. There was a bit of controversy about it being an appropriate book for children because it was apparently full of magic. I decided to buy and read the first book to see if it would be appropriate for my little brother. Besides 1 wanted to see what all the fuss was about! Within a week, of buying the first book, I had bought and read all four books!!! I sent the paperbacks to my brother and bought myself the hardback copies!!!! I feel no shame to declare to the world that I have read Harry Potter books 1-4 TWICE!!!!!
Plot: The adventure of Harry Potter, a young wizard, in the magical, dangerous and exciting world of witchcraft and wizardry, is a story that captures the imagination of every mind Irrespective of age. Harry Potter is an ordinary boy who lives in a cupboard under the stairs at his Aunt and Uncle's house, which he thinks is normal for someone whose parents have been killed in a "car crash". Harry, a boy of eleven is shocked when he learns that he is a wizard and not any ordinary wizard at that. The circumstance of his birth and his position in the world of magic is made
clear to him. He is offered a place to study at the prestigious Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. He has some opposition to overcome from his horrible Uncle and Aunt before he can attend the school. Hogwarts proves to be an overwhelming, dangerous and exciting experience in the life of this young boy. He makes friends with Hermione and Ron. These three come across a weird and life threatening adventure in school when they find out, the philosopher's stone which is hidden at Hogwarts, is attracting unwanted attention. This could be the end of them all especially as Harry comes face to face with his enemy, Voldemont. This story is well-written. Drama, suspense and comedy are intertwined. Come and meet the other colourful characters in this book and let your imagination do the rest for you. This is no ordinary children's book. This is a masterpiece. For those who grew up reading about goblins, pixies and fairies, this is a book on another level. For those who didn't, this is a chance to. This book will transport you to a place of absolute amazement and will leave you gasping for more.
Shola Babington-Ashaye
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(.k.KO WI.!X«
Just The Facts.
Author; J.K. Rowling Publisher: Bloomsbury Year: 2000
Price: £ 6.99 [each]

ii:
If anyone has a ten-year-old relative to impress, they could do a lot worse than catching up with Harry Potter and The Chamber of Secrets, ahead of its imminent translation into Hollywoodese. Ok, so the adaptation's run into difficulties before it's even got off the starting blocks, with Zoe Wanamaker refusing to continue her role as Madame Hooch, the Quidditch instructor, unless she's paid rather more money than last time, and not of the leprechaun-minted variety either.
This might be just as well: a teacher named after an alcopop who delivers the most glaring double entendre of the movie ["grip it tightly, we don't want you sliding off the end"] is possibly verging on Magic-Roundabout-esque levels of subversion.
What we have been promised, however, is Kenneth Branagh as Gilderoy Lockhart, the blond poser responsible for teaching Harry Defence Against the Dark Arts in his second year. Did David Beckham's agent not return the casting director's calls?
Catherine Baker
Look out next week for reviews of Harry Potter's other adventures!
If you are a Harry Potter fanatic contact us at: seni8saph@ltotmaU.com
\ Wi/virtk .vT<K'v tn vvvn Htvn*	Sufutfy
V
Ode To The Beaver
Down in the basement, opposite Tlie Underground Bar,
Tlie door of Tlie Beaver Office is often left ajar.
In and out walk the Editors, always in a rush,
Friday's are the worst, as we've got to get to Crush.
But, when deadlines near and tempers soar.
Up goes the music and PULSE close their door.
Whether it's Peter and Andy's raving rocj^,
Which Saph and Sen are always quick to mock.
Or it's Justin and Ian with a verse from Britney,
Jimmy will be smoking, whilst someone's impersonating Whitney.
As Bommy works on BART and Charlie works on BLINK,
Chris and Nick discover that the printers have used the wrong ink. So out walks our Editor and in come Amy and Ruth,
Meanwhile Saph and Sen keep praying for an interview with Cherie Booth. As Clubbing Editors Ruth and Tom catch up with the chaps,
Mark's in a hurry, as he's got to take some snaps.
In pops IVIatt and Kerron walks past.
But he won't be writing much this term, as his arm's still in a cast. Amongst the clutter and permanent smell of cider.
Frantically typing away, you'll find Catherine and IVIaidah.
So, as one can see, to get things done.
Involves large amounts of stress, and equal amounts of fun.
Thus, down in the dark basement. The Beaver family write, Working through the day and sometimes through the night.
So why not come and visit The Beaver crew?
Working on the paper could be just for you.
Meet the Editors and join Houghton Streets Crdme de la crdme. And it could be your story making an IMPACT at Thursday's UGM!
By Seniha Sami
For all you budding poets out there, we've created a section just for you. Please send your poetry, book reviews and
short stories to Senl8saph@hotmall.com Alternatively, pop down to see us In The Beaver Office [C023 opposite the undergound bar]
A
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¦illaii)
American Head Charge The War of Art
Knowing that I have no idea who the hell this band is I decided like a good little reviewer to do some research, thanks to the wonders of the Internet. American Head Charge (AHC) started up when Chad Hanks (bass and guitar) and IVIartin Cock (vocals and that is his real name), met by chance in a rehab centre. After their release they created this seven-piece outfit and started playing around the Minneapolis area. They must have been well received because after releasing several demos and the independent release of their first album Trepanatior), they were signed to American Records who have Slayer, System of a Down and The Black Crowes on their books. Fresh off tours with Fear Factory and Ozzfest 2001 they have released the aforementioned album.
As this is a metal album review I feel I should be mentioning phrases like squirming, squealing guitars punctured by tortured screams from the singer or words like wailing, brutal, raging etc. Fortunately this a Beaver review and not from Kerrang, a magazine that considers the Manic Street Preachers heavy enough to be
Good Head?
inside their publication. Naturally if this was a nu-metal review it would have been very short with just the word avoid emblazoned all over it.
AHC are a pleasant surprise with only a couple of the sixteen

tracks being weak, and this is a musically accomplished album. I have no doubts that having Rick Rubin (Beasties-lll Communication, Slayer, Public Enemy, RHCP) producing had a lot to do with this.
The anger of the music is made even more powerful by the sudden tempo changes, and surprising intrusions of gentle ambience or electronic noise, or just as likely, silence. Improvements are needed to their lyrics for the band to progress but overall this is a good album. Hopefully AHC will lead the way for a wave of new metal bands away from the nu-metal pap that we have been force to endure - Limp Bizkit won Best Group at the European MTV awards for f*** sake. AHC will be supporting Slipknot when they come to London and those of you going beware as one of the guitarists as a penchant for playing in the nude and judging by his picture this will not be exactly a Kodak moment for you all.
***
Ryan Cooray
Dread-Rocks
ill White on the Night?
Social Classics Volume 2:
Dread Meets Punk Rockers Uptown Various Artists
This is seriously good stuff. The title is somewhat misleading, though: it would be
more appropriate as the name of an underground skate-punk compilation such as those produced by Fat Wreck Chords. Dread Meets Punl< Roci<ers Uptown, however, is an impressive tribute to the founding fathers of dub music. For those of you unfamiliar with dub, it is basically reggae-style music, but with much slower rhythms, very amplified bass lines and lots of sound-distorting effects such as reverb, echoes, and syncopated breaks in the music.
The tracks on this album have all been selected by Don Letts, the producer behind Bob Marley's video clips. Some of the songs he picked are foundation stones in the dub and reggae cultures of Jamaica. The Congos' Fisherman has a very deep sound to it, putting forward the contrast between lead singer Lyton's characteristically falsetto voice and the very low bass tone of the opening chorus. There also is Tappa Zukie's legendary MPM Dub, with its dizzying trumpet reverbs. Another interesting piece is a track by Lee 'Scratch' Perry, The Tacl<ro, released in the early stages of his career, and it sums up dub music pretty accurately, with its reggae-inspired rhythms accompanied by completely distorted samples from American cowboy movies. Rnally, there is a song by King Tubby, considered by many as being the initiator of the dub movement, called Bag A Wire Dub, which is the opening track in the album, providing a good introduction.
The CD sleeve provides a good background to the compilation, which was meant to sum up the glory days of Jamaican dub in London clubs in the late 1970s. However, it highlights the album's failure to attain its objective, that is to say to show how punk and dub in the late 197bs were very closely linked and deeply influenced each other in the following years.
This is definitely one of the better dub albums you can find, and is worth getting if you're an aficionado of sunshine-drenched, spaced out music. It's also great if you need to relax or are trying to get your mind off things.
R. Le Frogge
Bubba Sparxxx.
Dark Days, Bright Nights.
Biters. The most successful rappers in the game have all got someone who has bitten their style, flow, lyrics or appearance. Tupac has Krazy, Ja Rule and Lil' Zane to mention a few, and Biggie has Shyne. After the multi-platinum crossover success of Eminem it is only natural that someone had to bite his game, so it isn't surprising that the now essential item for any super-producer is not the Iced-out medallion and Rollie but a whiteboy rapper. Dre has Eminem, Puffy has got Kain and now Timbaland comes with his own protege, Bubba Sparrxxx, who has released his debut album on the new Beat Club imprint on Interscope.
Dark days, bright nights is a 19 track album, with much of the production overseen by Timbaland. Whilst we are not great fans of the Timbland sound, he has had a plethora of chart and club hits in the past with joints like , Jigga's Big pimpin, and Missy's Get ur freak on. The latter is a prime example of Timbaland's fascination with the Indian sound, which he has continued on Bubba's ¦ album. The slick-paced nature of certain tracks, particularly the first single from the album - Ugly - are addictive, providing an original angle to the album, itself has broken the MTV barrier, a requisite for platinum plaques. Timbaland's influence makes certain for formulaic and infectious beats which ensure a standard of production in the first half of the album that is rarely surpassed. Yet whilst leading tracks such as Ugly are catchy and will get airplay (especially with the Missy cameo), an anthem like My Name Is or too would have firmly embedded Bubba in our minds. Even with the legendary Timberland behind the album, there is a certain infuriating monomania to the tracks: the collaborations do little to raise the album above at what times can only be considered the mere shell of much Ijetter tunes by Outkast.
Bubba is faced with a conundrum: he can't take the Vanilla Ice approach of pretending to be a studio gangs-; ta, so he is left rhyming about his escape from poverty^ ; drugs and about what a fucking legend h^ is. This is where the oroblem with Dark Days, Bright Ni0its is; the
subject matter becomes pretty standard after a while.; It's just not the same when your escape from poverty was from Hicksville in the Bible Belt, rather than the Bronx or South-Central LA. Whereas Eminem's stroke of genius was to create the Slim Shady alter-ego, which meant he could rhyme about the twisted adventures that he couldn't possibly have, the problem for ail rappers that don't come out of the hoodj^at they can't claim to be a gangsta nor can they rhyme ?about the everyday struggle. Even attempts to raise the question of the place of a white man in the predominantly black world of rap gives you a gnawing feeling that you've heard it all before. Tunes that pander to the established influence of ghetto culture in hip-hop lyrics are merely left to the black collaborators on the album.
It is this fact that makes it difficult to get away from the feeling that Bubba Sparxx is just a tool for the record company to 'buy into' the craze for white rap stars, and to try to tap the burgeoning markets for hip-hop in middle-class America, even if the only similarity between the two is their colour. The second half of the album is quite lethargic, although just enough has been done to ensure good sales; quality across the album, and the sombre tracks that make up the majority, is a secondary concern. The monotony of Bubba's voice represents a case of good timing; the right place and the right time for a man with a decent level of talent to achieve success well above his means.
' Owen Lysak and Akhilan Theiventhiraoipillai

b:art >
C
ysi0
Merseybeast
Ian McNabb <® Purcell Rooms 7:11: 01
The first question you'll probably ask is; who the hell is Ian McNabb? Well, boys and girls, to those of you who aren't in the know (that's most of you I guess!),
McNabb is possibly one of the finest songwriters ever to emerge from Liverpool (and yes, that includes Lennon McCartney, Marsden and McCulloch). His brand of eclectic pop'n'roll first caught people's attention as the songwriter for 80's band Icicle Works, and since their demise, he has improved beyond doubt, releasing a string of marvellous solo albums that have won him critical acclaim (including the Mercury Music Prize nominee Head Like a Rock, and Truth and Seaufy which Made Q's top 100 albums of all time), but little outside recognition from the masses and scant commercial reward. McNabb, however, has won himself a small devoted following, and the all-seated Purcell Rooms is packed out tonight to watch him play a solo acoustic show, making for an intimate evening. Drawing comparisons with Neil Young, previous McNabb tours have usually featured the presence of his backing bands, namely Crazy Horse and the
Afterlife down lar.
. This show, however, is a stripped affair, and the results are spectacu-
McNabb has a penchant for superbly crafted, storytelling songs, and Merseybeast, the title track of his third album, is joyously received by the crowd, the acoustic delivery revealing its simplistic beauty. Without the electric treatment, McNabb's lustrous vocals shine through, especially on Camaraderie and Too Close to the Sun, a teaijerker if ever there was one. McNabb isn't afraid to rock out on the acoustic guitar either, and Fire Inside My Soul, the opener of Head Like a Rock, loses none of its charm in this setting. The customary Scouse ch wit of McNabb is always present between songs, and he even walks into the crowd to ask the audience for requests - a touching gesture. The egocentric anthem I'm a Genius, and the Icicle Works song Understanding Jane get the crowd going, and McNabb exits the stage to rapturous applause. The encore is also superb, and set closer, the poignant piano led Stone My Soul, is a fitting end to a fine performance. Tonight, Ian McNabb is masterful. Music at its best.
Peter Davies

Delta Could You
Well, it's another band whose core is comprised of two rather dour-looking Northern brothers...But fear not! Unlike Oasis and Embrace, Delta are actually quite good, and have produced a funky, laid back, smooth grower of a single. Unfortunately, unlike both Oasis and Embrace, Delta have never really been lauded as darlings of the music scene and have had a run of bad luck when it comes to both record companies and, well, getting anyone to
listen to their i laden song, i
ic. However, on the strength of this chilled out groove-serve all that to change, quite frankly. Great stuff.
Aditi Mene
Seafood Splinter
Watch out, this is the finest record that was ever made. Not! Splinter make stereotypes about indie music come to life, le average guitars and vocals that sound like
'e already ^This record itards who lis-rioons and think Seafood, I really r goes down
Ja Rul;
Livin' It up
Having just produced a remix of Ji.o^s latest ^>f(e,fing I'm Real that upstaged the official production, NYC rapper Ja Rule really must feel he is living it up. Currentlyjn Berlin shooting with Stephen Segal on his latest and no dcutStnon-violent movie, optimistically titled Half Past Dead, Ja Rule sbll makes time to rele^d'ttiis blend of upbeat and lightweight hipnhop .«id r'n'b from his album Pain is Love.
Radiohead and their Mi have enough bands lik( is strictly for those sai ten to Xfm on Sunday it ves trPiTi street ci hope your musical Now Please.
Joe Rudkin
***** ****
***
Hall
Passfieid Hall Albert Hall Eric Hall _ Sir John Elizabeth Hall
British Sea Powei Remember Me
The vocalist here is a cross between Meatl(te^f ng„
Bowie (in their 80s prime), and the rhythm is a mixture of the Clash and Squeeze (this vicious cockt^Bfeesn't go down well). This song is by no means dnything to write home about, and in fact if you are after a band Of similar sound just head to your local sixth form and you will no doubt be enlightened. Remember me is one of those songs you listen to and wonder who they cop^^jpiff (unwifflhgly of course)??? The introduction rhyth^^^atchy, but dies a rapid painful death.
George Voyatzis
Factor
Nazta Rahim
m
Quinn Inbetween Worlds
Accompanying some angry guitars and a crunchy beat are some rather petulant-sounding female vocals: doesn't sound new or promising, I admit. Still, Louise Quinn's single offers something a little more substantial than your average female angst-rock wail-j^ngs. With a fusion of dance beats id guitars, a funky and promi-nt Dmcratchy bit in the middle, and th^ioody lyrics, it's actually reminiscent of the Sneaker Pimps when they did Six Underground, and	bad thing at all.
Aditi Mene
Four Tet Paws
Who are MWtond what music do^pfPray? A simple question and ffier lisRiing to this CD twenty times like me you will remain clueless. The most appropriate definition of this music would be multi-cultural dance music. The songs have essences of wide-spectrum of very different artists (Paul Simon, Nine Inch Nails and Moby to mention a few). The music is...well the type you would get at a trendy bar in Soho or a hippy candle shop in Camden Market. Nothing particularly special here, but it is bound to be someone's cup of tea.
Freestyle Disco Novamute
Out 26, fjovember, this is the second single from current album, The Mission Statement. The man behind this stice df digital discotheque is underground elec-tronica lab^Novamute's latest signing - the prolific and eclectic DJ and producer Si Begg. Freestyle disco continues his project of crossing genre boundraries and injecting a little humour into what seems to rarely now deliver interest, the 4/4 dance pop single. In a post-Daft Punk age, this proves entertaining but never memorable.
*** Joe Rudkin
George Voyatzis

4 b°art)
( mysi© h
With tiiis week beiiig such a feast of music (a bumper edition of S pages), Swann has been busy elsewhere. Nevertheless, he has managed to come up with some incoherent faollocl<s..,Just for you. Swannderftill!
Having taker? up so much space already this week, I'll spare you a drawn otrt lecture on something you probably don't care about any-and cut to the chase. This week. I realised that it Is all about the music. Putting aside amazing light Shows, over the top costumes and other ridiculous stunts (live snakes, anyone?), when it comes down to it, the music is what really matters. People who Just get down and play, be it in the Albert Hall or your local are the real heroes, the real musicians. If you can't do it live, you can't do it ftill stop. Anything beyond this is theatre and although sometimes it may provide an entertaining extra to a performance, the best show is seeing a group of people with a real musical understanding going out and enjoying themselves. People who hide behind things only do so when there's something to hide.
Andrew Swann

Wild At Heart
Silver Ginger 5 Black Leather Mojo
Black Leather Mojo heralds the welcome return of rock & roll icon and madman Ginger, the former tunesmith of the seminal Brit-rockers, the Wildhearts. During his halcyon days, Ginger not only established the Wildhearts as one of the best loved British rock bands of the nineties, but also continually courted controversy through a series of bizarre acts (trashing the Kerrang offices, using a turd in pitta bread as a single cover, featuring hard-core pornography on a single video, throwing a vacuum cleaner out of his flat window). Following the Wildheart's split Ginger has kept a fairly low profile, featuring in side projects such as $upershit 666, and the irreverent Clam Abuse.
This, however, is the solo album that aims to fully relaunch Ginger as a rock God and reclaim the hearts and minds of rock fans up and down the country.
Stylistically, the ¦

album echoes the Cheap Trick - meets -AC/DC sound that was honed and perfect-by the Wildhearts. Thankfully, on first listen	it ^ becomes clear that Ginger has not lost the uncanny ability to knock out a shit-hot tune. From start to finish we are treated to a collection of songs that may mark a new dawn for Rock & Roll. Divine Imperfection, featuring Gospel singers on its killer chorus, sets the tone, whilst Whatever Happened to the Rock & Roll Girls contains melodic hooks that could easily grace Pet Sounds. Even more outstanding is the anthemic Monkey Zoo, a paean to the Samian species that is sure to bring out the lighters on tour, \nside Out also highlights Ginger's penchant for penning a heart-warming pop song.
Towards the end of the album, however, things turn a little pear-shaped as more emphasis is placed on the AC/DC influence, especially during the monotonous Take It All, Why Don'Tcha. This is fortunately offset by the gospel tinged Church of the Broken Hearted, with a chorus to die for.
Black Leather Mojo represents some of Ginger's finest work since Earth Vs the Wildhearts, and is certainly the album to put the balls back into rock & roll.
ifkieit
Peter Davies
The Fat of the Land

Crashland @ The Monarch 6:11: 01
Tonight sees the Welsh pop-punksters Crashland showcase some of their new material at the Barfly . Having built up a following with their solid debut Glued, the band, whose sound is like a hybrid of the Buzzcocks and Supergrass, are strrength-ened by the addition of a new guitarist, making for a more cohesive live show. Although the venue is minuscule, ensuring a relatively small crowd, its acoustics more than compensate.
The band take to the stage, opening with the pop-punk gem Standard Love Affair, a tale of unrequited love that was one of the standout tracks from their debut. They then highlight their saccharine pop sensibilities with a frantic version of former single Modern Animal, a song which could easily fit
onto Supergrass' / Should Coco. In particular. Bassist Martin Maddaford
the harmonised backing vocals of drummer Mark Childs complement those of frontman Alex Troupe, creating a Beach Boys-esque effect. The fresh material premiered also suggests that Troupe is maturing as a songwriter, holding its own with anything from Glued, whilst their new guitarist adds an extra dimension to their performance which was lacking as a trio on their previous tour. The guitars are cranked up as they rip through the Jam style Submission, causing chaos in the mosh pit. The band then depart, before returning for an encore, finishing on crowd favourite Glued, with its 'Milk and Honey' refrain.
With such a strong flush of songs, venues as small as this should soon be a thing of the past.
Peter Davies
Beaver Maths
News
Buck-y 0' Air
The trial of REM guitarist Peter Buck for air adjourned, theBeaver c^n reveal. Buck faces five charges in total, includir^ assaulting two Brit® Airways staff on a flight from Seattle^ Heathrow on April 21st this year. He is alleged' to have been drunk oh^board. He denied all charges at an earlier hearing.
has been-
The Wu-Tang Plan
The Wu-Tang Clan are planning to release 3; new album before Christmas. The Clan will release their as yet untitled new record, and the follow up to last year's the W, on December 1.8th. A singlej Pinky Ring has already been serviced to radio stateside.
Reconnnfiendecl Gigs
The Pietasters @ Camden Dingwalls Tuesday 15th November Ed Harcourt @ Shepherd's Bush Empire Saturday 17th4 November



3

>
Tell Me Wai
Mogwai <® Brixton Academy 10:11: 01
Rrst off, the Brixton Academy, although somewhat of a spectacle of a venue, has fucking anal staff. The £2 per item cloakroom policy sucks. The keep the queue moving, "keep moving along", keep it moving, bouncer chant is so much more than annoying; it's patronising. Brixton Academy staff: Fuck You. Now to the point. We came for the 'gwai and the 'gwai we got. In a raw and pure form Mogwai, uncompromising as ever, delivered a set drawn from all their studio albums. Ranging from the maniacal Like Herod from Young Team, to the more subtle 2 rights make 1 wrong from the most recent Rock Action.
The crowd, left subdued after a magnificent display of apathetic music from Sophia, were craving for some noisemongering from Mogwai. Consisting of mostly indie kids, some older trendies and some metal fans; I anticipated the audience would be so much more lively. Mogwai make music which stirs, music which doesn't tolerate apathy, rather fucking despising it. So surprisingly the crowded felt no need to move except for enthusiastic head nodding. Personally, flailing every available limb, opting for a complete fuck off attitude, I fully engaged in the proceedings. Mogwai committed mentlcide on the audience, systematically reducing our minds to concede to the noise. Noise being the operative word of the evening. Mogwai have mastered the art of dynamics, perfecting the quiet, quiet, quiet, loud, loud, loud, quiet, quiet, LOUD, LOUD, LOUD, FUCKING LOUD, dichotomy. Cutting to
the chase, the real action only happened in the encore, after some relatively melodic flute/guitar stuff came My Father, My King, a 23 minute 12 second, Jewish hymn opus. Quite simply
the best piece of music to be recorded in a very long time. It is quite simply awesome. On record the songs get gradually louder, as it did live, but the difference is that the live version knows no peaks. My Father my King was expected, being a Mogwai set closer for the past few years, but what was not expected was the drawn out brilliance, verging on symphonic genius which it turned out to be.
Ending the set, the band's monitors were turned on the audience in a 'we're giving you all we've got' experience. Guitars were strapped to amplifiers for maximum white noise ear drum popping, near death noise impact. Mogwai are the gods of Noise and worship at their altar please. Sacrifice your ears to them and you shall be rewarded.
Myke Burn
Chairperson Mow
Mower Mower
Signed to Graham Coxon's Transcopic label, and having been produced and much championed by the Blur guitarist. Mower have come up with this, their debut album.
Yellowbeiiy is an energetic screamer of an opener,
full of thrashy punk guitars, screaming vocals, quiet and then really noisy bits that are actually quite exciting on first listen.
Then along comes the NME-loved Na, which is a rather funky strut, but as a possible downside, also oddly reminiscent of The Offspring. Psycho Song tries really hard to be like Jon Spencer Blues Explosion, and sort of manages it with bluesy guitars, distorted vocals and the same rolling drumming that the Blues had on their brilliant Acme album. So far, so good.
Then, along comes Remember Me, which is just dull in comparison to the first three songs, with its average punk guitars and disinterested out-of-tune vocal wailings. Sadly, all previous Blues Explosion influences start to disappear. Drinking for Britain is another average song, but at least this time the singer tries his best to scream the completely unoriginal lyrics "all I wanna do is/ is drink for Britain" over and over again with some conviction. The amusingly
titled That's Rock'n'Roli Baby is pretty entertaining though, and has an energy that's head banging fun. Plus, at just a minute and a half long, it's over in a flash, just long enough for it not to have overstayed its welcome in your ears.
Office Space is quite a surprise of a song, and has a Pavement influence to it in the way it starts small and builds upon itself layer upon layer. Still, like many of the other songs on is album, it never quite lives up to its initial promise and just starts to sound like another rather hackneyed thrashy punk song. Infamy sounds like they're trying to actually construct a real tune somewhere within the noisy fuzz, but it's lost by the annoying tendency of the lead singer to sing deliberately off-key. Again, if he's trying to sound like Stephen Malkmus, he's just not doing a very good job at it to be honest. Album closer Gentle Bends is very heavily influenced by both the Blues Explosion again, and also Breeder's Cannonbaii, and is actually pretty cool, just like they probably hoped it would be. It's just a shame that you have to sit through the rest of the rather dull monotonous tracks to get to it. So, the album starts off well, then falters with a load of rather average punk crap and then closes with a great song. Not sure that only about five songs from this short album were really worth the effort though, Mr Coxon. Maybe he should stick to his day job.
Aditi Mene
A Bridge Too Far?

Various Artists Bridget Jones' Diary 2
It is an impressively eclectic arrangement of artists, ranging from
Robbie Williams to Smokey Robinson and the Miracles. One might of thought that mixing golden oldies with late 1990s hits would sound weird, if not bad, but the songs actually all fit in very well, for they are all linked in one way or another to the recurring themes of the movie itself, that is to say romantic love and the worid seen through a woman's eyes. Indeed, a few of the tracks, such as En Vogue's My Lovin (You're Never Gonna Get It), or TLC's Waterfalls, can be considered as classic feminist anthems. There also are some legendary love songs, like Nilsson's Without You, which will remind you of the closing moments of your High School Prom, when you've been slow-dancing with your date and are wondering when would be the best moment to finally kiss her.
"is
Musically speaking, perhaps the only reproach to be made about this soundtrack is the fact that it is slightly too soppy and cheesy. On the other hand, one might wonder what the hell the point was in releasing a second soundtrack to the movie, especially when none of them were specially composed for the movie. Furthermore, one can hardly say that Bridget Jones' Diary will be the milestone movie of the year.
Classic soundtracks like that of Apocalypse Now only have one volume, so why should there be two for this one? It is highly probable that it is only a cunning money-making scheme intended to further promote the movie, as is made unsubtly clear when you open the CD box and out falls a reminder that the video and DVD will be out soon.
Basically, this is a great compilation of some of the best romantic/soppy songs of the 60s, 70s and 90s (nothing from the 80s, interestingly enough), which is sure to cheer you up in the cold winter days in London, when it feels like the sky is closing in on you, and that the Sun has decided to ignore England for the next six months. But don't buy it if you already have the first volume.
R. Le Frogge
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ViiiSisSy
>
USIC
Scene and Heard
i.
mstsnuf--
After twelve years together, the god sons of mod, Ocean Colour Scene
release their greatest hits album. Andrew Swann listens to the CD and goes to the gig (Yes, he did buy the T-shirt)...
Ocean Colour Scene @ Shepherd's Bush Empire 8 : 11: 2001
Coinciding with the release of their greatest hits package, CCS played a somewhat low key show, with cameras present to film their new video. With drummer Oscar Harrison missing through a bad back, caused by the medical condition of 'Pulling too many birds' (Simon Fowler), the Scene were never going to be in full force. An adequate replacement was provided however, in the form of Steve White (Paul Weller's band, brother of Oasis' Alan), thus ensuring a great show.
All the hits were played- Craddock kicking out in true Townshend style- with a few extras, a Small Faces cover, but few suprises. However, that is the genius of an OCS gig; everyone there Is a fan and knows all the words, thus creating a special atmosphere no matter what. The crowd packed into the standing area went mad every time an electric guitar sounded and the balcony sang every note. This was a typical Scene performance in every sense, right down to Damon Minchella (bass) making an arse of himself; well, it was his dad's birthday! Fowler looked especially good in a striped shirt, although as a fan, seeing them without Oscar is like seeing a man on crutches- he can get by, but is not at his best.
Not to take away from the performance though, this was certainly not a bad one, it just wasn't the best I've seen them. They enjoyed themselves though, which for a band who have been together for twelve years,was great to watch. Many other groups have come and gone in this time, imploded and exploded, but the Scene continue to produce the goods against the odds. Fowler's blast at Radio 1 during Mechanical Wonder showed how they are united against a common enemy (read: NIV1E). This was shown in the overall performance and confirmed them as
one of the best live bands around. Despite not being at full strength, OCS still blew most other bands out of the water. A great night out.
Andrew Swann
Pictures (clockwise from top left): Simon Fowler (Vocals, acoustic guitar) and Oscar Harrison (Drums) sit on wall; The logo; Steve Craddock (guitar God) and Damon Minchella (Bass) on said wall; The Scene.
Ocean Colour Scene Songs For The Front Row, The Best Of...
Being a 'best of...' this is naturally an album of singles with the odd b-side and album track thrown in for good measure. So, rather than bore you with the details of songs you will supris-ingly have heard before, this review will chronologically chart these songs with the intent of making you realise that 'the Scene' are a special band who's songs are in many cases ingrained unwittingly in British consciousness.
This release ignores the earlier,
somewhat shoddy eponymous first album, instead starting its focus in 1996. Summer, the height of Britpop. A new band on the scene (no pun intended!)
release a riff-based single which is immediately snapped up as the theme tune for Channel Four's new flagship programme, TFI Friday and goes top ten. From then on, this was the summer of OCS; supporting Oasis at Knebworth and scoring a hit with the album Moseiy Shoals. The singles that followed Riverboat song were generally more laid back, providing the soundtrack to a summer of football and beer gardens. The day we caught the train perhaps singing to the Who's 5:15 (the song Jimmy heard the day he caught the train), cemented the mod link that has become their signature. One for the road and The Circle along with b-side Huckleberry Grove were nostalgia tracks for last order mate-hugging and singing, whilst You've got it bad was the Friday night out dancing song. As autumn drew in, OCS looked a sure bet for greatness.
However, by the time Marchin' Already had arrived in 1997, things had changed. A limited edition release B-sides seasides and free rides had done the business, but now the/ Britpop backlash had started and any band so intrinsically related with its central mod ethic were bound to cop the flack. This did not prevent the classic Hundred IVIile High City becoming a hit as well as later being snapped up as the theme tune to 'Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels.' With its soft but searing melody. Better Day was a minor hit alongside mod-anthem Traveller's Tune. However by now the album, despite containing live favourite Get Blown Away had been harshly reviewed by the critics and the large fanbase was seperating from the general populous. With the assistance of the legendary P.P.Arnold, It's a beautiful thing was the perfect ballad to round off this album's releases, but really signalled the end of OCS as a playlisted mainstream band. From here on it was down to tunes
alone.
These were provided in 1999 when with the release of Profit in Peace as the first single from the album One from the Modern, the scene proved they could still do the business despite the radio and press' sole intention of slagging off their every move. Followed by So Low in late autumn, OCS ended the millenium with a hark back to the struggle of getting anywhere in the first place. July then became the theme tune for . the (shit) Lock Stock... TV series, backed with the fantastic I am The News,	which
strangely does not feature in this package.
Finally, in early 2001 we were given the album Mechanical Wonder. The first single Up on the Downside was typically OCS, perfect pop, proper musicianship and a guitar hook to die for. The album's standout and title track illustrates the consistent brilliance of Ocean Colour Scene over the last five years. With new single Crazy Lowdown Ways set to carry on the trend, you really could do a lot worse than buying this album; you'll know and quite probably like many more songs than you realised.
Andrew Swann
Competition Time!
Oh you lucky people! To coincide with the release of their new single, we have a plethora of Depeche Mode goodies to throw in your direction. The prizes are as follows: A Depeche Mode windcheater:
jacket. 2 Depeche Mode 'Exciter' T-shirts, a limited edition box of their new album 'Exciter,' and both the CD and video for their new single.
All you have to do to get your hands on some of this stuff is answer this question:
What is Depeche Mode's new single called?
i	Answers by e-mait to a.i.swanri@lse.ac.uk by 20th November please. All decisions are final.
c
Turner would be turning in his grave...
Amy Williams presents the Tun's bluffer's guide to the Turner Prize
One Friday afternoon, hidden in the immense pile of mail that constitutes the Beaver mailbox, a lonely black and white invitation was poking its dainty corner from amongst the vast heap of brown paper envelopes: "Please rescue me!" it cried. The current lack of fine arts ed. combined with my own selfless enthusiasm for the production of a wonderful b:art section, meant that I volunteered my services and agreed to drag myself over to Pimlico for the Official Preview of the Turner Prize. Of course, the fact that it involved rubbing 80's style padded shoulders with artistic trendies and gave me an excuse to wear my new purple denim sling-backs might have swung it for me.
So, after arriving a cool 30 minutes late I sauntered into Tate Britain looking pretty much like a carefully created piece of art myself sporting my old denims teamed with the oh-so-now horsey polo. After the initial disappointment of no canap§s and no champers and the only freebie being a glossy brochure of the artists work, I decided to engross myself in the wonders of modern art. Without giving too much information away and spoiling the show for anyone who may be inclined to visit, the exhibition can definitely be described as the universally accepted AmEx of the adjective world: 'interesting'. But what if you need to say a bit more? What if you get dragged to the Turner Prize on a date? By your in-laws? Or by someone who might give you money? Well fear not! The joy of 'art' being reviewed by 'style' is that the point is not how it makes you feel but ultimately how it can make you look good. So here for the benefit of you all is your pocket sized Turner Prize art critic compiled with the help of none other than Nicholas Serota, Director of Tate and Chairman of the Jury:
A Bit of Background: 4 Artists shortlisted: Richard Billingham, IVIartin Creed, Isaac Julien and IVlike Nelson. The winner will be announced on December 9th and will win £20,000. ?
Richard Billingham:
What the fuck?
Two really boring videos one of a guy smoking and one of an old man. Oh yeah and a couple of photos that should reside on the birthday cards that say 'A Son Like you is a Joy to know' or something equally disturbing.
What vou should sav:
.'Billingham's work displays the dark past of his family life in the West Midlands which is obscured by a seemingly conventional narrative. Images such as Ray passed out drunk by the toilet contravene traditional taboos, don't you think, about which aspects of family life should be made public. According to that dahling critic Michael Tarantino the piece 'Ray in Bed' is ' a portrait of time passing, concentrating on the process of ageing, it draws a parallel between the body and the erosion that occurs in landscape'. His photographs suggest a cer' tain alienation and lack of community (read: there are no people in them) but the snaps of Cephalonia are positively , gorgeous'.
Comparison?
His photos harness the abstract potential of landscape and explore open countryside and vistas of fields. Very similar to Constable, I believe.
IVIartin Creed
What the fuck?
Ceiling lights going on and off in a big room. Yeah that's it. Every piss-taking quote about modern art is applicable here.
What vou should sav:
'Isn't it amazing how the gallery is flooded with a most immense pure and virginal light and then thrown into a confused and eerie darkness at five second intervals. Don't you think that this simple yet arresting spectacle of absolute minimalism is typical of Creed's witty and unsettling investigations into the role of art, its boundaries and its relationship with daily life. And didn't we love his spectacularly visual neon sign Work #232: the whole world -i- the work = the whole world ? You remember, the one that was displayed on the fagade of Tate Britain in 2000 that begged the question 'Is art inextricably part of life?'
Comparison?
The similarities with Yves Klein's exhibition 'The Void' of 1958 which presented viewers with an empty white gallery are striking. But of course Creed rejects the idea of his gallery space being empty and believes that he literally fills it with light and darkness.
Isaac Jullen
What the fuck?
Two crazy videos one about some cowboys which is quite homoerotic and one sort of haunted house kind of thing filmed in Sir John Soane's Museum around the corner.
What vou should sav:
'These videos are so characteristically poetic. They demonstrate the visual beauty and thematic complexity of Julien's work and reflect his coritinuing concern with exploring the common ground between art, cinematic film, dance, photography, music and theatre. Don't you agree that the filmic devices used create powerful poetic and symbolic frameworks for the representation of alternative and often overlooked histories? But surely you'd never catch a real cowboy wearing such horrific tapered ankles on his jeans! They looked like they were straight out of M&S menswear department! Oh how we laughed!
Comparison?
The naked swimming pool scenes featuring the two cowboys in 'The Long Road to Mazatlan' has definitely been influenced by David Hockney's California pool paintings; primarily 'A Bigger Splash'.
Mike Nelson
What the fuck?
A corridor leading to a bit of a disused stationary cupboard or office storage room. This is my odds on favourite due to the fact that you really do think you've taken a wrong turn and ended up in the depths of Tate Britain neve"" to see daylight again.
What vou should sav:
'What a dense and complex system of spaces. His work shows evidence of borrowing from cultural, socio-political, film and literary sources, juxtaposing snippets of information to form an open ended hybrid fiction that suggests a multitude of possibilities (Don't you just love that!). I found that our interaction with Nelson's installations takes time in beirig experienced; like the unfolding narrative of a book or a film, references build slowly and linger on the mind. Also wouldn't you agree that uncertain territories and the notion of trespass tinge the atmosphere of Nelson's environments with a hint of menace?
Comparison?
'You must admit he dq^s draw mainly on his own repertoire siii^ias some of his installations currentlJ^^J^owing in that artistic hotbed, Matt's gallery. However, I'm sure it could be argued that he is massively influenced by the post-apoca-lyptic horror movie.
BRITAIN
TURNER PRIZE 2001
11 )
-c

;Off€eiltre @ 333, 333 Old street, ECl Saturday November 10th 2001
A Saturday night in Hoxton, and I was suffering from a lack of breaks and beats, having of recent weeks, for one reason or another, been fed a steady diet of House-related products. So it was that I headed off to 333 in search of a remedy in the form of some lop-sided revolutionary antics from the Dff-Centre crew.
Early arrival (before 11^ ensured a bargain £5 entry fee, although it was another couple of hours before 333's three floors filled out and the party was in ftifl action. The%» floor Mother bar doesn't open until later and is notoriously difficult to find on a first visit, but its definitely worth playing Sherlock and tracking ft 4<»wn for some quality leather sofa chillout time.
Off-Centre's musical is diverse, although broadly left-field, ranging from jungle through to twisted disco, with a bit of something to keep everyone hapf^; that Jong as you aren't looking for banging ear-bleed trance or cheese-bag house, and if you are you know exactly where you can go......anyway, I	On the night the main room played host to resident PATRICK FORGE and SEIJJl, a regular at the Velvet Room's fort-
nightly Co-op night,	you the best in west London's broken beat sounds, topped off with a healthy dose of funked-up disco fever.
The majority of my nii^'ii^ spent in the basement in the company of d&b grandmaster FABIO and a rammed-in mass of appreciative and sweaty revellers. Fabio kept.1^'<fep and heavy sounds rollin' and all the feet moving whilst avoiding the worst excesses of the fucked up, dark side d&b "that some seem to fij^ihese days. Ros§ Clarke had laid on the entertainment for the early birds with a selection of funk, hip hop and Soul.
Upstairs in the Moth^i^ tie Shoreditch Twat (no. not tie war against terrorism, just a twat) was on hand to keep the sofa dwellers feet tapping. You may have read	related reviews in the Beaver before, but hell, we just can't get enough; it won't blow your socks off, but it's a night
of quality entertainmajft gi«ranteed. So dig out your thick rimmed passes, don your brown leather jacket that you bought at Carnden market, and get yourself down th^t. Mext one's Saturday November 24th.
More Cream @
Saturday November 3i
Cream in London for ROGER SANCHEZ, BAI YOUSEF, STANTON W/ tickets to. And I was
Arches, Blshopsgate, London
only. A star-studded line-up consisting of MXX (live), LOTTIE (pictured left), SANTOS, >nd GROOVE ARMADA. A paM-ty you had to win ;h to win a pair. The only cat^? 1 had a
sprained ankle, and cw^l^lHnce.
The location: Planet Ang^.'lite rooms were fairly big and »>«re were signs of corporate sponsorship^4^«d - Pepsi, MTV, Kiss FM and df course,
Cream. Upon arrival a^p^,^ friend and I found Roger Sanchez already on.
Much to my surprise, ^M^j^ was quite empty, although it gradually began to fill up as time passeda^jjpljte's set was much better than his wussy 'Another Chance' had^'i^i^ expect. Next up was Basemflnt Jaxx. For the first hour of the two-hcwf 'eet. Felix Buxton, full of energy and wthusiasm,
came on to DJ, puttingi^ »|^«at set with Latin overtones, causing me to do some incredibly wild seated clubbing (not as simple a task as y^^ WnK).
Then came the Jaxx's live set, packing the floor for the first time that night. They kicked it off with a samba tune, complete with exotic dancer, before getting down to business proper by launching into 'Romeo'. By now, we were all standing and I was dancing my heart out despite my ankle. They went through their whole repertoire, performing their biggest hit 'Red Alert', the adrenaline-pumping 'Where's Your Head At', my personal favourite, 'Samba Magic' and coming back for an encore with 'Bingo Bango' and 'Rendez-Vous'. Awesome stuff; fun, boisterous, sensual and passionate.
Next up and last DJ of the night was Lottie. She was fantastic, spinning her trademark tribal house with a touch of disco. Groove Armada's Oil set in the other room couldn't eMte compare to Lottie's, so I returned to the main room to finish off the night to aeiqr house music.
This was undoubtedly tJte best party I have ever been to. More Cream? Most definitely!
DOMINIQUE UM
i
TM^IOUCHER ENTITLES THE HOLDER T© WIORITY ENTRY TO FREEDOM ©BAGLEYS
KINGS CROSS FREIGHT DEPOT, GOODS KINGS CROSS, N1
in association with LSE Beaver

Frtday November IStii
Kte © The JBtd, West Central Street, WCl. 020 7419 9199 £10 / 8
;^1 is the year of progressive house, we are told, and with offerings like ttiis who could disagree. Danny Howells and Futureshock kick off the End's birthd^ celebration at the night very much in Bedrock's slipstream.	'
Oril^t @ Brixt<» Academy
£27 ,50 + b/t (loads of touts knockin' 'em out for thirty or so squid on the night)
This is the shit, if you haven't seen OiUital live yet what the fuck have you been doing? The brothers Hartnoi put on an awe inspiring show. With support Ifom highly acciaimed Plump DJs and the slamin' Slam; there's only one place to be this Friday.
Saturday November 17tii
City Loud @ Turiimills, 63b Cterkenwell Rd. ECl. 020 7250 3409
£io.	...
Back with a bang the excellent funky house night enters its second month, Mr. M^kintosh is joined by the Basement Boys and the Problem Kids, all together
now.... ' I jus can't wait for Saturday.,..' Sunday Novemtier 18th
4-- ¦
fvalij
Metalheadz @ Propaganda, Wardour Sireet, WG2. 020 7!434 3820 £5/7
Yet another change of venue for Headz; never loses it's touch though, still . rinsing the dubplates that matter with da fraternity on weekly rotation. Room two delivers ttie hip hop and R'n'b.
Monday November 19th
lliat's How it is e Bar Rumba, Shaftesbury Avenue, WCl. 020 7377 , .9494 ¦	O
the essential eclectic work out v/ith Giles Petesrson and Ben Witcox. Hip hop, soul, jazz, house, jun^e, funk all in the mix, worlft taking Tuesday off for.
Win Four Free Guestlist Places to FREEDOM@BAGLEY'S
Line up for Saturday November 24th: Azzido da Bass, Taucher, Lisa Unique and Rob Tissera join residents Ariel, Lisa Pin-Up, Colin
Aubrey and Mike 'Ruffcut' Lloyd If you want to win simply answer the following taxing question: Who are the residents at Freedom@Bagley's?
. Email us your answers at lseclubbing@hotmail.com
Or alternatively, if you don't win, you can still go along and use our priority entry voucher (see left) to jump to the front of the queue.

Thursday 15th November
The BeaverSport
Page 33
Hockey spank dem Battie Boys
Dodgy Vish Suppa sickens Holloway
Rolfie -	Men's Hockey	
reporting from	LSE 1st XI rrrespect	8
suburbia	Holloway Inmate XI	1
Here me now... This week's report comes from the wife swapping, teenage girl impregnating capital of the world that is Staines. The LSE arrived at Waterloo, (well most of them anyway) ready to avenge last season's quaterfinal defeat in the UL cup.
Other members of the team decided that as it was their birthday they could stroll up at any old time accompanied by none other than Nipple Pincher - Van Hobbledonk's Dutch Lover who had come to spur his fellow Dutchman on, and if needed provide him with "emergency physiotherapy" (I dread to think...)-HopefiiUy the purple headed love warrior doled out to this particular Birthday Boy, who will from now on be known as Hanky (or Snotrag), will discourage others from pursuing this irresponsible course of action in the future.
At Staines station, Pistol Pete took the lead, claiming to know the way to the ground which turned out to be an uncomfortable distance from the station. This being a mere stonesthrow from his home. Pistol recieved a few winks from the Kappa-toting young ladies along the way..... I wonder if Staines are going to have a good hockey team in a few years time, afterall dirty little Petey must have shoved his meaty somewhere in his youth. Upon arrival at the pitch, it was discovered that the changing rooms were half a mile away at the other side of a muddy field, full
marks to Holloway for hospitality. The warmup proceeded smoothly and after much consultation, Rolfy eventually worked out how to use his new keeping kit. The match began in what is becoming customary fasion with Vish Suppa netting his first of the day inside a minute. Then a visious shot from Psycho caught the keeper on the unprotected area below his scrotum known as biffin's bridge (ayi!) before cannoning into the net as the keeper writhed in agony, 2-0 LSE. Bonis Becker voUeyed one from close in to the net and Vish Supper battered one home to make it 4-0 inside ten minutes. Rasta earned the dick of the day hat soon after by attempting to pass to a man who was in fact a substitute warming up on the sideline. Shithouse had an excellent game in defence, however going forward he indulged yet again in his favourite passtimes of falling over and dribbling off the pitch. Just before half time, Holloway struck with a goal best described as "untidy" striking home past a stranded Rolfie after a brief scramble in the D.
With shouts of "we can win this one lads" Holloway began the second half, however the LSE restored to their full starting lineup soon put them further behind. After a heinous piece of foul play, a penalty stroke was awarded which Muscles (from Brussels) cooly slotted past their keeper. Vish Suppa sealed his hatrick and Pistol Pete added the seventh. Then Van
Hobbledonk who had displayed the touch of a paedophile all match added the eighth with an outrageous piece of skill, or as we call it here in Britain, a bloody jammy finish.
Holloway were such bad losers, that rather than provide us with a proper tea, we were thrown a greasy box of sandwiches. They turned out to be of the minging variety that had only previously been seen rotting in the comer of the tuns. Thats right... Ginsters, (the cheese and tomato ones are the most poisonous) give me wrights bar any day. Sharky was even obliged to do a bit of plumbing in order to make the showers work, and Jan de Cock (no doubt whilst sniffing round the kiddies changing rooms) found a bottle of team shower gel, thus avoiding sharing his own and upsetting his show-ergel budget vor ze year.
Stopping off only to visit a local off-license, the hungry LSE team boarded a train bound for civilisation. A fines session ensued and Van Hobbledonk showed us that he, not Boarding School Boy is the king of Newcastle Brown Ale, bottlebonging two in succession to atone for his failure to purchase the aforementioned drinking accessory. Vish Suppa put in a less impressive drinking performance, perhaps giving us some hint as to why he has thus far avoided initiation like the plague. The Rasta was very much in evidence as we reached Waterloo, performing his usual party tricks of

Billy Bob went to Crush and pulled one of LSE's finest
falling over, talking "Jamacan" (Man) and (quite sensibly) depositing the semi-digested remains of his Ginsters on the floor of the carriage (it looked marginally more appetising the second time). The Rasta was later seen pouring pints on innocent punters and Heing semi-conscious in the doorway of the tims, but he did at least show proper respect for the hat, downing two horns of beer and wealing it with pride aU evening.
Later in the tuns after brief conflict and an impressive performance from Pistol "Sportsman of the Year" Pete, dismissing the Rugby team's purple-headed love warrior for the cheap imitation it was (Before later making his way home
in ignominious circumstances best not described here), the rugby and hockey teams summoned their collective might for a rendition of all the old classics: Chicago, Yogi Bear etc. It was a performance of the highest quality and was nicely rounded off by a tims debut for a lady, vnth a large posterior, known to the hockey team who appeared to be engaged in some form of sexual congress with a jockey, and a masturbating Scotsman amongst others. ThgKJrand Old Duke of York, a vqg^ble drinking game, emerged. "Memories became blurred, karaote was sung, carnage ensued and a good time was had by aU... boyakasha
Women's Football show the fourth
team how it's done
Isabel Albiston
The Beaver's first cup match of the season finished 6-1 to LSE. What a great game; the Beaves are sure to grab hold of that cup this year, having lost out in last year's final.
We should have seen the warning signs when the referee confirmed after a 'pitch inspection' that the game could go
Women's Football	
LSE 1st XI	6
SOAS 1st XI	1
ahead. But we didn't.
The goals started early, with Beth scoring after about 5 minutes. Beth scored again, then Jen. Rosa did a good job in goal, despite running away screaming as a SOAS striker chased her
after she picked up the ball. I think the score was 4-0 at half time. Things were looking good, and the team were playing well.
The second half was good too. By the end of the match Beth had scored a hat-
trick, Jen had 2 and Liz had scored too. But back to the referee, a bit of a stickler for rules, it emerged. About 15 minutes from the end of the match, the SOAS goalie, in her second game ever in goal, accidentally handled the ball outside her area. Ref had no hesitations, out came the red card. It is the first time I have ever heard of a red card in ULU women's football, and it seemed a bit harsh.
But what do we care? The Beavers are playing King's in the next round of the cup. Things are looking good.
Thursday 15th November
The BeaverSport
Page 34
Wonka's factory recalls hockey girls due to faulty glazing!
Annika Breidthardt
The LSE team travelled to Cheam this week, which wasy great. Yet again we had the dodgy innuendo-packed minibus driver - does this man reaUy have a license? He has three phones and is always on one of them....
Highlights:
-the goalie kit is now rotting after being left to fester in the locker after the downpour against Surrey -Funky Monkey took time from her
guess it helped that Wrong Un (well until you get a new name) was pretty solid in defence, backed by DuraceU. In short, our defence was fantastic. The Gigolo Tamer now recovered from her kidney infection (the cause of which is stiU a little bit suspicious) played a blinder, but fines are forthcoming nonetheless, don't you worry.
After a fairly ropy first half, with many frustrated attempts at goal, Cinzano Girl got a bit tired of the whoosh of the baU going past and decided to bang it in from a classy set up. It then seemed that one of their players had given up to our superior talent and ball-skill and just decided to sit down and
Su Simargool
Women's Hockey	
LSE 1st XI	1
St George's 1st XI	0
planet to play rather well, with a bit of class defending.
Due to the unpleasant odour
Imagine a herd of elephants stampeding, St Georges really rather wanted a goal
emitted by the goalie (sorry, I meant the kit) St Georges decided not to go anywhere near our goal. I
have a rest. But oh no.....Little
Destroyer had actually headbutted her Nice.
The last 10 minutes were rather worrying. Imagine a herd of elephants stampeding, St Georges reaUy rather wanted a goal, but the rotting carcass that was the kit pretty much put them off. Then, in a wink (DuraceU to dodgy umpire in remarkably camp pink jumper), the game was .over, and we all breathed a sigh of relief.
On the way home, Poledancer showed her colours when she got a bit excited about the free sex toy in the magazine that she had bought. Shame it was just a book, but I guess you have to start somewhere....
Women's Hockey	
LSE 1st XI	12
Southbank 1st XI	0
14:0, two to the Umpire. OK 12:0 then. No further comments needed. All right, just a quickie. This week the location of choice was Crystal Palace, very much the wrong side of the river but if you play Southbank, what can you expect?
The journey reflected the opposition - pants and a waste of time. On a brighter note, we got a brand-new goalie kit (Note: not from PSM), not that we got to use it. The Pimp was solid at the back, itching to come forward. And we didn't even get a chance to let her excel at comers because every time we got into the D we scored anyway.
Our forwards actually scored this week. Cinzano Girl was celebrating her b-day belatedly with a hat trick, Su broke a personal record with four goals and she wasn't even a forward. The way she skilfully penetrated into the D and placed the ball into that net was a glorious effort and... a surprise for anyone on the team. Nicola wants to get her mention too. So we put her down for having scored at least MINUS three goals. There you are... The Skywalker never disappointing the score line added a hat trick of her own whilst taking out their no. 12 on the way. In fact, I think eveiyone had a fair crack - at their no. 12 who was on the verge of tears by half-time, both because they were already 10 nil down, but also because she was well-battered by then.
Nina operated the right wing
with typical German efficiency, working well with Skywalker to deliver some quality crosses for Cinzano Girl to poach, right oft Gigolo Tamer's stick - twice, what a bitch.
Loni had a great attempt on goal talking out Captain Presley along the way (who seems to think it obligato-
of her opponent. And did that knee look painful! This left the trainee nurses from the opposition surprisingly unimpressed, but inspired no. 12 and the umpire to call the match to an end (did anyone else wonder where the two of them disappeared off to so quickly?). Well done Issy.
3 girls, 6 eyes any man want to accept the challenge?
ry to get injured on a weekly basis). Thus, Captain will be fined for blocking a beautiful potential goal. And indeed she took to getting herself fined in the Tuns. Although, we did wonder where she disappeared to so early, completely out of character.
To finish off a rather uneventful second half - the most mentionable incident until then being Cinzano Girl on the sideline in nothing but a bra - Boneci-usher Issy with precise destroyer spirit took to the kneecap
The Pimp really did seem to want a mention in this week's article and... well her performance in . the Tuns does deserve one.
Remains to be seen if WD69 returns from her planet to grace us with her presence... and a goal... and if littlglKate's illness had anything to '^jjiiWith spending far too much tinll the library. And come on girls, we need a better effort in terms of tumbut to the third half of the match...

f


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I promised myself that once I got a job I wouldn't blow it all on high class escorts but it is so hard to get a girlfirend
Be there. The event that tells you what it takes to succeed in business consulting, but only gives you the facts you'll be interested in hearing. It takes just 20 minutes but could eventually take you just about anywhere in the world of business and technology consulting. Come along and meet our team, ask them questions, say what you think, or just listen (they are, after all, some of the skills you'll need to join us).
If you can't make it you can always visit us at www.andersen.com/ukconsultingcareers
If you can come along, we'll see you there.
Monday 19th November
Andersen Office, 180 Strand, London WC2R 1BL Arrive 6.30pm for a 7pm start
Thursday 15th November
The BemxrSport
Page 36
Play a celebrity at Tennis..? You can with BeaverSpor^s
Brought to you in association with:
Widely regarded as the flagship event on the Champions Tour, The Honda Challenge is proud to stage its fifth successive tournament ^ince 1997. Over the 5 days of the tournament, some of the world's great tennis champions will fight for top honours, displaying sporting prowess as well as providing high value entertainment. It's game, set and match as Britain's most popular and entertaining tennis tournament The Honda Challenge returns to the Royal Albert Hall from 5th-9th December!
The spectacular 5 day clash of the rackets tournament will bring together the incredible sporting talents of John McEnroe, Pat Cash, Hie Nastase and Henri Leconte in a series of exhilarating singles and doubles matches, with a debut appearance from three times Wimbledon champion Boris Becker! Becker and McEnroe have already begun their verbal sparring match:
"Mac and I have been playing with the thought of dueling with each other for quite some time" said Becker, winner of six Grand Slam Titles.
"I very much look forward to taking care of Boris on court," said McEnroe.
Watch these players fight for top honours at this high value entertainment event where suberb skills and sporting prowess are shown to the maximum extent!
Special student discounted tickets are available for the Honda Challenge Tournament with an amazing 10% off, and prices start from only £9! To book your seat at the Royal Albert Hall, call 020 7838 3104 and quote your NUS card number.
For information on the order of play, please visit:
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www.hondachallengeten-nis.com
As a preview to the event, Honda (UK) is holding a Pro Am Tournament at Queen's Club on Wednesday Cth December with top notch coaching from tennis personalities Pat Cash, Guy Forget, Hie Nastase and Jeremy Bates. COMPETITION 1- Tickets for the Honda Challenge-
Royal Albert Hall
We've got two tickets to give away to your readers for the Honda Challenge!
Reader Question: Who was the winner of the 2000 Honda Challenge singles title
COMPETITION 2- Play a celebrity in the Honda Pro Am Tournament
Enter our amazing competition to virin 2 tickets to play a tennis celebrity in the Pro Am Tournament on Wednesday 5th December!
The Pro Am Tournament will feature an all-star cast including: Pat Cash, Guy Forget, Hie Nastase and Jeremy Bates! Serve some aces after breakfast, then chat with the celebrity players over lunch
Pro Am Question: What year did the first Honda Challenge Tennis Tournament take place?
Answers should be e-mailed to hondachallenge@nus-ents.co.uk by 30th November or alternatively enter through the NUS website: wrww.nusonline.co.uk Please visit www.nusonline.co.uk or www.hondachal^ lengetennis.com for, further details.
Squash men take out their rubbei^balls
Someone writing the Beaver headlines has been suggesting that we are shit. I take offence to this suggestion. In fact, the suggestion has been made that we are fucking shit, worse than the Leicester City strike-force spearheaded by the trustworthy Akinbiyi, worse even than a drunk tag-team shag with Charterhouse and Callas.
Oh no. We were worse. But then we saw the light. Farouk's 'friend' came down from the heavens and took us to a poljrtechnic in a fucking plebby Midlands town, so backward that people were worried that Saddam might decide that it was of such national significance that it become the next target after Kuwait for his minions of terror, where apparently London's 4th airport resides, even if it is a fucking long way &om our fine and proud city.
Yes, we went to Luton.a Full credit to their captain, he doesn't lie. Upon arrival a convenation like this follow^. "Mate, I'll be honest with you, we are shite.", "No I promise we are worse", "I think you're mistaken." And mistaken I was as we unceremoniously bumraped them back to their barnyards and pigstys made of clapped out Corsa's (Vauxhall factory rt to university). Special mention to
Charlie for a 27-0 spanking (yours truly dished out a similar act of uncompromising quality), and Farouk who forsake a burger from big Ronnie Mac to rush to play. However, it is at this point that all previous recognitions get swept aside, for we must honour our valiant hero Mr Machine. Let me teU you a story....
He has a girlfriend abroad. He has some ass in London. He played a girl at Luton. 10 minutes of conversation later and she had given him her number and was coming to stay in 10 days time. Quote "C'mon guys, you have to take these opportunities." No mate, we had no opportunity, you were in their faster than Nick Stoker can rewirite an article about PuLSE to try and get in Angharad's panties.
So we won, we were envious of Luton's hooch on tap in their union bar, we were not envious of their shit tovra^ Machine got his freak on vrith his London totty, Tom went for a run with Vicky,, and Charlie snuck off for a secret date with telephone girl.
We had a match with RHUL the next day. They chickened, we got a walkover. End of week analysis LSE 1st 10 - wank opposition.
The squash club gathered for the first night out of the year Friday week 4. There was. a good turnout, about 5 guys and 15 from the girls team, a ratio not often seen before, but like normal I feel not properly exploited. Having met in the Tuns, we shuffled along to Brick Lane for a trusty curry.
The meal was pretty uneventful I would say, except that Tom or Vicky kept mixing in Charlie's vindaloo into my cuny when I wasn't watching and Charlie guzzled alcohol at a rate that my gran would have been ashamed of.
One matter though did concern me - the girls team had very little gossip to divulge about themselves to share vrith the loyal readers of the Beaver. I probed Steph and Claire (in turn, of course) but the best they could come up with was that Claire had a boyfriend (the controversy) and Steph played squash with a Malaysian grad student (not GI surely...?). However, Steph did say that I should just make some up, so here goes.;..
Claire has admitted that she regularly fakes orgasms as she finds sex with her boyfriend pretty dull and mundane (he's ever so wee apparently....), whilst Steph has admitted that she laments the lack of communal showering facilities for the girls.
Charlie has admitted that he has slept with 3 of the girls team, but is not revealing which ones, and Chr-Ryl apparently goes commando nearly everyday, citing reasons of comfort . and ease of access.
Only one of the above is correct, guesses to Charlie Gamjana-Goonchom where if you're lucky he'll tell you which three, and whether they were any good or not. Sorry if they weren't very funny, it's 2eun and I'm tired.
After diimer, the survivors toddled off to Hoxton (MOST of the girls fucked off into town to get some Haagen-Dazs from the shop in Leicester Square. I know, poor excuse) where having pretended that we cared enough to go to Cargo, we went to some bar next door that was free, unanimously declared that treasurer Charlie looked like Ken Clarke, then me and cleric Shaman headed back to get the last hotir of Crush. Oh, somehow I ended with a license plate which amused, the cloakroom girls no end, none of us seemed to get lucky, although Charlie was heading for an ice cream store in Leicester Square when we last saw him. A good night, long may they continue. Would Wednesday night be too much to ask club??????
Thursday 15th November
The BemxrSport
Page 37
?C!
So
o

S5.

High
Court

Picture Posed By A Model
Beave
S coop
I
Law Lords rule BeaverSpofts expose too hot for public
Following a 3 month undercover investigation, Beaver Sports was this we^k planning to bring you a hot stoiy on a leading LSE footballer caught "playing away from home". However this cheating love-rat has gone to the high court in an attempt to hide his shame.
In an unprecedented move the ' high court ruled against your favourite weekly newspaper. This is
a shocking assault on the freedom of press and expression and allows this scheming, lying, cheating philanderer the opportunity to get away' without the disgrace his actions deserve. The man is nothing but a cad and a boimder.
The details we can reveal to you now are that this apparently innocent and charming yoxmg man has been cheating with not only one,
but two women whilst continuing to live in a seemingly peaceful and loving relationship with his girlfriend of some years. It is believed his infidelity diuring filming for a popular, Channel 4 show set in a typical American High School. This disloyalty then continued and the perversion increased during a holiday for one in Bangkok. Details of this trip are yet to emerge, but it is
suspected that the 3 months he spent in St Guy's venereal disease clinic are linked to the degraded nights he spent trawling Bangkok's night life.
LSE Football Captain, Gavin RusseU said: "If this is shown to be true, the strongest action will have to be taken. My sportsmen have to remember that they are in the public eye, and must therefore take
responsibility for^heir actions, just as politicians a^ film stars. We will consider :^mg him and dropping him shomdvfhese allegations be proved."
Beaver Sports is outraged at this decision, as I am sure you are. If you want to take action to force the high court to reconsider its surely untenable decision, then write to your MP.
UCL: Educates fast food employees everywhere
Isabel Albiston
Despite a good performance by the : Beavers, LSE were narrowly beaten by UCL last Sunday. In a game that either team could have won, the Beavers scored
Women's Football	
LSElstXI	^ 4
Euston Tech 1st XI	6
iti.
some scorching goals. It was the most com-
^eti^tive game that we have played so far, 3?o^	some great football.
S§P?e,,^went something like this: ;UCL,sc;9?;^ .|i;^ing an early lead) LSE scored (bi:ing,.-the teams level), LSE scored
(in the lead), UCL scored. 2-2 at half time. The tension mounted. The second half began. UCL scored, UCL scored. It was 4-2, oh shit. LSE scored (come oh Beavers), UCL scored, LSE scored, UCL scored. And then it was all over. . - , .
The first Beaver to score was Claire with a fantastic goal. Jen and Holly also
did really well to score. Most surprising was a goal from Liz, who was playing left back. Winning the ball from a throw in in her own half, she dribbled all the way up the pitch and put it in the back of the net.
How did we score 4 gpals and still lose? Because they scored 6. But some inspiration from the captain: 'we will get those
tanning bed, shovy, bitchy snobs in the next match against them!'
In a friendly match on Wednesday, 5 LSE players lost 2-0 against GKT. Arriving late, and with only 5 players, I was very scared that we would be on the receiving end of the wrath of their angry coach. 'But he seemed quite pleased, and very generously lent us a couple of players so we could play their full team. Consideringthe uneven numbers and the fact that we lost 11-0 last time we played . theni, th!e 5 did very well. It was all so much fun^imtil Claire broke her foot. Hppe you aretfeeling better	, >-c/.
Thursday IStib November
Page 38
Imperial Leathered by Fifth
5th team give Mr Belding a full on, classic, epic, messianic facial
Men's Football	
LSE 5th XI	3
Kensington Tech 6th XI	0
Ricky "the spotted dick" Steele
Last year the LSE 5s woefully under performed. Failing to take their chances and bending over to inferior teams, the 5s slipped and stuttered their way to mid-table mediocrity.
Scapegoats were found and fingers were pointed, but I feel that it is my duty to set the record straight. In truth the reason for last years demise was simple - Justin
Jewell was a manager / captain in the exact mould of the captain that had gone before him, Nice Niall Bond. Too busy on furthering his career in refuse management at UBS, arch-networker JJ found the strains of organising eleven men to turn out and play far too troublesome.
So this year a more attractive and stylish footballer has been selected to take on the poison chalice of football management - and what a turn around. Eighteen points out of twenty one, confidence high and a wealth of quality at his fingertips, let us all take the time to pay our respects to the new daddy of LSE football, Mr Steele. This feisty left back has, in footballing jargon, the 'Touch of Sven".
The game against IC 6s was fraught with the danger, and fought with courage, dignity and near genius attacking play. After claiming to have beaten IC 5s, the IC captain promptly watched every single member of his team embarrassed and humiliated by the ingenuity and finesse of the LSE 5s. Even without Dav at the back (still suffering from Jewell-shitis, and a nasty case of the networks), our defence stood proud and tall
against anything this pathetic university could throw at us. Which wasn't a lot.
The off-side trap was implemented beautifully, the tackling firm but fair and the quality of passing was a joy to behold, Simon once again redefining the phrase composure under pressure. Matt -still suffering from an old war
wound from the battle of Berrylands - proved that not all full backs are loo soft to play in the
Firstly, Nick'sm sister. You poor| sweet yoimq% thing. Currently, I'm the favourite,, at the hookies, hut Dav, Dan and dirty hoy Jewell are all in the running.\ Nick is, in trum Cornwall^
fashion, thm dark horseM
centre. Stephan was the master once again (only kryptonite can ^stop this man) and Francis can only be likened to an American 'daisy
cutter' dropped on screaming innocent Afghanistanis - fucking rude, dangerous and probably against the Geneva Convention. Nick and Tom ruled the wings with their usual mixture of class and arrogance, and up front Ben flapped and Yaz finished.
But what about Dan Poulton and Johnny Beer I hear you cry? What about them indeed. Both were 'really ill', and I'm sure that both were really sober the night before. Nevermind though lads, perhaps you can buy your way back
Dan "Filth" Poulton
Having dicked all over their sixths on Wednesday, it was time for the Gimperial boys to once again get out their best leather bondage suits and prepare for a stem paddle-beating at the hands of Mistress LSE. We took the 7 hour coach journey down to the ploughed fields Gimperial call home with the 7ths and their captain Doug 'resign
into the team...
Goals came courtesy of a piece of Reynolds genius, a dodgy dodgy penalty, and a Yaz wonder strike. Ben missed the chance of a lifetime - perhaps there is some correlation between curly hair and an inability to shoot? Stephan slipped on his own moisturising fluid at the crucial moment, but how else do you expect him to squeeze into his superman outfit?
Some discussion should be devoted to the ever increasing off-pitch filthiness that is beginning to creep into the fifths. Firstly, Nick's sister. You poor sweet young thing. Currently, I'm the favourite at the bookies, but Dav, Dan and dirty boy Jewell are all in the running. Nick is, in true Cornwall fashion, the dark horse.
Do not underestimate the power
now!' Hancock.
Things looked bad from the start. The whole team had to witness Spotted Rick's sickly body in the full knowledge that only Anthrax or the entire ladyboy population of Thailand's STDs could be suitable explanation for his oddly-coloured body. (If you see a gaggle of horrifically scarred girls
of brotherly love. Dan is up to his old tricks, sharing bits of slop with his flatmate and seventh team skipper Dodgy. Dav's not been behaving either, and has formed a potentially life threatening relationship with certain elements of the Eastern European Mafia. Nick is of course stiU chasing Tracy from birds of a feather, almost as hard as he's chasing Deloitte and Touche. Francis is, to the best of my knowledge, working on his own production of the Italian Job, after he outbid Ben Castle for the shooting rights.
Not a lot more to say about the glorious 5s, but under their new stewardship what can possibly go vwong? I don't think anyone would describe us as arrogant or premature if we start to celebrate an historic league and cup double tomorrow. So we shall.
stumbling aroimd Houghton Street, cursing their luck, this could well be Ricky's group of girlfriends, all of whom spent the weekend watching skin flake from their body.) A shady story involving Matt's girlfriend gushing all over a kneeling Ricky is apparently imconnected.
With Gimperial now dressed head to toe in their new kit for the season - tight, black, leather bondage g|*r, it was time for Mistress l,^.to put on her stilettos, treaArsF.dog shit and force
I
The referee, a Gimperial player, obviously couldn't get the whistle up to his mouth through the leather mask, and let it go on.
them to lick it oft. And we did, scoring two early goals and watching Gimperial sqmrm imder the pressure of a stiletto heel. Unfortunately, things, started to go a little dodgier than Francis' hair, and Callas (seeing what it's like to play for a proper team), stiU distracted by thoughts of Ricky's blotchy member, decided to arse aroimd for about a week before

Chris: better keeper than editor thank god
Oh my God, it's him, it's Screech Powers in person
Men's Football	
LSE 5th XI	5
Kensington Tech 5th XI	3
Page 39
XI Heroes

Lochrie and Ricky exchange 3 bodily fluids in just one kiss
giving Gimperial the ball and watching it glide into our net.
Nick had, against his mother's advice, had an extra shandy the night before, and was feeling the effects. Clutching his stomach he subbed himself off so that he could stand on the touchline and wretch for a few minutes. Thrown into disarray, we conceded another. The Gimps, like the cocks they are, had forgotten who was boss.
One of them even looked like he was trying to get out of his chains. Meanwhile, further up the pitch 1st team captain Ickle Deano was being chopped at like the Vietcong at My Lai. The referee, a Gimperial player, obviously couldn't get the whistle up to his mouth through the leather mask, and let it go on. Callas generously told him to fuck off. Half-time came, and LSE needed to assert fully who was the bitch.
This we did, but not before John Beer decided it had been too long since he last took a shite penalty. The shiteness of the penalty was compounded by his confidence beforehand and the assurance that it should be he, and not Jewell, who took it. He didn't look quite such a total muppet this time, but when even Roboleg Jewell can put one away, still not very good. Perhaps the half-time bong was a bad idea after all. It didn't take long for the goals to start flowing though, with LSE dicking firmly all over the opposition and putting a further 3 away, and with Ickle

LSE Sporting Legends: Piers Sanders?
Deano, Mythen, and Beer taking time to put crocodile clips on the Gimps' nipples.
We shouldn't have conceded again, but maybe we should never play Jewell again. Attempting to do a cheeky turn inside his own box, Jewell lost the ball about 10 yards from goal and was duly punished.
Unfortunately, his turning speed is roughly equivalent to that of Saturn, and so by the time he'd turned around they'd scored, the War on Terror was just a distant memory, and Ricky's body was nearly looking normal again afteryears of surgery. Attempts by Jewell to claim that his shouts of "go, go gadget leg" had been unheeded by his prosthetic limb were, quite frankly, bollocks.
The journey home was an equally long trek, mainly dominated by Callas' demands that Ricky flop his knob out so he could confirm how far the disease has spread, and everyone getting confused as to whether Davda was on to Mrs. Y or Z by now.
The sweepstake on Nick's sister continues. When is she going to get the severe seeing to she deserves and undoubtedly wants? Gimperial trudged back off to their dungeon to have their regular mistresses humiliate them in front of their families and stick hot rods of steel up their arses. 7 wins out of 8 for the fifths. Team of the year has already been decided. Can you hear the Sixes sing?
While many of the candidates so far nominated for LSE Sporting "Legendhood" (Or is it Legendship?) have failed miserably on account of not actually being legends (not including, of course, AU President pot-holer Extraordinaire Pete Callas, or "01 Big 'Ead" Rex Cloughy Walker"), today's object of ridicule,
sorry reverence, is undoubtedly an AU Legend in the truest sense of the phrase. This man (or boy, depending on your perspective) followed in the illustrious footsteps of the LSE's finest, using his experience as a British Army General to mount a daring and tactically brilliant raid on our Strand Poly neighbours, hitting them in the very heart of their sorry campus, the library. And all this while
in the nude..............
PIERS	"COLONEL"
SANDER
ALIAS:
"Colonel Sanders" (that strange man with dodgy facial hair who butchers chickens for KFC), "Big Ears Piers" (cunningly rhymes as well as illustrating Col Sanders' no 2 physical attribute), best of all,
"Little Piers" (more on this later).
FAVOURITE ITEM OF CLOTHING;
Marks & Spencer's Y-fronts (XS of course) which keep Piers' tiny tackle from being exposed to the world on cold days, except of course when ripped to stoeds by Oscar Kent and Go; also wears women's tank-tops in an attempt (futile) to showcase
his "bulging" biceps. Yes Piers......
WORST ITEM OF CLOTHING; Ask the legions of AU females about this one, but we at the Beaver are unanimous in agreement;
Piers- NEVER WEAR	YOUR
BIRTHDAY SUIT IN PUBLIC AGAIN!
AMBITION:
Piers dreams that one day, with the aid of his Acme patented Swedish Penis Pump Enlarger to be able to join the ranks of Hollywood's finest and star in his very own Channel 5 Movie. So far, however, Little Piers has proved just too little for those Beverley Hills bigwigs; apparently 3 inches is still the minimum requirement. Oh well Piers, Medical Science can perform miracles these days you know. FAVOURITE TOTTY:
Given his undoubted status as LSE's smallest "man" (except maybe for Tall Small Gay Paul at Church), Piers has become something of a desperado since that fateful December day last year, and has predictably been forced to seek carnal fulfillment at other Universities. Recently his search
has taken him far and wide, with Piers racking up more airmiles than a Twin Towers touring Taliban trainee pilot, finding love at such inferior learning institutions as UCL and Edinbrough. Some might say, however, that a lack of first-hand evidence of said conquests might hint at possible
J
existential issues. We at the Beaver would never be so rude, however, as to suggest Piersywiersywoo was being economical with the
truth.................
PAST CONQUESTS:
Despite, or maybe because of, his diminutive stature in certain departments, Piers spent most of last year with a shy General Course
AU Barrel	
A Cold December Day	1375
"Little" Piers Sanders	0
student whose first name sounded a lot like an impoverished West African nation. It goes without saying of course that Mali's sporting activities were limited to regular gym attendance (more regular indeed than her puny boyfriend's), thus she was sadly not present during the AU Operation Wiener attack on Strand Poly,
FAVOURITE HOBBY;
Aside from attaching bicycle pumps to his penis in strange configurations and carrying ¦ 3kg weights with his foreskin. Piers has recently extended his leisure interests onto the field of comedy. However, thus far his experiments have proved rather limited, with many a good joke being ruined by that good ol' Sanders comedic timing. Indeed, our friends at the
Oxford English Dictionary company inform us that "doing a Piers" is soon to (officially) enter the vernacular as a synonym for "being a complete wanker with no sense of humour". Charming.
BIGGEST (MIS)MATCH:
Despite a late bid from the famous Piers v Joke mismatch, there was only ever going to be one serious contender for this
award.................
It was a bitterly cold December day (or so Piers tells us- weather reports in fact indicate imusually balmy sub-tropical temperatures) when Colonel Piers Sanders (Royal Engineers) thrust himself forward into the limelight (no reference to seedy Wednesday night filth venue) of LSE life, and ensured he, or more precisely Ms tiny penis, would live in infamy forever. After consuming one too many free Worthies (no Piers- the Brewers Droop excuse won't wash with us) in the Underground, lucky boy Piers was ceremonially stripped naked, his pale-blue y-fronts ripped to shreds with his own asshole by Piers' daddy for the day, Oscar Kent. Upon regaining his bearings, and realising he was standing butt naked in front of aroimd 150 hysterical people, Piers decided entertainment was required, and promptly began guming manically, before setting off at a hot pace around the LSE campus. Tragedy was narrowly averted as Piers took a tumble outside the George IV Pub, (luckily his genitals had long since become internal organs and were not dam-; aged) and Cqi Sanders led us all on a meny trofoe to the Pea-cock (oh how appr^Mate!) Theatre, where a strangely ^ei^et^ Econ B lecture were treated to a "gyrating Piers invading their Theory of the Firm. After briefly pausing to discuss the inner nuances of Marginal Variable Cost with a wony-ingly unperturbed Danny Quah, Piers and his micro-dick led the assembled AU throng down the Strand to the Poly. Two passing elderly women suffered strokes at the sight of this naked 11 year-old girl prancing through the streets of London at 2.30pm, while Natwest Bank called the Police. Strand Poly library was liberated from the infidels. Charterhouse and Oscar got naked, and Piers' penis continued to shrink dramatically. The final result?
WeU there we have it, yet another LSE sporting great achieves the immortal status of AU Legend; this week's winner is a reminder to you all that a lack of a penis is no pre-ventor of joining the growing throng of LSE SPORTING LEGENDS. Tune in next week kids for another riveting installment..........
Thursday ISth November
The BeaverSport
3rds in exceedingly messy strapadicktome
operation!
Jarlath "The doctor" Pratt
As the newly formed elite fighting unit, known as the 3rd XV, gathered at London Waterloo at 1045 hrs the enemy was already making our life difficult. Afghan terrorists had started fighting on the tracks between New Maiden and Fortress Berrylands and it was clear we would all need to find an alternative route to the Battlefield.
The Americans suggested leaving some English soldiers to fight it out for the first two years and then turning up and taking all the credit when the Battle had already been decided. I however ignored their vacillation and led the unit to New Maiden station where, with the help of some Northern Alliance taxi drivers, we found alternative transport and arrived at the fortress just before the scheduled kick-off.
The enemy realised that they had better turn up but employed some peculiar delaying tactic and we had to postpone kick-off by half an hour. However, soon our secret weapon was unfurled - our captain was .to be the referee. Never in the history of sporting conflict has such a woeful performance ever been turned in by an official. One try was given that actually defined offside - in the entire move at no time was Dave ever onside. He resided, set up business and began issuing passports from his new state of "offside". Furthermore, unconcerned with gifting LSE dubious tries he then denied the Taliban a score from his position approximately 100 metres away saying, "Sony guys,
The game started with the Srd's traditional pattern of play - the other team quickly scored two tries and we all thought we were in for a dicking
that looked out to me". Some how the enemy kept their nerve and hostilities didn't escalate beyond conventional warfare.
The game started writh the Srd's traditional pattern of play - the other team quickly scored two tries and we all thought we were in for a dicking. Then something quite remarkable happened. LSE started to retaliate. Matt Gamer, fat centre number 2, took the ball from Matt Fletcher, fat centre niunber 1, and strode through the taliban
Men's Rugby LSE 3rd XV
St Barts, Millhouse & Family
29 29
front line to put the ball down right between the enemy posts. The tide had indeed turned and captain for the day JP -tired from a night with his beautiful girlfriend - summoned the energy left in his
It was here, however, on the outskirts of Kabul, that the Taliban finally fought back. After hostilites heightened when our two American lovers, Adam and Bob, brought Barts into their tiff the game stepped up a
gear. The enemy scored two quick tries to level the scores as the final whistle blew. It all left a suspiciously salty taste in our mouths. All of us felt maltreated and abused by the Afghan doctors (except Liam	who
jumped for joy when the enemy scored).
Considering the 3rd's only previous encounter was a 53-3 decimation from the Fuck-wits of Holloway College this marked a distinct improvement. Even Bellini looked mean, our ginger dwarflike hobbit of a hooker dived over every ruck he could find and didn't concede a single penalty and the American Props Nathan and
"Hinin yes a throbingmemberectomy I agree doctor!" Michael managed
to shift their fair

body to penetrate one more time, burst over the enemy trenches and nonchalantly fire one home for the western coalition.
After half time the rot in the taliban ••regime had truly settled in and the aforementioned ludicrously offside try was given. Whist LSE were beginning to pass and move like Wayne Gretsky Barts were beginning to imitate Bambi on ice. The tracks were well and truly falling off their old Russian tanks.
Our Argentinean Foot and Mouth merchant, Gonz, gave us his version of the money shot with a Jonny Wilkinson style drop goal from 30 yards out. Not content with kicking us to victory, Gonz then went over the line to score a try in the one good eye Bin Laden's men sill had working.
weight across the pitch with some finesse. When Darius's girlfriend arrived Will Jordan improved (obviously looking to impress and feature in the heavily billed spit-roast) and together with Andy in the second row our scrum's were awesome. Even our selection of multi-national wingers - aU called Alex or Shaun- proved themselves to be quick and violent. The Taliban may have drawn this battle but the war is far from over and we are shortly to play them again in their home city of Kandehar.
Finally, I would like to dedicate this performance to John Tilley who probably won't play again this season - we'll miss you on the pitch but hopefully not off it.
Page 40
Netball
spank
Strand Poly
Jane Edbrooke -
would like to meet like minded girls
In a tritunphant comeback - though were not sure where we're coming from - LSE Netball 4ths beat King's 3rds in a spectacular display of netball prowness!!! Those of you who know us may doubt the genuiness of this article - but its true. Plus we've never been too proud to admit when we we're crap.
The first quarter left us in shock with em 11-1 lead. And before you say anything -they weren't blind or seriously physically impared!!! Infact they had a height advantage over us - not difficult with Lucy, Holly, Cristinaand Ali!!!! The suprise and our new secret weapon is the awesome duo of Krystal and Valli - they ran circles around their
Lady's netball LSE 4th team 22 Strand Poly 3rds 5
markers and made it all seem so so easy.
Every time they,shot they scored - we were all in awe. Nl^ to knock the rest of the team, who were Ji^n top form. Lucy and Cristina were on Tiingjelt at all times - making even the people on the side-lines feel tired. Holly our durkcell bimny didn't stop the whole game. Pru came into her own with blinding defence work - though it was helped by the incompetance of their shooters!!! Rachel was a trooper, intercepting at every chsince.
Ali went on at half time and infused the girls with new energy with her impressive marking, despite the fact that her oppisition was 6ft 2 (well nearly). I was all up for a celebratory visit to Hombres - but most of us are 3rd years and had lectures the next day (boring!!!). Neda informs me it was due to taste - not being boring!! True - no-one can say Neda's boring after the state of her on Wednesday!!!!
I of course was incredibly sober - like I am most Wednesdays. Really sdl those cocktails the 4ths had in Old Orleans - plus the shots me and Neda insisted on doing back in the tuns left me totally unaffected - I just like lying on the floor!!!
Manjula earned her new name of 'Snakebite' and Mun Yee won the competition as to who would pull first - dont worry Dave, if you remember it was you. Holly " however refused to participate as her boyfriend - the Captain of Mens hockey -was so.dnmk she had to take him home at half 9!!!! Poor show - but what can you except from hockey!
Page 41

Women's Squash in adult entertainment
The Money Girl Claire
Tuesday 6-11-2001 ICSM vs LSE Well done girlies! For the first time this season, (in fact, the first ever since I joined the squash team last year) our ladies' team have finally kicked-ass after 3 horrendous losses in a row!!! Many congratulations to Captain Stephanie who had left her shorts at LSE and then after aU the fuss, did not actually play in the match as her opponent wasn't present, Cher-ryl, our ex-captain. Shea-fee who turned 20 that day, Ilham, the gog-gles-fan, and Mimmi who claimed to have been hypnotised by the lecturers before the match! We won 5:0 agednst ICSM. That was some Twix well deserved!
El Capitain Stephanie
Wow, two victories in a row!! Fantastic! Again congratulations to all the players including Liz, Carolyn, Steph and Ilham! Claire, our vice-captain was put down to play 5th, only to find that she was playing the imaginary player from Sussex, wicked!
Keep it up, girls!
Rock-Climbing in filthy crevice incident
Rock climbing - fun, or just another chance to wear spandex? You decide.
Peter Walsh
I guess the weekend hasn't started off quite right when the club treasurer takes off on a psychotic free climb on the first climb of the trip. Or when the next day some crazy American bloke who likes to jump across chasms volunteers his services to become the club safety officer.
Or when to cap things off, the same aforementioned two decide to take a plunge into the frigid Atlantic waters from 3 fi meters on a typically cool English November day. So it is when 4 guys from the LSE go out on a rock climbing weekend. We never know what might happen. We often don't know what we're doing. Soitwais
that we left ourselves too little time coming off the cUmb on the last day and found ourselves stumbling through brambles in the pitch dark (my brutalized hands tell testament to the fact) above precipitous tumbles into a large boulder field and the Atlantic Ocean.
It comes with the territory. However, climbing on warm limestone faces in sunny 17°, and individuals terrified of heights reaching new personal heights by getting to the top of a gnarly climb, also comes with the territory. In the end, it's all fun and always rewarding, because it's always in the spirit of adventure.
Interested in rock-climbing? Petet and his lunatic friends can be contacted on Su.Soc:Rock-Climbing@lse.acMk. Insurance is provided.
On the Wing
With Andy Moorhouse
(
One minute England are humiliating Germany in Munich. The next they are forced to rely on late or lucky goals merely to force parity at home to Greece and Sweden. So what can we expect from this Jeckyll and Hyde team in the future? On The Wing ponders which England will be heading on the Korea path next May.
England travel to Holland to play their next match on Februaiy 13. By then, Sven-Goran Eriksson will know the size of his task come the World Cup: the group line-ups are due to be drawn on December 1. His first 10 games in charge have represented steady, if xmspectacular progress, pimc-tuated by the occasional moment of brilliance. Step forward Michael Owen and David Beckham.
So what have we learnt thus far? One thing that has become abundantly clear over the course of the past year or so is the Swede's affection for 4-4-2, and it would be foolish to expect anything radically different come May 31. Instead it is safe to assume England's pragmatic new coach will remain true to the habit of a lifetime. In which case, who can we expect to be slugging it out with Trisha and Kilroy for a place on the nation's T.V. screens when we come crawling out of our beds in six months time?
Goalkeeper - If he can recapture the form of Euro 96, we can almost forgive David Seaman his ponytail. Almost, mind you. Ever the bridesmaid, Nigel Martyn remains next in line, having failed to quite reproduce his club form at international level. Also waiting in the wings, a certain someone did himself no harm by getting injured against Holland - when you're David James, best not to let your performances do the talking.
Full Backs - The otherwise dependable Gary Neville has begun to perfect the somewhat cavalier habit of playing the opposition onside by remaining five yards behind the rest of his defence at crucial periods of the match. In the event of this becoming annoying, Neville's most likely replacement is Danny Mills, who did himself proud with a typically aggressive display against Sweden on Saturday. Both remain unspectacular but largely reliable. On the left, Ashley Cole is prone to rash lunges, and has yet to prove he is as capable defensively as he can be going forward. Early indications are that his closest challenge will probably come from Chris Powell or Phil NeviUe. Graeme Le Saux and Michael Gray must be wondering what they have done to deserve that.
Centre Backs - Sol Campbell remains pretty much indispensable, though his form has admittedly (Upped following an injury sustained in last seaison's EA. Cup semi-fihal. . Alongside, him,
October's player of the month Rio Ferdinand has matured rapidly under fellow centre half David O'Leary at Leeds. As a pairing, they will prove hard to dislodge -and make no mistake, Ugo Ehiogu and Gareth Southgate are not the men to do it.
Central Midfield - Gerrard and Scholes, simple as that. England need*the brittle Steven Gerrard to prove himself fit and ready come May, or, more realistically, to declare himself fit and ready come what may.
The only natural ball-winner in the
Seaman pre-porn career
country with an aU-itjund game to compare with Gerrard is Lee Bowyer of Leeds United. Unfortunately, England's Swedish coach may not have the final input on Bowyer's movements for the next few months. Unless of course he can find someone to vouch for the midfielder's movements on a certain night out a few months back.
Wide Midfield - Beckham will play on the right. Which leaves us with the much touted problem position: Eriksson has tried to fill the hole on the left with a number of square pegs, all of whom would appear to fit in more comfortably elsewhere, Barmby and Mcmanaman have failed to convince, having been given nvunerous chances. Eriksson has also flirted with using Owen Hargreaves, IVevor Sinclair, Darren Anderton and Joe Cole - but he lacks a viable left-footed alternative.
In terms of taking opponents on at pace and beating them out wide, Emile Heskey has arguably done the best job, most notably away in Greece. However, it is stiU far from his natural position, and he may well be required upfront anyway. Chances are that Kieron Dyer and David Dunn are next in Hne to drink from the poison chalice, and the smart money's on the versatile
Dyer making the place his own in the long run.
Forward line - Owen and one other. Heskey - with his power and ability to hold the ball up - compliments his Liverpool colleague well. Sheringham, for his part, seldom does anjilhing wrong. Which is more than can be said for Robbie Fowler and Andy Cole.
So what does that leave us with? Eriksson likes to use attack minded full-backs to overlap his wide midfielders. This not only allows Beckham the opportunity to dictate games from somewhere near the middle of the park, but also compensates for England's lack of a natural width on the left. Hence the system provides England's midfield with the support it so often lacked under the hapless Kevin Keegan, and should see them through to the World Cup quarter-finals at least.
However, at the risk of being pilloried, could one suggest that England's recent success owes more to quality on the pitch than any tactical genius from the bench? Had they emerged at the right time, even Keegan could have found a use for Steven Gerrard and Ashley Cole, who now happily occupy two of England's recent problem positions. There is no doubt that Eriksson has also benefited greatly from the maturing Owen, Beckham and Ferdinand.
Surely though, the attack-minded Co J# would be far bet-; ter suited to tj^&ole of wing-back: What's mor^jjyngland have an abundance of "^'^ality niidfieldei^ and, Beckham as^e, a lack of top-quality width. So let's not let the fact that England are improving get in the way of a good story, and give some thought to how Our England might fare if it were utilising a different system. Playing 3-5-2 would enable us to minimise the damage out wide, with just one on the left - Ashley Cole in the role he is better suited to. Doing so would also leave room for Dyer to challenge Gary Neville on his favoured right. This would allow the increasingly dominant David Beckham to play on the right hand side of a midfield triangle, tuckeid slightly inside where he does much of his best work.
True, most of England's defenders are more accustomed to playing iii a flat back four, but this was not the case for Sol Campbell at Spurs. Likewise, Rio Ferdinand wouldn't take long to slot back into the role of ball-carrier in a back three, having played it for years at West Ham. And who knows, in this fant^y world of ours, maybe even Gary Neville would find it h^er to play; everyone onside from wing-back. Hang on a minute, now we are getting a bit carried aiway.
Thursday 15th November
The Beaver Sport
Page 42
Reading gagged to stifle the screams
>5
Peter "gobshite Callas
The party bus disembarked for Reading safe in the knowledge that victory was already assured. These days we need only to step on the pitch and victory is our slave. No need for a warm up. Lace up our boots and we're ready to embrace Mr V with open arms.
Unfortunately, everything didn't go quite to plan. With Buttery,
Men's Football LSElstXI
Reading (books, and sitck to it)
3 1
the end of the first half when a certain centre-back, who shall remain unnamed, skinned their forward played a one-two with The Lightning past another, releasing Big Face Lochrie to put Ickle in to score. (Note to readers; It wasn't Billy!).
This piece of individual bril-

Dodgy eiiropean midget with even dodgier facial hair - no not Papa Smurf its Pete Callas
the gay icon, restored on the left 2ind Mike restored to the right in place of the injured Stringfellow, confidence was high. The Lightning replaced Deej in the middle and together with Big Face it appeared a strong side had been assembled... until the game started.
It just wouldn't go right for the team early doors. The wind was raging. Callas was enraged. It was like a game of ping-pong, with both sides deciding to use Cow's Law and 'hoof. It wasn't vmtil near
liance set the fires of desire raging vnthin the LSE furnaces. Everyone of us became our very own Maradona's, outshining Pele of the 3rds by at least three-to-one (pim intended). Half-time came and the LSE bandwagon appeared to be rolling on.
The brief was to continue as we had finished and we stroked the ball like our favourite Pussy, Galore well into the second half. The Phantom Finisher had been out of sorts by almost claiming a goal but the FarMockerSham of
the penalty he 'won' rightly put him in the higher echelons of LSE FC's worst finishers. Having attempted a shot which quite clearly was going high and wide and long and high and even wider, this Finisher fell over and started vmthing in agony at the sight of another gilt-edge chance gone begging. So sympathetic was the ref that he gave a penalty to the boy with the Gallic charm. LSE horror turned to glee as Buttery scored (yet again) from the spot. A little bird has told me he always hits the (little virginal) spot.
Frivolity commenced. Callas once again believed he was a winger of high quality and was pestering their centre back with his
legendary pace. Lozzer and the Pirate together with Buttery and Peter Pan ventured forward at every opportimity, unlocking the door with ease (like a little later in the Chateau).
However, it w£is at about this time that G the self proclaimed Master of Muppets ™ decided to ably assist Reading in their quest not to be royally rode by the sexual and sensuEil Ists. With the ball on the edge of the box an imknown player on the Reading team (who we shall call "Shit") took a feebly week shot. It looped and eveiyone turned away. No trouble there. So we thought. The next moment G raises his hands in the air shouting the immortal words "Wide". Read the score-line at the top. You do the maths.
Trepidation filled LSE's play from this point onwards. Ickle missed a sitter but thankfully The Lightning ran for 60 yards skinning everyone... and then saw fit to pass to Buttery who had the simplest of
tap-ins (he's a lucky bitch!). The game was over go in peace to seek out more beer was the call.
After the game G was seen receiving a brovm paper bag filled with used £10 notes from "Shit". After doing a little private detective work I have discovered that the SU funds have increased this week by precisely £45. Surprisingly this was the amoimt in the brown paper bag. The case continues...
Back at the Chateau, the Ists were out en masse. Nimierous doubles later the Pirate and Peter Pan could be seen (and heard) vomiting and shitting at the same time in adjacent cubicles. Who says young . love is dead?!?!?!? Slimelight was graced by the regulars and Lozzer, Ickle and Big Face danced the night away birds in toe at the ready should they need any further "assistance" later on in the evening (or morning as it turned out!). We are good. Sometimes too good, eh Ickle?!?!?!
Peter "boring' Callas
There is absolutely no point in the Ists playing anymore. They should hand over that ULU League Trophy now. And the Cup. As well as the league's golden, silver and bronze boots. No one can touch us (unless of course they're female, very fit and have a trust fund- a foreign accent doesn't go amiss either, as well as a nice pair of b...oots). Anyway I digress. Onto the game.
Having -stuffed all opponents this season SBLH decided to keep us waiting and then play the first 15 minutes with only 8 players. If there's something that the girls at LSE have leamt over the past few years it's that you don't keep a football 1st teamer waiting. Like rabid wolverines we stormed forward like there was no tomorrow (indeed action in the Tuns later meant there literally was no tomorrow for some of the boys).
A very wise man once said "Goals win games". Using this Einstein-like principle the Ists decided to rain in on the Bart's goal with wave on wave of attack. Peter Pan (on the left due to Buttery's appointment with the sexual health doctor in Luton), and Andy, Nottingham's answer to Peter Stringfellow, on the right completely annihilated all and sundry. The Ickle Boy Wonder and Phantom Finisher again showed their telepathic relationship in being to squeeze small objects through seemingly impenetrable holes. Deej and Big Face ™ Lochrie
Men's Football
LSE 1st XI	6
St Barts, Millhouse & Family	0
in the engine room of midfield shrugged off challenge after challenge in their quest for the goals that bring success and, moreover, more women! At the back The Pirate and The Waterloo Minger Menace Lozzer were superb in their ball usage, although within the constraints of football only their prowess was less effective judging by what Smee and Els said in the Tuns later... G in goal was forced to contend with the Muppetry in front of him as Bisexual Billy Muppet
Fast women, narcotics and alcohol were what was the Ists expected on their triumphant return - and that's exactly what they got
ran amok ably assisted by Calamity Callas. Again LSE's premier center back partnership mocked the ULU League. If sheets are clean when these two ridiculous fellows are around then the opposition must be shit.
Ickle hit a brace, Peter Pan flew in with two as well and Lochrie
and Deej finished the complete FarMockerSham. Indeed this was probably our finest performance of the season. We played some sensational stuff. Admittedly their left back would have overloaded the Uft in the Old Building on his ovsm but it was still a great performance by the boys in blue.
Fastrwomen, narcotics and alcohoj^^e what awaited the Ists on th^pi^umphant return- and that's ex;^(?tly what they got. Andy Stringfellow managed to take away a lovely blonde sort, and Peter Pan was again seen entering Bankside wearing Wendy's jacket... in more ways than one. G and the lovely Carly were seen but then disappeared, methinks away to the SU Treasurers office, where wrongness is said to have commenced. Lochrie and Deej returned to GDS in the search of Amy and Lia. Having roimded them up the boys turned the lights off and agreed to rag the one they caught first. Unfortunately Deej was seen walking quite gingerly the next day. Naughty Big Face. Billy was engulfed by the Monster and Lozzer, after finishing his flask of coffee, took Els from behind... the Tuns to the ballet. Cute. The Phantom Finisher serenaded many a passer by on Waterloo Bridge, whilst Ickle watched and thought what might have been had he only scored a hat-trick... Callas, well, the light on his head and the caving attire meant only one thing... Till next week then readers!
Thursday 15th November
The BemxrSport
Page 43
Fat Angry Man's Guide to The Big "C"
I am severely distressed this week, as I have been told that members of the Gender Society are not entirely happy with my previous articles. My only response is to clean up my act and write about a serious subject not involving porn, masturbation or in any way the degradation of women. As you can imagine I suffered from writers block for hours until I received a letter this morning. It was a thank you letter from a leading Cancer research society that my mother and I had been doing fund raising for. The reason I got involved with this is because my family has a history of cancer and when my mother recovered from her bout with the big "C" she decided to do something to help and I joined in. Thus I have decided to use this weeks article to raise cancer awareness.
First of all you should know that just because you are young foot-loose and fancy free it doesn't mean you are not in danger from the big "C". In fact people can get cancer at any stage of their life and it can kill them at any stage of their life so beware. The best way to avoid this is to be constantly vigilant and if you're a
man this means checking your bollocks regularly (a good scratch will not suffice) and in the case of women you must examine your breasts regularly and go for smear tests (wont pretend I know anything about smear tests but reckon I am fully qualified to do breast exami nations). The reason for monitoring these areas so religiously is because those are the types of cancer you have the highest risks of getting under the age of twenty-five. Also they are the most fun to test for with a partner. Now all you sick bastards at home who thought about performing DIY smear tests clean out your minds with a power ful detergent. However, checking for breast and testicular cancer between partners can be enormous fun.
So birds I recommend you grab your man firmly but not roughly by the balls and gently massage them to the point of climax. This
should ease the mind of your partner who by his very genetic makeup is
terrified of cancer and even more so doctors. While doing this don't be
afraid of getting a closer look at your man's love acorns and search for lumps and bumps. An important point to make now is that your tongue is much more sensitive than your finger tips so checking for lumps and bumps can be better achieved with a little oral examination. Checking for colon cancer in this manner is not recommended but don't let me deter you.
Now onto you gents out there. If you are asking yourself why I should check if my girl friend has breast cancer other than her health and the obvious fun that can be had , then know that a mastectomy is common even now in breast cancer treatment (the removal of the breast) and the effect emotionally, not to mention her confidence, is immense. Now lads don't
go grabbing them like they are two ferrets trying to escape. They should be gently handled in the manner you would handle your own vitals and you should look for hard areas or lumps (sorry girls if your boyfriend now mistakes your nipples for tumours). Also for all you blokes out there who think your knob is more sensitive than your fingers and should not be used for performing breast examinations then I am afraid there is no conclusive evidence on this and I cannot comment on its usefulness in testing for colon cancer either.
Now for those of you out there who think I have just been taking the piss in this article, you're wrong; I have just tried to add a light side to a serious threat. I am open to complaints and abuse but I have dealt with it in the only way I know how, a smutty and juvenile one. Anyway I hope you have enjoyed and if you didn't please still remember to check your partners love bits so that you can enjoy each other that bit longer. No worry, the fat angry man's tirade will be back to its old style in no time at all. Today's word is "awareness".
Rugby In Messy Prostate Examination
Rex "Supertramp" Walker
"The man had class. He was not only a great tactician but also a wonderl^l man-manager long before the term became fashionable. His use of the carrot and stick has never been bettered. They all believe you need money. All Cioughie ever needed was Cloughie. (taken from www.brian-clough.com)
How long will it be I ask you, before the very same words are said of his protege? Last week Fortress Berrylands witnessed another sterling performance from the 2nds as they stretched their 100% record to three games. Clough feels that LSE rugby folklore is on the verge of being re-written as once more the boys unzipped and unloaded, this time over the rosy red cheeks of a load of fat medics from RHUMS.
Admittedly things stsirted a little unnervingly when some of the forwards noticed that this was, in fact, the same team that we played the week before. It took poor old Tall Paul at least twenty minutes to make the distinction between a friendly and a league game but . when somebody explained that this meant he would be able to take another shower with one of the less fatter medics that he had taken such a shine to the week before, aU was weU.
In the time honoured tradition of the 2nd XV warm-up, we seemed incapable of catching, running or indeed mocking the justice people -
Men's Rugby	
LSE 2nd XV	66
RUMS 2nd XV	10
we were that bad. However the sight of "D for Dominate Darius" in amongst the ranks seemed to Uf t the spirits, despite his endless chatter about the mysterious bull bars. Now, whilst some of you may think that bull bars are only something that thirty-something rich housewives have on the front of their range rovers (you can encoimter some pretty fearsome beasts on the school run you know - and no I don't mean Stuart's cock),
Darius went on to show that this phrase actually refers to the position in which he Ukes to hold his arms whilst bullying the opposition. Quote of the day must go to the D-man who exclaimed after the first of two tries,
"You have been bull-barred!"
On to the game.
As some of you may have read a few weeks ago, Ian has now grabbed the prettiest player award with both bollocks. Such was Kelvin's enragement that he has now
pissed off to the 1st XV where his nearest competition is a small Asian virgin. To rub salt into those veiy aesthetically pleasing wounds Ian further compounded Kelvin's problems by again scoi-ing the first try of
You can get Arthiir's power wanking video
the afternoon. Just when I thought I could hear the Limelight champagne corks popping, however, a moment of muppetude left our defence about as wide open as Simi's canyon. It was at this stage that I feared the plan of emulating my hero was about as likely to happen as Osama Bin Laden making it to Christmas. We appeared to be missing the back-to-back European Cups and heading for the disastrous 96-97 relegation season. But to cut a long stoiy short we then ordered the obese RHUMS losers to line up on the half way line, drop their shorts and hold tight as we boshed 58 consecutive points past them leading not only to fifteen very messy prolapsed rectums but also to a 66-10 score line. I can't remember who scored the tries but I can remember Dave J scoring two weU cheeky tries (despite apparently being allergic to pubs) and the Doctor slotting a conversion.
In the words of those two complete twats who do the Simday morning slot on Radio 1, I must give a big shout out to one of the massif. Not only did fat Chris Emerson continue to get away with playing in the backs when we all know he stands out like a football boy on a piss up, he also managed to score an outrageous try, described by some as the money shot of the entire match, AND managed to ship his monster with some authority. However now! one individual must this
week be mocked, shamed and abused. Arthur "Ivan Drago" Damilov you have let us all down. None of us on the sideUne were too surprised to see a crunching hit go in from the Man of Steel halfway through the first half, resulting the recipient being helped from the pitch. (That reminds me if you see a fat half-bred wandering down Houghton Street asking if you have seen his spectacles, please direct him back to RHUIV^S because we managed to convive the concussed loser that he was	student). What
was siuprisir^.^ifey upsetting however was that Ivan appeared to have injured himself in the proceedings. Man of Steel? Man of Ikea, flat packed bolsa wood more like.
The evening's festivities were marred only by inadequate seating provision in the Tuns and by only myself, the joumo, Adrian, Darius, Psycho John and his break dancing, Sacha and possibly Rich making it to Limelight. If your name is not mentioned above, especially if your name is Ian, be warned. I have contacted Messrs Kent and Craig and they have informed that a splintered broomstick (with a condom on the end) awaits repeat offenders. Apologies for the humour level of this week's article being akin to that of the entire movement for justice combined, but I've just been spending too much of my time ruiming the sustained political movement to imdermine democracy at the LSE to be amusing this week. By the way, am I going to get away with saying the movement for justice should take their heads out of their political correctness gone mad arses?
BeaverS»or#s
Thuriday Nevembir iSdi	¦
squash team for a wild
Brick Lane
Hancock - Sven's Lovechild?


LSE 7th XI (ale-quaffers)	6
SOAS "dope-addled Losers" 2nds 1
The diill lifeless eyes stared back at Hancock as he tried to explain the messy facial offensive
Doug Hancock
It was to be a great day, perhaps in future years to be commemorated in the annals of the LSEAU, with the 4ths and 2nds not playing and the Ists, 3rds, 5ths and 6tbs away at various mucky gaffs the 7ths were the only mens football team playing at Fortress Berrylands.
As a result Club Captain Gav "I'm so hungover I feel like death" Russell had promised Captain Dodgy Doug and his band of fearless heroes the ultra-flat and pristinely groomed first pitch.
Excitement and arousal amongst the 7ths had grown to fever pitch, but once we reached the hallowed Berrylands turf the climax proved to be like watching Rugby League - frustrating and pointless. The drunken airse Russell was evidently in one of his states of confusion when the promise was made since Groundsman Steve reported that only the third pitch was available because all the other pitches had been fertilized earlier in the day.
The 7ths recovered from this disappointment with aplomb. Dodgy Doug again foolishly fancied himself as a dynamic left midfielder rather than the plodding left-back-on-the-bench he truly is. So we started with the Derry General Cathal Logue and the pes-
ran riot, the lighning Louf left with a hat-trick and made their defence look like laboratory monkeys and SOAS were left to ruminate (fumigate) about their humiliation.
Due to the threat of lateness fines for arrival after 8pm 7ths players flooded into the Tuns at 7:55pm and enjoyed a raucus night involving a dirty pint consisting of a pint of Guinness with shots of Blue Aftershock and Jack Daniels in it, downed by Doug as pimish-ment for scoring.
Rhys again insisted on turning
Yes its true I did teach Hancdck the messy facial offensive!
simist Bevan in central defence. Soon it became clear that the Russell Square rent boys of SOAS were attempting to win the game by molestation. Fresh from his homosexual experiences in Brighton, stand in referee Dave Bains was all up for SOAS tongue-in-(arse) cheek tactics, but new recruit Paddy McCloskey and the lightning Jerome Louf up front were having none of the dope smokers advances. In a rare moment of skill Dodgy Doug collected the ball on the edge of the area, took it round one of their dull-witted and confused defenders and cut a low cross in to the lightning who netted with ease.
There then followed a moment so incredible that neither team will ever recover from the confusion that it caused. Latecomer Rhys chipped a teasing ball through the Weedheads' defence and Dodgy Doug darted (ambled) through to steer the ball past the oncoming 'keeper All was silent; the pessimist Bevan stood mouth agog; Oslo fell to his knees, beat the ground and began praying to Viking Gods; on the touchline Armin wept softly and could only be heard to mumble "Mein Gott, es ist passiert!" over and over whilst Alan Blue Boots consoled him with a "take it easy old boy".
Dodgy Doug had scored his first ever LSE goal, history had been made. Half-time saw us 3-0 up. Armin, Oslo's mate "not quite LSE" Franchi and Blue Boots came on for the second half. LSE
capital toward Houghton Street were all frustrated by the terrorism that was the Lord Mayor's Show - what a load of wank! A load of Territorial Army part-timers march down Fleet Street and the Strand whilst a mass of middle-aged, middle-England Tories wave their plastic Union Jacks at the chump-faced army wannabes.
The whole procession succeeds in bringing half of the capital to a stand still and more importantly delays members of LSEFC from getting to their games.
R(oyal) S(chool) of M(iscreants) 2nds 2 LSE 7th XI Barnstormers	5
up late (as he had done for the train earlier in the day) and had a foaming potion of death (half pint Guinness, half-pint Cranberry Bacardi Breezer) put down his neck.
He keeps doing this and doesn't seem to mind, there is rumour amongst the 7ths camp that he actually quite likes them and a
However the Lord Mayor and his pointless show proved to be the major barrier of the day, much more difficult to get past than the RSM defence. Hell, Alan Blue Boots scored a brace despite playing the ball solely with his arse all afternoon.. The Maltese Falcon Matt Brincat bundled one inj
Hancock tries in vain to remeber the messy faicial offensive
suitable alternative punishment will have to be found. Oslo, Dodgy Doug and the Derry General Cathal Logue made it to Limelight and outdanced and outdrank Dave Bains and Dean Taylor, the pictures to prove this wUl be in next week's Beaver
Saturday came and 7ths players travelling from all over the
Cricket Nick Cooper scored and even consistently defensive Chris Maness trotted up for a corner and nodded away a perfect header. Roll on the 7ths, two wins in a row and who have we got this week? King's 7ths - expect many goals dear readers and also next week there will be pictures inside and outside of Limelight, hurrah!
Miiiail liu" Sports I iditoi's:	Mik \